# Others' reactions to one's rape **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 10, 2006, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/others-reactions-to-ones-rape/368165 "2006-08-10T15:53:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![cowgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@cowgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cowgirl)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2006, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/others-reactions-to-ones-rape/368165/21 "2006-08-16T16:51:43Z")
[QUOTE=Sunrazor] One of the worst travesties against rape victims is the refusal of most mainstream media to even use the word. Folks, “sexual assault” is NOT an appropriate euphemism for rape. [/QUOTE] At risk of trivializing such a serious topic by making it a subject of academic discussion … I disagree. I much prefer the term “sexual assault.” As I understand it, “rape” as defined legally in the US, requires penetration. Therefore, horrendous sexual assaults that don’t involve vaginal penetration are NOT considered rape. And rape trials (again, as I understand it) can get bogged down in details about what exactly happened - even if everyone acknowledges that he hit her and groped her and made her do other unspeakable things, she would have to prove that he _penetrated_ her in order to demonstrate that he raped her. Sexual assault is much more loosely defined, as it should be. It can be every bit as bad without penetration as it is with penetration. Please, someone correct me if I’m wrong on my interpretation. ---
**Author:** ![Sunrazor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sunrazor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunrazor)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2006, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/others-reactions-to-ones-rape/368165/22 "2006-08-16T16:59:19Z")
Well, actually, I hadn’t thought of that before. Hmmm … you’re really going to make me think this one over, aren’t you? I hate when that happens! ---
**Author:** ![Mouse\_Maven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@Mouse\_Maven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mouse_Maven)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2006, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/others-reactions-to-ones-rape/368165/23 "2006-08-16T16:59:53Z")
[QUOTE=cowgirl] At risk of trivializing such a serious topic by making it a subject of academic discussion … I disagree. I much prefer the term “sexual assault.” As I understand it, “rape” as defined legally in the US, requires penetration. Therefore, horrendous sexual assaults that don’t involve vaginal penetration are NOT considered rape. And rape trials (again, as I understand it) can get bogged down in details about what exactly happened - even if everyone acknowledges that he hit her and groped her and made her do other unspeakable things, she would have to prove that he _penetrated_ her in order to demonstrate that he raped her. Sexual assault is much more loosely defined, as it should be. It can be every bit as bad without penetration as it is with penetration. Please, someone correct me if I’m wrong on my interpretation. [/QUOTE] I agree with **cowgirl**. “Sexual Assault” covers a lot more territory than “rape.” Many children are sexually abused by groping or oral sex (sorry, I’m at work, so no cites.) In my case, I was raped by a relative. He got his kicks out of beating the crap out of me then having me “service” him. This could have been vaginal penetration or oral sex. The legal definition of rape does not cover all of the situation, sexual assault does. (Sorry for the TMI) ---
**Author:** ![Elenfair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cc9497/32.png) [@Elenfair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elenfair)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2006, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/others-reactions-to-ones-rape/368165/24 "2006-08-16T18:23:03Z")
[QUOTE=Sunrazor] Well, actually, I hadn’t thought of that before. Hmmm … you’re really going to make me think this one over, aren’t you? I hate when that happens! [/QUOTE] Cowgirl is right. There’s a legal distinction between rape and sexual assault. From Wikipedia: [Quote=Wikipedia] Sexual assault is any undesired physical contact of a sexual nature perpetrated against another person. While associated with rape, sexual assault is much broader and the specifics may vary according to social, political or legal definition. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, sexual assault includes “inappropriate touching, vaginal, anal, or oral penetration, sexual intercourse that [one says] no to, rape, attempted rape, [and] child molestation.” [/QUOTE] But I agree with your newsroom dude on one point: rape is rape. If some fuckwit raped a 10 year old girl, then that’s what happened. Sexual Assault is so broad it could mean anything, and in some ways, it sugar coats what happened. That said, there may also be some privacy issues at play, especially in the case of minors. ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2006, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/others-reactions-to-ones-rape/368165/25 "2006-08-16T18:55:21Z")
[QUOTE=Mouse\_Maven] I am so very sorry that happened to you **Ghanima**! How long ago did this happen? Hopefully, things have changed. (If it was recent, so much for “progressive Europe.”) [/QUOTE] It was early 1992, if I recall correctly. It was after a party. I was making out with the guy and he held me down and raped me. I later found out that his friend, who we both thought was passed out drunk nearby, was pretending to be asleep the whole time. He heard me saying no over and over, heard the entire thing and didn’t move a muscle. At the time I struggled with myself about whether it was really rape because I was kissing him beforehand and because he put a condom on. It didn’t take long for me to realize it really was rape. I have a friend who had a very similar thing happen to her in Colombia around the same time. Her friend’s brother got her blind drunk and raped her, then told everyone she was a whore. Her friend got mad at her and didn’t want to even hang out with her any more. Both of us struggled with stereotypes, reputations and language barriers. I think that’s part of the reason why nobody believed us. ---
**Author:** ![Mouse\_Maven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@Mouse\_Maven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mouse_Maven)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2006, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/others-reactions-to-ones-rape/368165/26 "2006-08-16T19:24:25Z")
I’m very pleased that this thread has kept a respectful tone, and surprized by the number of sexual violence survivors there are on the Dope! **mamakat** , I encourage you to seek a therapist or a similar mental health professional. One of the many side effects of rape is that you feel isolated, and having friends and family “freak out” only makes it worse. I found therapy very helpful because I was talking to someone who was trained to hear what I had to say, would not judge me, and could not talk about what I said to other people. Also, \*\*Ferret Herder \*\* had a good point about your brother. Maybe you should try to talk to him again. My most sincere thanks to all of you. ---
**Author:** ![Elenfair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cc9497/32.png) [@Elenfair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elenfair)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2006, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/others-reactions-to-ones-rape/368165/27 "2006-08-16T22:21:36Z")
[QUOTE=Mouse\_Maven] I’m very pleased that this thread has kept a respectful tone, and surprized by the number of sexual violence survivors there are on the Dope! [/QUOTE] Current statistics hover between 12-25% of young women… Think about it. Scary. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2006, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/others-reactions-to-ones-rape/368165/28 "2006-08-17T07:58:41Z")
[QUOTE=Elenfair] Current statistics hover between 12-25% of young women… Think about it. Scary. [/QUOTE] When I hear things like “one in three women has suffered sexual abuse”, my own reaction (not very rational I know) is to think “hope that means there’s about 20 who didn’t get ‘theirs’ because I got so much”. Date rape, sort of, once. But sexual abuse, so many times (by among others a teacher and my grandfather) that I have to make a conscious effort to trust people. After telling Mom about Gramps’ attempts to get me into prostitution and being told “yeah, he’s like that, you’ll just have to learn to deal with it”, I made a conscious choice: I shall not, ever, start treating everybody as a potential predator - I refuse to let sick fucks like this one screw my life over. Grandma once saw Gramps grab my ass, me slap his hand away, she yelled at him but by the time she finished yelling, it was at me: my fault for having such a tempting ass. Gee, fucking sorry. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2006, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/others-reactions-to-ones-rape/368165/29 "2006-08-17T16:43:49Z")
[QUOTE=Kalhoun] I was raped when I was 14. Was I violated? Yes. Did I survive? Yes. Am I emotionally scarred? Not in the slightest. It isn’t the end of the world. [/QUOTE] As long as you know, _ **and I’m sure you do** _, that for some people it is. What do you all think about the term “virgin” applied to those who have had only unconsentual sex? Alice was a virgin when she was raped and then referred to herself (for awhile, until rethinking it) as no longer a virgin, or having lost her virginity. I guess I didn’t agree with that, since she did not engage in sex per se. ---
**Author:** ![Ruffian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/71e660/32.png) [@Ruffian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruffian)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2006, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/others-reactions-to-ones-rape/368165/30 "2006-08-17T16:56:25Z")
My parents still don’t believe my sister was raped when she was 13. They’ve asked me, “Do you really think she was?” My answer is always an unfaltering, “Yes, absolutely.” “Why?” they ask. “Because her entire life patterns since then are practically textbook examples of that of a young rape victim.” My parents found out about it when she was 13–at least, they found out she’d had sex due to a note she’d thrown in the trash, expressing her worry she was pregnant–and blamed HER, and called HER a whore. Apparently, it’s easier for them to assume their little 7th grader was a slut. The fact that a 13yro girl having sex IN AND OF ITSELF indicates something is seriously wrong didn’t register with them, either. This is 20+ years ago now…and as of this date, I’m the only member of the family that believes her. Even our other, oldest sister thinks it’s just a case of her kid sister just being a slut. **AT 13.** _sigh_ I’m going to go bang my head against the keyboard for a few hours. ---
**Author:** ![Aangelica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b2d939/32.png) [@Aangelica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aangelica)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2006, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/others-reactions-to-ones-rape/368165/31 "2006-08-17T18:35:03Z")
I chose not to tell people, actually. There were two seperate situations - one was a stranger situation. That one was actually attempted rape, as I successfully fought him off prior to penetration. I called 911 immediately from the closest phone in a lit area (a restaurant). When the police arrived (along with the EMTs - I had a brown belt at the time and felt no need to pull my blows dammit), they launched _immediately_ into an interrogation of _me_. What was I doing walking alone after dark? Why was I wearing a short skirt? (Actually, it was knee-length.) When they asked me if I was a hooker and it was a business deal gone south and threatened to arrest me for assault on the guy, I faked hysteria, ran to the restroom, and walked out the back door. Never looked back. It discouraged me from informing people. After going home, taking a two hour shower, eating a whole cheesecake from the freezer, and sleeping for 10 hours, I realized I was more pissed off than traumatized and decided not to discuss it with people. The second situation was repeated intimate partner sexual abuse. My lover had a hard time understanding the concept that permission once granted wasn’t _irrevocable permanent_ permission. He’d often come home drunk and fuck me whether or not I wanted to - and over my protests. Regretably, for a long time, I shared his misunderstanding of the situation. Finally it happened once too often and he hurt me a little too much (probably more than he intended to - I can’t say he didn’t intend to hurt me at all - he was a bastard in every possible way) and I had a revelation and kicked him out of my life immediately and with immense vigor. I’m sure that some of my closer friends knew what was going on, but since I wasn’t saying anything, they didn’t bring it up. I can’t blame them really. Once it was over, there didn’t seem to be much point in discussing it. I certainly didn’t mention either incident to my family - not because I thought they’d react badly, but because I know it would hurt them (my father especially) and there wasn’t anything they could do for me. Also, I didn’t want them to treat me like I was broken. I wasn’t broken. I was angry and stupid (respectively). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/others-reactions-to-ones-rape/368165.md?page=1)