# opinion on relationship boundaries **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 30, 2014, 11:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990 "2014-06-30T11:04:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/61 "2014-06-30T18:04:36Z")
Funny. Just last Friday I went to a summer social shindig at a bar with my partner. Probably at least 150 people there, some we knew, some we didn’t, and some I knew but my partner didn’t. We both spent more than half of our 3+ hours there talking apart from each other with people other than “our date.” This included me running over to talk to a friendly acquaintance of mine and leaving my partner to chat with others. My partner had never met the guy I was talking to, until he came over to join our conversation – actually joining, not “Hey I’m her partner so you know… [back off]” – along with a mutual acquaintance who joined at more or less the same time. Odd how this sounds almost exactly like the circumstances in the OP, except no one was checking their watch and no one felt a need to run over and mark their territory. In fact, our behavior wasn’t even mentioned by either of us except to relate portions of our conversations to each other after we left. It didn’t occur to either of us to feel jealous or insecure about it, nor did we find any of our behavior rude. You know, given the point of socializing at a bar is to mingle and _socialize._ With people. As in more than one person. Sometimes even people you don’t know well, or at all. Crazy. ---
**Author:** ![Turpentine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecd19e/32.png) [@Turpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turpentine)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/62 "2014-06-30T18:04:50Z")
It seems pretty normal to me to feel left out and jealous if one’s date just took off and left you alone for over an hour, especially if the couple has not been dating for long. Several people have said that it’s different if it’s a longterm couple, but it hasn’t been like that for me. I still don’t think my husband would do that to me after all this time, and I wouldn’t do that to him. If one of us got into a long conversation with someone else, we’d probably go back to eachother once the conversation’s over. If one of us were engaged in an hour-long, riveting discussion with some other person and lost track of the time or something, there would be a mild apology, like “Sorry I disappeared for so long, it’s just that that guy was a geologist and he knew about this awesome fossil site and I got sucked in talking…” What’s so possessive and immature about not wanting to be ditched by your new date for a significant portion of the evening? It doesn’t seem complex and unfathomable to understand why that would make a guy upset, and the girl was pretty thoughtless and rude. She could have at least apologized. For what it’s worth, my husband has an impeccable sense of timing and it’s adorable. He’ll say things like “Ok, I’m leaving in three minutes to pick you up, so I’ll be there at 4:13. If I get stuck behind a bus, it might be 4:16.” I’m always tickled when he shows up exactly at 4:13, which is often the case. I’m mentioning this because one or two people have said there’s something weird or controlling about your use of “2.5” hours- I don’t see the problem 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/63 "2014-06-30T18:16:03Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Why? They were at a bar hanging out with friends, not doing dinner and a movie. > [@epbrown01](#): > > Not even looking at things from a relationship perspective, in terms of etiquette her behavior was rude. A guy leaving his date alone for an hour to talk fantasy football would be equally rude. Then you add in ignoring his friends there as well. > > From a relationship perspective - two employed people not living together have a limited amount of time to spend together, assuming they had lives beforehand. She spent a quarter of that limited time re-hashing an old tv show with a stranger, rather than with him or his friends. The message that sends isn’t positive. Then he shouldn’t have taken her to a bar. Spending several hours in a bar means you are open to drifting off into a variety of encounters with random people, of various lengths of time, without forethought. ---
**Author:** ![jayrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/47e85d/32.png) [@jayrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayrey)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/64 "2014-06-30T18:41:54Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > Then he shouldn’t have taken her to a bar. Spending several hours in a bar means you are open to drifting off into a variety of encounters with random people, of various lengths of time, without forethought. Is this a commom bar experience/expectation? Although I admit it was a thousand years ago, whenever I went with a date to a bar, it was to spend some time together, maybe hang with some friends (not strangers), shoot pool, have few drinks and maybe a snack. I never went wandering off and entered into random conversations with strangers. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/65 "2014-06-30T18:56:12Z")
Has the OP indicated what the resolution with his girlfriend was? ---
**Author:** ![black\_rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/f19dbf/32.png) [@black\_rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/black_rabbit)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/66 "2014-06-30T19:03:27Z")
The seven week mark is still in the head over heels crazy cuckoo honeymoon phase, where you swing between overlooking the obvious red flags because you’re so perfect for each other and obsessively grinding over every little perceived bump in the road because maybe she doesn’t love you as much as you love her. In other words, I got nuthin’. Unless she made you watch her purse for an hour. In which case, eject immediately. I _hate_ that shit. ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/67 "2014-06-30T19:06:08Z")
I still maintain that early in a dating relationship, ignoring one’s date and companions to talk to another person (especially of the preferred sex) while ignoring your date is inconsiderate. The purpose of a date is to get to know your new partner, her friends and her family, no? I mean, instead of going out with friends, the OP had arranged a get-together with his family in a bar or some public place as a get-to-know-everybody outing, and his date wandered off for an hour to talk to a virtual stranger about a TV show without acknowledging the people she got to the venue with…I’d think that somewhat tacky. Then again I’m a Boomer and perhaps the differences in perception break down along generational lines? Now, once the relationship has settled into a comfortable groove, it’s perfectly fine to go off and mingle, even to have close relationships with other people of the preferred sex. Once I’m comfortable in a relationship, I’ve always been OK with it and I’ve always had good male friends - a partner who got possessive or jealous would be a major turn-off. I concede it’s entirely possible that **sjmesf** was being passive-aggressive and/or clingy. But to me at the very least there’s a fundamental difference in how he and his new girlfriend perceive boundaries - maybe it really is completely OK for her to go off and chat with a new male friend for an hour in a bar, but if she thinks that is fine, and he doesn’t, common ground is going to be hard to find. ---
**Author:** ![Stuffy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f17d59/32.png) [@Stuffy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stuffy)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/68 "2014-06-30T19:08:08Z")
> [@jayrey](#): > > Is this a commom bar experience/expectation? Although I admit it was a thousand years ago, whenever I went with a date to a bar, it was to spend some time together, maybe hang with some friends (not strangers), shoot pool, have few drinks and maybe a snack. I never went wandering off and entered into random conversations with strangers. I was at a bar Saturday with a new lady friend, and this is pretty, much exactly how we spent the time, sometimes engaging each other sometime others. I’m introverted and standoffish under the best of circumstances and what you’re saying sounds… stifling. But that’s for me. YMMV. It’s about expectations not boundaries and those vary from person to person. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/69 "2014-06-30T19:33:12Z")
That’s exactly what a bar is for, as opposed to other kinds of establishments where you are assigned your own private location and will he expected to stay there for the duration. A bar is there for free-flowing socializing with whoever is present. You are allowed to move around, get onto conversations, make new friends, rediscover old friendships, etc. That’s the whole point of being in a bar. ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/70 "2014-06-30T19:36:55Z")
> [@sjmesf](#): > > I don’t see how anyone of sound mind could think that I am ravenously jealous given my post. > [@sjmesf](#): > > For me, once I saw the interaction unfolding it was natural to glance over every 5 minutes and to keep tabs on what was going on (e.g. make sure he didn’t have his arm around her trying for even more). You might want to revisit the I’m Not Jealous. Note that I’m not judging you, I’ve been known to partake in a bit of that myself. In fact, this situation would have driven me friggin’ nuts, but I pick my battles carefully. Here’s my advice: If you’ve already been harping on this, don’t talk about it anymore. If it happens again, deal with it then. If you haven’t said anything after that night, try: _When you do X, I feel Y._ See how it plays out. Be open to her side of things, don’t blow it off. At the same time, you need to judge if she’s doing it to you. At the end of the day, you either reach an understanding or you don’t. Keep in mind that one of the great frustrations in life is not being able to make people do what you want them to do. ---
**Author:** ![sjmesf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@sjmesf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sjmesf)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/71 "2014-06-30T20:38:54Z")
It’s interesting that most people that disagree with me strongly here are calling me names, a lot. I don’t know exactly what that means, but of course I have my speculations. I love how people think it is weird that I know the difference between 3 and 3 and 1/2 hours and that in this thread I would mention it! ---
**Author:** ![sjmesf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@sjmesf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sjmesf)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/72 "2014-06-30T20:44:33Z")
> [@Kaio](#): > > Funny. Just last Friday I went to a summer social shindig at a bar with my partner. Probably at least 150 people there, some we knew, some we didn’t, and some I knew but my partner didn’t. > > We both spent more than half of our 3+ hours there talking apart from each other with people other than “our date.” This included me running over to talk to a friendly acquaintance of mine and leaving my partner to chat with others. My partner had never met the guy I was talking to, until he came over to join our conversation – actually joining, not “Hey I’m her partner so you know… [back off]” – along with a mutual acquaintance who joined at more or less the same time. Odd how this sounds almost exactly like the circumstances in the OP, except no one was checking their watch and no one felt a need to run over and mark their territory. > > In fact, our behavior wasn’t even mentioned by either of us except to relate portions of our conversations to each other after we left. > > It didn’t occur to either of us to feel jealous or insecure about it, nor did we find any of our behavior rude. You know, given the point of socializing at a bar is to mingle and _socialize._ With people. As in more than one person. Sometimes even people you don’t know well, or at all. > > Crazy. Why are you SO into this thread Kaio? It’s almost like it triggered something in you and you just have to set me right by posting like 20 times in a short period. Have your ex s not understood when you crashed on a different random person’s couch every weekend because you were trying to be responsible and not drive after drinking enough to float a battleship and basking in attention all night? Just seems you have a real issue here. ---
**Author:** ![jayrey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/47e85d/32.png) [@jayrey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayrey)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/73 "2014-06-30T20:49:37Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > That’s exactly what a bar is for, as opposed to other kinds of establishments where you are assigned your own private location and will he expected to stay there for the duration. > > A bar is there for free-flowing socializing with whoever is present. You are allowed to move around, get onto conversations, make new friends, rediscover old friendships, etc. That’s the whole point of being in a bar. Wow. I musta missed the memo. ---
**Author:** ![sjmesf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@sjmesf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sjmesf)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/74 "2014-06-30T20:49:47Z")
> [@Turpentine](#): > > What’s so possessive and immature about not wanting to be ditched by your new date for a significant portion of the evening? It doesn’t seem complex and unfathomable to understand why that would make a guy upset, and the girl was pretty thoughtless and rude. She could have at least apologized. I think it is a generational thing. People now are taught that anything they want to do is okay so long as it doesn’t hurt a traditionally victimized group, is not a hate crime, and does not denigrate their spirit animal. Special snowflakes that listened to Oprah while they were in their crib in diapers. That’s why I’m about done here. This has become non-productive as people have piled on. People that seem to have boundaries so different than mine that I don’t even see where they exist. I have a bunch of folks informing me that basically people should be able to do whatever they’d like in a relationship (short of genital contact) and you should be okay with it because otherwise you are some list of bad words like controlling. It just sounds like reactionary, PC, hippie dippie garbage. Hardly anyone I know thinks this way so I must have found a great big pile of super enlightened people (“sure honey, go off and sit with that man I don’t know for a really long time and act like I don’t exist! that spells LOVE!”). ---
**Author:** ![sjmesf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@sjmesf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sjmesf)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/75 "2014-06-30T20:57:04Z")
> [@jayrey](#): > > Is this a commom bar experience/expectation? Although I admit it was a thousand years ago, whenever I went with a date to a bar, it was to spend some time together, maybe hang with some friends (not strangers), shoot pool, have few drinks and maybe a snack. I never went wandering off and entered into random conversations with strangers. This says it all, and thanks. The person you are responding to seems like a big partier and super social butterfly. I guess I’m not there. No, when I go to bars with friends and my SO, I do NOT get drunk and just wander around for talk to random people. I act like I am doing what I am doing: going to a bar with my gf. It’s like some folks are seeing life as some big rave where we all just need to commune and meet all these special random people. I think it smells funny. ---
**Author:** ![sjmesf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/59ef9b/32.png) [@sjmesf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sjmesf)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/76 "2014-06-30T21:03:15Z")
> [@jayrey](#): > > Wow. I musta missed the memo. It’s almost like all bars are also swingers clubs! I don’t get how there seem to be almost zero expectations in a bar. Must be a magical place…because it’s a BAR of course. I’m to the point of finding some folks funny. Am I talking to a bunch of radical feminist who thinks I’m punishing a sister and trying to clip her wings? Or is it a bunch of people that have unhealthy needs for attention and have been called on it over and over and have crafted a narrative to deal with that one? ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/77 "2014-06-30T21:07:54Z")
> [@sjmesf](#): > > I think it is a generational thing. > > People now are taught that anything they want to do is okay so long as it doesn’t hurt a traditionally victimized group, is not a hate crime, and does not denigrate their spirit animal. Special snowflakes that listened to Oprah while they were in their crib in diapers. > > That’s why I’m about done here. This has become non-productive as people have piled on. People that seem to have boundaries so different than mine that I don’t even see where they exist. > > I have a bunch of folks informing me that basically people should be able to do whatever they’d like in a relationship (short of genital contact) and you should be okay with it because otherwise you are some list of bad words like controlling. > > It just sounds like reactionary, PC, hippie dippie garbage. > > Hardly anyone I know thinks this way so I must have found a great big pile of super enlightened people (“sure honey, go off and sit with that man I don’t know for a really long time and act like I don’t exist! that spells LOVE!”). Woah. Almost as many posters have agreed with you than not…yet you are choosing to vilify the people who have a different take, while ignoring the thoughts of those that agree with you. So you’re pulling the tired old “you don’t love me so I am done here” trope. See ya, don’t want to be ya. This is almost a cliche around here. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/78 "2014-06-30T21:08:54Z")
Don’t take the cocain socialists too seriously, **sjmesf**. ---
**Author:** ![Lowdown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Lowdown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lowdown)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/79 "2014-06-30T21:11:06Z")
Maybe asking for advice on the internet is not for you. ---
**Author:** ![Calatin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@Calatin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Calatin)\ **Post date:** [June 30, 2014, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990/80 "2014-06-30T21:16:48Z")
Yeah, I want to join in on the “you’re not looking for advice, you’re looking for validation and getting upset when people aren’t agreeing with you” bandwagon. The SDMB is rarely an echo chamber, so if you are going to get worked-up when people have dissenting views, you may not be happy here. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinion-on-relationship-boundaries/691990.md?page=5)