# Optimal Age Spacing For Children - Children's Viewpoint **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 17, 2011, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979 "2011-01-17T19:32:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 12:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979/21 "2011-01-20T12:07:26Z")
I was an only child for 49 weeks. The first eight of us were born in 9 1/2 years. I have no children, and only five nieces and nephews. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2011, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979/22 "2011-01-20T22:11:31Z")
> [@Sue\_Duhnym](#): > > According to my child, ten years is very much NOT optimal. Although, to be fair, anything that doesn’t have her as an only child again will never be optimal. Yeah, that’s something I strongly suspect about a lot of oldests: they’re just pissed that they didn’t get to be onlies. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979/23 "2011-01-21T01:48:21Z")
Difference between 10 years apart and 2-6 years apart is that 10 years is a helluva long time to be an only child. When I was 3, I actually picked my little brother’s name out, I wanted a brother (not a sister - even then I didn’t want competition!) and so on. When my SO’s mom announced she wanted to adopt when he was 9, he was dead set against it. Cause 9 years is enough time to realize being an only means all the attention and money! ---
**Author:** ![anu-la1979](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/47e85d/32.png) [@anu-la1979](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anu-la1979)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979/24 "2011-01-21T03:11:02Z")
My sister and I are 20 months apart, both unexpected after several years of infertility for my parents. I have never known a time when she wasn’t “there” or the experience of having a sibling far apart from me in age. I love everything about having a sibling close in age to me, especially the fact that there isn’t a wide cultural gap. Perhaps it increases the sibling rivalry when you’re younger, but we’ve gotten over it. Plus, my mother and father were very cognizant of that and I have no complaints about either one of us being treated unequally. We also had the added benefit of maturing etc. at about the same rate. She’s my best friend. I guess we’re fortunate in that my parents could financially afford to have two kids in college, braces, extra-curriculars always at the same time etc… Honestly, I don’t know if the spacing has anything to do with our good relationship as siblings and our strong relationship to our parents. It probably has way more to do with my mom and dad’s focus on equal parenting, very deep interest in fostering the relationship (we’re semi-estranged from most of our bio relatives and only really have each other) and that everyone is mentally stable more than anything else. My father is closest to his youngest sibling and my mom is closest to the one most close in age to her-but they both come from a) huge families with allies/rivalries b) have insane crazy families, especially sociopathic siblings that have done things like steal money/assets from them when their first kid died etc. (hence the estrangement). ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979/25 "2011-01-21T04:05:10Z")
> [@anu-la1979](#): > > I guess we’re fortunate in that my parents could financially afford to have two kids in college, braces, extra-curriculars always at the same time etc.. Honestly, I don’t know if the spacing has anything to do with our good relationship as siblings and our strong relationship to our parents. It probably has way more to do with my mom and dad’s focus on equal parenting, very deep interest in fostering the relationship (we’re semi-estranged from most of our bio relatives and only really have each other) and that everyone is mentally stable more than anything else. My father is closest to his youngest sibling and my mom is closest to the one most close in age to her-but they both come from a) huge families with allies/rivalries b) have insane crazy families, especially sociopathic siblings that have done things like steal money/assets from them when their first kid died etc. (hence the estrangement). Heh…I came in to say something similar to this. I’ve heard a lot of people, at least one in this thread, quantify their relationship with a much older/younger sibling as “more like aunt and niece” or “more like friends than siblings.” What? As long as you do get along, why should it matter **how** you get along? I’ve hesitated to post in this thread because I know a lot of you have heard it from me before. But for those who haven’t, yes, I admit I am **extremely** sensitive to “gap baby” issues. But I feel compelled to speak up, because so few people are aware of how that kid feels. He’s always being disregarded because he’s not quite this and not quite that. He’s not really a sibling. His grandparents are too old and cranky now, if they’re even still around. Everyone has a reason why they can’t be bothered with him. And even on the rare occasions when an older sibling has it in them to be kind, as soon as their focus changes, they’ll forget Junior and that’s that. And of course, no one means to be unkind; it’s just the way it is. Except, the hurt is real, whether it was intentionally inflicted or not. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979/26 "2011-01-21T14:03:52Z")
Interesting point of view, **Rilchiam**. I’m more concerned with the opposite in my family - the elder gets ignored a lot now that the younger (they’re 18 and 5, respectively) is so cute and charming and, at least early in her life, required a lot of medical attention. It was easy to let him develop independence when she’s of an age to require so much supervision, but I do hope he doesn’t feel like we’ve ignored him in favor of the “baby”. ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979/27 "2011-01-21T14:29:56Z")
I’m the younger by 2 1/2 years. I think it worked out well for us, as we lived in a very rural area when we were little, so really had to be able to play together. Also, due to him being male and me being not, I was a reasonable age to be able to hang round with his friends without anyone getting too embarrassed… And my friends thought he was cool, most of the time 🙂 I know the gap was demi-planned (according to my mother I was an accident with excellent timing- they decided to try for a baby then discovered she was already about 2 weeks pregnant), probably largely because my dad had a 10-year gap between him and his older brother, and they’ve never been at all close. He was a lot closer to his nieces (8 and 9 years younger that him) than he ever was to his brother (that side of the family has weird generational issues- my uncle is a great-grandfather of three, but his youngest kid is only just 20). Mum has a sister 4 years older, and they weren’t very close as kids, though they’re best friends now, she always told me she wanted a much smaller gap for her kids. ---
**Author:** ![auRa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c4cdca/32.png) [@auRa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auRa)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979/28 "2011-01-22T12:57:40Z")
I’m the eldest of 5; we’re about 3-3,5 years apart. I’m slightly under 14 years older than my youngest brother. As a result, I sometimes feel that our relationship isn’t really an older sister/younger brother relationship, more like aunt/nephew or babysitter/babysittee. I was driving him to daycare and the doctor’s. On the other hand, the elder 3 I can still relate to. It was nice for my mother to have to deal with only one kid in diapers at a time, and it was nice for me that when brother #3 rolled along, brothers 1 and 2 could already talk and play and…you know, interact with me. > [@lindsaybluth](#): > > I was a built in babysitter when I reached high school on weekend nights. That was nice for my parents. Nice for my parents, sure. Sucked completely for me. We didn’t have a babysitter after I turned maybe 14 or 15. “We’re going away for the weekend now, take care of your brothers, we left money next to the fridge.” Thank you Mom and Dad, of course I’d rather change my youngest brother’s diapers and read bedtime stories and make sure teeth are brushed and the fighting doesn’t get out of control than actually go out to see my friends, go to a movie, hang out, and generally have a life of my own which doesn’t involve caring for children which aren’t even mine. ---
**Author:** ![auRa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c4cdca/32.png) [@auRa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auRa)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979/29 "2011-01-22T13:09:00Z")
Edit window closed up. **Rilchiam** : > [@](#): > > What? As long as you do get along, why should it matter **how** you get along? I guess it’s just that you expect to get along differently with someone who’s related to you in a different way and it can feel somehow weird or abnormal to not have that sort of relationship. I really don’t have anything in common with my youngest little brother that would foster a sense of siblingry; all my interaction with him has been on a “this is a child, now take care of him” level. I mean, there is a feeling of “this is my brother” that I get from my three older little brothers that I just don’t get in the same way from my youngest brother because he hasn’t _been_ a brother to me in the same way: I haven’t played with him, fought with him, had to share my toys with him, made silly faces over the dinner table with him. Instead, I’ve changed his diapers, fed him mushy peas, and dressed him warmly and taken him to daycare - as if he were my son…but he’s not. So there’s not even that connection. There’s _a_ connection, it’s just not at all the same as with my other siblings. And sure, it’s better that we have that connection that not get along at all, but sometimes you just can’t help but feel strange about the whole thing. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979/30 "2011-01-22T19:45:34Z")
Okay, your parents shouldn’t have asked that of you. And I’m sorry to hear that they did. What about your other siblings, though – do they like him? ---
**Author:** ![auRa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c4cdca/32.png) [@auRa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auRa)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979/31 "2011-01-22T23:14:30Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > Okay, your parents shouldn’t have asked that of you. And I’m sorry to hear that they did. What about your other siblings, though – do they like him? Well, they certainly have more of a sibling relationship with him because they’re closer in age. I mean, what kid doesn’t hate their bratty little brothers or sisters sometimes? But yeah, for the most part we’re all pretty close as a family. And it’s not like I don’t _like_ my brother, I do, very much so - but I just don’t connect with him like a sister and brother all the time. Now that I’m not living at home anymore and my brothers are growing up and becoming more independent, they’re starting to become more “equal” in my mind. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979/32 "2011-01-22T23:23:09Z")
I wonder if I can pull this off. I’m in L.A., so there are plenty of struggling actors, and many of them take gigs like birthday parties. I’d like to hire an actor and actress close to my age (I would either be the middle or the oldest) who are also good at ad-libbing, to play my brother and sister. We’d rehearse for a bit, then spend a day and an evening talking as if we’d grown up together. I might even claim “video project” and introduce them to my friends. For once, instead of being on the outside listening to people talk about good times that did not include me, I’d be talking with “siblings” about good times we’d shared. And when the bad times came up, I wouldn’t have to endure pointed remarks about how my birth (and infancy (and toddlerhood)) was that extra stressor that no one needed. Instead, we’d be talking about how we helped each other through the bad times, and how thankful we all are that we all have each other. And for once, someone would say “Rilchie is my sister” without any disclaimers or explanations about how strange it is. Just, “My sister, Rilchie.” I wonder if union scale plus meals would be enough. Unfortunately, no credit, but it would only be a one-day gig. ---
**Author:** ![Omega\_Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7c8e57/32.png) [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979/33 "2011-01-23T00:51:04Z")
> [@auRa](#): > > Edit window closed up. > > I guess it’s just that you expect to get along differently with someone who’s related to you in a different way and it can feel somehow weird or abnormal to not have that sort of relationship. This is true. The idea of siblings conjures up certain images of shared childhood memories, picking on one another, getting in trouble together, etc. that won’t be there if there’s a large gap in ages. I mentioned in a similar thread that while my sister and I obviously had the same parents, they changed a lot in a decade. I had the younger, healthier, more high strung, less well off, panicky version of our parents, while she has/had the more well off, laid back, older version, and our mother was unfortunately considerable less healthy to the point that she died during my sister’s teen years. It’s like growing up in two different homes. > [@Rilchiam](#): > > And when the bad times came up, I wouldn’t have to endure pointed remarks about how my birth (and infancy (and toddlerhood)) was that extra stressor that no one needed. This sounds like the problem is less about you being much younger, and more about your sibling(s) being jerks. Sorry you had to put up with things like that. ---
**Author:** ![kushiel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbce88/32.png) [@kushiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kushiel)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979/34 "2011-01-23T01:09:04Z")
Today my Tip of the Day was ‘Don’t stand in the fire!’. Never seen that tip before, should’ve been in the rotation much earlier! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![kushiel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbce88/32.png) [@kushiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kushiel)\ **Post date:** [January 23, 2011, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979/35 "2011-01-23T01:45:10Z")
Why no, this wasn’t the wrong thread at all. /heads for the Game Room [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/optimal-age-spacing-for-children-childrens-viewpoint/567979.md?page=1)