# Our baby gave my wife a black eye **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 23, 2005, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975 "2005-12-23T15:20:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Sophistry\_and\_Illusion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Sophistry\_and\_Illusion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sophistry_and_Illusion)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/1 "2005-12-23T15:20:29Z")
Really. A real shiner. Slugged Mom with her Avent milk bottle. I feel sorry for my wife, but I feel even sorrier for me. Everyone will think I beat her. I mean, come on–“My infant gave me this black eye” is even lamer-sounding than “I walked into a door.” My reputation is ruined. I will have to flee, incognito, to a land where I am unknown, or face the wrath of her outraged girlfriends. Harumph. ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/2 "2005-12-23T15:22:36Z")
Yeah, I feel that way sometimes. The 1 year old is prone to taking enormous chances (leaping off the bed, running in socks, that sort of thing) with reckless bravery and foolhardy abandon. She’s always getting some sort of bruises and whatnot. So when I drop her off at daycare I imagine they’re always on the phone to social services about ‘She’s been hurt again!’ ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/3 "2005-12-23T15:27:22Z")
My baby gave me a nice bloody lip via a headbutt last week. That’s gonna cost here when she asks to borrow the car someday. ---
**Author:** ![lisacurl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/41988e/32.png) [@lisacurl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lisacurl)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/4 "2005-12-23T15:45:25Z")
Anyone who has kids or who’s taken care of children will completely understand “My baby whacked me with her bottle.” One of my siblings head-butted me so badly as a babe in arms that I saw stars. One of my cousins ripped my aunt’s earring out of her ear when he was a baby. ---
**Author:** ![SkeptiJess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@SkeptiJess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SkeptiJess)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/5 "2005-12-23T16:37:33Z")
I was never injured by a baby bottle, but our daughter split my lip with her head once when she was little – she had (still has) a head like a cinder block. Anyway, I felt the same – that people were assuming that my husband had popped me one. So I made a point of telling people – through my swollen mouth – that my husband was out to sea (which he actually was). It didn’t occur to me that that could lead people to assume that my _boyfriend_ had popped me one while my husband was deployed. You can’t win. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/6 "2005-12-23T16:41:02Z")
Did I ever tell you about the time I got **two** black eyes in _church?_ We stood up to sing a hymn, and there was a fat lady in the pew in front of me. Being large, her dress got caught between her cheeks. I thought I’d help her out, so I pulled it free. She turned around and hit me right in my right eye! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/7 "2005-12-23T16:54:49Z")
Ivyboy had reached an age where he was tall enough to dump stuff in the sink. He liked “doing the dishes.” Ivylad had finished his coffee cup and gave it to Ivyboy to put in the sink. Ivyboy toddles off toward the kitchen, stops halfway there, turns around, and walks back to his father to whack him over the head with the coffee cup before returning to his chore. I collapsed on the floor, screaming in laughter. He didn’t say a word, it was like, “Ooops, I forgot to do something…_bonk_!” ---
**Author:** ![Spiff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiff/32/9852_2.png) [@Spiff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiff)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/8 "2005-12-23T17:09:30Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > Did I ever tell you about the time I got **two** black eyes in _church?_ > > We stood up to sing a hymn, and there was a fat lady in the pew in front of me. Being large, her dress got caught between her cheeks. I thought I’d help her out, so I pulled it free. She turned around and hit me right in my right eye! :eek: Oh **Johnny** , you’re just sitting there, drooling in front of your computer screen, aren’t you? Hitting the “Refresh” button, just waiting for someone to ask the obvious question to your post. Well, I won’t play your sick game! ---
**Author:** ![Hypno-Toad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b2d939/32.png) [@Hypno-Toad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypno-Toad)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/9 "2005-12-23T18:21:37Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > Did I ever tell you about the time I got **two** black eyes in _church?_ > > We stood up to sing a hymn, and there was a fat lady in the pew in front of me. Being large, her dress got caught between her cheeks. I thought I’d help her out, so I pulled it free. She turned around and hit me right in my right eye! :eek: Man, it’a a good thing there wasn’t some guy next to you trying to pull it out, causing you to tuck it back in! ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/10 "2005-12-23T18:25:51Z")
Funny you should mention that. ---
**Author:** ![Draelin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ce73a5/32.png) [@Draelin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Draelin)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/11 "2005-12-23T18:31:55Z")
My friend’s four-year-old threw a tantrum when I tried to put him to bed and inadvertently gave me the nicest shiner I’ve ever possessed. He’s fourteen now, and I still give him crap about it. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/12 "2005-12-23T22:45:49Z")
When I was four years old, my dad gave me a lovely bruise on my cheek when he accidentally hit me with the car door. (He didn’t see me standing there). Of course, when I went back to preschool, I told my entire class and my teachers that “My daddy hit me!” ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2005, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/13 "2005-12-23T23:15:59Z")
> [@Sophistry and Illusion](#): > > I mean, come on–“My infant gave me this black eye” is even lamer-sounding than “I walked into a door.” Homer: [telephones work] You heard me, I won’t be in for the rest of the week. [pause] I told you! My baby beat me up! [pause] No, it is _not_ the worst excuse I ever thought up! ---
**Author:** ![lalaith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/96bed5/32.png) [@lalaith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lalaith)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/14 "2005-12-24T00:42:41Z")
I got a black eye from a kitten once. Try living that one down. Not even a human infant – a few months old ball of fluff weighing maybe two or three pounds. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Sam\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Stone)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/15 "2005-12-24T02:05:40Z")
Bam Bam! ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/16 "2005-12-24T02:10:12Z")
My sweet Isabella, bless her heart, has man hands. At one year old she has a grip almost as powerful as her daddy. Earlier this week she was being a darling, grabbing my cheeks and kissing me (with a big ol’ drooling open mouth). Then she took a big chunk of neck skin in her precious hands and squeezed with all her might! Now everyone I run into makes cracks about the giant four inch diameter hicky Miguel must have given me. I wish! ---
**Author:** ![medstar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f07891/32.png) [@medstar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/medstar)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/17 "2005-12-24T02:15:44Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > My baby gave me a nice bloody lip via a headbutt last week. That’s gonna cost here when she asks to borrow the car someday. I hope she was “sheepish” about it. 😃 ::d&r:: ---
**Author:** ![wonderlust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonderlust/32/7237_2.png) [@wonderlust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonderlust)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/18 "2005-12-24T02:16:15Z")
Here’s the nastiest one, and it happens to nearly every parent. The young child is excited and jumping up and down and dancing while you’re trying to brush their hair or put on their jacket from behind. Then, just as you bend over to kiss their head or say something to them, the jump is on the up, and you get a full-force head bump under your jaw…then the bloody end of your tongue falls off. God, I miss those days! ---
**Author:** ![Hedda\_Rosa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hedda_rosa/32/1204_2.png) [@Hedda\_Rosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hedda_Rosa)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/19 "2005-12-24T03:12:51Z")
> [@brightpenny](#): > > then the bloody end of your tongue falls off. Oh my yes indeed. Oooh, oooh, anyone for a bloody nose? Once saw someone with a jumping toddler, mom’s nose in the wrong place, wrong time. It was not pretty. My 10 month old son’s favorite, maybe because it doesn’t leave a mark, is to grab a handful of my husband’s chest hair and _rip_. Makes Daddy scream like a little girl. ::snerk:: ---
**Author:** ![commasense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/commasense/32/3017_2.png) [@commasense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/commasense)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/20 "2005-12-24T04:32:15Z")
> [@Sophistry and Illusion](#): > > Really. A real shiner. Slugged Mom with her Avent milk bottle. Okay, if that’s your story, I’ve got your back. And don’t forget, I was out with you last Saturday night. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975.md?page=2)