# Opinions needed on situation with step-children and husband. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 12, 2011, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653 "2011-05-12T14:47:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/41 "2011-05-14T03:07:51Z")
> [@surrounded\_by\_literalists](#): > > I have to say that I disagree with a number of the posters in that I DO think its all about you. It was YOUR Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day has never been mothers’ day, any more than Father’s Day is a day for fathers. It’s a day when your children bring you burnt toast in bed and you pretend to like it, when you’d rather they just let you sleep in for once. It’s a day for \*children \*to learn how to show appreciation to their parents. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/42 "2011-05-14T03:13:47Z")
> [@surrounded\_by\_literalists](#): > > I have to say that I disagree with a number of the posters in that I DO think its all about you. No. When there are children’s feelings involved, it’s never all about you. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/43 "2011-05-14T03:29:40Z")
> [@Ladymarmalade](#): > > \*\* > This, Flabbergasted, and now she’s managed to do it again without even being present. I think that crazy people don’t just grow on trees. There’s a whole messy interactive connection between badmom and her kids and her ex, your husband. Weren’t you suspicious when she sent you a mother’s day card in the first place? Considering the circumstances and outcome makes it look like that “nice” gesture had “set up” written all over it from the start. Am I the only one who thinks this advice sounds bizarre and paranoid? Like legitimately paranoid? I thought it was unnecessarily dripping with sarcasm until I got to the end and realized it was sincere. ---
**Author:** ![surrounded\_by\_literalists](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8baadc/32.png) [@surrounded\_by\_literalists](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/surrounded_by_literalists)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/44 "2011-05-14T03:34:44Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > No. When there are children’s feelings involved, it’s never all about you. These are teenagers. Its our job to teach them that others have feelings too. An example in healthy boundries is a great place to start. She did not do something to hurt these girls. They are hurting themselves with their opinions of her actions. Children feelings are to be respected, and we as parents are to teach them to respect ours. ---
**Author:** ![Ladymarmalade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@Ladymarmalade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ladymarmalade)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/45 "2011-05-14T03:35:27Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > Am I the only one who thinks this advice sounds bizarre and paranoid? Like legitimately paranoid? I thought it was unnecessarily dripping with sarcasm until I got to the end and realized it was sincere. You can just add your own response to the OP without trying to start a group personal attack on mine. That’s what I’d call bizarre and legitimately paranoid. Or just ill-mannered, anonymously. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/46 "2011-05-14T04:01:17Z")
> [@surrounded\_by\_literalists](#): > > These are teenagers. Its our job to teach them that others have feelings too. They didn’t hurt her feelings, she hurt theirs. Our first job is not to treat our children’s feelings like shit. Whining about how you think they should feel about that is not parenting, it’s just childish. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/47 "2011-05-14T04:03:16Z")
> [@Ladymarmalade](#): > > You can just add your own response to the OP without trying to start a group personal attack on mine. That’s what I’d call bizarre and legitimately paranoid. Or just ill-mannered, anonymously. I agree with **Fuzzy**. Your post showed a bizarre amount of projection and irrational suspicion. ---
**Author:** ![Ladymarmalade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@Ladymarmalade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ladymarmalade)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 4:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/48 "2011-05-14T04:26:02Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I agree with **Fuzzy**. Your post showed a bizarre amount of projection and irrational suspicion. ROFL! Thank you for the message board psychoanalysis. How much do I owe you? _You’re not laughing at me, are you? Are you… are you under my couch?_ ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/49 "2011-05-14T04:44:22Z")
> [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](#): > > Am I the only one who thinks this advice sounds bizarre and paranoid? Like legitimately paranoid? I thought it was unnecessarily dripping with sarcasm until I got to the end and realized it was sincere. I’m with you and **Dio**. Seeing a card as a set up for a personal attack does seem very paranoid. ---
**Author:** ![Ladymarmalade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@Ladymarmalade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ladymarmalade)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/50 "2011-05-14T04:47:01Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > I’m with you and **Dio**. Seeing a card as a set up for a personal attack does seem very paranoid. And your PhD in Psychology is certainly coming in handy too, as usual, um, Freudian Slit. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Pedro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/919ad9/32.png) [@Pedro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pedro)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/51 "2011-05-14T04:52:18Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > I’m with you and **Dio**. Seeing a card as a set up for a personal attack does seem very paranoid. I agree. There is no basis in fact to claim it was some kind of nefarious scheme. ---
**Author:** ![Ladymarmalade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@Ladymarmalade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ladymarmalade)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/52 "2011-05-14T04:53:06Z")
Anyway, OP, any updates, for those of us who have read and are responding to your posts? ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/53 "2011-05-14T07:20:07Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Cards have a lot more sentimental value and meaning to some people than to others. And teenaged girls have a tendency to sentimentalize items beyond what’s reasonable. Greeting cards, stuffed animals, everything given to them by anybody they have even a passing romantic interest in (until that person hurts them, then they must rid themselves of all evidence immediately), and any and all intentional keepsakes, like prom glasses. However, it is not necessarily in anyone’s best interest to let them foist their sentimentality. Getting all bent out of shape because someone didn’t keep something from a third party? That’s the worst of silly teenaged sentimentality on hyperdrive. > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > They didn’t hurt her feelings, she hurt theirs. Sometimes feelings get hurt. That doesn’t always mean that what the person who “hurt” them did was wrong. Especially in parent-child interactions. Teenagers are well old enough to learn that they can’t force other people to feel the same way that they feel, or attach the same importance to things that they do, and that other people are entitled to their own attachments, priorities and responses to objects and events. This was a greeting card. Not a gift, not a handwritten letter. It was a nice gesture, but not one that needs to rise to the level of “keep this forever as though it is a treasured thing.” And most importantly it was given to the OP, so the only person who need have any say on what the OP does with it is the OP. “It was a very nice card and I appreciated that she sent it. I read it and looked at the picture. I don’t feel a need to keep it.” It’s really that simple. ---
**Author:** ![classyladyhp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b5ac83/32.png) [@classyladyhp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/classyladyhp)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 11:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/54 "2011-05-14T11:17:52Z")
> [@Ladymarmalade](#): > > ROFL! Thank you for the message board psychoanalysis. How much do I owe you? > > _You’re not laughing at me, are you? Are you… are you under my couch?_ Well real psychologists probably make 150.00/hr. So you owe him 2.75:D For goodness sakes it was a card. The OP thanked the lady. What else was she supposed to do? Laminate it? Give the woman a vial of her blood? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/55 "2011-05-14T11:48:13Z")
She wasn’t supposed to do anything except say to her step-daughters "I’m sorry, I didn’t realize my keeping it was important to you. Here let me get it. " That’s it. No kowtowing to her “overly dramatic” daughters, no “being manipulated” etc. Just a simple recognition of another person’s state of mind. This isn’t just blended parenting, just simple human relations. It model respect and appropriate responses and makes her step-children know that they are listened to, on what must be a difficult day. The hyperbole is very odd to me. ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/56 "2011-05-14T15:30:54Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > She wasn’t supposed to do anything except say to her step-daughters "I’m sorry, I didn’t realize my keeping it was important to you. Here let me get it. " > > That’s it. No kowtowing to her “overly dramatic” daughters, no “being manipulated” etc. Just a simple recognition of another person’s state of mind. That’s not just recognizing their state of mind, but acquiescing to their demand that she hold a greeting card in perpetual sentimental esteem when she doesn’t wish to. That the card was important to _them_ has been established. That still doesn’t obligate her to feel the same way, to fish it from the trash or keep it, ostensibly with the cards from her husband and children whom she _loves_. And with that I just pinged on why this is a problem. The girls love their mother. They think that because there isn’t obvious friction between the adult parties (that plays out in front of them, at least) that the OP should love their mother too. But again, I come back to the fact that they’re teenagers and old enough to start learning big lessons about how the world works, and how to not be so myopic and self-entitled. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/57 "2011-05-14T15:35:05Z")
It’s not either or though. She could have retrieved the card, displayed it until the weekend or some other compromised date and then disposed of it. Teens need to learn the world doesn’t revolve around them, but they also need to learn that adults consider each others’ feelings important and make compromises to keep family harmony, too. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2011, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/58 "2011-05-14T16:16:48Z")
> [@tumbleddown](#): > > That’s not just recognizing their state of mind, but acquiescing to their demand that she hold a greeting card in perpetual sentimental esteem when she doesn’t wish to. No, it’s just being able to recognize that she hurt the chilkdren’s feelings. Viewing the children as some kind of adversaries making “demands” is bizarre and immature. ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2011, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653/59 "2011-05-15T04:51:49Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > No, it’s just being able to recognize that she hurt the chilkdren’s feelings. Viewing the children as some kind of adversaries making “demands” is bizarre and immature. And these hurt “children” are growing up, and need to learn that hurt feelings don’t automatically necessitate that someone else act upon their wishes. A card was thrown away, it’s not like the OP gave back a gift or took their puppy to the pound. It’s a greeting card that was _not given to them_. This only became “about” them because they threw temper tantrums because the OP disposed of her own property. _That_ is perhaps not “bizarre” but is definitely immature, and not behavior that should be rewarded by doing what _they_ think is correct. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/opinions-needed-on-situation-with-step-children-and-husband/581653.md?page=2)