# Parenting conflict: How wrong was I? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 8, 2011, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649 "2011-02-08T14:57:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Valgard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/7feea3/32.png) [@Valgard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valgard)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/21 "2011-02-08T16:58:12Z")
Call the guy up and say something along the lines of “Hey Bob, I’m sorry that I lost my cool in the bowling alley but I was trying to keep an eye on your kid who was [sticking his hand in the ball return/almost got whacked by a 10 pounder/getting under other peoples’ feet] and nobody knew where you were”. You can make it clear that you were concerned about his son’s safety and still apologize for losing your temper at the end. Sounds like it’s worth clearing things up. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/22 "2011-02-08T18:05:47Z")
Ahh. I look forward to the 5 page shitstorm this will turn into. Unfortunately for the OP: This just in! Most people are shitty, inattentive parents. Also unfortunate for the OP, it may cost a friendship or two. ---
**Author:** ![corkboard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@corkboard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/corkboard)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/23 "2011-02-08T18:18:40Z")
> [@Valgard](#): > > Call the guy up and say something along the lines of “Hey Bob, I’m sorry that I lost my cool in the bowling alley but I was trying to keep an eye on your kid who was [sticking his hand in the ball return/almost got whacked by a 10 pounder/getting under other peoples’ feet] and nobody knew where you were”. You can make it clear that you were concerned about his son’s safety and still apologize for losing your temper at the end. Sounds like it’s worth clearing things up. I’d go with this approach. He was a dick, but then so were you. You fought fire with fire and in the end nobody’s any better off. In the future, take the high road. “Oh, hey- I took your name off the list because I didn’t see you for a while. I’ll put you back on. I’ve been keeping an eye on the boys and it looks like they play pretty well together”. ---
**Author:** ![purplehorseshoe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/purplehorseshoe/32/2996_2.png) [@purplehorseshoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehorseshoe)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/24 "2011-02-08T18:27:59Z")
Thanks for the feeback about the dangers; as a non-parent these things don’t ezzactly jump out at me. Yes, ball return = hand squasher. On the other hand, I can’t really think of ANY place where it’s considered safe for a 2-year-old to run around unsupervised, except maybe kid-specific places like Gymboree… The way I see it, this scenario would have played out in exactly the same way no matter where you’d held the party. Is your wife pissed at you? ---
**Author:** ![Labrador\_Deceiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7c8e57/32.png) [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/25 "2011-02-08T18:28:52Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Unfortunately for the OP: This just in! Most people are shitty, inattentive parents. If it does go on for 5 pages, you can rest easy knowing that nothing anyone posts will be dumber than this statement. ---
**Author:** ![diku](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4af34b/32.png) [@diku](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/diku)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/26 "2011-02-08T18:43:27Z")
> [@purplehorseshoe](#): > > Thanks for the feeback about the dangers; as a non-parent these things don’t ezzactly jump out at me. Yes, ball return = hand squasher. > > On the other hand, I can’t really think of ANY place where it’s considered safe for a 2-year-old to run around unsupervised, except maybe kid-specific places like Gymboree… The way I see it, this scenario would have played out in exactly the same way no matter where you’d held the party. > Is your wife pissed at you? Actually, she isn’t. Apparently this is a fairly common theme with him, I just didn’t know anything about it. I do my best to stay out of other people’s or family’s drama. His wife apparently isn’t upset I said something, she just wished I would’ve pulled him aside privately, where he couldn’t just laugh it off. Don’t ask me, I had no history with him until this. Not that this makes me feel better about it, mind you. I know I could have handled it better. And it really annoys me that I spelled reckless wrong. ---
**Author:** ![mckall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eada6e/32.png) [@mckall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mckall)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/27 "2011-02-08T18:47:29Z")
> [@corkboard](#): > > I’d go with this approach. > > He was a dick, but then so were you. You fought fire with fire and in the end nobody’s any better off. In the future, take the high road. “Oh, hey- I took your name off the list because I didn’t see you for a while. I’ll put you back on. I’ve been keeping an eye on the boys and it looks like they play pretty well together”. Agreed on both parts. This kind of thing happens and I’ve had the same type of frustration too. It’s not that I think the guy was a bad parent or anything, but it’s frustrating when you’re watching out for your own kid and it seems like you’ve gotten another one kind of dumped on you. Let cooler heads prevail and you should be able to sort it out. Also; this just in! There are people on the board make sweeping generalizations and usually have zero experience about the topic at hand, especially those who don’t have kids and unleash judgement on all parents! ---
**Author:** ![Caricci](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Caricci](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caricci)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/28 "2011-02-08T18:48:45Z")
Is this the first time he’s ever done something like this? ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/29 "2011-02-08T18:56:50Z")
> [@diku](#): > > I know I could have handled it better. Great. His behavior and your reaction are two separate incidents. Own up to yours and apologize to the dude for calling him out in public like that, Hopefully he’ll take responsibility for his. ---
**Author:** ![AlienVessels](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ba8739/32.png) [@AlienVessels](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AlienVessels)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/30 "2011-02-08T18:59:31Z")
> [@diku](#): > > Actually, she isn’t. Apparently this is a fairly common theme with him, I just didn’t know anything about it. I do my best to stay out of other people’s or family’s drama. His wife apparently isn’t upset I said something, she just wished I would’ve pulled him aside privately, where he couldn’t just laugh it off. Don’t ask me, I had no history with him until this. > > Not that this makes me feel better about it, mind you. I know I could have handled it better. > > And it really annoys me that I spelled reckless wrong. Trust your gut. If the wife can’t handle two and he has no problem wandering off, the same could happen when your kid has a playdate at their house. IMO, tolerating this kind of jerk almost always costs you grief in the long run. While dressing him down in front of the group isn’t the best choice, you made one mistake and he made several. ---
**Author:** ![diku](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4af34b/32.png) [@diku](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/diku)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/31 "2011-02-08T18:59:42Z")
> [@Caricci](#): > > Is this the first time he’s ever done something like this? No idea. First time I ever been around him. From what I’ve since heard from my wife, no. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/32 "2011-02-08T19:01:27Z")
> [@Labrador\_Deceiver](#): > > If it does go on for 5 pages, you can rest easy knowing that nothing anyone posts will be dumber than this statement. You’re cuter than a horse’s ass. ---
**Author:** ![Ca3799](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9f8e36/32.png) [@Ca3799](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ca3799)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/33 "2011-02-08T19:01:51Z")
I think your point was made and not lost on the other family. Now, the next time I saw the other mom and dad, I would apologize and say I was just temporarily cranky from watching all the kids by myself. That way, you get to do both- point out the kid dumping episode and smooth things out fir the moms. ---
**Author:** ![stpauler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@stpauler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stpauler)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/34 "2011-02-08T19:05:23Z")
> [@diku](#): > > His wife apparently isn’t upset I said something, she just wished I would’ve pulled him aside privately, \*\*where he couldn’t just laugh it off. \*\* Yeah, yikes. She’s asking you to help clean her mess too in a roundabout way. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/35 "2011-02-08T19:08:43Z")
> [@diku](#): > > Actually, she isn’t. Apparently this is a fairly common theme with him, I just didn’t know anything about it. I do my best to stay out of other people’s or family’s drama. His wife apparently isn’t upset I said something, she just wished I would’ve pulled him aside privately, where he couldn’t just laugh it off. Don’t ask me, I had no history with him until this. > > Not that this makes me feel better about it, mind you. I know I could have handled it better. > > And it really annoys me that I spelled reckless wrong. Given that, you could have been more grown up, but honestly - this guy is the sort of parent that is just going to do this. Calling on him on it isn’t going to help - but on the other hand, your wife now knows you know. She’s fine, you are fine, the kids will get over it (trust me, they will) - and the asshole who can’t be bothered to watch his own kid - I’m not worried about. In the future, understand that he doesn’t look after his own children. Make sure any invitations to them are in places where children need minimum looking after and you can do it as a group without distractions - like video games or bowling. Don’t choose places where kids need to be supervised for their own safety. If its the sort of “wife’s special birthday” where the bowling alley is important - hire a sitter and share her with your friend. BTW, I chose to handle this by just disallowing all kids at the party. It was ONE person’s kids who were ill behaved (out of the 60 people we have at the party - only ONE parent had kids who required supervision and didn’t give it - the rest all either had kids beyond the need for supervision or supervised their own kids - no, most people are NOT shitty parents) and she couldn’t bother to drag herself away from adult conversation to supervise. And she knows her kids are little shits - she’s quite proud of how well they overcome their challenges (one has ODD, one has sensory disorder) but recognizes they aren’t “normal” kids. It isn’t fair to the other parents that suddenly we have a grown up party and you need to find a sitter - but I’m not having a party to watch someone else’s kids. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/36 "2011-02-08T20:13:50Z")
> [@AlienVessels](#): > > Trust your gut. If the wife can’t handle two and he has no problem wandering off, the same could happen when your kid has a playdate at their house. I’d be less concerned about that. It’s easier to control your own kids in your own house; you’ve already kidproofed the house to the extent you feel the need to, and everybody knows what the rules are. And it’s easier to handle an extra kid or two in the same age group because, again, if your house if proof against your own kids, it’ll probably stand up to your friends’ kids as well. But a bowling alley would be a whole 'nother challenge. Plenty of room to run off into, but you wouldn’t want them doing it. Lots of the aforementioned 16 pound bowling balls that people are swinging or that ball returns are coughing up that a kid could run into. Lots of noise, no familiar play area, yada yada yada. It’s going to be a lot harder to control two kids, ages 4 and 2, in a bowling alley than in your own house, which is the main reason why I’m cutting the kids’ father approximately zero slack. The point of this gathering was for the grownups to have fun together. Instead, he drifted off and had fun by himself, leaving his wife in a situation where she was going to be too stressed to have any fun at all. And that was if everything went well. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/37 "2011-02-08T20:27:49Z")
> [@diku](#): > > His wife apparently isn’t upset I said something, she just wished I would’ve pulled him aside privately, where he couldn’t just laugh it off. This is a compounding element to the situation. You didn’t just criticize his parenting, you got between him and his wife. From his point of view, he left his wife watching the kids, and when he got back, _you_ got after him. So he thinks his wife complained about him to you while he wasn’t there, and you took her side. Or, that his wife screwed up watching them somehow, and by calling him out, you were dumping on her too. ---
**Author:** ![diku](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4af34b/32.png) [@diku](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/diku)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2011, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/38 "2011-02-08T21:05:49Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > This is a compounding element to the situation. You didn’t just criticize his parenting, you got between him and his wife. From his point of view, he left his wife watching the kids, and when he got back, _you_ got after him. So he thinks his wife complained about him to you while he wasn’t there, and you took her side. Or, that his wife screwed up watching them somehow, and by calling him out, you were dumping on her too. Well, apparently from what I’ve now found out, the entire time that the four year old was left with us, the mom had found the father playing DDR with the two year old running around the arcade. So I’m not sure what all the hell was going on, I was just worried about my son and the four year old. While trying to make sure my wife was enjoying her party. ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/39 "2011-02-09T15:00:57Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > You’re cuter than a horse’s ass. **lindsaybluth** , insults such as this are against the rules. You have been politely reminded before to keep a reign on it. As you’ve chosen to ignore this rule, I am issuing you a warning. And don’t do it again please. **Ellen Cherry IMHO Moderator** ---
**Author:** ![newcomer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e5b9ba/32.png) [@newcomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/newcomer)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/40 "2011-02-09T15:23:54Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > One of the wisest things I’ve read is “people don’t feel like they deserve your scorn.” Even if you are 100% in the right, your actions are probably not going to get him to think “Hey, I was wrong. I should change.” People just don’t work like that. All it usually does is make them angry. > > If you don’t mind losing him as a friend that is fine. But if you want to keep him as a friend, your best bet is to learn from this experience how to structure your outings. You’ll need to make it explicit who is in charge of what kids during what periods. You may have to say out loud “Hey, why don’t you watch the kids during this half-hour period, and I watch them the next.” > > To give an example, I had a friend who would compulsively eat large amounts of snack food every time he visited, during a period where snack food was a luxury for me. A bag of chips that was supposed to be my "treat’ for a week would be gone in ten minutes. I got angry at him, but of course he didn’t change…people are who they are. So I started a tradition of stopping by 7-11 before we’d hang out so we could buy our own individual snack food. Problem solved without anger. I agree with the wise saying so I never say it - publicly or privately. The reason being is that a parent like that – with that kind of ignorance – you cannot explain things, they don’t change just because you tell them and, in the end, that is someone who I do not want to have around in future. And based on your suggestions and my experience, it`s just too much work and it`s called accommodating so I`d rather avoid it altogether. I found that parents who have similar sense of awareness usually have kids that my kids get along just fine. I do also agree that there could be some kids that my kids would like to play but at the age where I, as a parent, have to create context for the play I think I’m entitled to calling some shots. As for the OP – I totally understand that but would not do that publicly (nor privately) and in future would consider similar outings. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649.md?page=3)