# Online Dating Experiences **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 25, 2012, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072 "2012-11-25T16:49:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 14
**Author:** ![Dr.Colossus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.colossus/32/9423_2.png) [@Dr.Colossus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Colossus)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/261 "2012-12-04T00:22:29Z")
i suspect there’s a sort of self-validation happening here. “i failed at this so it is broken.” at some point you’re going to have to face the fact it could just have been you. given how every thread you’re involved in dissolves in to bickering (because of how you behave online), i am more than willing to confirm it’s _you_. you can’t even get along with people on a smart people q and a forum. dating online is obviously not going to go well for you. but you’re going to have to explain why it works for millions of other people if you want to insist IT is broken and YOU are not. ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/262 "2012-12-04T00:24:21Z")
> [@2ManyTacos](#): > > Out of those messages, I’ve had all of ONE person reply back to me, and since then she has either changed her name or deleted her profile because I can’t find her anymore. I’m going to keep at it and message some more women, but I gotta tell ya that so far my experiences with online dating have been less than heartening. > > Any advice is welcome I guess. Well there are so many variables it’s hard to offer any specifics. But generally, don’t be creepy. And don’t be needy. I’m a guy so I don’t see guys’ messages, but sometimes I read their profiles out of curiosity and lot of them are crap. If they message women like they write their profiles, I’m not surprised nobody responds. Keep it light and be your own person (i.e., avoid those OMG I LIKE EVERY SINGLE THING YOU LIKE WE’RE A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN type messages). The second part is, be realistic about who you select. Like applying to colleges. You can’t apply to nothing but Ivies and conclude that college is a sham because everybody rejected you. I mean, not that you should target people you’re not attracted to, but you know what I mean. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Colossus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.colossus/32/9423_2.png) [@Dr.Colossus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Colossus)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/263 "2012-12-04T00:24:45Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > I don’t understand what you’re talking about. > > Once again, I perceive some hostility here. I don’t understand why. I’m getting the feeling that you really aren’t interested in hearing good experiences with online dating sites. look at every other thread she’s been involved in, regardless of topic. she’s just a crab about _everything_. she and the other two naysayers in this thread are perfectly incapable of understanding how opinions work. ---
**Author:** ![Modern\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@Modern\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Modern_Master)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/264 "2012-12-04T00:28:17Z")
> [@Dr.Colossus](#): > > i suspect there’s a sort of self-validation happening here. “i failed at this so it is broken.” > > at some point you’re going to have to face the fact it could just have been you. > > given how every thread you’re involved in dissolves in to bickering (because of how you behave online), i am more than willing to confirm it’s _you_. you can’t even get along with people on a smart people q and a forum. dating online is obviously not going to go well for you. > > but you’re going to have to explain why it works for millions of other people if you want to insist IT is broken and YOU are not. It works for millions of people? Does it really or is just that a million people find relationships via online dating? ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/265 "2012-12-04T00:29:00Z")
> [@Dr.Colossus](#): > > i suspect there’s a sort of self-validation happening here. “i failed at this so it is broken.” > > at some point you’re going to have to face the fact it could just have been you. > > given how every thread you’re involved in dissolves in to bickering (because of how you behave online), i am more than willing to confirm it’s _you_. you can’t even get along with people on a smart people q and a forum. dating online is obviously not going to go well for you. > > but you’re going to have to explain why it works for millions of other people if you want to insist IT is broken and YOU are not. I don’t know MM’s history here, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say he is broken or anything like that. It just doesn’t work for him, for whatever reason. Some people just do better in person-to-person interaction. For example, dating works well for me in the work/school scenario, friends scenario, but not a bar scene (even though I spent almost every day of my 20s in bar, and I am not exaggerating.) There’s no “one size fits all” solution for dating. Likewise, just because it didn’t work for him doesn’t mean it’s some sort of scam or anything. ETA: Apologies if I got your gender wrong. Looks like I meant “she” where “he” is above. ETA2: Looks like I got it right the first time. \ ---
**Author:** ![Modern\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@Modern\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Modern_Master)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/266 "2012-12-04T00:29:17Z")
> [@Dr.Colossus](#): > > look at every other thread she’s been involved in, regardless of topic. > > she’s just a crab about _everything_. she and the other two naysayers in this thread are perfectly incapable of understanding how opinions work. Ever heard of spiral of silence theory? This is that in action. People that disagree are the naysayers. And why do people think I’m a woman? I AM A DUDE! ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Colossus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.colossus/32/9423_2.png) [@Dr.Colossus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Colossus)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/267 "2012-12-04T00:30:34Z")
> [@Modern\_Master](#): > > It works for millions of people? Does it really or is just that a million people find relationships via online dating? for the fourth time you exceptionally literate hawk-eye: > [@](#): > > 17% of couples that were married in the last three years met on an online dating service. (Chadwick Martin Bailey Study - April 2010) > > Online Dating is the third most popular way for singles to meet, behind school/work and friend/family member. ( Chadwick Martin Bailey and [Match.com](http://Match.com) Study - April 2010) > > there are more than 280,000 marriages a year as a direct result of people meeting on an online dating service (Online Dating Magazine - January 2011). > 20 % of all current committed relationships are two people who met each other online. (from Reuters, Herald News, PC World, Washington Post.) 20 percent of ALL CURRENT COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS are from people who met online. not just “got dates.” but \*\*HAVE \*\*SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS, with over a quarter-million resulting in marriage a year, which is a number going up every year. ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/268 "2012-12-04T00:30:57Z")
> [@Modern\_Master](#): > > What a great scam they have going. > > Not only do you have to pay for using the site, but you have to go out of your way and get studio shots (since you’re saying that’s the norm). > > And I believe they are claiming that 1/5 relationships start on match? > > So you’re paying an expensive monthly fee with a 20% success rate. Well, success in terms of starting a relationship. And that’s only starting a relationship! > > WOW! No, studio shots don’t give you a good idea of what someone looks like. Not that people are paying for studio shots just for dating profiles. The best pictures show you as a regular person, full-face so you can actually see them, but not airbrushed. Like cropping your face out of a picture with someone else, if that’s all you have. Then some extra pictures showing the whole body - dressed! - so that you know they’re at least vaguely within the range they’re claiming. If you hate online dating so much, then just don’t use it. Go to those real-life places that are apparently so much easier, and good luck to you. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/269 "2012-12-04T00:34:05Z")
> [@Modern\_Master](#): > > It works for millions of people? Does it really or is just that a million people find relationships via online dating? I would consider that a reasonable way of defining whether it works or not. What definition do you prefer? ---
**Author:** ![Modern\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@Modern\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Modern_Master)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/270 "2012-12-04T00:34:35Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > I don’t know MM’s history here, but I wouldn’t go so far as to say he is broken or anything like that. It just doesn’t work for him, for whatever reason. Some people just do better in person-to-person interaction. For example, dating works well for me in the work/school scenario, friends scenario, but not a bar scene (even though I spent almost every day of my 20s in bar, and I am not exaggerating.) There’s no “one size fits all” solution for dating. Likewise, just because it didn’t work for him doesn’t mean it’s some sort of scam or anything. > > ETA: Apologies if I got your gender wrong. Looks like I meant “she” where “he” is above. I’m not broken. lol! I have a girlfriend who I’ve been with for almost two-years now, which is huge for me considering that most of my relationships have only been a month. Most of my relationships were with people I met via online dating. We are even talking about marriage and our future together. You know? House and kids. I’m not bitter or broken or incapable of having a relationship. I’m just skeptical and cynical. There’s a huge difference between that and being broken. Online dating is a huge money-maker. Also, why couldn’t it be a scam? Just because it’s not politically correct to call it a scam doesn’t mean that it isn’t a scam. This is why I love theory, especially spiral of silence. It’s really an excellent theory. I’m not going to agree with everything nor should I. Calling me names or saying I’m broken (or any other insults) aren’t going to change my beliefs. This is discussion. What kind of discussion doesn’t allow you to disagree? ---
**Author:** ![Modern\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@Modern\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Modern_Master)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/271 "2012-12-04T00:36:31Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > I would consider that a reasonable way of defining whether it works or not. What definition do you prefer? Hold up! It’s reasonable to say something works for millions of people when it’s debatable whether or not it actually does? I prefer a definition with truth to it that doesn’t involve spoon-fed information from a commercial. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/272 "2012-12-04T00:38:12Z")
> [@Modern\_Master](#): > > Not only do you have to pay for using the site, but you have to go out of your way and get studio shots (since you’re saying that’s the norm). Ah, I see you changed your answer with the parenthetical to make a little more sense. I did not say “that’s the norm.” Please do mischaracterize what I said. I said “a good number of [Match.com](http://Match.com) profiles, at least when I was looking, had studio shots on them” because you seemed to be surprised that anyone used professional studio shots on their dating profile. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/273 "2012-12-04T00:40:11Z")
> [@Modern\_Master](#): > > Calling me names or saying I’m broken (or any other insults) aren’t going to change my beliefs. This is discussion. 😕 I don’t know why you quoted me. I was defending you and saying that just because it didn’t work for you doesn’t mean you are broken. I did not in any way say you are broken. Once again, why are you mischaracterizing my words? ---
**Author:** ![Modern\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@Modern\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Modern_Master)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/274 "2012-12-04T00:41:08Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > Ah, I see you changed your answer with the parenthetical to make a little more sense. I did not say “that’s the norm.” Please do mischaracterize what I said. I said “a good number of [Match.com](http://Match.com) profiles, at least when I was looking, had studio shots on them” because you seemed to be surprised that anyone used professional studio shots on their dating profile. So, if I’m not allowed to be surprised then how is it not the norm? You’re being dishonest in your arguments. ---
**Author:** ![pulykamell](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pulykamell/32/3166_2.png) [@pulykamell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pulykamell)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/275 "2012-12-04T00:42:26Z")
> [@Modern\_Master](#): > > So, if I’m not allowed to be surprised then how is it not the norm? You’re being dishonest in your arguments. I honestly have no idea what you are talking about here. Where am I being dishonest? ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Colossus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr.colossus/32/9423_2.png) [@Dr.Colossus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Colossus)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/276 "2012-12-04T00:43:03Z")
> [@Modern\_Master](#): > > I’m just skeptical and cynical. > What kind of discussion doesn’t allow you to disagree? the way you go about discussion is extremely adversarial. maybe think about the first part of this quote–you’re skeptical and cynical, to the extent you are credulous about everyone else’s success. but you admit you’re just cynical. maybe stick to that and understand your perception is wrong. it’s wrong in light of the evidence, it’s wrong in light of the anecdotes, and it’s wrong in light of the statistics. so rather than trying so hard to INSIST that everyone who had a modicum of success in ways you have failed “won the lottery,” and that “the whole thing is a scam”–how about instead saying you probably have a really shitty attitude about it, but that is is obviously not so bad and works for a lot LOT of people. rather than ever acknowledging you accept the fact it can and DOES work, and just somehow didn’t for you (and still won’t for others)–you instead try to build a case the entire machine is broken–a conclusion based on your own personal experience. this is a ludicrous and annoying disposition. it’s as if someone claims the movie industry is a total bogus waste of time because you saw a movie you didn’t like. the movie industry is a SCAM! i went to a few movies and they were dumb! anyone who has ever seen a movie they enjoyed just got extremely lucky! NO. that is a ridiculous method of thinking about things. online dating is a statistically highly effective method of making actually meaningful, life-long relationships. you’re assuming an already damned position, here… ---
**Author:** ![Modern\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@Modern\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Modern_Master)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/277 "2012-12-04T00:43:28Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > 😕 > > I don’t know why you quoted me. I was defending you and saying that just because it didn’t work for you doesn’t mean you are broken. I did not in any way say you are broken. > > Once again, why are you mischaracterizing my words? No, my point there was not to argue with you, but to agree with you. Sorry for the misunderstanding with that post. ---
**Author:** ![Modern\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@Modern\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Modern_Master)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/278 "2012-12-04T00:45:11Z")
> [@pulykamell](#): > > I honestly have no idea what you are talking about here. Where am I being dishonest? Eh? That’s my bad. I misread your post. Sorry about that. I take back what I said about you being dishonest. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/279 "2012-12-04T00:45:39Z")
> [@jayrey](#): > > Back story: several months ago, I put a profile on Match and, later, eHarmony. I sent over 20 “hey, you sound like an interesting person. I’m intrigued by the \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_ on your profile. Let’s get chat” messages and got NOTHING but “no, thanks,” and very often, not even that. > > Now, I admit that at 55 years old, I’m no smokin-hot babe, but I’m very presentable. Tall, not overweight, fit, blonde, good features. Good job, friendly, smart, funny, have an interesting life. I didn’t sound desperate (at least I don’t think so) but got nowhere. Zip. Nada. I’m not so good with that kind of blanket rejection, so I cancelled my memberships. > > Time goes by. Okay, so I ginned up some courage this weekend and put a profile on okcupid. Took new photos and everything. I was honest that I’m looking to date, am not really ready to get married again right now but would like to have a “steady guy.” If it leads to more, great. I was honest about my height and weight (5’8", 160), my interests and activities, and my “non-negotiables”: no smoking, no hunting, no devout/preachy Christians. > > There are exactly SIX men who met the basic criteria of 53 to 65 years of age and living with 25 miles of me, and, no, I don’t live on the far side of the moon. I sent messages to two of them; two of the others couldn’t pass one of the non-negotiables; and the other two looked at my profile but didn’t contact me. One of the ones I contacted wrote back immediately and said that I wasn’t thin/fit/buff/athletic enough for him. I emailed back and forth with the other and we met on Sunday for coffee but concluded that there’s no connection. > > Obviously, the pickins are pretty slim for me on okcupid, but Match and eHarmony are huge. So, any guess what might be wrong? The only thing I can think of is that I am horsewoman. I own two horses, which I regularly ride, train and show. I am NOT a cowgirl (is that the image most people have when they think of a woman who rides?) I ride dressage, which is classical and very elegant, but I don’t think most people have even heard of it. > > Are men turned off/intimidated by women who ride horses? Honestly, I think maybe your age just means there are fewer men who fit, so it might take longer. Your age range also seems a little tight - why 53 as the youngest? Also, if that really was your opening message, it sounds a little formulaic. I think there’s an online dating thread here - perhaps they could give you advice? You sound like a lovely person, but it’s not always obvious how to get that across in a dating profile. I’ve seen a couple of friends’ profiles where they apparently expected everyone to know how wonderful they were by telepathy, and others where they just glurged on so much that it easily became tl;dr. Or where they emphasised certain aspects of their life in a way that prospective dates might think that’s the be-all-and-end-all - like maybe men think you only want someone who really, really loves horses. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2012, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072/280 "2012-12-04T00:45:55Z")
> [@sisu](#): > > Yep glamour shots, ones with kids in them [really WTF] etc are all reasons for me to skim past a profile. I saw a profile that used a picture of Beyonce. I wrote her and said, “You look just like Beyonce…” She answered, “I thought that it looked like me. Since I am older than Beyonce, she would look like me.” :smack: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072.md?page=13) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-experiences/642072.md?page=15)