# Onion Headlines **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [September 19, 2006, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276 "2006-09-19T16:12:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Rodgers01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@Rodgers01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rodgers01)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/41 "2006-09-20T03:23:18Z")
[QUOTE=HubZilla] I liked one of the subheading better: Massive Attack on Pentagon Page 14 [/QUOTE] Never noticed that, but it’s sadly spot on. ---
**Author:** ![JCorre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/3da27b/32.png) [@JCorre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JCorre)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/42 "2006-09-20T03:52:07Z")
[Northern Irish, Serbs, Hutus Granted Homeland In West Bank](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28369) ---
**Author:** ![bdgr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a87d85/32.png) [@bdgr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bdgr)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 4:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/43 "2006-09-20T04:07:08Z")
Children of Divorce Twice as Likely to Write Bad Poetry ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Borgia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/larry_borgia/32/156_2.png) [@Larry\_Borgia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Borgia)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/44 "2006-09-20T04:50:32Z")
Idi Amin declares former defense minister “delicious.” ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/45 "2006-09-20T05:23:35Z")
[Energy Secretary Just Assumed Cabinet Knew He Did Porn Films In The '80s](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29964) ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/46 "2006-09-20T06:10:41Z")
Philandering String Theorist Can Explain Everything ---
**Author:** ![MaxTheVool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc29f/32.png) [@MaxTheVool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaxTheVool)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/47 "2006-09-20T06:58:44Z")
This was just a line, not a story, but it’s my all-time favorite… it’s from a list of toy-buying tips for parents: **Visit your local mall for such upscale toy stores as Wooden Toys Your Kids Will Hate and Professor Faggot Q. Boredom’s Lame-U-Cational Cocksuckery.** ---
**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/48 "2006-09-20T07:04:27Z")
There isn’t an actual article to go along with this one, it was just one of those sidebar headlines, but I don’t care, it still cracks me up: “Hank Williams, Jr. Honored by National Society for Football Preparedness”. ---
**Author:** ![jellyblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e480ec/32.png) [@jellyblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jellyblue)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 7:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/49 "2006-09-20T07:16:29Z")
[This](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/35859) (23-Year-Old Arrested For Failure to Own Halogen Lamp) struck me as hilarious, especially since I had recently gone to drop off some stuff at Goodwill and saw a _forest_ of these lamps lined up in the parking lot. ---
**Author:** ![robotic\_panda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ed8c4c/32.png) [@robotic\_panda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robotic_panda)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 10:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/50 "2006-09-20T10:52:41Z")
[QUOTE=kunilou] I’ve been waiting for 10 hours for someone to drop the other shoe. R [/QUOTE] Way to spoil the punchline! Jeez! 😉 I like [Long-Awaited Beer With Bush Really Awkward, Voter Reports](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/42590) ---
**Author:** ![Hootie\_McB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Hootie\_McB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hootie_McB)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 11:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/51 "2006-09-20T11:30:50Z")
**Malcolm X: 'I also have a dream’** ‘I have a dream that one day little black children will beat the living crap out of little white children’ ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/52 "2006-09-20T12:30:52Z")
[QUOTE=Sublight] Philandering String Theorist Can Explain Everything [/QUOTE] I love this one, too. ---
**Author:** ![Wee\_Bairn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/90db22/32.png) [@Wee\_Bairn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wee_Bairn)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 1:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/53 "2006-09-20T13:20:43Z")
Can’t recall specific phrasing but one to the effect of; “Why do gay guys keep sucking my cock”, and “Two area stoners agree that bowl is cashed”. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/54 "2006-09-20T15:00:52Z")
Not an article, just a one-off: **Pacifist Linebacker Dodges NFL Draft** ---
**Author:** ![Runestar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/74df32/32.png) [@Runestar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Runestar)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/55 "2006-09-20T17:18:40Z")
Not a headline, but one of my all-time faves from the Horoscope (I’m citing from memory so may be slightly inaccurate) “…last week’s horoscope was in error. References to ‘tall, dark stranger’ should in fact have said ‘enraged lowland gorilla.’ We apologize for any inconvience this may have caused.” ---
**Author:** ![robardin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@robardin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robardin)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 5:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/56 "2006-09-20T17:42:26Z")
My all-time fave has already been mentioned, the one about the outbreak of WWI as X declares war on Y declares war on Z, and “Nations Struggle To Remember Allies” (with the Ottoman Empire nearly declaring war on itself). It was that specific page that made me buy the book, _Our Dumb Century_, as I picked it up at random at the bookstore, and turned me on to _The Onion_ in the first place. My other favorite (that I quote all the time) wasn’t a headline article but a sidebar one-liner: **Standard Deviation Not Enough For Perverted Statistician**. Though I’m also quite partial to the sub-headline about Amelia Earhart’s disappearance: _Famed Aviatrix ‘Probably Went Shopping’_. ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/57 "2006-09-20T17:49:54Z")
[QUOTE=Wee Bairn] Can’t recall specific phrasing but one to the effect of; “Why do gay guys keep sucking my cock”, and “Two area stoners agree that bowl is cashed”. [/QUOTE] [Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33540?issue=4227&special=1998) Special Mention: [Don’t Tell Me You’ve Never Wondered What Yoda’s Penis Looks Like](http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33208?issue=4228&special=2002) Some more from Our Dumb Century: “President confronts Depression with ‘Big Deal’ plan. ‘Big Deal, I’m Rich!’ Roosevelt says.” “Cambodia to switch to skull-based economy” (On Clinton) “New President Feels Nation’s Pain, Breasts” “Sacco, Vanzetti executed for murder, Italian descent: Pair dies on two counts of wopness.” “Nagasaki Bombed 'Just for the hell of it,” Second A-bomb would have just sat around anyway, say generals." “Pentagon develops A-bomb-resistant desk: Schoolchildren now safe from atomic blast.” I like how the editorials change so rapidly. Before wars, Zweibel praised “Our Teutonic Masters” and immediately calls for their death as soon as war is declared. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/58 "2006-09-20T17:52:23Z")
[QUOTE=robardin] My other favorite (that I quote all the time) wasn’t a headline article but a sidebar one-liner: **Standard Deviation Not Enough For Perverted Statistician.** [/QUOTE] In a similar vein, **Perverted Ninja Likes Being Seen.** ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2006, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276/59 "2006-09-20T18:02:37Z")
There’s a really good one today, but I don’t know how to link to it. “Jaws of Death Used To Stuff Woman Into Burning Car” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/onion-headlines/373276.md?page=2)