# Online dating is literally the worst **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 30, 2012, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600 "2012-12-30T21:23:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/121 "2013-01-03T00:43:18Z")
> [@Diamonds02](#): > > I seldomly get any messages. Even the trolling ones. I’m not overweight. Or have bad teeth or bad skin or any other abnormalities. My profile is quite normal, nothing like my other online personas. > > A mystery. > > Fuck me. If I recall correctly, you’re a lesbian and as such, you’re presumably in the “women seeking women” section. I don’t want to sterotype my own gender but I think it’s true that it’s usually men (straight or gay) who are inclined to shotgun contacting everyone in a dating site. Women (straight or gay) are more likely to hold back and wait. ---
**Author:** ![Curiosity\_Kills\_Her](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@Curiosity\_Kills\_Her](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Curiosity_Kills_Her)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/122 "2013-01-03T03:12:04Z")
> [@eclectic\_wench](#): > > See, to me this makes absolute sense. I’ve got no experience of online dating, but it seems to me that if you’re in Dating Mode - online or off - then you’ll be far more focused on whether this guy ticks all your theoretical boxes to make him eligible for whatever final destination you’ve got in mind. If you’re just hanging out in a chatroom, then you’re just thinking about whether you enjoy chatting to him, not about whether his gaming habit would make him an unsuitable father for your children - and so things can develop much more freely, with less pressure, from there. You move through the filters one by one - interactively and slowly, like you said - rather than having to hit them all at once before you know whether you actually like each other. > > On the dating site, someone could see your profile and go, ‘Yeah, he ticks all 45 of the boxes I listed, but the moustache? EW, no.’ Meet the same woman in a chatroom, and by the time she starts thinking of you in possible dating terms she already knows she enjoys your company, so the tache doesn’t strike her as a dealbreaker. > > I think official Dating situations are weird anyway, probably because they’re not what I’m used to. In my circle we never Dated. A big loose group of you hang out together, two of you notice that you’re into each other, you spend more time talking, then you start hanging out on your own sometimes; if it doesn’t click for one of you, you both just blend back into the group; if it takes off, then one night you kiss, if that goes well then you do it again, maybe you do more, sooner or later you notice you’re a couple. It’s much more organic than Dating, where as far as I can tell you go straight from meeting someone to a romantic/sexual level without having time to find out if you actually like each other - so the decision has to be based on other factors. I ended up having various levels of happy hookup with guys who wouldn’t have met my theoretical criteria, because I had the chance to find out that I liked them before I had to decide whether I was open to hooking up with them, and the spark developed from there. This is a very eloquent summary of my feelings on dating and matches my experience, except I’ve never had a circle. Organic is the word I always use too. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/123 "2013-01-03T03:29:53Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > I’m not saying you did that at all. Again, I get plenty of messages from nice guys that are polite, respectful, and genuinely trying to engage conversation based on what’s in my profile. I am still allowed to not be into them. We might be perfect on paper, but if I’m not attracted to you, I’m not attracted to you. We might agree on everything seemingly, but then I go to your profile and it says you have kids-- that’s a deal breaker for me. Stuff like that was my point. > > . I know you weren’t addressing me, but my point was that internet dating sites skew the supply/demand dynamic and makes the experience unpleasant for men, so it really isn’t an enjoyable way to meet women. The ratio of men to women is 1:1 in the world, but internet dating sites inflates the demand of women and the supply of men which affects the interactions like it would in any market. It would be no different than if a single woman lived in a town where men outnumbered women 7:1 (instead of 1:1). In that situation you’d have men doing the same thing. Getting large numbers of women hitting on them and having large laundry lists of traits and checklists, men with 1X amount of education/income/attractiveness wanting a mate with 1.5X of those same traits (people’s standards and checklists tend to go up as their options do), etc. In that situation a lot of women would just lose interest in using that mechanism to meet the opposite sex and look for something more effective. What the other thing is and how to get it, I don’t know. I don’t have a good social network or list of social hobbies to meet women like I did in the past. I get the impression dating tends to come organically out of social interactions that are not based on dating (similar hobbies, careers, locations, social circles, etc and you meet people you click with) like **eclectic wench** said. But those are hard to find outside of college. I wish I knew an answer for people like myself but I don’t. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/124 "2013-01-03T04:15:51Z")
I totally understand your point and I think it’s a valid one. One thing to consider though: there’s a reason that bars and nightclubs have ‘Ladies Night’ or women don’t have to pay cover/ get free drinks-- even with those instituted, there’s still usually a large imbalance between the numbers of men and women at any given time. So, while I’d say the numbers IRL aren’t nearly as skewed as in online dating, I definitely have an easier time than a guy would in a club, I think. I’m not sure why it works out that way, but that’s just my experience. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/125 "2013-01-03T13:30:29Z")
> [@Wesley\_Clark](#): > > I know you weren’t addressing me, but my point was that internet dating sites skew the supply/demand dynamic and makes the experience unpleasant for men, so it really isn’t an enjoyable way to meet women. The ratio of men to women is 1:1 in the world, but internet dating sites inflates the demand of women and the supply of men which affects the interactions like it would in any market. It would be no different than if a single woman lived in a town where men outnumbered women 7:1 (instead of 1:1). In that situation you’d have men doing the same thing. Getting large numbers of women hitting on them and having large laundry lists of traits and checklists, men with 1X amount of education/income/attractiveness wanting a mate with 1.5X of those same traits (people’s standards and checklists tend to go up as their options do), etc. In that situation a lot of women would just lose interest in using that mechanism to meet the opposite sex and look for something more effective. What the other thing is and how to get it, I don’t know. I don’t have a good social network or list of social hobbies to meet women like I did in the past. I get the impression dating tends to come organically out of social interactions that are not based on dating (similar hobbies, careers, locations, social circles, etc and you meet people you click with) like **eclectic wench** said. But those are hard to find outside of college. I wish I knew an answer for people like myself but I don’t. I’ve read that the ratio on the “dating sites” like [Match.com](http://Match.com) and OkCupid is about 60/40 with more men. It’s certainly not 7:1. On the other hand, they say the “relationship sites” like eHarmony and [Chemistry.com](http://Chemistry.com) are opposite, with about 60% women. I think that’s where guys should spend their time and money, if they insist on wasting time online dating. I once read some article about a sugar baby dating site, where women who want to have sex in exchange for presents can meet men who want to buy women shoes to get them to have sex with them. The article made it out to be a normal thing that regular people were doing, which kind of disturbed me, honestly. So I created an account to see what kind of women were using it. If, as a guy, you want to experience getting tons of messages on an online dating site, that is the way to go. They will be creepy manipulative whores, but you’ll get lots of messages. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/126 "2013-01-03T17:20:56Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > They will be creepy manipulative whores, but you’ll get lots of messages. The female equivalents of the dick picture senders, if you will. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/127 "2013-01-03T17:44:21Z")
I have only recently started the online dating thing, and so far have not gotten any real dates out of it. But I am seeing a lot of the trends mentioned in this thread, especially the lack of response. I am using match and I get “person X” winked at you or “person Y likes your profile and made it her favorite” so I read their profile, craft an e-mail to them introducing myself and asking a few questions. No response, chirping crickets. And this is after I filter out the “I am a 22 year old double-jointed gymnast seeking a man of any race, religion, education level aged 25-90 for true love and more” types. A few other trends I’ve noticed that strike me as odd, women who include pictures of their children in their profile (not with their children, just the kids). Seems more dangerous than the ones who put pictures of their cat as their profile picture. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/128 "2013-01-03T17:45:59Z")
Sorry, one other thing. If you use the word “Christian” in your description more than once it sounds zealot-y. ---
**Author:** ![jayrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/47e85d/32.png) [@jayrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayrey)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 5:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/129 "2013-01-03T17:55:29Z")
> [@Wesley\_Clark](#): > > I’m a guy and I don’t know how in tune with the rest of this thread this is, but I really dislike online dating because of how it skews the supply/demand dynamic. Your messages get lost in a flood of messages women get. When I would write to women I would write because I read their profile and liked what I saw of their personality, interests and goals. For many of the women I would be open to just building a friendship because they seemed like interesting people who understood the city better than I do and whose interests or personalities were things I could relate to. But I would virtually never get responses to the messages I sent out, and it felt degrading to write to a lot of women and get nothing back from them. > > I’m nothing special physically, but still. If it’s any comfort to you, **Wesley Clark** , the exact same thing happens to me and I’m a straight woman. I write to men who seem interesting and with whom I think we might some things in common. I always try to make reference to something specific in their profile and say that I’d like to get to know them better. Time after time after time, no response. I see from the website that they’ve viewed my profile and, apparently, found me lacking. And then there’s the guy who pursued me online until he found out I was cancer survivor. Then he dropped me like a hot rock! What is up with that? I could use some advice about this: I was seeing a great guy for a couple of weeks – we had a lot in common, enjoyed spending time together. We talked or texted every day for two weeks. Last conversation we had, he said how much he enjoyed spending time with me and that he’d call the next day. That was a week ago. Haven’t heard from him. What should I do? If I text him – just to say, “hey, how you doin’?” – will it look like I’m chasing him? Part of me says, he’s moved on, let it go, but another part is really confused. Any suggestions? ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/130 "2013-01-03T17:58:41Z")
> [@jayrey](#): > > I could use some advice about this: I was seeing a great guy for a couple of weeks – we had a lot in common, enjoyed spending time together. We talked or texted every day for two weeks. Last conversation we had, he said how much he enjoyed spending time with me and that he’d call the next day. That was a week ago. Haven’t heard from him. What should I do? If I text him – just to say, “hey, how you doin’?” – will it look like I’m chasing him? Part of me says, he’s moved on, let it go, but another part is really confused. Any suggestions? One text or email is reasonable and won’t make you look desperate. Move on if there is no response to that. ---
**Author:** ![jayrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/47e85d/32.png) [@jayrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayrey)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/131 "2013-01-03T18:08:45Z")
Thanks, **hajario** , I’ll do that. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/132 "2013-01-03T18:36:08Z")
> [@jayrey](#): > > What should I do? Because I’m a modern kind of gal, I have no reservations sending a “how are you doing?” text. But if he doesn’t respond or this is a recurring theme: _he’s just not that into you._ I shouldn’t be having to initiate conversation more than roughly half the time-- if I’m reaching out every time, something is wrong. ---
**Author:** ![jayrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/47e85d/32.png) [@jayrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayrey)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/133 "2013-01-03T19:02:59Z")
I agree, **DiosaBellissima**. What seems very odd to me was that he was initiating the contact at least 50% of the time, probably a little more, and now, silence. Well, I sent a “hey, how ya doin’?” text a few minutes ago. We’ll see what happens. But you’re right, if I don’t hear anything, it will be time to move on. ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/134 "2013-01-03T21:15:17Z")
> [@xizor](#): > > A few other trends I’ve noticed that strike me as odd, women who include pictures of their children in their profile (not with their children, just the kids). Seems more dangerous than the ones who put pictures of their cat as their profile picture. There are women who do this? Yeah, there’s a zero percent chance that such a woman is anything even close to attractive. ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/135 "2013-01-03T22:14:45Z")
> [@jayrey](#): > > I could use some advice about this: I was seeing a great guy for a couple of weeks – we had a lot in common, enjoyed spending time together. We talked or texted every day for two weeks. Last conversation we had, he said how much he enjoyed spending time with me and that he’d call the next day. That was a week ago. Haven’t heard from him. What should I do? If I text him – just to say, “hey, how you doin’?” – will it look like I’m chasing him? Part of me says, he’s moved on, let it go, but another part is really confused. Any suggestions? He’s probably bailed. But what a douche. If you say you’re going to call, then call. If I know I’m not going to contact a woman ever again I just don’t say anything. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2013, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/136 "2013-01-03T23:27:34Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > He’s probably bailed. But what a douche. If you say you’re going to call, then call. If I know I’m not going to contact a woman ever again I just don’t say anything. Probably, but its also possible that he got really busy, his mother went into the hospital, he’s been coughing up a lung, or he’s had something embarrassing happen where he hasn’t been able to/hasn’t wanted to reach out. After a week or two having left with “I’ll call you tomorrow” he now ignores you because he thinks you think he’s a douche. But “how you doing” might get a “oh, shit…look my life exploded on me and I did mean to call.” ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2013, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/137 "2013-01-04T00:02:30Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Probably, but its also possible that he got really busy, his mother went into the hospital, he’s been coughing up a lung, or he’s had something embarrassing happen where he hasn’t been able to/hasn’t wanted to reach out. After a week or two having left with “I’ll call you tomorrow” he now ignores you because he thinks you think he’s a douche. But “how you doing” might get a “oh, shit…look my life exploded on me and I did mean to call.” Maybe, but you’d think that if they’d been talking and texting for two weeks straight he could spare thirty seconds to type out a “Something came up, sorry, haven’t forgotten you.” ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2013, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/138 "2013-01-04T00:06:08Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > Maybe, but you’d think that if they’d been talking and texting for two weeks straight he could spare thirty seconds to type out a “Something came up, sorry, haven’t forgotten you.” Word. And why would you want to date someone who isn’t interested enough in you to extend that courtesy? Like I said, I’d send that friendly text, but based on the response I got, I may just cut my losses. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2013, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/139 "2013-01-04T00:10:21Z")
> [@jayrey](#): > > I could use some advice about this: I was seeing a great guy for a couple of weeks – we had a lot in common, enjoyed spending time together. We talked or texted every day for two weeks. Last conversation we had, he said how much he enjoyed spending time with me and that he’d call the next day. That was a week ago. Haven’t heard from him. What should I do? If I text him – just to say, “hey, how you doin’?” – will it look like I’m chasing him? Part of me says, he’s moved on, let it go, but another part is really confused. Any suggestions? Do you have his home address? If so I would start mailing him copies of the DVD Fatal attraction, at least one per week, as well as love notes written from letters individually cut out of [magazines](http://ec.comps.canstockphoto.com/can-stock-photo_csp3773143.jpg) Also dick pics, if you have any send them to him too. Let me know if I can be of more help. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2013, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600/140 "2013-01-04T00:20:34Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > Word. And why would you want to date someone who isn’t interested enough in you to extend that courtesy? Like I said, I’d send that friendly text, but based on the response I got, I may just cut my losses. Some guys are shy. Some guys are disorganized as hell. Some guys aren’t chasing putang 24/7. Some guys aren’t actually sure what to do with a girl once they “catch” her. If “you” like the guy and think it could go further then drop him a line once in awhile. Unless you email/phone every day the dude is not IMO be turned off. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/online-dating-is-literally-the-worst/645600.md?page=8)