# Opinions needed on situation with step-children and husband. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 12, 2011, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653 "2011-05-12T14:47:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Pedro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/919ad9/32.png) [@Pedro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pedro)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2011, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/21 "2011-05-12T20:13:49Z")
I think you are right and you were indeed ambushed by your husband. Screw the little brats, they don’t get to lecture you. The other woman is not your family. You thanked her, that’s all there is to it. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2011, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/22 "2011-05-12T20:37:57Z")
I don’t think you were in the wrong to throw the card away. I’m not a card keeper, either. But I do agree with those who think, once the girls told you point-blank that it hurt them to see it in the trash, you should simply apologize, explain that you don’t normally keep cards from anyone except your husband and kids (“family” is WAY too loaded term to use here) and that you’ll absolutely hang on to this one because it means so much to them. Not because it’s a gesture from their mother - but because it’s a gesture from them. They’re telling you that they think _you’re_ family by their reaction, and that’s a hell of a compliment from a teenage stepdaughter. Do you need to care about their mother? No, not really. But you care about them, so you do little things to show them you hear their upset and want to fix it. ---
**Author:** ![otternell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecc23a/32.png) [@otternell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/otternell)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2011, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/23 "2011-05-12T20:52:13Z")
> [@Pedro](#): > > I think you are right and you were indeed ambushed by your husband. Screw the little brats, they don’t get to lecture you. The other woman is not your family. You thanked her, that’s all there is to it. seconded. but I’m a card-tosser with all cards, unless its from my husband, and those make it to the garbage in my office, where he won’t see me chucking it. I am also trying my best to not be a piler, holding on to piles of crap I don’t actually need. ---
**Author:** ![Ladymarmalade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@Ladymarmalade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ladymarmalade)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2011, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/24 "2011-05-12T23:23:47Z")
\*\* I do try with that woman but she always screws me in some way.\*\* This, Flabbergasted, and now she’s managed to do it again without even being present. I think that crazy people don’t just grow on trees. There’s a whole messy interactive connection between badmom and her kids and her ex, your husband. Weren’t you suspicious when she sent you a mother’s day card in the first place? Considering the circumstances and outcome makes it look like that “nice” gesture had “set up” written all over it from the start. My best thought on it, do not engage. Do not play the mom vs. stepmom game whatsoever. Say, “uh huh,” in bored tone and go on about your business whenever it starts, with any of them. Meeting a brick wall kills the game. Alternately, tell all three of them to shut up or go back to her. 🙂 Just my humble opinion, natch. ---
**Author:** ![classyladyhp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b5ac83/32.png) [@classyladyhp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/classyladyhp)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2011, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/25 "2011-05-12T23:31:28Z")
> [@Pedro](#): > > I think you are right and you were indeed ambushed by your husband. Screw the little brats, they don’t get to lecture you. The other woman is not your family. You thanked her, that’s all there is to it. That’s exactly what I said. ---
**Author:** ![classyladyhp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b5ac83/32.png) [@classyladyhp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/classyladyhp)\ **Post date:** [May 12, 2011, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/26 "2011-05-12T23:33:36Z")
> [@Ladymarmalade](#): > > \*\* I do try with that woman but she always screws me in some way.\*\* > > This, Flabbergasted, and now she’s managed to do it again without even being present. I think that crazy people don’t just grow on trees. There’s a whole messy interactive connection between badmom and her kids and her ex, your husband. Weren’t you suspicious when she sent you a mother’s day card in the first place? Considering the circumstances and outcome makes it look like that “nice” gesture had “set up” written all over it from the start. > > My best thought on it, do not engage. Do not play the mom vs. stepmom game whatsoever. Say, “uh huh,” in bored tone and go on about your business whenever it starts, with any of them. Meeting a brick wall kills the game. > > Alternately, tell all three of them to shut up or go back to her. 🙂 > > Just my humble opinion, natch. Well said. I agree 100%. I think the mother had an ulterior motive for sending the card. Maybe she expected the OP not to thank her and then she would have complained about that to the kids. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2011, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/27 "2011-05-13T06:52:43Z")
> [@classyladyhp](#): > > Well said. I agree 100%. I think the mother had an ulterior motive for sending the card. Maybe she expected the OP not to thank her and then she would have complained about that to the kids. This is a shitty thing to say. First mom sent stepmom a Mother’s Day card thanking her for being good to her children. You’re really making a jump here that’s not supported by the OP. Whether she had an ulterior motive or not, you can’t just make an accusation like that without more to go on. ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2011, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/28 "2011-05-13T07:03:05Z")
You \*are \*making it about you. It’s about the girls. If it bothers them, address it. That card _was probably from them as much as it was from their mother_. Don’t try to “win” this one- you can’t. Your actions looked as though you were dismissing them (even if that wasn’t your intention). ---
**Author:** ![Capitaine\_Zombie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e95f7d/32.png) [@Capitaine\_Zombie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capitaine_Zombie)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2011, 7:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/29 "2011-05-13T07:11:02Z")
> [@classyladyhp](#): > > Well said. I agree 100%. I think the mother had an ulterior motive for sending the card. Maybe she expected the OP not to thank her and then she would have complained about that to the kids. Actually this feels like a classic case of projected malevolence. This, plus the totally irrelevant scorekeeping mentioned sounds like typical “story told from a myopic POV”. Whatever the truth, not picking back the card sounds pretty stupid. ---
**Author:** ![minlokwat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/minlokwat/32/2844_2.png) [@minlokwat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/minlokwat)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2011, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/30 "2011-05-13T10:54:58Z")
Kristin: So where is it? Jerry: What? Kristin: The card. Is this it in the trash? Jerry: No? Kristin: This is my card, you threw it away. Jerry: Well– Kristin: I put a lot of thought into this card. Jerry: You signed your name and you addressed the envelope, it’s not like you painted the picture and wrote the poem. Kristin: Fine. I gotta get back to the office. Jerry: Why, because I threw the card out? How long was I supposed to save it? Kristin: You have no sentimentality. Jerry: I have sentimentality, really, I’m sentimental. Here, look. Here’s some cards I’ve saved, these are birthday cards from my grandmother, see, I’m not a bad guy. Kristin: Oh, so you save her cards but not mine! Oh great! ---
**Author:** ![Ken001](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/43a26b/32.png) [@Ken001](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ken001)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2011, 11:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/31 "2011-05-13T11:16:21Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > … you can’t expect a teenaged girl who is dealing with mom vs. stepmom on mother’s day to be rational all the time. > > Kids are going to be sensitive to rejections of their parents by stepparents… > [@redtail23](#): > > Sometimes being right isn’t the issue. > > My advice would be to talk to the girls, and LISTEN to them. Let them tell you why they were so upset and agree that they had every right to be. Which they did - anyone has the right to whatever emotion they feel. Tell them that you weren’t thinking of things that way (“that way” being whatever their thinking was), but now you understand. Apologize for hurting their feelings and tell them that you didn’t mean to. I wouldn’t even try to explain your rationale, it’s not worth the battle. I echo the above advice. ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2011, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/32 "2011-05-13T12:34:07Z")
> [@Flabergasted](#): > > Thanks for your opinion. I really didn’t do it out of spite. Just really didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I know the girls want us to be friends but we will never be one big happy family. Even if their mother started being the mother she should be. Well, it _was_ a big deal to the girls. You should have apologized & put the card with the cards that you _do_ save. No, you may never be “one big happy family”–especially if you waste your energy criticizing the girls’ mother. Try harder yourself. You are an adult, aren’t you? How long have you been married? Do you really want it to last? You said things are “coming to a head.” Does your _husband_ want it to last? ---
**Author:** ![Ladymarmalade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@Ladymarmalade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ladymarmalade)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2011, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/33 "2011-05-13T12:49:51Z")
Absolutely not. The card is between the girls’ mother and the stepmother and was handled appropriately and with no ill will. Kids should not be allowed to get in between the adults and cause trouble. It is a terrible precedent to begin answering to them whenever they want to insert themselves and pit mom and/or dad against stepmom. Remember, this woman is already taking on mom’s kids, mom already causes trouble whenever she gets a chance and doesn’t hold up her end. Stepmom doesn’t owe these kids or the father any apologies whatseover and I would not play this game. There’s a **whole** lot more going on here than the card. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2011, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/34 "2011-05-13T13:23:19Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > By the way, al stuff about “everything I’ve done for their mother” is pointless, self-serving bean counting. These are kids you’re talking about. Respect their feelings about their mother, don’t try to point at the scoreboard. They know what the score is. Why make them feel bad if you don’t have to? I think you have some sublimated issues with the ex here. That’s what I was thinking. If the issue is that it’s “just a card” none of this other stuff should matter. But clearly it _does_ matter to you. I think you should swallow your pride, apologize for unintentionally being thoughtless, and try to move on past this. It sucks that all of this happened and I know you’re sad for being treated like a bad guy, but sometimes these things happened. Best to try to patch things up rather than stand your ground to the detriment of your relationships. ---
**Author:** ![classyladyhp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b5ac83/32.png) [@classyladyhp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/classyladyhp)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2011, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/35 "2011-05-13T23:37:53Z")
> [@Ladymarmalade](#): > > Absolutely not. The card is between the girls’ mother and the stepmother and was handled appropriately and with no ill will. > > Kids should not be allowed to get in between the adults and cause trouble. It is a terrible precedent to begin answering to them whenever they want to insert themselves and pit mom and/or dad against stepmom. > > **Remember, this woman is already taking on mom’s kids, mom already causes trouble whenever she gets a chance and doesn’t hold up her end**. > > Stepmom doesn’t owe these kids or the father any apologies whatseover and I would not play this game. There’s a **whole** lot more going on here than the card. Exactly. Why shouldn’t I assume that there was no ulterior motive to the card? Where is the OP anyway? ---
**Author:** ![classyladyhp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b5ac83/32.png) [@classyladyhp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/classyladyhp)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2011, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/36 "2011-05-13T23:39:09Z")
> [@Capitaine\_Zombie](#): > > Actually this feels like a classic case of projected malevolence. This, plus the totally irrelevant scorekeeping mentioned sounds like typical “story told from a myopic POV”. Whatever the truth, not picking back the card sounds pretty stupid. I really don’t need your preaching thanks:rolleyes: Nor do I need the psychoanalysis. ---
**Author:** ![classyladyhp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b5ac83/32.png) [@classyladyhp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/classyladyhp)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2011, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/37 "2011-05-13T23:40:16Z")
> [@needscoffee](#): > > This is a shitty thing to say. First mom sent stepmom a Mother’s Day card thanking her for being good to her children. You’re really making a jump here that’s not supported by the OP. Whether she had an ulterior motive or not, you can’t just make an accusation like that without more to go on. No it’s not. If you read the OP she mentions that the step-mom likes to cause problems. So there is a possibilty the card sending was not so innocent. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2011, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/38 "2011-05-13T23:59:40Z")
> [@classyladyhp](#): > > No it’s not. If you read the OP she mentions that the step-mom likes to cause problems. So there is a possibilty the card sending was not so innocent. So what? The problem that ensued had nothing to do with the mom. As a step-parent myself, a little empathy and patience is your best move. The girls were upset, and perhaps over reacted, but that’s ok. She’s the adult and be patient and kind to two kids in a difficult situation. It’s the classy thing to do. Now if the girls were often rude or argumentative, then that is something to deal with. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/39 "2011-05-14T00:10:03Z")
Cards have a lot more sentimental value and meaning to some people than to others. With that in mind, I think a good rule of thumb with regard to greeting cards is that you never publically throw them out. This doesn’t mean you have to keep them indefinitely, just that, if and when you do get rid of them, you don’t let anyone else catch you in the act, nor do you let them see the card itself in the trash. The same rule applies to any picture a child draws or paints for you or any gift or craft project they give you. ---
**Author:** ![surrounded\_by\_literalists](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8baadc/32.png) [@surrounded\_by\_literalists](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/surrounded_by_literalists)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 2:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/40 "2011-05-14T02:59:23Z")
Im like you, I don’t keep cards. Its not the cards that make me happy, the people who give them to me make me happy. If I throw away a person, then come talk to me. I have to say that I disagree with a number of the posters in that I DO think its all about you. It was YOUR Mother’s Day. It was YOUR card to do with as you wished. When your girls get cards, they can do with them as THEY wish. How they feel about cards and how you feel about cards DOES NOT have to be the same, and you shouldn’t have to change yourself and how you feel for them. As somebody who as spent years being the person who ALWAYS had to put others feelings and wishes first, let me tell you, it will only get worse. One of the things we all had to learn as teenagers, and still have to learn is that, other people do and feel things differently from us and we don’t get to get pissy with them about it. You told them you thought the card was a nice thought. Now they, AND ESPECIALLY YOUR HUSBAND, need to LISTEN TO THAT and not their own emotions about YOUR CARD. Your husband should always have your back. Taking sides **in front of the kids** is like dividing by zero. VERBOTEN! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653.md?page=3)