# Parent/Toddler Tantrums Tip Tempers **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 27, 2007, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063 "2007-08-27T07:00:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![shamrock227](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@shamrock227](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shamrock227)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2007, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/101 "2007-08-28T02:24:05Z")
[QUOTE=LurkMeister] Ah, yes…one of the things that drove me nuts when I was a kid. We would be at a relative’s house and my parents would call to us that it was time to go. So all the kids would stop playing and (if necessary) put on our coats…and then have to stand around for a half hour while the adults chatted. But Og forbid us kids should start fidgeting or (in my case) pick up something to read. “I said we were leaving, put that book down.” So I would sigh, put down the book, and wait. And wait, and wait, while they resumed talking. [/QUOTE] AArgh! My Mother _still_ does this and I’m 38. It always goes like this: Mom: Shamrock, honey, I’m tired, let’s go. Me: Sure, Mom. Me: (put on coat, say my goodbyes, and wait for her) Mom: You go start the car, I’ll be right there. (yeah, right :rolleyes: ) Me: Yeah, right. I won’t see you before the turn of the century. Mom: No. No. This time I swear. I’m right behind you. (putting on that “Mom” look) Me: go start car, and wait.. and wait… and wait… get out of car.. go back to house.. Mom: “Well, I didn’t realize you were in a rush. I’m just saying goodbye” (thinking: yeah, while I’m running out of gas, Mom) :smack: It plays this way each and every time we go anywhere. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2007, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/102 "2007-08-28T05:38:04Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by **Fox Frenzy:** > As for those that are thinking me a child; I’m 24. That almost made me pee in my Depends. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2007, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/103 "2007-08-28T10:41:48Z")
[QUOTE=Malthus] :smack: 😃 Yeah, I know. Know what is really maddening? Grandparent smugness. Know what I mean? They look at you, sometimes about to go nuts, and you _know_ they are thinking “you were just as bad if not worse; see how you like it”. And sometimes they say it, just to rub it in. 😉 [/QUOTE] When he got real exasperated with us, Dad would sigh and say “so this is what Mom meant when she’d say ‘my grandchildren shall avenge me’…” I’m 39 and have spent the last 38 or so years asking “why”. Heck, I actually get paid for it! So I would appreciate it if you do not insult my inquisitiveness, _little girl_. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2007, 12:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/104 "2007-08-28T12:27:44Z")
[QUOTE=WhyNot] Grr. Or how about asking a question instead of giving instructions? “Honey snookums, do you want to take a nap now?” Duh, of course not! “Sweetie? Do you want to put on your coat now?” Um…no? “Put on your coat, we’re leaving in 2 minutes” is just so much easier all 'round! [/QUOTE] Sometimes, ime, asking questions can be effective, but you _have to do it the right way_. My youngest kid is very independent, and is much more inclined to be cooperative if she feels she has some control in any given situation. So, questions can help. The trick is, make sure that I give her choices of _only acceptable answers_. If I ask her “Do you want to go to bed now?” she’s going to say “No. I’m not tired yet” (She’s 7; she doesn’t admit to being tired until she’s actually asleep!) But if I say “Do you want to get ready for bed now, or do you want me to set a timer so you can play for 10 more minutes?” she’ll almost certainly choose to play for 10 more minutes, but that’s okay. And it gives her illusion of control much more than if I said “You can play for 10 more minutes, then you have to get ready for bed”. If I say “Do you want to clean up your toys now?” the default answer would be “no”, but if I say “It’s time to clean up; do you want to pick up your Ponies first, or your books?” then she’s got some control, and she’s happier. But the bottom line is she’s still doing what I need her to do, so we’re both happy. Another mistake I see is parents assuming that one approach will work with all children. Even different children of the same two parents will respond better to different approaches. You need to tailor your approach to the child’s temperament. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2007, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/105 "2007-08-28T12:35:53Z")
[QUOTE=norinew] Sometimes, ime, asking questions can be effective, but you _have to do it the right way_. [/QUOTE] Absolutely. My favorite parenting book (Parenting With Love and Logic) references some studies that show people don’t actually care how much control over their life (or their job or their relationships or their hair style) they have, as long as it’s more than they had in the past. Slowly increasing the child’s level of control over things is what keeps kids happy. If you give them too much control too young, then there’s nowhere to go but less control when they make mistakes, and that makes everyone cranky. So we start with little, don’t matter things of control (red socks or white socks?) so they practice making decisions about things we the parents don’t really care about. But it’s really got to be things you don’t care about, or the whole thing crumbles! “Are we leaving the party?” Isn’t a valid question. Mom has an agenda there, and the reality is that we really do have to leave sometime! “Are we leaving now or in 10 minutes?” is a reasonable question, assuming Mom isn’t going to be late for her next appointment by staying 10 minutes longer. “Do you want broccoli or ice cream?” Dumb question. “Do you want broccoli or peas?” Much better question. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2007, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/106 "2007-08-28T12:50:13Z")
[QUOTE=CairoCarol] That almost made me pee in my Depends. [/QUOTE] And this made me wee mine too! It’s okay, they were wet anyway. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2007, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/107 "2007-08-28T13:07:08Z")
[QUOTE=norinew] Sometimes, ime, asking questions can be effective, but you _have to do it the right way_. My youngest kid is very independent, and is much more inclined to be cooperative if she feels she has some control in any given situation. So, questions can help. The trick is, make sure that I give her choices of _only acceptable answers_. If I ask her “Do you want to go to bed now?” she’s going to say “No. I’m not tired yet” (She’s 7; she doesn’t admit to being tired until she’s actually asleep!) But if I say “Do you want to get ready for bed now, or do you want me to set a timer so you can play for 10 more minutes?” she’ll almost certainly choose to play for 10 more minutes, but that’s okay. And it gives her illusion of control much more than if I said “You can play for 10 more minutes, then you have to get ready for bed”. If I say “Do you want to clean up your toys now?” the default answer would be “no”, but if I say “It’s time to clean up; do you want to pick up your Ponies first, or your books?” then she’s got some control, and she’s happier. But the bottom line is she’s still doing what I need her to do, so we’re both happy. [/QUOTE] Preach it! It’s like asking a toddler if they prefer Dora shorts or a Hawaiian dress. Like \*I \* care? I used to, then I had a screaming kid when I tried to force them with no choice into the Dora shorts. Heck, \*they \* don’t care either. It’s a power play, so pick your battles and let 'em win. ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2007, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/108 "2007-08-28T13:23:06Z")
Heh. WhyBaby just announced, for the first time, what she wanted to wear before I could give her the choice. Usually it’s “orange shirt or green shirt? Blue jeans or a skirt?” This morning I walked into her room, and before I could even say good morning, she said, “Mama! Dress! Purplepurplepurplepurple!” And so it begins. 😃 (She got to wear the purple dress. What do I care?) ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2007, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/109 "2007-08-28T13:34:07Z")
Typically I don’t care what they wear – as long as they _do wear something_. “NO NAKED BUTTS IN THE HOUSE!! PUT ON SOME UNDERWEAR!!!” Last year the only way I could get my son out of his pajamas to go to preschool for a couple of hours was to let him _bring his pajamas with him_. 😛 He’d put them in his little cubby and retrieve them afterwards. This summer we started letting them get their own water. Our refrigerator has a dispenser (that they can just barely reach) so I put their cups on a low shelf. They LOVE this. ---
**Author:** ![Tabula\_Rasa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a9adbd/32.png) [@Tabula\_Rasa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tabula_Rasa)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2007, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/110 "2007-08-28T14:39:00Z")
[QUOTE=fessie] Typically I don’t care what they wear – as long as they _do wear something_. “NO NAKED BUTTS IN THE HOUSE!! PUT ON SOME UNDERWEAR!!!” [/QUOTE] Yeah, what kids do out in the yard is their business. Kidding, but the intercept of a screeching naked four year old running across the front yard to attack the mailman with a hoe is fresh on my mind, even though it happened in May. “He shouldn’t oughta be messing with OUR mailbox.” My husband tried reading to him (the kid) from the Iliad, explaining that girding ones loins (if only in Thomas the Tank Engine underpants) before doing battle is prudent practice. Like most of life’s lessons, it didn’t take. But, we replaced the latch on the gate and put the gardening tools up high in the garage. Then, wishing to be thorough, we moved out of town. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2007, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/111 "2007-08-28T14:55:08Z")
[QUOTE=Tabula Rasa] Then, wishing to be thorough, we moved out of town. [/QUOTE] 😃😛😃 Gee you write well. Love it. ---
**Author:** ![Kricket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f14d63/32.png) [@Kricket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kricket)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2007, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/112 "2007-08-28T15:13:36Z")
I had a post but it ended up in the pit. So now there is a space for whitty banter with Fox that won’t clutter up his own thread. Oh, and it’s BROD (bring your own Depends) over there because I can’t afford to be cleaning up after those that need them. You have been warned. [Enter at own risk](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=434482) you will be responsible for your own puddles. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2007, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/113 "2007-08-28T15:46:45Z")
Good stories, y’all. I’ve got no interest in kids of my own (and thus won’t preach to you!) but the image of a four year old ferociously defending his mailbox from the mailman is too funny. ---
**Author:** ![TroubleAgain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e480ec/32.png) [@TroubleAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroubleAgain)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2007, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/114 "2007-08-28T16:07:00Z")
[QUOTE=neutron star] We don’t have to deal with any customers. It’s not tech support. Really, he can’t work without talking, it seems. Our supervisors don’t come in during third shift, so technically I’m in charge of him. Pity me. 😃 [/QUOTE] Ugh. My third-shift lead ended up with one of those (talker, that is). Then I hired part-timer who talks even more! :eek: I thought she was going to go postal on me about that! I’ve had to fire the part-timer, though, and I hope the next part-time operator I hire will work out better, and be quieter! ---
**Author:** ![Jamaika\_a\_jamaikaiake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7993a0/32.png) [@Jamaika\_a\_jamaikaiake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jamaika_a_jamaikaiake)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2007, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/115 "2007-08-28T17:46:31Z")
[QUOTE=Koxinga] I could never stand that comic strip “Cathy”, but there was a funny one, \ [/QUOTE] No, there wasn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Plastic_Ninja)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2007, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/116 "2007-08-29T18:05:30Z")
Oh how well do I remember my childhood experiences! “Mamma, I want this Barbie doll please.” “It’s not your birthday. It’s not Christmas. Put it back, now.” “But I WANT IT!” “No. Not today. And not on your birthday either, now. Do you know why? Because when I say no, I mean no. Whining about it ensures an answer of ‘not only not now, but not ever’.” I was frankly rather astonished that my friend Ginny (not her real name) would start to whine and her mother would NOT say the same thing but instead bought the toy for her. Mom always hated it when I visited Ginny’s because I’d start whining for toys again. “You sound just like Ginny,” she’d say, “but the difference is, her mom lets her get away with it. Yours doesn’t. Don’t try it.” But if I brought a Barbie (or something) to my mother and said “I would really like this on my birthday!” chances are I’d see the doll on the next gift giving holiday ahead… It wouldn’t happen every time, but asking politely once was the only way it would happen. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2007, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/117 "2007-08-29T18:41:42Z")
Question: How bad is it when a kid spills something? ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2007, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/118 "2007-08-29T19:25:51Z")
[QUOTE=Rilchiam] Question: How bad is it when a kid spills something? [/QUOTE] Bwahaha – I have to laugh, because our living room developed an unusual funky odor a week ago. Turned out to be from spilled yogurt smoothie fermenting in the carpet. You’d think that spilling _wouldn’t_ be any kind of big deal at all, cripes we’re only human…BUT when it’s the 30th time they knock over their water that week (despite you constantly telling them to move their cup towards the middle of the table), or it’s something they weren’t supposed to have in the living room anyway, or if they spill milk on a floor _that you just fricking cleaned_, it can make a parent see RED. But no, spills aren’t any kind of issue in the Grand Scheme of Things. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2007, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/119 "2007-08-29T19:26:19Z")
Spills what? The cup of milk at dinner? Some water she got for a drink? The entire gallon bottle of cranberry juice you told her not to touch? Ordinary spills are no big deal. They are to be expected, so you plan accordingly and don’t have your table on a carpet. Kids are supposed to wipe up their own spills once they’re 3 or 4–you show them where the dishtowels are kept and remind them what to do when it happens. A huge spill that is actually due to disobedience (not an honest accident) would earn some sort of punishment, but either way mopping up is involved. But I spill things often enough myself to feel that it wouldn’t be fair to punish an ordinary spill. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2007, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063/120 "2007-08-29T20:04:23Z")
[QUOTE=dangermom] Spills what? The cup of milk at dinner? Some water she got for a drink? The entire gallon bottle of cranberry juice you told her not to touch? [/QUOTE] What if it happens in a restaurant? Not a white-tablecloth place, but a diner. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parent-toddler-tantrums-tip-tempers/417063.md?page=7)