After going back, and re-reading the thread, I can agree with this, also.
Of course, his asking about her husband, and offering a job, makes it more confusing; the guy could be just a nutty gay, who has taken an interest in her as a project, a nutty het who has taken an interest in her as a project, or else a complete power tripping het, who is off the deep end.
I should also add: I don’t think sex may necessarily be on the manager’s mind. He may just be socially awkward around women and not know how to relate to them outside of talking about looks and love life.
And even if he is gay it’s still inappropriate. And his orientation should not be relevant anyway. If what he’s saying makes the OP uncomfortable it doesn’t matter if he wants to boink her or is offering fashion advice.
The OP clarified that she is not working in a field where her appearance matters, but regardless, what the manager is saying isn’t even ok for that.
I had a male manager when I worked in retail and our appearance was important/there was a dress code and he had to be very, very careful with what he said about how we looked. He couldn’t say “you look cute” for example. He had to phrase it like, “You look brand appropriate.”
As everyone said, document, document, document. If he is merely socially awkward maybe someone pulling him aside or you letting him know will give him a heads up and he’ll knock it off. If he is a creeper, then continue documenting (as well as telling him in a professional way how his comments make you feel) and go to someone higher up if necessary. For all you know he has had similar complaints made against him.
I think talking to the manager, especially without a witness, is a very bad idea. He can present the conversation as you going all hysterical over one harmless comment.
Document the behavior for three days, request a meeting with HR and request their assistance, in informing the manager that the behavior makes you uncomfortable. Do not apologize for making a fuss, but don’t make a fuss; just ask the professionals to handle this delicate matter.
Then, ask if anyone has a friend in HR at another company who can help you get a job. One of you will be gone in six months. Whether you go to HR or not.
I think PunditLisa****'s hypothetical responses are good if stated in a calm, professional manner and I can’t see how the manager could present a statement like that as the OP “going all hysterical” unless he’s an absolute loon.
The OP could document “on X date I politely and professionally let Manager know x comment made me feel uncomfortable, yet he persisted in making these remarks.”
I don’t know about ALL companies, but HR or upper management may prefer it if the OP attempts to resolve it on her own first. Especially if the guy is just totally clueless and has no idea how his comments are coming across.
Thanks for the clarification; the pretty much nails it down that he is way over the line.
Sometimes male managers do need to comment on a female employee’s appearance (for example, if a female employee is wearing something more appropriate for stripping than for the office); even in those cases, he will not make comments like your manager is making. He will say something about how your clothes are inappropriate for a professional environment, or leave it to HR to deal with. He will NOT tell you how to wear your hair, or comment on how cute you look.
These are good suggestions.
Any one of the things the manager is doing does not sound too extreme; put all together, though, it’s setting off my creep-o-meter, too. I don’t quite understand the thing about getting your husband a job; even if he is just an overly friendly guy who wants to be your best friend, he needs to learn boundaries at work.
They’re called “lies”.
There are still men who will characterize any complaint, contradiction, or challenge by a woman as bitchy, whiny, or overly emotional; there are still companies where they can get away with it.
I would not trust a manager who commented repeatedly on my physical appearance to respond well to a request from the recipient to stop doing so.
I think a casual discussion about the company culture from a disinterested third party would be more relaxed and effective.
They all want you to do that–not bring it up so they aren’t liable. The trick is to allow them the opportunity to correct the situation, which is easier than covering it up and then firing her. On the other hand, if the guy is an insider, like a relative or something, then it’s time to start looking for another job, but documenting the problem anyhow.
This is making you uncomfortable enough that you are asking what you should do. In my opinion, you should report it immediately to your HR department. It is not up to you to determine if this is harassment. Your responsibility is to report your concern and let your HR do their investigation. Any company who tries to sweep this under the rug is one who wishes to court big trouble; it’s not a bad idea to document for yourself who says what to whom and when.
I was a director for a large company where, on a yearly basis, every employee was required to sit through sexual harassment training. Sexual harassment is a big deal and shouldn’t be brushed off. Good luck.
Well that’s just the thing. None of the actions as described by the OP really rise to the level of sexual harassment. They are (so far) mainly an annoying manager who wants to dictate or makeover her “look”, and based on his chatting about hiring her husband etc. it does not sound at all like he’s hitting on her, it’s mainly that he’s a minor league control freak. This might well be poor or obtuse management for overly involving himself the the personal appearance of an non-public contact employee and making her uncomfortable, but it’s not sexual harassment.
Being “uncomfortable” with someone does not validate anything unless you can bring specific behavior to the table and the behavior described so far is (IMO) not indicative of a how a heterosexual male would express his interest in her.
In combination, they do. The manager needs a serious talking to. The reference to “can get your husband a job there” is particularly troubling. Steps need to be taken now.
I was raped by a former boss whose sexual harassment started as these sort of flirty innocuous comments. When he got fired, he was irate since in his mind, he’d done nothing wrong. But just the comments like this are out of place in the workplace between a manager and a subordinate.
Thirding documenting. What may seem like slightly odd one-offs come into focus when you can look back over time and perhaps see patterns. I had a problem employee with little ‘quirks’ that I generally let slide. When I’d documented a years worth I was absolutlely shocked at how often I let small things go, how often I told him to do or not do something and was disobeyed. I couldn’t believe how often we had had the same conversation about his behavior until I counted them.
Document, document, document.
Never to me. 
Have you tried putting your hair up?
This really isn’t “flirtation” IMO re the OP unless it’s the oddest I’ve seen. He’s acting more like a somewhat domineering queen bee. Specifically he’s doing things re the hair suggestions and appearance shout out you’d expect more out of a female manager.
Yeah, I really like these as well.
Except that it does when you put it all together. I just took my yearly manager sexual harassment course, and something like this was almost exactly one of the case studies.
It does. The standard for sexual harassment is not whether he is interested in boinking her or whether he is trying to boink her. The standard is whether a reasonable (similar) person would feel harassed. (HR, do I get a gold star for remembering my course?) And I think that is the case here.
That being said, it’s very possible he’s just being clueless, and responses like PunditLisa’s would be a good first step because he might just stop once it’s kindly but firmly pointed out to him. But still: document, document, document. Especially if you try these and he doesn’t stop.
Why is this troubling? Because it might indicate a quid pro quo thing? (Because I guess my first response on reading it was, oh, if he’s cool with her husband being around, he must not be sexually interested…?)
Personally harassed or sexually harassed. There’s a fairly critical distinction here. Lumping together a bunch of annoying makeover suggestions and other behaviors, some of which are directly contradictory to indicating sexual interest (the husband comment) and saying “that’s sexual harassment because I feel uncomfortable about it” is not IMO some kind of gold standard. The boss is obviously a clueless doofus re these comments but it’s (IMO) not even close to indicating he’s after her sexually. I’ll go back to my previous assertion that it sounds more like he is gay than anything else offered so far.
From an HR perspective, this sounds like harassment. To the manager’s defense, he may be very socially awkward, he may be completely giving advice that he feels would be helpful, and he may have heard something about you not appearing friendly, and tried to combat that with the smile comment… He may also be trying to show affection and have this lead somewhere. Either way, it is making you uncomfortable, and it needs to be addressed.
I agree with the direction to meet with the manager and with HR simultaneously to clear the air. Approach it in a non-accusatory but honest manner, letting the manager know that while he may have meant no harm. you are uncomfortable with the things he has been saying, and that you want to maintain a professional focus. Following the meeting, document the conversation with an email to your HR person confirming what you talked about and the understanding of actions coming from the meeting, if your HR person does not provide one first.
Keep things documented, stay firm in your stance, and follow through. If the manager keeps up his behavior afterwards, document and go back to HR for action. If they will not move to correct the behavior, then escalate. It may not be sexual harassment, but it seems to be on that path.
Well then you must not have seen much because is exactly flirtation.
In my current job of 14 years I’ve had four different managers, one man and the last three were/are ladies. Not once did any of them comment on my or my co-workers, including ladies, appearance.