# Overnight guests in \*my\* dorm room... **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 31, 2001, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043 "2001-08-31T00:48:17Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![gtzaskar00](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e9c0ed/32.png) [@gtzaskar00](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gtzaskar00)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2001, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/41 "2001-09-03T20:00:43Z")
Wow, what a fucking dipshit you are. Words can’t express how fucking stupid that post was. What exactly was the point of posting my rant about college text books? That proved nothing, but I suppose I shouldn’t expect much from an assumptive jackass like yourself. You really do make me laugh. ---
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2001, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/42 "2001-09-03T20:13:27Z")
gtzaskar00 - gee, what a _useful_ exchange that was… Custard dragon is right - backpedal much? ---
**Author:** ![custard\_dragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@custard\_dragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/custard_dragon)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2001, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/43 "2001-09-03T20:33:02Z")
O.K., I’ll try to make this as clear as possible: AoTL’s FIRST POST way back before you started with your stupid comments about how she was paranoid: > [@](#): > > I don’t want this guy in our dorm room. You’ve never met him, and I don’t care who this asshole is, I don’t trust him. If you’re stupid enough to ignore my warnings, fine, get raped, if that’s what he intends to do. But don’t drag me into it. How fucking selfish is that. AoTL’s most recent post, after you had hounded her repeatedly: > [@](#): > > Why should I be obligated to take risks based upon my roommate’s judgement? I mean, even if the guy isn’t a rapist–although that was my greatest fear–he could be a thief, like yosemitebabe suggested. Note: These quotes are virtually identical. Then… YOUR QUOTE(remember, this is after **post after post** repeating your sophomoric, sarcatic jokes about how paranoid you think she is being): > [@](#): > > Thanks AoTL, that is all I wanted, a clear and concise look into what you were thinking. Do you get it? She was just as clear and concise in her OP as in the final post where you claim finally to understand. This leads to two legitimate questions: a) Why did you hound her and make fun of her conerns? b) It is clear you were wrong; why did you criticize her for not being “clear and concise” instead of apologizing. Why did I mention your joke about rape in the other thread? It demonstrates your disingenuousness in claiming that you really understand women’s fear of rape. I am serious when I say that you have a problem. You have demonstrated here a pattern of abuse and ridicule, followed by making nice but blaming the argument on the woman. Virtual or not, this is scary to me. Really, get counseling. ---
**Author:** ![Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angel_of_the_lord/32/2949_2.png) [@Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angel_of_the_Lord)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2001, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/44 "2001-09-03T21:53:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gtzaskar00 \* > **Thanks AoTL, that is all I wanted, a clear and concise look into what you were thinking.** No, you just needed to have the point driven into that thick skull of yours. Or you were waiting for the drugs to wear off. > [@](#): > > **I completely understand your desire to protect yourself from even the slightest risk of any harm.** Oh, bite me you patronizing asswipe. This isn’t my wanting to protect myself from “even the slightest risk of any harm.” If I wanted to do that, I’d join a convent and spend the rest of my days alternately praying and getting myself off. (I’d have to watch out for those randy priests, though 😉 ) > [@](#): > > **As far as my car doors, I doubt anyone would steal the piece of shit, so no, I do not normally lock the doors of it.** Are you saying that I should consider myself a piece of shit, and, therefore, should take no precautions regarding my personal safety? Jeez, I didn’t know you cared. :rolleyes: > [@](#): > > **I am sure no one wants to get into my car to spark a relationship with something inside. In the case of the roommate, someone was gaining access to her room with the _presumed_ intent of sparking up a relationship with said roommate.** Presumed. That’s the key word. Besides, the guy’s 28 years old. He has a job. He’s perfectly capable of sparking up a relationship with my roommate there. I mean, christ, if he has to depend on a freaking 18 year-old for his room and board, he’s got a serious problem. > [@](#): > > \*\*If someone wanted to drive hours to get to my car, and then get inside to get things going with my glove box or something, by all means, do what you need, but clean up when you are done. \*\* My God. . .were you huffing when you posted this? Did some poor, misbegotten soul forget to tell you remove the plastic wrapper from your cheap cigars before you smoked them? People don’t “get it on” with cars. It’s not an accurate analogy. Are you saying that my roommate has a six cylinder engine? A cam-shaft? Brakes? A lock on her door? That she belongs to me? Or that she’s just part of the dorm room, much in the same way that the sink is? Not a valid analogy. But, for a moment, let’s pretend that it is. Would you let the guy–who is a perfect stranger to you–in the car, with the keys in the ignition and a full tank of gas? You wouldn’t? Really? Why not? Oh. I see. You’re afraid he might steal the car. Doesn’t that make you paranoid? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![The\_Ryan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7feea3/32.png) [@The\_Ryan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Ryan)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2001, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/45 "2001-09-04T00:06:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by OpalCat \* > I don’t see this as anyone saying that the guy is or even probably is a rapist. It’s just saying that YOU DON’T KNOW HIM and so he could be just about anything. AotL clearly referred her roommate getting raped as a likely results of this meeting. Now why don’t you just go back to torturing kittens for fun, or however you spend your time. Note that I didn’t actually accuse you of torturing kittens. I’m just saying that I DON’T KNOW YOU, and you could do just about anything for fun, so I’m justified in making whatever outrageous assumptions I want :rolleyes:. custard dragon > [@](#): > > The fact that you take AoTL’s concern that this anonymous stranger MIGHT be dangerous as a personal attack on you suggests to me that you are dangerous. Get help, you paranoid fuck. If someone says that everyone who fits description X is a potential rapist, I see nothing strange about a person who fits description X taking offense. > [@](#): > > Hey! I honestly think that the guy who lives downstairs from me is safe and honest. May he sleep in your room tonight? No? Must be a pretty shitty way to go through life not trusting everyone uncondtionally. Do you really not understand the difference between not allowing someone to sleep in your room, and insulting him? Is your mind just too small to come up with any response other than “Yes, you can sleep in my room” and “No, you can’t sleep in my room because I think it highly likely that you’re a rapist” to the question “May I sleep in your room tonight?”? > [@](#): > > Does everyone in the world have the responsibility to bow down to your selfishness or be branded intolerant? How is iamapunha being selfish? And seeing as how you consider everyone who disagrees with you as being “dangerous”, calling someone else “intolerant” is rather ironic. yosemitebabe > [@](#): > > I don’t give a damn if some guys are going to have their feathers ruffled because women are trying to be careful, and cautious. Too damned bad if people like iampunha are somehow offended or ruffled because we wonder or “assume” that strange guys MIGHT be rapists. Sorry, I still haven’t figured how insulting half the world’s population is necessary to be careful. If you don’t want a guy you don’t know in your room, fine. But there’s no reason to call him a potential rapist. Tell me, just how did AotL’s posting this rant here improve her safety? I’d really like to know how that works. Taking precautions because someone might be dangerous is quite different from outright accusing them of being dangerous. Why is it that if a store owner follows around a black shopper, that’s considered racist and unacceptable, but accusing a guy you don’t know of being a potential rapist is just fine? ---
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2001, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/46 "2001-09-04T00:36:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by The Ryan \* > > Sorry, I still haven’t figured how insulting half the world’s population is necessary to be careful. If you don’t want a guy you don’t know in your room, fine. But there’s no reason to call him a potential rapist. Uh, I don’t recall that she ever mentioned going up to the guy and TELLING HIM that she thought he might rape her. However, it is a real fear that most women face - ANY unfamiliar guy could be a rapist, a nutjob, a thief - ANY guy. It’s not personal. It’s not even gender based (with the exception of rape, which stats show are usually male-female). I would be concerned about ANY stranger coming into my home and staying overnight, male or female, old or young. You never know. So, we can be THINKING that a stranger _might_ be a rapist (among other things), whether or not we actually tell the person is another matter. So instead of ranting to the 28 year old that is currently visiting her roommate, AoTL came here to blow off steam. Too bad that you feel “insulted” by her concerns and fears. > [@](#): > > Tell me, just how did AotL’s posting this rant here improve her safety? It allowed her to blow off steam. This is a RANT. This is the Pit. Does this rant need get your approval first to be able to proceed? > [@](#): > > Taking precautions because someone might be dangerous is quite different from outright accusing them of being dangerous. I don’t recall her accusing this guy (directly) that he was “dangerous”. He’s a stranger, she’s concerned. He _might_ be a rapist. He _might_ be a one-eyed naked biker dude. He might be any manner of things. Since he is a STRANGER that is being brought into her living quarters against her better judgment, why shouldn’t she be allowed to feel concerned about it, and voice that concern here? This is the Pit, after all. Too frickin’ bad if some of you take “offense” at someone voicing their concerns and frustrations about their own _personal safety_. > [@](#): > > Why is it that if a store owner follows around a black shopper, that’s considered racist and unacceptable, but accusing a guy you don’t know of being a potential rapist is just fine? I don’t see AoTL saying that she is following the 28 year old around, saying “you might rape me, I have my eye on you” or what have you. Besides, a shop is a public area, someone’s private quarters are not. A shop owner can have survellience cameras up, can take certain precautions to somewhat protect their safety, and no one usually takes “offense” at that. So, I don’t see the connection here. A person is entitled to be worried when a STRANGER is being allowed into their **home.** ---
**Author:** ![custard\_dragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@custard\_dragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/custard_dragon)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2001, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/47 "2001-09-04T02:42:05Z")
The Ryan: I really, honestly don’t know where to start. You repeatedly demonstrate a fundemental misunderstanding of the English language. A couple of examples: > [@](#): > > Do you really not understand the difference between not allowing someone to sleep in your room, and insulting him? Yeah, umm…that wasn’t the comparison I was making. I was comparing not allowing someone to sleep in your room and , well, not allowing someone to sleep in your room. How about this one: > [@](#): > > Seeing as how you consider everyone who disagrees with you as being “dangerous”, calling someone else “intolerant” is rather ironic. You might want to look at the sentence you were referring to again. I wasn’t calling anyone intolerant, I was accusing gtzaskar00 of calling people intolerant. I’m not going to waste my time trying to quess what kind of bizzarro English and logic you might understand. Instead, may I very briefly recount the thread. 1)AoTL complained that her roomate was going to bring a complete stranger to sleep in their room. She was uncomfortable because she didn’t know this guy and didn’t trust her roomate’s judgement. Part of her concern was that the guest MIGHT be dangerous. 2)Iampunha, gtzaskar00, and now you attacked her for being paranoid, intolerant, and for spoiling her roomate’s good time. Gtzaskar00, in particular, mocked AoTL repeatedly for being afraid of rape. My concerns about his mental health were based on the evident pleasure he took in these attacks. Answer yes or no: Must a person accept, in her room, while she is sleeping, anyone her roomate wants to invite? That was the only issue here. There was no call to make fun of women for being concerned about their personal security. I understand that you are young, and that you have not yet discovered the necessity of establishing personal boundries. This is natural when you haven’t spent much time outside of your parents’ home. I recommend, however, that you begin to observe other people’s needs in this regard, they will help you in the process of growing up. ---
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2001, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/48 "2001-09-04T03:18:44Z")
The more I think of this, the more baffled and irritated I get. So, we (meaning women) are entitled to be concerned about our personal safety, right? Do we get the green light from some of you? OK? Really? Fine. So, this means that we get to feel concerns about our personal safety when STRANGERS are allowed to stay at our homes. Is this OK with you? Are we still entitled? Do we have your permission to be concerned? So, what is it that bothers you so much? That someone _dared_ to express on a message board that in the particular situation, one of her concerns was the slim (but possible) risk of rape? Why does this offend you so much? What _exactly_ did you think our “concerns” (the ones you say we are entitled to feel ) were? Certainly you must be aware that women actually DO fear the risk of rape, right? You’ve _heard_ of rape, right? So why isn’t a young woman allowed to express a fear of rape (even though she acknowledges the risk is slim) from a STRANGER? What “concerns” are actually legitimate to you? Should we consult you before we decide which concerns are valid, or what situations are considered risky? Or is it that someone dares to EXPRESS a specific concern (that of rape) on a message board? Certainly you all KNEW (and have known for years) that EVERY woman has a concern of rape from strangers, right? Or have you been living under a rock or something? So I really don’t understand what the problem here is. Other than you don’t like a woman actually specifying a particular concern. Because certainly I cannot imagine that you actually expect any woman to allow herself to be put at risk, for fear of “offending” your delicate sensibilities. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Ryan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7feea3/32.png) [@The\_Ryan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Ryan)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2001, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/49 "2001-09-04T23:00:14Z")
Yosemitebabe: > [@](#): > > Uh, I don’t recall that she ever mentioned going up to the guy and TELLING HIM that she thought he might rape her. So that makes it okay? If I say in another thread that I suspect that you kidnap children and torture them, you wouldn’t have a problem with that, since I’m not saying it **to you**? > [@](#): > > Too bad that you feel “insulted” by her concerns and fears. No, I’m insulted by her **assumptions** , and I’m even more insulted by the way you (and I’m using the word in its plural sense) have completely ignored what I and other people have said, preferring shrill knee-jerk responses to honest communication. > [@](#): > > It allowed her to blow off steam. This is a RANT. This is the Pit. None of that explains how it improves her safety. > [@](#): > > Does this rant need get your approval first to be able to proceed? You know, that’s one of the cheapest counter-arguments there is. You’re implying that by merely objecting to a statement, I am implying that I have the authority to decide what gets posted here. I never claimed such a right, and your implication that I have just shows how little rationality there is in your position. I have just as much a right to state what my reactions to AotL post are as she has to post the message in the first place, and I really don’t appreciate your pathetic attempt to make me feel that I am unworthy of sharing my thoughts. > [@](#): > > I don’t recall her accusing this guy (directly) that he was “dangerous”. No, she didn’t make a **direct** accusation. She just made an implication that someone with the intelligence of a rock could follow. Is this supposed to be any better? > [@](#): > > why shouldn’t she be allowed to feel concerned about it, and voice that concern here? Where has anyone ever said she shouldn’t? > [@](#): > > Too frickin’ bad if some of you take “offense” at someone voicing their concerns and frustrations about their own personal safety. Accusing someone of being a rapist is does not fall into the “someone voicing their concerns and frustrations about their own personal safety” category. > [@](#): > > So, what is it that bothers you so much? That someone dared to express on a message board that in the particular situation, one of her concerns was the slim (but possible) risk of rape? Do you really not understand the difference between “I’m concerned that this man might be a rapist” and “This man is a rapist, or something like that”? > [@](#): > > Because certainly I cannot imagine that you actually expect any woman to allow herself to be put at risk, for fear of “offending” your delicate sensibilities. If not posting a rant on a message board were to somehow constitute “putting herself at risk” you’d actually have a point. But since it doesn’t, your implication that an objection to a rant is somehow an expectation that women put themselves at risk is absolutely ridiculous. Custard dragon: > [@](#): > > I really, honestly don’t know where to start. You repeatedly demonstrate a fundemental misunderstanding of the English language. You’re the one who insists on attacking a position no one has taken. > [@](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > Do you really not understand the difference between not allowing someone to sleep in your room, and insulting him? > > Yeah, umm…that wasn’t the comparison I was making. I was comparing not allowing someone to sleep in your room and , well, not allowing someone to sleep in your room gtzaskar00 objected to AotL’s accusing her rommate’s visitor of being a rapist. You said that if he holds that position, he should allow someone who he doesn’t know to sleep in his room. You therefore were comparing the belief that one should not insult other people to allowing people you don’t know to sleep in your room. Clearly you are mistaking your own English comprehension problems for mine. > [@](#): > > Iampunha, gtzaskar00, and now you attacked her for being paranoid, intolerant, and for spoiling her roomate’s good time. Gtzaskar00, in particular, mocked AoTL repeatedly for being afraid of rape. I don’t recall any of them ever accusing AotL of spoiling her roommate’s good time, but I would be willing to accept the possibility that perhaps I missed that. But I know that I did not ever use the words “paranoid” or “intolerant” to refer to AtoL, and I certainly did not accuse her of spoiling her roommate’s good time. But then, considering how you’ve spent the whole thread defending a baseless accusation, it’s not surprising that you’d make up your own baseless accusations. BTW, gtzaskar00 mocked AotL not for her **fear** of rape, but her **accusation** of rape. > [@](#): > > Must a person accept, in her room, while she is sleeping, anyone her roomate wants to invite? That was the only issue here. Unless you can come up with a quote from someone who actually said that she should accept anyone her roommate invites, I must conclude that you think the “only issue” is one that everyone agrees on. Just how has the discussion gotten so involved if the only issue is one that everyone agrees on? The fact that you think this is the only issue shows yet again how poorly you understand the situation. If you had been paying attention at all, you would have noticed that several people have taken issue at AtoL’s accusation of rape, and that this is a completely different issue from whether she should allow this guy in her room. Unless you think that the statement “I’m not comfortable with you being in my room” is logically equivalent to “I think you’re a rapist” :rolleyes:. ---
**Author:** ![gtzaskar00](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e9c0ed/32.png) [@gtzaskar00](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gtzaskar00)\ **Post date:** [September 4, 2001, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/50 "2001-09-04T23:55:33Z")
I am sure that I will be accused of not being original, but I have to say that Ryan said pretty much what I was about to post myself. I must add a few things myself though. I was ripped for being intolerant to her assumptions that the man might be a rapist. I accepted her fear as a legit one, and I was accused of backpedaling. That is fine. Your opinion, although very far from the truth, is something you are entitled to. The only intolerance going on here is of course the intolerance a few of you hold toward anyone who comes in here and holds a different view on the situation. Aotl, you complained that I should not compare you to a piece of shit car. Although I was not doing so, that too is a valid opinion. It was not me who continually asked if I would leave my keys in my car, or if I would leave my car unlocked. It seems to me that the crime of rape was being compared to the crime of having a car stolen. I am sure being violated sexually goes way beyond the tragic level of having a piece of property stolen. I was accused, wrongly of course, that by questioning the assumption that this man might be a rapist based on absolutely no facts, that I am some kind of woman hater, or someone who has sexual dysfuntion. Far from the truth again. I said before that I do not have to defend myself against ridiculous claims. I will not do that now, either. Because I feel a person should be given the benefit of the doubt in no way means I hate women. Do I wish women to be raped? Of course not. Do I wish that every man isn’t looked at as a potential rapist? Certainly. The question of whether I would let a complete stranger sleep in my house continues to pop up. Well, if I had a roommate who paid just as much for that room as I had, and that person made a choice, I would feel compelled to stick with it. It is obvious that this entire post, as well as the intelligent posting by Ryan are completely wasted on closed-minded people who can not comprehend an opinion other than ones the same as their own. ---
**Author:** ![PotLuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@PotLuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PotLuck)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2001, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/51 "2001-09-05T00:57:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by gtzaskar00 \* > **Well, if I had a roommate who paid just as much for that room as I had, and that person made a choice, I would feel compelled to stick with it.** Julie, is that you? It’s Cajo! It’s been years since we shared an apartment, but I remember the parade of strangers you brought home for sex as if it were yesterday. Remember that loser who vomited all over my loveseat? (It was such a drag when he left with some of my favourite CDs the next day; too bad you didn’t know who anything about him or you could tracked them down for me. Uh, you still haven’t paid me back, by the way.) Or your huge and violent one-night-stand who came back periodically to pound on the front door screaming “WHORE!” in the wee hours? Good times, good times. Ooh, how about the night I woke up with one of your random lovers in **my** bedroom 'cause he presumed I liked sportfucking as much as you did? Good thing my high-pitched screams of terror made him back off, eh? So, how’s life been since I threw you the fuck out? As you can see, I haven’t changed; I’m still a “humourless bitch” who doesn’t appreciate dealing with the aftermath of your choices. And I still don’t accept candy, rides or drinks from strangers – still paranoid, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![GuanoLad](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guanolad/32/42_2.png) [@GuanoLad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GuanoLad)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2001, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/52 "2001-09-05T03:13:42Z")
I agree with Angel fifty percent! What, only fifty? Yes, because I realise why she was wary of a stranger being welcomed into her house for several days, someone who seems to her to be unusual in some ways, things that she has been taught to question. Makes perfect sense to me. However, she may have overreacted a bit in her rant in the OP, so I can’t say I will accept her words as being the correct way to behave. They seem like exaggerations and paranoia instead of rational reasons to be cautious and have doubts. ---
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2001, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/53 "2001-09-05T03:26:47Z")
First off, let me quote from the OP: > [@](#): > > I don’t want this guy in our dorm room. You’ve never met him, and I don’t care who this asshole is, I don’t trust him. If you’re stupid enough to ignore my warnings, fine, get raped, if that’s what he intends to do. **But don’t drag me into it.** How fucking selfish is that. **Yeah, I know, he probably isn’t a rapist, but, if he is, and you invite him in here, you’re inflicting him on another person.** I have bolded certain portions for emphasis. No where in this statement does she say he IS a rapist. She says he _might_ be a rapist. Or a one-eyed naked biker dude, or just about _anything_. She doesn’t know him, she knows nothing about him, and she doesn’t have much faith in her roommate’s judgment. Yet, she still concedes that he _probably isn’t_ a rapist. (But you never know, you know? He’s a STRANGER.) No where does she say she TELLS the guy to his face that she thinks HE is a rapist. He’s just a stranger, and she is not comfortable with strangers staying overnight in her house. How many frickin’ times do we have to repeat this?!? > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by The Ryan \* > Yosemitebabe: > > > [@](#): > > > > Uh, I don’t recall that she ever mentioned going up to the guy and TELLING HIM that she thought he might rape her. > > So that makes it okay? If I say in another thread that I suspect that you kidnap children and torture them, you wouldn’t have a problem with that, since I’m not saying it **to you**? Sigh. Once again, unless this particular guy frequents the Straight Dope Message Board, recognizes this scenario and KNOWS she’s thinks there is a SMALL risk that maybe, **as a stranger** , he COULD be a rapist - how is he EVER going to know what she secretly is concerned about? And even then - because it is obvious that her fears are based on the fact that he is a **STRANGER** , not because she’s met him and just thinks on sight that he looks like a rapist (or some absurdity) I daresay he might understand her viewpoint. IT’S NOT PERSONAL. It’s about her being concerned about having a STRANGER stay over. Simple. > [@](#): > > No, I’m insulted by her _assumptions_, and I’m even more insulted by the way you (and I’m using the word in its plural sense) have completely ignored what I and other people have said, preferring shrill knee-jerk responses to honest communication. You obviously aren’t paying attention. When a woman is trying to protect her safety, she often _assumes_ the worst possible scenario is _possible_, when it comes to STRANGERS staying in her house. And tries to react accordingly. > [@](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > It allowed her to blow off steam. This is a RANT. This is the Pit. > > None of that explains how it improves her safety. [/quote] So what? Where did she imply, or any of us imply that posting on a message board improved her safety? What exactly is your point? Why should her rant be anything OTHER than a rant? > [@](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > I don’t recall her accusing this guy (directly) that he was “dangerous”. > > No, she didn’t make a **direct** accusation. She just made an implication that someone with the intelligence of a rock could follow. Is this supposed to be any better? [/quote] By this same logic, no one should have locks on their doors, or have survellience cameras in their stores - because that would be ASSUMING that someone (a “stranger”) might rob them. And we can’t be _assuming_ that STRANGERS might ever do us harm, can we? Because that would be the same as “accusing” them. :rolleyes: Sheesh. Why is this so difficult to grasp? You really have no clue what women go through, do you? > [@](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > Too frickin’ bad if some of you take “offense” at someone voicing their concerns and frustrations about their own personal safety. > > Accusing someone of being a rapist is does not fall into the “someone voicing their concerns and frustrations about their own personal safety” category. [/quote] Where does she “accuse” him of being a rapist? Where does she say “I THINK he is a RAPIST”. “I **ACCUSE** him of being a RAPIST.” Please - show me. Where does she do that? It’s just that he is an unknown quantity. (And I think Cajo’s experience illustrates _beautifully_ why women are not always comfortable - nor should be - with the guys their roommates drag home.) This guy is coming into HER home, and she doesn’t know who or what he is. He could just as easily be a rapist, or the Pope. (Well, maybe not the Pope!) Along the same lines, the little girl who comes by to sell Girl Scout Cookies could be a sneak thief. No - you don’t TELL the little girl that you don’t want her wandering alone in your house because for all you know she could steal your dishes. But what is so terrible about realizing that an _UNKNOWN QUANTITY_ (a “stranger”) could be capable of almost anything? And not wanting to put yourself in a vulnerable position with them? (As in letting them stay overnight in your home?) That’s not accusing anyone of anything - it’s just taking precautions against an unknown quantity. > [@](#): > > > [@](#): > > > > So, what is it that bothers you so much? That someone dared to express on a message board that in the particular situation, one of her concerns was the slim (but possible) risk of rape? > > Do you really not understand the difference between “I’m concerned that this man might be a rapist” and “This man is a rapist, or something like that”? [/quote] Please copy and paste where AoTL wrote that he WAS a rapist. Where did she write this? ---
**Author:** ![custard\_dragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@custard\_dragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/custard_dragon)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2001, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/54 "2001-09-05T04:38:57Z")
From the OP: > [@](#): > > I know, he probably isn’t a rapist, but, if he is, and you invite him in here, you’re inflicting him on another person. > [@](#): > > I know, he probably isn’t a rapist, but, if he is, and you invite him in here, you’re inflicting him on another person. > [@](#): > > I know, he probably isn’t a rapist, but, if he is, and you invite him in here, you’re inflicting him on another person. > [@](#): > > I know, he probably isn’t a rapist, but, if he is, and you invite him in here, you’re inflicting him on another person. > [@](#): > > I know, he probably isn’t a rapist, but, if he is, and you invite him in here, you’re inflicting him on another person. > [@](#): > > I know, he probably isn’t a rapist, but, if he is, and you invite him in here, you’re inflicting him on another person. Do you guys get it? You have been railing about this “baseless accusation” and using it as an excuse to mock women’s fears of rape. What do you expect, other than to be treated like the shitbags you have demonstrated yourselves to be? Where did you mock women’s’ fears of rape? Right here > [@](#): > > why post to this board when you should be keeping your eye on the potential rapist you have up in your room. and here > [@](#): > > Wow, he is there right now? Is she raped yet? You better go check to see if she is raped. I would do so right now instead of posting to this message bored. It doesn’t matter how many screen names you use to say it, THERE WAS NO ACCUSATION. AtoL was describing reasonable concerns about having a stranger in her room. NOW you all say that you agree that those concerns are reasonable, but that you were only upset by the accusation. THERE WAS NO ACCUSATION. Are women never to mention the possibility that they might be raped, even with a disclaimer like > [@](#): > > I know, he probably isn’t a rapist, but, if he is, and you invite him in here, you’re inflicting him on another person. ? I simply cannot believe that you could be so dimwitted as to not understand that there was no accusation. That is why I have worked on the assumption that you just get off on making fun of women’s fear of rape. If you are that stupid, I apologize ---
**Author:** ![custard\_dragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@custard\_dragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/custard_dragon)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2001, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/55 "2001-09-05T05:22:59Z")
And I do apologize for the above repetition, but come on, was this whole thread the result of you not reading the OP? ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2001, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/56 "2001-09-05T15:37:46Z")
**NEWSFLASH:** Rape does happen. It often happens to college girls. A college girl will often trust that the object of her romantic interest will not force himself on her. Sometimes, this man does force himself on her. This is called date rape. Date rape is common, and vastly under-reported. While most women don’t live in constant fear of rape, we do like to take precautions against finding ourselves in situations where date rape or assault are more likely to occur. For a college freshman, some of these situations might be: – Getting too drunk and passing out at a party. – Having a stranger as an overnight guest. – And I can’t think of a third item, so I’ll take this opportunity to say hi to Opal. There are red flags all over this situation, and AoTL touched on them all in her OP. If you persist in thinking that she was accusing the guy of being a rapist, then you are being deliberately obtuse. There is a _big_ difference between an 18-year old and a 28-year old. My best friend’s sophomore roommate (the one with the naked one-eyed biker dudes) did feel very comfortable dating men that old–and much older. In fact, the naked one-eyed biker dude had a long gray beard. My best friend was not comfortable having strange older men in the room, and I don’t blame her. I don’t want to make any generalizations about older men or internet romance, but this situation doesn’t seem quite kosher to me. The age difference and the fact that he is a total stranger makes me AoTL nervous–and makes me nervous too. ---
**Author:** ![Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angel_of_the_lord/32/2949_2.png) [@Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angel_of_the_Lord)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2001, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/57 "2001-09-05T16:33:35Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by The Ryan \* > \*\* > No, I’m insulted by her assumptions, and I’m even more insulted by the way you (and I’m using the word in its plural sense) have completely ignored what I and other people have said, preferring shrill knee-jerk responses to honest communication._\* …I operated on the assumption that the guy _could_ be a rapist. I did not personally suspect him of being a rapist. Like I said earlier. . .I had never met the guy. I had no basis upon which to make personal judgements. In cases such as that, where a wrong decision has the potential to seriously harm my well-being, I act as though the worst-case scenario is, in fact, the truth. You, as a male, do not know what a powerful thing that the fear of rape is. It’s going to make me act cautiously. > [@](#): > > **None of that explains how it improves her safety.** Posting this helped keep me from blowing up at my roommate. It allowed me to release some of my frustration. Perhaps this improved my safety by saving my relations with my roommate. . .or maybe it just made me feel better. I mean, come on, this is the Pit. Does a rant about stupid customers at restaurants make a waiter’s job any easier? Does it keep stupid people from coming to restaurants? No. Does it make the waiter feel better? Fuck, yes! > [@](#): > > \*\* So, what is it that bothers you so much? That someone dared to express on a message board that in the particular situation, one of her concerns was the slim (but possible) risk of rape? > Do you really not understand the difference between “I’m concerned that this man might be a rapist” and “This man is a rapist, or something like that”? \*\* Yeah, hon, I do. That’s why I said that he _might_ be a rapist. Where did I say that he _was_ a rapist? Where? I didn’t! Did you even bother reading the OP? Or did you just assume that I’d made an accusation based upon what other people had written about it? Christ, if you can’t be bothered to read the fucking OP, don’t bother posting. > [@](#): > > \*\* > If not posting a rant on a message board were to somehow constitute “putting herself at risk” you’d actually have a point. But since it doesn’t, your implication that an objection to a rant is somehow an expectation that women put themselves at risk is absolutely ridiculous.\*\* You’ve basically said that, since I didn’t want to allow a strange man in my room because I thought that he could potentially be a rapist, I have accused the man of being a rapist, and have therefore crossed some sort of invisible taboo line. By your logic, I shouldn’t have “accused” the man of being a rapist, and therefore shouldn’t have thought that he could potentially be a rapist. Extending this point, using your logic, I should have had no problem with having him in my room, because he posed no threat (I would have no problem with hosting a familiar guy in the room, or even a guy that she had known outside of the computer screen for a long period of time). However, if one has the native intelligence of a rather mentally challenged muskrat, one should conclude that, yes, having a strange man in a woman’s room is a risk. According to your logic, I should have had no problem with this, and therefore should have had no reservations about putting myself at risk. > [@](#): > > \*\*Unless you think that the statement “I’m not comfortable with you being in my room” is logically equivalent to “I think you’re a rapist” :rolleyes:. \*\* It’s not. But, again, when did _I_ say “I think you’re a rapist?” Give me a direct quote. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Ryan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7feea3/32.png) [@The\_Ryan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Ryan)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2001, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/58 "2001-09-05T21:20:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by yosemitebabe \* > No where in this statement does she say he IS a rapist. Well, congratulations. You managed to find a statement in the OP which does not include an accusation that the guest is a rapist. So you have now conclusively proven that not every single statement of the OP includes such an accusation. Does this fill you with a sense of accomplishment? > [@](#): > > He’s just a stranger, and she is not comfortable with strangers staying overnight in her house. How many frickin’ times do we have to repeat this?!? Why do you even think that repeating **once** is useful? I get that. That’s not what this discussion is about. > [@](#): > > Sigh. Once again, unless this particular guy frequents the Straight Dope Message Board, recognizes this scenario and KNOWS she’s thinks there is a SMALL risk that maybe, **as a stranger** , he COULD be a rapist - how is he EVER going to know what she secretly is concerned about? And once again you respond to my question with a question. Does or does not the fact that he will probably never read this make whatever is said here okay? > [@](#): > > You obviously aren’t paying attention. When a woman is trying to protect her safety, she often _assumes_ the worst possible scenario is _possible_, when it comes to STRANGERS staying in her house. And tries to react accordingly. Why do you keep saying that I am not paying attention when it is you that isn’t? I did not object to her assuming that rape is possible, I objected to her assuming that it was likely. > [@](#): > > So what? Where did she imply, or any of us imply that posting on a message board improved her safety? People objected to AotL accusing this guy of being a rapist. You responded > [@](#): > > I don’t give a damn if some guys are going to have their feathers ruffled because women are trying to be careful, and cautious. Too damned bad if people like iampunha are somehow offended or ruffled because we wonder or “assume” that strange guys MIGHT be rapists. So you referred to the objection at the accusation as “feathers ruffled because women are trying to be careful”. If objecting to the accusation is getting “feathers ruffled because women are trying to be careful”, then the accusation iteself must be “a woman trying to be careful”. So explain to me, how is going to the SDMB and making accusations a way of being careful? > [@](#): > > By this same logic, no one should have locks on their doors, or have survellience cameras in their stores - because that would be ASSUMING that someone (a “stranger”) might rob them. You clearly do not understand what the phrase “by that same logic” means. It means to apply some train of reasoning to a different situation. It does not mean “make up some ridiculous position and pretend that the other person holds it”. I **never** said that her refusing to allow this guy in her room is an accusation. In fact, I have **repeatedly** told you that I don’t think it is. And yet you keep on acting like I think it is. Do you have some sort of mental dysfunction? Are you simply incapable of actually reading what someone else writes? > [@](#): > > No - you don’t TELL the little girl that you don’t want her wandering alone in your house because for all you know she could steal your dishes. No, instead you post on the message board that you think the little girl is a kleptomaniac intent on removing every object not tied down. > [@](#): > > But what is so terrible about realizing that an _UNKNOWN QUANTITY_ (a “stranger”) could be capable of almost anything? Just what is so terrible about realizing that I have never said that there is anything wrong with that? > [@](#): > > And not wanting to put yourself in a vulnerable position with them? Just how is not posting insults on a message board a “vulnerable position”? > [@](#): > > (As in letting them stay overnight in your home?) When did I say anything about that? **custard dragon** : > [@](#): > > You have been railing about this “baseless accusation” and using it as an excuse to mock women’s fears of rape. When has anyone said that they object to that passage, or called it a baseless accusation? > [@](#): > > It doesn’t matter how many screen names you use to say it, THERE WAS NO ACCUSATION. So now you’re accusing me of using sock puppets? You **really** love those baseless accusations, don’t you? **Angel of the Lord** : > [@](#): > > You’ve basically said that, since I didn’t want to allow a strange man in my room because I thought that he could potentially be a rapist, I have accused the man of being a rapist, and have therefore crossed some sort of invisible taboo line. Oh, really? Where have I said that? Perhaps you should actually read what people write instead of attacking them on the basis of what you think they said. **yosemitebabe** : > [@](#): > > Where does she “accuse” him of being a rapist? Where does she say “I THINK he is a RAPIST”. “I **ACCUSE** him of being a RAPIST.” Please - show me. Where does she do that? **custard dragon** : > [@](#): > > THERE WAS NO ACCUSATION. **Angel of the Lord** : > [@](#): > > Where did I say that he was a rapist? Where? I didn’t! I’m getting really tired of this. I’ve already posted the quote. I’m going to post it one more time, and if anyone ever pretends to not know what I’m talking about, I will feel free to call them the fool that they are. > [@](#): > > If you’re stupid enough to ignore my warnings, fine, get raped, if that’s what he intends to do. ---
**Author:** ![Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/angel_of_the_lord/32/2949_2.png) [@Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angel_of_the_Lord)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2001, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/59 "2001-09-05T21:57:13Z")
> [@](#): > > **I’m getting really tired of this. I’ve already posted the quote. I’m going to post it one more time, and if anyone ever pretends to not know what I’m talking about, I will feel free to call them the fool that they are.** Hm. Let’s see where he’s going with this. . . > [@](#): > > If you’re stupid enough to ignore my warnings, fine, get raped, **if that’s what he intends to do**. \*\* Bolding mine. ---
**Author:** ![Sauron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce7236/32.png) [@Sauron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sauron)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2001, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043/60 "2001-09-05T22:30:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by The Ryan \* > People objected to AotL accusing this guy of being a rapist. > > **Angel of the Lord** : > > > [@](#): > > > > You’ve basically said that, since I didn’t want to allow a strange man in my room because I thought that he could potentially be a rapist, I have accused the man of being a rapist, and have therefore crossed some sort of invisible taboo line. > > Oh, really? Where have I said that? Perhaps you should actually read what people write instead of attacking them on the basis of what you think they said. Ah, the irony … [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/overnight-guests-in-my-dorm-room/79043.md?page=4)