# "Other" Women - Stop it, stop it, STOP IT! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 17, 2005, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/other-women-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it/304181 "2005-05-17T02:12:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2005, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/other-women-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it/304181/61 "2005-05-17T19:52:34Z")
He didn’t say that **Guin** , he said that if she’s overweight she probably doesn’t have many men chasing after her, and that’s true. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2005, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/other-women-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it/304181/62 "2005-05-17T19:55:27Z")
> [@Excalibre](#): > > I’m not saying it’s fine for a dude to leave his wife because she turns forty. I just think there’s also some responsibility to keep yourself together. My thoughts, exactly. Acknowledging that being fat can make you unattractive does not, in my mind, equal intolerance or having “a problem with fat people.” Excessive flab is neither healthy nor attractive, and I quite frankly don’t understand how anyone could want to screw, say, a Starr Jones or a Chris Farley (RIP). Hell, I barely understand how anyone wants to screw _me_ (but I thank og that they do!). 😉 > [@Guinastasia](#): > > No, **Slyfrog** , one who doesn’t automatically say, “Oh, she’s a fatty-then no guy’s going to want her.” That’s insulting to women AND men. EVERYONE has a different idea of what is attractive. What one person finds totally hot, another person is repulsed by. But that’s not what he said. He said that if she’s in her 20s and overweight, “it’s not like she’s got a whole myriad of men to choose from.” Which is absolutely NOT the same thing as saying that “no guy’s going to want her.” **SHAKES** may not have put it as tactfully as he could have, but it remains that what he said is true; I don’t see how saying it makes him someone to be avoided. (Or, on preview, what **FinnAgain** just said… 😛 ) ---
**Author:** ![ZipperJJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zipperjj/32/211_2.png) [@ZipperJJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZipperJJ)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2005, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/other-women-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it/304181/63 "2005-05-17T20:04:04Z")
> [@](#): > > Now see, that’s just it. Right now, you don’t need to get yourself into anything serious and/or meaningful. You need to learn to be happy just by yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to turn into a hermit, just that you aren’t really ready for a relationship right now. I dunno Guin, do I? I haven’t been in a relationship for a while. I’ve only had two serious relationships in my life. I’ve spent mounds of tme alone and in my OP I hoped to assert that I _DO_ love myself. I think I’m pretty awesome. And the whole rant was based on the idea that _I_ think I’m awesome - why doesn’t anyone else? I think I get just as worked up about being lonely as I do about being dumped, cheated on, passed over or lied to. I’m not trying to be a doormat and kind of resent everyone pointing out that I am. I don’t let guys get away with whatever they want. A relationship is a TEAM effort. I can’t always have my way - and I don’t always give in to what guys make me do. I have learned to stick up for myself but I’d rather be able just to vent and express my feelings (here and with the guys) than to get up in some guy’s face and tell him what a fucktard he is and make demands. That’s not my style. I don’t want to push other people or make other people upset or intentionally hurt others. Unfortunately, according to my data set, other people don’t really think as hard about not hurting me as I think about not hurting them. Do I “let” them? No, i TRUST them NOT to. c’est le vie. back to the floor go i 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2005, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/other-women-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it/304181/64 "2005-05-17T20:08:13Z")
Show of hands - how many people don’t want to turn this into another fat thread? Okay, great, passed unanimously. (Was that Junior Modding? Sorry if it was - I’m just so sick of every thread with the word “fat” in it turning into those 12 page trainwrecks.) **Zipper** , you’re in your early twenties. I remember in my twenties that I changed a whole bunch from 20 to 30 - I wouldn’t look twice now at the losers I dated in my twenties. I learned a lot about myself and life in my twenties; I’ve learned a lot more in my thirties, and I expect my forties to be fantastic. ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2005, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/other-women-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it/304181/65 "2005-05-17T20:22:29Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > I dunno Guin, do I? No, no, and emphaticaly, no! People who try to ‘get into a serious relationship’ almost always end up shoehorning some loser into the position. Work on being happy when you’re alone, and then just work on having fun with whatever guys are interested. Like the song says “you can’t go forcing something if it’s just not right.” > [@ZipperJJ](#): > > I’ve only had two serious relationships in my life. How old are you? If you’re in your early to mid twenties, I’d say that you’re pretty much right on schedule. > [@ZipperJJ](#): > > I’ve spent mounds of tme alone and in my OP I hoped to assert that I _DO_ love myself. I think I’m pretty awesome. And the whole rant was based on the idea that _I_ think I’m awesome - why doesn’t anyone else? Honest answer, and no offense meant? From reading your OP and subsequent comments, it sounds like you’re trying too hard. That and you don’t stick up for yourself. And you’re also looking for the _wrong type of man._ Contrary to what you might want to believe, we are not unique fixer uppers. If you find a man who has serious issues, you dump him or just don’t date him. You don’t invest years so you can ‘renovate him’. (Cuz if you do, he’ll probably end up ‘on the market again’ anyways) I’d wager that many more men would respect a woman who knows what she wants and asks for it rather than a doormat. > [@ZipperJJ](#): > > I think I get just as worked up about being lonely as I do about being dumped, cheated on, passed over or lied to. First, you’ve got to be comfortable being alone. If you’re not, you **will** be broadcasting _Desperation Waves_. A sure turn off. Second, I don’t know if you get worked up **enough** about that other stuff. From your OP, it sounds like you’ve had guys cheat on you, and still fought to get them back! Insteading of having some pride and kicking them to the curb, you put up a big sign that says “doormat here, will accept anybody male.” > [@ZipperJJ](#): > > I’m not trying to be a doormat and kind of resent everyone pointing out that I am. You can resent it, but from what you’ve said in this thread, that’s the vibe you’re giving off. > [@ZipperJJ](#): > > I don’t let guys get away with whatever they want. A relationship is a TEAM effort. I can’t always have my way - and I don’t always give in to what guys make me do. Well, you told us about at least one guy for whom you were a doormat. Didn’t ask him to do anything, didn’t make clear your wants and needs, etc… I think that for another you were talking about how even after he’d cheated on you, you still wanted him, and was willing to fight for him. If fighting for the right to have a man take advantage and abuse your trust some more isn’t doormat behavior, I don’t know what is. > [@ZipperJJ](#): > > I have learned to stick up for myself but I’d rather be able just to vent and express my feelings (here and with the guys) than to get up in some guy’s face and tell him what a fucktard he is and make demands. A) If he’s a fucktard… **why are you dating him!?!?!?** B) If you don’t ‘make demands’, that is, if you don’t lay down the law and say what you need, you aint gonna get it. In that case, you have nobody to blame but yourself. Set your boundaries, communicate them, and don’t let anybody take advantage of you twice. > [@ZipperJJ](#): > > That’s not my style. I don’t want to push other people or make other people upset or intentionally hurt others. That’s sometimes part of relationships. We all have limits, we all have boundaries, we all have things that we need, and things that’ll drive us nuts. We can either communicate these things, and ditch a partner if they’re not a good match, or hang on to a shitty relationship just because the alternative is to be alone. > [@ZipperJJ](#): > > Unfortunately, according to my data set, other people don’t really think as hard about not hurting me as I think about not hurting them. Do I “let” them? No, i TRUST them NOT to. You’re choosing the **wrong guys**. If, for instance, you know that a guy thinks that _all women_ are bad, that means _he has a problem with women._ **Don’t date him!** ---
**Author:** ![Ink\_a\_dink\_a\_dink](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ec9cab/32.png) [@Ink\_a\_dink\_a\_dink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ink_a_dink_a_dink)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2005, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/other-women-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it/304181/66 "2005-05-17T20:28:44Z")
> [@featherlou](#): > > **Zipper** , you’re in your early twenties. I remember in my twenties that I changed a whole bunch from 20 to 30 - I wouldn’t look twice now at the losers I dated in my twenties. I learned a lot about myself and life in my twenties; I’ve learned a lot more in my thirties, and I expect my forties to be fantastic. Good god, can I second this with a show of both hands? If I ended up with some of the men I was with in my twenties, my life would be vastly different, and, likely, vastly more unhappy. Although there were those bright and shining few who proved that there are some incredible men out there, and to wait and find the one who is just right - for you. Speaking of those shining examples, they were so awesome, I am still friends with most of them. We just found we had some things that weren’t ultimately compatible - didn’t make him a bad fellow or me a bad gal, just meant that together, we were not a good couple. This is not a terrible lesson to learn. And as i grow older, I realize that I don’t need a man to make me complete. The fact that I am in a relationship with someone who recognizes all my dualities and my idiosyncrasies, my paranoia’s, my depressions, my obsessions and all the other crap that makes me the charming individual that I am _ahem_cough_ahem_, this is just icing on the cake. But it’s icing. The cake is all mine. And I’m still learning at 36. Respectfully, Inky ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2005, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/other-women-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it/304181/67 "2005-05-17T21:49:04Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > Wasted my time. Not at all, or at least it doesn’t have to be that way. Take it as a learning opportunity. Take it as life telling you what **not** to do, and move forward. Otherwise, if you don’t learn anything from it, if you stubbornly continue to blame everybody else, if you don’t take responsibility for your own life, then there’s no reason to think you won’t make the same mistakes all over again — and the only person wasting your time is you. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2005, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/other-women-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it/304181/68 "2005-05-18T05:05:09Z")
Ooh, that’s an excellent point. With great responsibility comes great power (that sounds vaguely familiar 😉 ) ; if you give all the responsibility away, you also give all the power away. ---
**Author:** ![Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boo_Boo_Foo)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2005, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/other-women-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it/304181/69 "2005-05-18T05:13:50Z")
In my experience, people are sent to us by fate for either a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When we’re younger, we’re oddly attracted to people who have qualities which we initially find very attractive, and then, as time passes, those same qualities become very unattractive. It’s odd, but very true. These are the people who are sent to us for a “reason”. Then we evolve and hook up with people for a season. We’re getting close by that stage. Ultimately, when we become centred, and balanced (in an emotionally healthy way) then that’s when we’re ready to hook up with the right person for a lifetime. What’s really important to note here is that rarely are any of us ready to do this when we’re in our early twenties. It happens sometimes, but it’s rare. Almost all of us have issues to deal with before we can learn to love ourselves. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2005, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/other-women-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it/304181/70 "2005-05-18T07:44:52Z")
> [@FinnAgain](#): > > He didn’t say that **Guin** , he said that if she’s overweight she probably doesn’t have many men chasing after her, and that’s true. Shh, guys, she just wants **ZipperJJ** to avoid me because she wants me for herself. 😉 \<------ That there is my sexy wink. Not the normal wink… Seriously though, I think **ZipperJJ** , seems like a nice enough girl to me. And I’m sure other guys IRL could see that too. Unfortunately before they can see what a nice girl she is; they first have to see past the whole “looks” thing. I realize this is fucked up, but I think it’s safe to say this is typical. (Key word here being _typical_ as opposed to _always_) I will say this though; **Guin’s** right, I _should_ be avoided, at any and all costs. But you ladies know you wont, you know you can’t stay away from the **SHAKES** -man. Oh yeah, that’s right baby, I’m three kinds of _nasty_😛 ---
**Author:** ![jlzania](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/67e7ee/32.png) [@jlzania](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jlzania)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2005, 12:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/other-women-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it/304181/71 "2005-05-18T12:32:57Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > I’m not trying to be a doormat and kind of resent everyone pointing out that I am. I don’t let guys get away with whatever they want. A relationship is a TEAM effort. I can’t always have my way - and I don’t always give in to what guys make me do. I have learned to stick up for myself but I’d rather be able just to vent and express my feelings (here and with the guys) than to get up in some guy’s face and tell him what a fucktard he is and make demands. That’s not my style. I don’t want to push other people or make other people upset or intentionally hurt others. > > Unfortunately, according to my data set, other people don’t really think as hard about not hurting me as I think about not hurting them. Do I “let” them? No, i TRUST them NOT to. > > c’est le vie. back to the floor go i 😉 It’s not about telling someone that they’re a 'fucktard ’ or making unreasonable demands, **ZipperJJ**. For me, at least, it’s about having basic expections about what a relationship between two people should be. When I was still carrying tons of personal baggage about myself, I had two major problems that almost guaranteed my relationships would fail. Weight was never an issue for me but, because I was a never a perfect Barbie kind of woman, I assumed that I didn’t deserve much. And I was under the impression that a man, any man, was better than being alone. I won’t bore you with the details of my many failed relationships but I will share one example. I had just started dating a guy when he’ asked me to go to dinner on a Sunday night. The agreed upon time rolled around but he didn’t show up. I waited and waited, getting angrier and hungier but no guy and no phone call. Finally, I boo hooed myself to sleep-feeling like a complete failure. He did call the next day to offer a weak apology. He’d been watching a game with his friends, had a few too many beers, and decided to blow me off. Now, if he’d called me that afternoon and explained the situation, I might have been a little miffed but I would have understood and made alternate plans for the evening. But he just couldn’t be bothered-I wasn’t important enough to interrupt his fun-even for a five minute phone call. Had the same scenerio occurred today-I’d have told him to take the proverbial flying fuck. We had no history together and I wouldn’t continue see someone who had so little consideration for my feelings. However, at that time, I was willing to lay down and take it because I was convinced that it was better to be with a self-absorbed jerk than be by myself. And of course, he stood me up again because I had established the pattern that it was acceptable behavior. I have the same expections of my husband after 25 years that I had when I first met him. I expect him to respect me and not to denigrate me in public or private. I expect him to consider my feelings and needs when making a decison that will affect both of us. I expect him to listen to me when we disagree on a subject-that doesn’t mean he has to come around to my POV but it does mean he should at least consider my perspective. I expect him to prefer my company and spend much of his free time with me-we’re not joined at the hip by any means and we both do things alone or with other people but I shouldn’t have to beg for his attention. And most of all, I expect him to treat me as he would like to be treated-with kindness and compassion. I don’t think that any of the above constitiutes any unreasonable ‘demand’-do you? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/other-women-stop-it-stop-it-stop-it/304181.md?page=3)