# Open marriage, vunerability or fucking stupidity? **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [October 13, 2002, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048 "2002-10-13T04:27:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2002, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/141 "2002-10-31T01:20:50Z")
a) why would exclusive sex be the key reason to get married? I got married because this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, live with, have children with, etc. The same reasons everyone else gets married. b) I have loved most of the guys I’ve dated. But I do have to admit, I fall in love easily 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![JDeMobray](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/85e7bf/32.png) [@JDeMobray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JDeMobray)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2002, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/142 "2002-10-31T01:33:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by red\_dragon60 \* > \*\*what is gained from being married that being an unmarried couple could not provide? \*\* More advantageous income tax forms? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Lilairen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lilairen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lilairen)\ **Post date:** [October 31, 2002, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/143 "2002-10-31T06:00:50Z")
Stifflers Mom, I’m glad your friend has come to a good conclusion about what she wants and gone to pursue it. I hope it works out the best for her. jackelope, I’ve already written to [salon.com](http://salon.com) about that article; given that they’ve published pieces on polyamory in the past, I’m honestly disgusted that one of their employees demonstrates that level of ignorance. red\_dragon60, my mother-in-law asked the same question. :} The answer we gave her was, essentially, that we loved each other, we wanted to spend our lives together, and we saw no reason to not make a formal commitment on those terms. I would make the same commitment to my boyfriend in a heartbeat, and both he and my husband know it. ---
**Author:** ![Triss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Triss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Triss)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2002, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/144 "2002-11-01T04:59:09Z")
I agree with **Drastic** , this whole thing just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, for everyone involved. If a phrase can be an oxymoron, then “open marriage” has gotta be one. Does anyone **honestly** know of any “open marriage” that has lasted? Either the “open” or the “marriage” part? There are just too many people involved in a too-complex sitch, IMO. It seems extremely unlikely that all four of them, the married couple and their respective “friends” can all be emotionally mature enough to get anything positive out of this. Could be the married couple have financial reasons to not want to split up, but may be bored sexually or something…who knows. Seems pretty ill-considered by everyone involved. As for what you could say to your friend **Stiffler’s Mom**? Probably not much, people are gonna do what they want until they don’t wanna no mo’. As others have said, just be the shoulder when she’s ready. Oh, and I vote for **Mint Chocolate Chip** ---
**Author:** ![Stifflers\_Mom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3be4f8/32.png) [@Stifflers\_Mom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stifflers_Mom)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2002, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/145 "2002-11-01T05:09:33Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Triss \* > Seems pretty ill-considered by everyone involved. As for what you could say to your friend **Stiffler’s Mom**? Probably not much, people are gonna do what they want until they don’t wanna no mo’. > > As others have said, just be the shoulder when she’s ready. Oh, and I vote for **Mint Chocolate Chip** \*\* As I stated in a previous post, she left him last week to persue her happiness. Thanks for the ice-cream suggestion. It is one of my favorites. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Triss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Triss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Triss)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2002, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/146 "2002-11-01T05:23:19Z")
I just this second realized that I somehow missed that statement and came back to beg forgiveness. 😉 :: off to scarf some Mint Choc Chip :: ---
**Author:** ![Lilairen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lilairen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lilairen)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2002, 5:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/147 "2002-11-01T05:53:10Z")
> [@](#): > > If a phrase can be an oxymoron, then “open marriage” has gotta be one. Does anyone honestly know of any “open marriage” that has lasted? Either the “open” or the “marriage” part? I know of several that have lasted for over twenty years and are still ongoing. My own has lasted for eight so far. Next question? ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2002, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/148 "2002-11-01T12:27:28Z")
11 years and counting, here. ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2002, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/149 "2002-11-01T12:27:39Z")
Are people going to keep popping in here to say, “I’ve never seen one. has ANYONE?” Because it’s getting kind of old, especially since **reading the thread** would provide an answer… Man. It looks from the OTHER side like a lot of people are getting married JUST so they can make with the fuckin’. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2002, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/150 "2002-11-01T12:30:00Z")
(I shouldn’t have had to say that, btw. If Triss had bothered to read the thread he/she would have seen that the same thing was asked numerous times and answered numerous times. _sigh_) ---
**Author:** ![Triss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Triss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Triss)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2002, 6:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/151 "2002-11-02T06:48:52Z")
_Originally posted by Lilairen_ > [@](#): > > I know of several that have lasted for over twenty years and are still ongoing. > > My own has lasted for eight so far. I doubt that you know of **several** that have lasted for over twenty years. Note that I said: "Does anyone **honestly** know of any “open marriage” that has lasted? Either the “open” or the “marriage” part? Keyword being **honestly**. Which is why it’s emphasized. If you are married to a given person, and you fuck people other than that person (whether physically or mentally) or purport to be in a romantic relationship with anyone other than that person, you are not really “married” by the commonly accepted definition of the word, so don’t give me any bullshit. I said “commonly accepted”…we all know what that means and no amount of dicking around with semantics makes it any different. You may be playing house, in a convenient financial position with your spouse, simply used to each other, or self-delusional. Like I said, who knows. > [@](#): > > Next question? I have no further questions for you, you may go now and please feel free to use some Kleenex for that little snot problem. Thank-you. _Originally posted by OpalCat_ > [@](#): > > I have loved most of the guys I’ve dated. But I do have to admit, I fall in love easily Really. Are you quite sure? Interesting. > [@](#): > > 11 years and counting, here. Please see the last four paragraphs of my above reply to Lilairen’s **first** quoted post above. > [@](#): > > (I shouldn’t have had to say that, btw. If Triss had bothered to read the thread he/she would have seen that the same thing was asked numerous times and answered numerous times. _sigh_) ( You certainly don’t _have_ to say anything, _btw_. Any more than I _have_ to bother to read the thread to post my opinion as the OP asked. So _sigh_ yourself.) Thank-you. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![xcheopis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/bc8723/32.png) [@xcheopis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xcheopis)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2002, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/152 "2002-11-02T07:09:46Z")
> [@](#): > > you are not really “married” by the commonly accepted definition of the word From the Oxford Dictionary of Current English: **Marriage** _n_: 1. Legal union of a man and a woman for cohabitation and often procreation 2. act or ceremony marking this 3. particular such union 4. intimate union, combination By which of these “commonly accepted definitions” are they not really married? ---
**Author:** ![Triss](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Triss](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Triss)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2002, 7:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/153 "2002-11-02T07:19:32Z")
“Commonly accepted definitions” are not the same thing as dictionary meanings. You know perfectly well what the commonly accepted meaning of the word “marriage” is. From the Webster Dictionary of the English Language: **semantics** n: pl. The study of meaning; the study of historical change in meaning. ---
**Author:** ![xcheopis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/bc8723/32.png) [@xcheopis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xcheopis)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2002, 7:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/154 "2002-11-02T07:25:04Z")
Yes, I know that in some countries, it is the legal union of a man and woman. In Vermony, it is also the legal union of a man and a man, or a woman and a woman. In other countries, it is the legal union of a man and more than one woman. In still others, it is the legal union of a woman and more than one man. By which of these “commonly accepted definitions” are they not really married? ---
**Author:** ![Drastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Drastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drastic)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2002, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/155 "2002-11-02T07:41:17Z")
> [@](#): > > I agree with Drastic… When I first saw this bit, deep furrows formed in my brow as I tried to remember actually posting anywhere in this mess. So I went back to page one and found it, and reflected that occasionally life gives minor lessons on the danger of uttering opaque drive-bys. (Gee, thanks, life!) For the record, I register dubiousness with the aforementioned alleged agreement with me. I have no emotional investment in needing polyamorous relationships to be any more inherently painful than the monogamous variety, or vice versa. (There is no inherent suffering in relationships. Like fire in Hell in a great old Sufi story, there just isn’t any–people bring their own.) That little conversation between the voices in my head, way back yonder on page number one, was in reference to the course of the thread itself. It was a (clearly far too opaque) way of saying “trainwreck!” and, as noted, a drive-by. At that time, in the thread’s first labor contractions (mixaphorically speaking), I gandered, thought it was a ugly and pointless fight waiting to happen, posted perhaps by mistake, and then wandered away. (I’m aware that as gifts of prophecy go, predicting ugly and pointless fights ranks right up there with telling someone that the next person they talk to is likely to utter some words with the letter “e” in them. Still, I like to occasionally make such predictions anyway, for hope of being wrong.) ---
**Author:** ![Lilairen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lilairen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lilairen)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2002, 7:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/156 "2002-11-02T07:47:48Z")
Lessee. I know of a triad that has existed for fifteen years plus, several twenty-plus years dyads and others, a marriage that was saved by being opened (the participants had closed it, I believe upon making it legal, and realized some time later that that choice was destroying their partnership), and a number of assemblages of various durations. Yup, I can **honestly** say I know of these. And I think that **honestly** , your desire to demand that I lie is not particularly in keeping of your desirefor **honest** responses. Personally, I think that having a marriage certificate on file at City Hall is pretty sufficient for being **honestly** married, and I suspect that if someone tried to argue that having other partners invalidated it they’d be laughed out, but who am I to judge? I’m only a paralegal. In all **honesty** , if I gave you, Triss, the answers that you so desperately desired, I would be a liar. And that, **honestly** , you’re not qualified to declare my marriage, or anyone else’s, invalid because it doesn’t suit your petty, narrow-minded bigotries. ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2002, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/157 "2002-11-02T11:32:54Z")
There is one reason for an open marriage which has not been touched on, I think. There are times when it’s difficult if not impossible for a person to be capable of having sex. In such cases, an open marriage is a way for the couple to keep their marriage without enforcing celibacy on both parties. **Triss** , I can’t tell you honestly how long my friends with the open marriage have had an open marriage because it’s none of my business. I can tell you that they have been married for 26 years and that they have a deep, wonderful, loving relationship with each other. The love they share is almost palpable. I didn’t understand open marriages and was vaguely against them until I met people who had one. I’m still not sure if it’s for me, when and if I ever marry. I suspect that if these friends of mine had not decided to try an open marriage they would have divorced, which would be a shame. **Stiffler’s Mom** , congratulations to your friend. I’m still not sure about the fellow she was dating, simply because it took him so long to mention his wife. When I met my friend with the open marriage, he told me about his wife on the day we met, because she is an active, vital, important part of his life. I can see why. I’ll second the mint chocolate chip ice cream if she ever second guesses herself, or try Dulce Du Leche – caramel with a hint of coffee. CJ ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2002, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/158 "2002-11-02T23:37:17Z")
Stiffler’s Mom, if you drop back in, it sounds like your friend has made a good decision for her. Triss, You are relatively new here. Around here we do value bothering to read all the posts in a long thread before you come up with some half assed post. (After that, you are free to make all the half assed remarks you want). And before you go off about “rights” its a private board and the moderators do have some say in your remaining here. We also don’t assume someone is lying simply because their reality is different from ours. I’m in a monogomous marriage, but I also know several marriages that have been open (or poly in some other form) successfully for decades. Your posts are making you look like you have no clue what you are talking about, but feel the need to be the expert on it anyway. Its not an attitude that will fly well around here. ---
**Author:** ![Hamadryad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/6de8d8/32.png) [@Hamadryad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamadryad)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2002, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/159 "2002-11-03T02:25:32Z")
**Lilairen** : From what I can tell **Triss** is insisting that no union between anything other than two people - not matter what the participants think - is a marriage. Therefore, no amount of bolding the word **honestly** is going to make the slightest shred of difference. **Triss** _knows_ what you/we mean; he/she/it just _totally doesn’t give a shit_. Which can be explained by the gigantic stick which is apparently lodged up his/her/its ass. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2002, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048/160 "2002-11-03T04:55:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Triss \* > you are not really “married” by the commonly accepted definition of the word, so don’t give me any bullshit. I said “commonly accepted”…we all know what that means and no amount of dicking around with semantics makes it any different. You may be playing house, in a convenient financial position with your spouse, simply used to each other, or self-delusional. Like I said, who knows. \*\* Err… what the fuckin ever. You know that polygamy has been traditionally accepted in a number of cultures, right? As a commonly accepted definition of marriage? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/open-marriage-vunerability-or-fucking-stupidity/132048.md?page=9)