# Oversensitive wife or slightly jerkish husband? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 13, 2010, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240 "2010-05-13T00:25:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/41 "2010-05-13T14:23:28Z")
> [@Cat\_Fight](#): > > While I agree that he’s simply joking, I can’t imagine being married to someone whose sense of humor doesn’t mesh well enough with mine to figure out what I do and don’t find funny. **Sr. Olives** and I have a very similar sense of humor. We make fun of each other a lot, with very black humor, but every once in a while we both run into contexts in which the other person is just a bit too sensitive to Go There. For him, it was teasing him about his ability/knowledge as a mental health professional, because he’s a student right now and is quite insecure about it as it is. For me, it was a crack about me losing my boobs if I ever got breast cancer. My grandmother had breast cancer (in remission nearly 30 years), so I’m not sure what on earth possessed him to make this remark, but he was immediately serious and sorry when he saw how not amused I was. In a relationship, you’re bound to step on your partner’s toes eventually. The thing that matters is whether your respect the other person enough to apologize, and mean it, and knock it off. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/42 "2010-05-13T14:25:13Z")
The problem is you. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/43 "2010-05-13T14:32:22Z")
I don’t know that, at some level, he’s not aware of the nuance in what he’s saying. Of course, if it was me, growing weary of this particular comment, I believe I might be tempted to say; “Y’know there’s a world of difference between, what I do in the kitchen, and destruction or anything requiring any actual “repairing”. Keep this up, and I will provide, for you, some actual destruction in need of, honest to goodness, repair, just so you can appreciate the difference. How would that be?” ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/44 "2010-05-13T14:46:00Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > I don’t know that, at some level, he’s not aware of the nuance in what he’s saying. > > Of course, if it was me, growing weary of this particular comment, I believe I might be tempted to say; “Y’know there’s a world of difference between, what I do in the kitchen, and destruction or anything requiring any actual “repairing”. Keep this up, and I will provide, for you, some actual destruction in need of, honest to goodness, repair, just so you can appreciate the difference. How would that be?” You sound like a keeper! ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/45 "2010-05-13T14:46:41Z")
> [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](#): > > I appreciate everyone’s input. I think it’s a good insight that in a relationship, one can hurt someone’s feelings without being intentionally jerkish. Ding ding ding! We have a winner. Yes. He probably didn’t mean anything by it except to get a smile out of you. Yes, you’re perfectly within your rights to find it tiresome. And the answer there is to talk about it, which you have done. Good! I detect what may be a soupçon of guilt from you…like you wish you could clean as you go, but just haven’t figured out quite how to make that happen with ankle-grabbers around, to which I completely and totally relate! What I do is keep one side of the sink full of soapy water, and toss the mess in there as I go. I don’t always have enough time or hands to \*wash \*the stuff as I go, but at least it’s mostly contained and easier to wash post-dinner. But, that being said, I think the guilt (if it’s really there and I’m not just projecting my own guilt on you!) is mostly or completely self-imposed. He seems, from your description, to be happy with your arrangement…but of course, the best way to find that out is to ask him! ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/46 "2010-05-13T14:53:27Z")
> [@curlcoat](#): > > Does he cook at all, other than boiling water? In our house, the hubby cooks and I clean up and most every time it amazes me the mess he can make. I’ve given up saying anything because I’ve come to assume that one cannot cook well without leaving spots of ingredients all over the place. So it may be that he doesn’t understand that one cannot cook without making a mess (I am assuming that to be true…:D) My wife and I used to do the whole “one cooks, other cleans” routine. After a while we realized that if the cook knows they don’t have to clean, they tend to make a larger mess - many more utensils get used, empty pots get left out to harden instead of put in the sink to soak, etc. It became very easy for the cleaner of the night to resent the cook - “You couldn’t take 10 seconds to put that in the sink?” So we switched to “cook also cleans, other gets the kids ready for bed” , which works much better for us. Of course, we both cook, and are at about a 50/50 split. If one of us was the full time cook, I doubt this would work. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/47 "2010-05-13T15:20:20Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Ding ding ding! We have a winner. > > Yes. He probably didn’t mean anything by it except to get a smile out of you. Yes, you’re perfectly within your rights to find it tiresome. And the answer there is to talk about it, which you have done. Good! > > I detect what may be a soupçon of guilt from you…like you wish you could clean as you go, but just haven’t figured out quite how to make that happen with ankle-grabbers around, to which I completely and totally relate! What I do is keep one side of the sink full of soapy water, and toss the mess in there as I go. I don’t always have enough time or hands to \*wash \*the stuff as I go, but at least it’s mostly contained and easier to wash post-dinner. But, that being said, I think the guilt (if it’s really there and I’m not just projecting my own guilt on you!) is mostly or completely self-imposed. He seems, from your description, to be happy with your arrangement…but of course, the best way to find that out is to ask him! Fuck that. It’s his job to clean. That’s the deal. Why should she do his job for him? She also has nothing to feel guilty about. It’s like you want her to do all the work on ingratiating herself and being a doormat. Fuck that noise. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/48 "2010-05-13T15:32:34Z")
I could see why it would grate because his remarks make it sound as if he’s doing you a favor. He’s thanklessly cleaning up the mess _you_ made in _your_ kitchen. Nevermind the fact, that the reason there is a mess is because you’re cooking food for a family on a daily basis. Sure, he’s just joking and doesn’t mean any harm. But if a joke is said enough times, it starts sounding sincere rather than facetious. In this case, also like a passive aggressive way of demanding gratitude. It’d be like you announcing “I’m finished slaving away at the stove, massa” after cooking dinner every night. To which he would probably say “Here, have a scoobie snack, wench”. I don’t think you were being oversensitive, but it sounds like water under the bridge so no biggie. ---
**Author:** ![Jamaika\_a\_jamaikaiake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7993a0/32.png) [@Jamaika\_a\_jamaikaiake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jamaika_a_jamaikaiake)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/49 "2010-05-13T16:11:09Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > You can’t joke about their faces or their bodies in any way, especially if there’s any possibility for an interpretation that you’re saying there’s something imperfect about them. > > Also, fart jokes. They never think farts are funny, no matter how great of one you just ripped. Who is “they” in this post? Wives? If so, you are perpetuating a false sexist stereotype. ---
**Author:** ![Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/bc8723/32.png) [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unauthorized_Cinnamon)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/50 "2010-05-13T16:15:22Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > Of course, if it was me, growing weary of this particular comment, I believe I might be tempted to say; “Y’know there’s a world of difference between, what I do in the kitchen, and destruction or anything requiring any actual “repairing”. Keep this up, and I will provide, for you, some actual destruction in need of, honest to goodness, repair, just so you can appreciate the difference. How would that be?” Not to worry, our 2yo is in charge of the actual damage to the kitchen. She’s right on top of that. **WhyNot** , how can you hesitate to assume I have guilt? I’m a mother! I’m reminded of Diane Wiessinger talking about women, especially mothers, being steeped in guilt, to the point that she remembers her own mother apologizing for the weather. But to some degree the guilt is useful. That is part of what inspires me to indeed, remember to rinse out a pot, or to pry myself off the couch after the kids are in bed and put something in the sink to soak, so it won’t be a bitchkitty to clean. I’m not a doormat, but I do try to have some consideration for him. I think the repetition probably has played a role as well. Some things I’m fine with over and over (“the cake is a lie” wouldn’t bother me). But yes, when something rubs you the wrong way, even though you know it’s meant harmlessly (the “repair” line), it does start to grate when you hear it for the ten thousandth time. That’s a good point. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/51 "2010-05-13T16:16:29Z")
> [@Jamaika\_a\_jamaikaiake](#): > > Who is “they” in this post? Wives? If so, you are perpetuating a false sexist stereotype. I’ve dated plenty of sexist stereotypes. Row row fight the powah! Perpetuate! Perpetuate! ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/52 "2010-05-13T16:18:50Z")
I guess I’m married to a stereotype. ---
**Author:** ![Jamaika\_a\_jamaikaiake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7993a0/32.png) [@Jamaika\_a\_jamaikaiake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jamaika_a_jamaikaiake)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/53 "2010-05-13T16:31:28Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I guess I’m married to a stereotype. Yes, but you didn’t say “my wife.” You said “they” as if it is true of all wives, which it is not. ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/54 "2010-05-13T16:33:44Z")
I think that kind of “joke” would get old fast. I think next time he’s done you should conduct an inspection and then give him a gold star if everything is cleaned up well. You know, just as a joke. Obviously he needs the attention and for someone to acknowledge his hard work. ---
**Author:** ![curlcoat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea5d25/32.png) [@curlcoat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/curlcoat)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/55 "2010-05-13T16:38:23Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I think it comes down to being bothered, not by the remark itself, but the fact that it’s repetitive. > > I once dated a wonderful girl who would ALWAYS exclaim “Our chariot has arrived” every time the elevator in either of our apartment buildings opened. It was humourous the first time: not so much the 500th time. Anyone who repeats themselves like this just bugs the fuck out of me. > > So, maybe that’s it? Oh wow, I thought I was the only one that felt this way, since I seem to be surrounded by people who have no trouble repeating the same things over and over and ad nauseum. Nice to know I’m not the only one being sent mad by the 2000th telling of the parrot joke! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/56 "2010-05-13T16:40:42Z")
It’s you. But you all worked it out, OP, so it’s all good. My family, like Olive’s, has a very dark sense of humor. We also tend to make everything a joke. Everything. It really helps us to learn to laugh at ourselves, which is good, because then we can pick our battles in life more logically, and not even bother getting offended, especially when one isn’t trying to offend. So it turns out my daughter has a ‘don’t go there’ button. She doesn’t like to be called a ‘weeaboo’ (shout out to Melon and his first pitting). So that is her weak spot. When we joke about her being a weeaboo, she gets offended and she told us so. So we stopped doing it. But it’s her, not us. She is the one that is getting offended over nothing. If she learned to really not get offended when folks are just playing around with her, she wouldn’t have needed us to salve her feelings. She should toughen up, I think. But my husband and I have ceased joking about that. And my daughter did impress me that she was willing to speak up for herself. She would have impressed me more had she learned to take the joke. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/57 "2010-05-13T16:42:33Z")
> [@Jamaika\_a\_jamaikaiake](#): > > Yes, but you didn’t say “my wife.” You said “they” as if it is true of all wives, which it is not. Yes, the reality is that no women are ever sensitive about their looks and they all think fart jokes are hilarious. To a large degree, those particular stereoypes have a basis in truth, but I was being tongue in cheek anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/58 "2010-05-13T17:15:17Z")
> [@Joe Frickin Friday](#): > > Will you marry me? > [@Leaffan](#): > > I get first dibs. I’ll talk to my husband and get back to youse. > [@Leaffan](#): > > I think it comes down to being bothered, not by the remark itself, but the fact that it’s repetitive. > > I once dated a wonderful girl who would ALWAYS exclaim “Our chariot has arrived” every time the elevator in either of our apartment buildings opened. It was humourous the first time: not so much the 500th time. Anyone who repeats themselves like this just bugs the fuck out of me. > > So, maybe that’s it? I do this - just about every time we come home, I say, “Home again, home again, jiggety jig.” I don’t know why. I think my husband ignores it like the white noise it is. > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Yes, the reality is that no women are ever sensitive about their looks and they all think fart jokes are hilarious. > > To a large degree, those particular stereoypes have a basis in truth, but I was being tongue in cheek anyway. You really can’t expect people to be able to tell your tongue-in-cheek pronouncements from on high from your usual pronouncements from on high. Unless they’re all tongue-in-cheek. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/59 "2010-05-13T17:19:24Z")
What a fun game that would be, **Cat**. Always respond to **Dio** as if he was being tongue-in-cheek and actually meant the precise opposite of what he said. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240/60 "2010-05-13T17:50:21Z")
If I meant the opposite, that would be ironic, not tongue in cheek. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/oversensitive-wife-or-slightly-jerkish-husband/539240.md?page=4)