# Our baby gave my wife a black eye **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 23, 2005, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975 "2005-12-23T15:20:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/21 "2005-12-24T04:48:50Z")
> [@brightpenny](#): > > Here’s the nastiest one, and it happens to nearly every parent. No, the nastiest is “sit in Daddy’s lap and whip your head forward just as he leans towards you”. It’s OK, dear, Daddy is only writhing on the floor, turning purple, clutching his throat and making strangulated gasping noises because you’ve just crushed his larynx with your forehead. I’m sure he’ll be better in a couple of weeks. Oh, and balls. All infants seem to know instinctively that if they headbutt, elbow, step on or otherwise mistreat your testicles, there’ll be less chance of future competition for scarce resources. The selfish gene in action, right there on your wedding tackle. ---
**Author:** ![zoogirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b9bd4f/32.png) [@zoogirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoogirl)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/22 "2005-12-24T04:50:22Z")
I’ve had 'em both - split lip from a jumping four year old and black eye from a six month old. Same kid, actually. The shiner was a beaut. I was holding him in my lap and looking down. He whipped his head back and BAM! ☹ The older on bit my mom’s finger hard enough to draw blood. Ouch! Now that they’re teenagers, they just beat on each other. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/23 "2005-12-24T05:03:06Z")
> [@Twiddle](#): > > Oooh, oooh, anyone for a bloody nose? Once saw someone with a jumping toddler, mom’s nose in the wrong place, wrong time. It was not pretty. Bloody? How about _broken?_ He was about 18 months old at the time. Yeah, head like a cinderblock. The broken nose came with two black eyes. Cute. I had just started a new job. My new boss said, “So, your kid doesn’t like the idea of Mom going back to work?” ---
**Author:** ![Booker57](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Booker57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Booker57)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/24 "2005-12-24T05:11:53Z")
> [@Sophistry and Illusion](#): > > Slugged Mom with her Avent milk bottle. I think this is a good reason to breast feed. The bottles are softer. Or so I have been told. ---
**Author:** ![LadyMack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4491bb/32.png) [@LadyMack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LadyMack)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 5:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/25 "2005-12-24T05:33:43Z")
> [@Twiddle](#): > > Oh my yes indeed. > > Oooh, oooh, anyone for a bloody nose? Once saw someone with a jumping toddler, mom’s nose in the wrong place, wrong time. It was not pretty. I was sitting in a chair with my oldest daughter when she did just that. I saw stars, and thought I was going to pass out. So I oozed gracefully to the floor, trapping her halfway under me, and holding onto her shirt. Her screaming and wiggling finally brought me around. One bloody swollen nose, and one black eye later, nobody believed me, either. I still give her heck about it, 25+ years later. ---
**Author:** ![633squadron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/ee59a6/32.png) [@633squadron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/633squadron)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/26 "2005-12-24T05:48:06Z")
> [@Jess](#): > > I was never injured by a baby bottle, but our daughter split my lip with her head once when she was little – she had (still has) a head like a cinder block. Anyway, I felt the same – that people were assuming that my husband had popped me one. So I made a point of telling people – through my swollen mouth – that my husband was out to sea (which he actually was). It didn’t occur to me that that could lead people to assume that my _boyfriend_ had popped me one while my husband was deployed. You can’t win. Damn! Lost _another_keyboard on that one! I need a waterproof one! ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 7:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/27 "2005-12-24T07:28:57Z")
I was born in 1960, and a few years after that my mother was wearing a pair of gold hoop earrings. Bad idea. For the rest of her life, she would gaze longingly at small pearl or diamond earrings and then remind me that **I** was the reason she couldn’t wear the tiny earrings she adored, because they would slip through her ear, because of a certain red-headed daughter… ---
**Author:** ![DrLoveGun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ecb155/32.png) [@DrLoveGun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrLoveGun)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 7:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/28 "2005-12-24T07:50:38Z")
Our one year old head butted my wife so hard a few weeks ago, we had to go to the dr. They thought there was a chance she had fractured the bone around her eye. She almost definately had a mild concussion. I thought my rep would be ruined to. ---
**Author:** ![Sophistry\_and\_Illusion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Sophistry\_and\_Illusion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sophistry_and_Illusion)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 10:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/29 "2005-12-24T10:25:29Z")
Thanks, **commasense** –I knew the SDMB crowd would give me an alibi. 😉 Glad to know our child is not the only one with homicidal tendencies. Actually, she’s the worst when she’s expressing affection, which she occasionally does by grabbing and pinching. If her fingernails aren’t trimmed, she is easily capable of drawing blood. Ah, the joys of parenthood! ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/30 "2005-12-24T11:46:42Z")
> [@Sophistry and Illusion](#): > > Really. A real shiner. Slugged Mom with her Avent milk bottle. I feel sorry for my wife, but I feel even sorrier for me. Everyone will think I beat her. I mean, come on–“My infant gave me this black eye” is even lamer-sounding than “I walked into a door.” My reputation is ruined. I will have to flee, incognito, to a land where I am unknown, or face the wrath of her outraged girlfriends. Harumph. Feh. That’s nothin’. My toddler gave me a busted nose. I was bending over to help him with his shoelace and he pulled his head up…WHAM! Right in the schnozz. It hurt so bad I was seeing stars. But I recovered. ---
**Author:** ![WishIHadACoolName](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a587f6/32.png) [@WishIHadACoolName](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WishIHadACoolName)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 11:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/31 "2005-12-24T11:58:09Z")
Anyone here ever been “loved” by a severely autistic kid? The phrase “love hurts” means sooooo much more to me now than it did when Nazareth released the song! Our son has an extreme tolerance to pain, and is unable to feel empathy, so he has NO IDEA that the “biting kisses” are not nearly as fun for us as they are for him. One of his favorite ways to love mommy is to press his bared teeth against my chin. Not such a big deal, as it doesn’t leave a mark, but it really kills my neck to have all that pressure. He’s almost 11 now, and he’s a strong little bugger! He gave his brother a “Tyson” once, bit his ear clean through the cartilage (just trying to wake the boy to get his attention). Try explaining that at midnight in the emergency room… “Well, Mrs. CoolName, when a child is brought to us with a human bite, we are usually inclined to call Child Services”. But my dear friend showed up, and was able to vouch for us. These kids and their crazy loving!!! ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/32 "2005-12-24T15:04:53Z")
With all due respect, **Wish** , I think it’s time you broke your son of that habit. He could seriously injure someone as he gets older and stronger. It sounds like he’s inflicting quite a bit of damage now. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2005, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975/33 "2005-12-24T16:09:38Z")
Of course, the _real_ question is how long it takes before a baby turns out to be the murderer in an episode of _CSI_. Or maybe they did that already and I missed it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/our-baby-gave-my-wife-a-black-eye/336975.md?page=1)