# Parenting: Am I being too much of a hardass? (Involves 19yo son) **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 14, 2017, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313 "2017-09-14T12:57:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2017, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/1 "2017-09-14T12:57:13Z")
My son is 19 and a HS graduate. He’s autistic. The job he is currently working for nearly a year now, he got through a state program. Basically, they get him the job and then assign him a personal trainer (employed by the state) to give him the extra training he needs to do his job. He’s through with his training and is mostly working independently from the state program. Although they do stop by about once every two months or so to monitor his progress. He’s been doing really well. Anyway… His mother called me last night to tell me our son is sick with fever and he won’t be able to make it to work tomorrow. She wants me to call my son’s boss and let him know (she would do it herself, but she will be working and won’t have access to a phone.) I have a problem with this. I feel like calling in sick to work, even when you feel like crap, is a basic responsibility all adults should know how to do. I’m very big on independence and I don’t feel like calling in for him isn’t doing him any favors. I feel like he just needs to suck it up and call his boss on his own.\* Just like the rest of us adults have to do. BTW: This will be his first sick day since he got the job nearly a year ago. So work wise, he’s very dependable. I’m sure his boss appreciates that. So, am I being too much of a hardass?? \*I haven’t talked to my son since he fell ill. He may actually be fine with calling in himself. His mother does tend to baby him a lot. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2017, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/2 "2017-09-14T13:10:50Z")
You’re right in wanting to have him take responsibility in calling his boss to tell him he needs a sick day. I assume that despite his autism, that’s something that is well within his ability to do. Why not simply call your son and gently coach/encourage him to do so? ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2017, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/3 "2017-09-14T13:34:30Z")
Assuming your son is verbal and has used a phone before (I’m guessing this is the case if he’s working largely unsupervised) then I would encourage him to call himself. As you mention, it’s just a basic life skill sort of thing to be able to handle these sort of events. I agree that this is something he should attempt on his own and, since his employer is aware of his situation, I can’t imagine that he’d be harshly judged for even an awkwardly placed call. ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2017, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/4 "2017-09-14T13:48:07Z")
Why doesn’t he (or his Mom) just call or email in tonight? Voicemail is not exactly a 21st century invention, and I’ve never worked somewhere where calling in the night before wouldn’t work. If he does need to call during the day, why can’t he do it? It makes sense to have you call in if he’s going to be unable to, like if he’s lost his voice or is going to be knocked out by drugs during the window to call, or if his autism is so severe he can’t use a phone without breaking down, but unless it’s an exceptional circumstance he should be making his own call. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2017, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/5 "2017-09-14T13:53:11Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > You’re right in wanting to have him take responsibility in calling his boss to tell him he needs a sick day. I assume that despite his autism, that’s something that is well within his ability to do. > > Why not simply call your son and gently coach/encourage him to do so? I agree – it’s something new so you may need to model it for him, but with coaching he should be able to do it, and should learn this. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2017, 2:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/6 "2017-09-14T14:03:48Z")
Welp, that was easy. Just got off the phone with my son. He did call in and his boss wished him a speedy recovery. He didn’t sound like it was a big deal for him at all. Talking to his mother last night, she made it sound like this is something we simply MUST do for our dear sweet helpless child. Gah! I don’t know why I let her get into my head like that! Anyway, thanks for the responses guys. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2017, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/7 "2017-09-14T14:21:53Z")
Awesome. Glad it was no big deal for him and hope he feels better soon. ---
**Author:** ![Xema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/9de053/32.png) [@Xema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Xema)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2017, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/8 "2017-09-14T14:43:11Z")
Your parenting instincts were exactly right here. ---
**Author:** ![watchwolf49](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e9c0ed/32.png) [@watchwolf49](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/watchwolf49)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2017, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/9 "2017-09-14T17:34:11Z")
Wait … your autistic son has held a job for a year? … maybe you should be _giving_ advice over the internet instead of asking … ---
**Author:** ![Doug\_K](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5ac83/32.png) [@Doug\_K](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doug_K)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2017, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/10 "2017-09-14T18:27:33Z")
I’ve had at least one job that hired teenagers that had a policy that you call yourself in unless physically unable. If a parent called in it would be treated as a no call/no show. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2017, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/11 "2017-09-14T18:45:05Z")
Years ago a 25-year-old non-autistic cow-orker had her dad call in sick for her. All present were appalled. Good for **Grrr!** Jr.! mmm ---
**Author:** ![dolphinboy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dolphinboy/32/330_2.png) [@dolphinboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dolphinboy)\ **Post date:** [September 14, 2017, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/12 "2017-09-14T19:39:07Z")
Your instincts were spot on. It sounds like you and your (ex?) wife need to have a discussion. I forced my kids to be independent, even when their mother thought I was pushing them to hard, because that’s how I was raised and it always served me well. If kids learn that their parents will shield them from uncomfortable situations they will grow up unable to deal with reality when they are faced with it. At some point, hopefully not too soon, the parents aren’t going to be around, so kids need to learn to deal with everything they may encounter. The sooner they learn that the better. ---
**Author:** ![Patx2](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/73ab20/32.png) [@Patx2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patx2)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2017, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/13 "2017-09-15T14:34:57Z")
I agree with you. If he is capable of doing it then he should handle it. If the idea of it causes him stress or is extremely outside his comfort zone someone should be with him the first time. He will never learn to do it on his own if he never has a first experience. ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2017, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/14 "2017-09-16T06:49:11Z")
Parenting by autistic radar ain’t easy. You done right! And, more importantly, it seems like not a non event to your son. Sounds like you and the mother are not together. Unsurprising as, what are the stats, 75% of parents with a child on the spectrum get divorced? I can’t imagine trying to do that, but it’s not like you can get off the ride. (Father of a 12 year old on the spectrum. Still married but barely). ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2017, 10:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/15 "2017-09-16T10:32:02Z")
Years ago my parents had a early 20s member of staff whose Mum used to call in ‘sick’ for her almost every Monday. Poor thing was so prone to the dreaded weekend virus, she was always just far too ill to call herself :rolleyes: The weirdest one they ever had was an ~50 year old woman who applied as a volunteer (this was at a zoo, so they got a lot of people asking). They told her that the only volunteer role they currently needed to fill was helping out repainting fences, but if that wasn’t something she was up for, they’d keep her on file next time they had anything else going. She didn’t seem interested, and they thought that was the end of that. Then she got her _big sister_ to call in and complain that she didn’t want to paint stuff, and they were sooo mean asking if she wanted to do something boooring, and they needed to offer her something fun to do. The phrase ‘dodged a bullet there’ springs to mind. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2017, 10:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/16 "2017-09-16T10:51:47Z")
FWIW my 22 yo son is in a trauma room bed in the ER waiting on plastic surgery to start stitching him up and he’s at this moment emailing work to say he is not coming in this afternoon. He’s ok. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/22080_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2017, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/17 "2017-09-16T12:09:49Z")
I become irrationally irritated at overprotective parents of adult children. I know it’s none of my business and I accept that I don’t always know the whole story. It still makes me crazy. I had a sorta-friend thru work who has a son about my daughter’s age. I would talk to her about my daughter’s plans for college while she would nearly weep at the thought of her son striking out on his own. Since we were just sorta-friends, I’d never met her son, and I didn’t know much about him, but I wanted to slap the woman and tell her that a parent’s main job is to prepare any offspring to be independent, functioning members of society. That was right up there with another woman who I knew a little better - she continued to cut up her children’s meat even when they were in junior high!!! I’m surprised she wasn’t spoon-feeding them, too. And I understand on one level. My daughter is 32 and pregnant for the first time. While she and her husband are excited, I know it’s going to be tough on them financially. I’m having to resist the urge to start sending her an allowance. Then I remind myself what my husband and I went thru when she was born, and we survived. I do think the toughest part of parenting is stepping back and letting the kid figure things out, and even deal with failure if necessary. But it’s the right thing to do. So ya done good. ---
**Author:** ![Architect2017](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Architect2017](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Architect2017)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2017, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/18 "2017-09-16T15:02:01Z")
You are correct he can and should call in. As a side note it is very scary and very concerning how Autism has affected so many people. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2017, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/19 "2017-09-16T17:20:01Z")
> [@watchwolf49](#): > > Wait … your autistic son has held a job for a year? … maybe you should be _giving_ advice over the internet instead of asking … No kidding. Only about 25% of people with autism are employed, so the OP, his son, and et. al. are doing something right. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2017, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313/20 "2017-09-16T19:00:41Z")
My childrens first impulse is to call me if they have a problem if any kind…some times it is overwhelming the stuff they feel the need to unload on me…usually advice (sometimes $$)is all they need…but I do feel privileged to be a big part of their lives!! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-am-i-being-too-much-of-a-hardass-involves-19yo-son/796313.md?page=2)