# Parenting conflict: How wrong was I? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 8, 2011, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649 "2011-02-08T14:57:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/41 "2011-02-09T15:37:42Z")
I just now read something **HeyHomie** posted in [another thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=596252) that made me think of this one: [QUOTE=HeyHomie] My theory - and it’s just that, a theory - is that there’s some form of psychological mechanism that kicks in when parents are around other adults. For whatever reason, this mechanism somehow makes the parent oblivious to their children once they’re around other adults. Maybe their brain subconsciously assumes that their children are the responsibility of The Village (as it were) and so direct supervision is unnecessary. I’ve seen this in action in several places and in several situations (I know, the plural of anecdote is not data). My stepsister and her husband kept their kids on a tight leash while at home; once the kids were at family gatherings, they completely stopped paying attention to their kids at all. It was like they assumed, maybe sub-consciously, that their kids were the responsibility of the other adults in the room. A mom at church is NOTORIOUS for this. Oncer her kids are through the doors of the church, they are the rest of the congregation’s problem, not hers. She obliviously chats away with her friends while her kids run roughshod. [/QUOTE] I wonder if this applies to the father in the OP’s situation. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/42 "2011-02-09T16:47:43Z")
> [@](#): > > It’s going to be a lot harder to control two kids, ages 4 and 2, in a bowling alley than in your own house, which is the main reason why I’m cutting the kids’ father approximately zero slack. The point of this gathering was for the grownups to have fun together. Instead, he drifted off and had fun by himself, leaving his wife in a situation where she was going to be too stressed to have any fun at all. And that was if everything went well. Exactly. There are some people (men and women both) who assume that they can just duck out of ALL responsibility for their kids if other adults are around. And, of course, some people don’t even require other adults around. Bowling alleys are generally family places, but that doesn’t mean that kids, especially toddlers, can be safely left unsupervised to amuse themselves. For instance, running in front of someone who is preparing to release a ball could get a toddler hurt pretty badly. And I’ve played my share of arcade games, it’s quite annoying to have a kid running around loose. It’s not necessarily dangerous to the kid until someone snaps and strangles him, but it’s disrespectful to the other gamers who would like to enjoy their own games. Even if the party had consisted of only adults, I think that it was rude of him to wander off to play an arcade game by himself. It was supposed to be a party. I think that he should have been stricken from the players’ list just because he wandered off. And I think that any future group meetings should probably include a babysitter. Seriously, this guy has entitlement issues. And he’s a piss-poor daddy. I don’t know if I would have called him out, but I’d certainly have been tempted to do so. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/43 "2011-02-09T17:02:42Z")
Honestly, what makes me really sad is that his 4 year old wanted to bowl, and he wouldn’t stop what he was doing to show him how. Those are supposed to be the awesome moments of parenthood, not the times you ditch and go play DDR. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/44 "2011-02-09T17:03:43Z")
I’d have said something like “You’re not on the list any more because you weren’t bowling and nobody could find you, and by the way we’ve had to keep a close eye on your son because he wants to get his hands in between the bowling balls.” That would factually convey that his absence was noted and that his son was in potential danger. ---
**Author:** ![diku](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4af34b/32.png) [@diku](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/diku)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/45 "2011-02-09T17:09:29Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > Honestly, what makes me really sad is that his 4 year old wanted to bowl, and he wouldn’t stop what he was doing to show him how. Those are supposed to be the awesome moments of parenthood, not the times you ditch and go play DDR. Yeah, that bugged me to no end. Probably had a lot to do with what happened. I hated that my son and I had to go up there to help him. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/46 "2011-02-09T17:51:17Z")
> [@diku](#): > > Yeah, that bugged me to no end. Probably had a lot to do with what happened. I hated that my son and I had to go up there to help him. You are going to have decide if you can get over that or not. As anyone with a mother-in-law can tell you, “you’re not a good enough parent” is never a useful thought. You are not going to change his ways through guilt, shame, dirty look, or reasoning. People do what they do for a reason- maybe that is how he was raised, or maybe he is battling depression, or maybe he’s just not a great guy. So you have to decide if you can accept him as a friend despite his parenting, saying to yourself “I don’t approve of it, but it seems to work for him and nobody is getting killed so I can withhold my judgment and focus on what we do like about each other” or if it’s too difficult for you to be around and drop the friendship. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/47 "2011-02-09T18:05:00Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > Honestly, what makes me really sad is that his 4 year old wanted to bowl, and he wouldn’t stop what he was doing to show him how. Those are supposed to be the awesome moments of parenthood, not the times you ditch and go play DDR. This is the main reason I called him a piss-poor daddy. In about eight to ten years, he’s going to wonder why his son doesn’t want to be around him. Teenagers are notorious for being ashamed of their parents’ existence, but this guy has taken the wrong lesson from “Cats in the Cradle”. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/48 "2011-02-09T21:29:51Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > Honestly, what makes me really sad is that his 4 year old wanted to bowl, and he wouldn’t stop what he was doing to show him how. Those are supposed to be the awesome moments of parenthood, not the times you ditch and go play DDR. Truth. I still get tears in my eyes when I think of when I took the Firebug out to show him how to fly a kite. These kinds of moments are absofuckinglutely priceless, the moments I hope I’ll still be able to remember when I’m on my deathbed to remind myself of just how good a ride it’s been. I just can’t imagine wanting to be doing something else at one of those times, and letting somebody else have that moment with my kid. It’s just beyond my comprehension. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/49 "2011-02-09T22:04:44Z")
Uh, we are jumping to some conclusions. For all we know, the kid goes bowling all the time and has a habit of getting really interested for about three minutes before he starts trying to run down the lanes…Dad just can’t get too excited about doing that song and dance again.Or maybe he’s normally a great dad, but has undiagnosed social anxiety issues (perhaps brought on by the idea that stranger are constantly judging him) and needed to take a break. Internet speculation is all fun and games, but this is a real person and it does seem a little bit much to decides he’s such a terrible parent that his teenagers are going to disown him, based on a single second-hand report. ---
**Author:** ![lindsaybluth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90db22/32.png) [@lindsaybluth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lindsaybluth)\ **Post date:** [February 9, 2011, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/50 "2011-02-09T22:07:06Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Or maybe he’s normally a great dad, but has **undiagnosed social anxiety issues** (perhaps brought on by the idea that stranger are constantly judging him) and needed to take a break. . I think we have a winner here. ---
**Author:** ![Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eyebrows_0f_doom/32/3119_2.png) [@Eyebrows\_0f\_Doom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eyebrows_0f_Doom)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/51 "2011-02-10T00:27:53Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Or maybe he’s normally a great dad, but has undiagnosed social anxiety issues (perhaps brought on by the idea that stranger are constantly judging him) and needed to take a break. Internet speculation is all fun and games, but this is a real person and it does seem a little bit much to decides he’s such a terrible parent that his teenagers are going to disown him, based on a single second-hand report. LOL. You remind me of that poster from a few years ago who would defend every person anyone ever criticized by saying “What if they have a medical condition?!!” **Quiddity** something? ---
**Author:** ![SciFiSam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/47e85d/32.png) [@SciFiSam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SciFiSam)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/52 "2011-02-10T01:12:15Z")
> [@UncleRojelio](#): > > You will spend quite a bit more time during your lifetime watching other people’s kids. Your kid will spend quite a bit of time in other people’s care. Take a pill. Yep. And life is also much more enjoyable if, unless you suspect abuse, you hold back from judging other people’s parenting. I’m not judging yours, btw, just giving an opinion (which you asked for) on one specific reaction you had. ---
**Author:** ![j666](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9de0a6/32.png) [@j666](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/j666)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/53 "2011-02-10T01:47:38Z")
I would say you were wrong to chastise your guest. ---
**Author:** ![Ladymarmalade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f05b48/32.png) [@Ladymarmalade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ladymarmalade)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/54 "2011-02-10T05:56:48Z")
Your wife would actually have enjoyed her party much more if you hadn’t screamed at a guest. Yikes. No. People continuously have small judgement lapses or mistakes. If everyone called them out harshly and publicly, you can bet every get together would turn into a hornet’s nest. I think that you should apologize to the guy, straight up and with no mention of how you think you were justified, and button your lip in the future. You got irritated, exaggerated the situation, and overreacted. If my husband had done this I would be mortified. I would think twice about including him in events with other people in the future. ---
**Author:** ![shantih](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f6c823/32.png) [@shantih](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shantih)\ **Post date:** [February 10, 2011, 10:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/55 "2011-02-10T10:07:52Z")
> [@lindsaybluth](#): > > Ahh. I look forward to the 5 page shitstorm this will turn into. > > Unfortunately for the OP: This just in! Most people are shitty, inattentive parents. Also unfortunate for the OP, it may cost a friendship or two. That’s a gross overgeneralization. Most people do the best they can. Being human, that means that everyone will have better and worse moments, but that doesn’t translate into being across-the-board neglectful. OP, honestly, I can see why you’d be irked, but I would have gritted my teeth for the sake of my spouse, it being her party, and not chewed the guy out in front of everyone. That doesn’t mean you couldn’t have answered him calmly (“I took you off the list because I didn’t know where you were and we couldn’t wait for you to take your turn any longer.”), but commenting on someone else’s parenting is inflammatory. For all you knew at the time, he and his wife had sorted out who was responsible for watching their kids. As it turns out, not so much, and I don’t think much of how he behaved either, but I would have been publicly gracious and privately judgemental. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/56 "2011-02-11T11:48:51Z")
It sounds to me like you basically pitted someone in real life. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work. If the guy really needed to be criticized, it would need to happen in private, and be as polite and self referencing as possible. Something about how you were scared for your kid because he wasn’t watching him. He’ll probably think you are a worrywart, but it will leverage the same social expectation for not making waves that prevents you from calling the guy out in public. Social rules often seem unfair, but there’s usually a way of using them for your benefit and accomplishing what you want to do. At least, that’s how I would do it. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/57 "2011-02-11T13:29:59Z")
> [@Ladymarmalade](#): > > Your wife would actually have enjoyed her party much more if you hadn’t screamed at a guest. Yikes. No.\*\* People continuously have small judgement lapses or mistakes.\*\* If everyone called them out harshly and publicly, you can bet every get together would turn into a hornet’s nest. > > I think that you should apologize to the guy, straight up and with no mention of how you think you were justified, and button your lip in the future. You got irritated, exaggerated the situation, and overreacted. If my husband had done this I would be mortified. I would think twice about including him in events with other people in the future. (Bolding mine) Look. You know what you did wrong. What sticks in my craw about threads like this is some posters tend to imply they would never do no such thing. Which is bull shit. Ya’ know what? Hind sight is 20/20. So despite all the finger waggers in this thread, don’t beat yourself up too bad. It could happen to anybody. So call the guy and apologize. Whether he chooses to accept your apology or not will be the true test of who the adults are. ---
**Author:** ![diku](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4af34b/32.png) [@diku](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/diku)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/58 "2011-02-11T14:11:15Z")
Firstly, as the last poster noticed, my thread title said I was wrong. I was just trying to figure out how in the wrong I was. I do feel like I had some justification, but it was still the wrong move. Secondly, and I would assume oddly to most of the people in the thread, I was actually supported at the party by everyone involved, including my wife. Excluding the couple, of course. Thirdly, it’s actually all been settled, at least from my side. I attempted to apologize, and he just laughed me off again and walked away. So, I did what I can do. Kids are fine together, wives are fine, and I’m not required to be around him usually (this was the first time in the year that our kids and wives have been friends), so I’m putting the matter to rest. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/59 "2011-02-11T14:21:11Z")
Just pick up one these inexpensive [kid leashes](http://www.amazon.com/Jeep-90214R-Backpack-Harness-Puppy/dp/B002T44LZU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1297433950&sr=8-1) to have on hand the next time your around him and his kid. Hand it to him along with a beer and say, “I got these for you buddy.” 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Shark\_Sandwich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Shark\_Sandwich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shark_Sandwich)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2011, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649/60 "2011-02-11T16:00:55Z")
> [@Valgard](#): > > Call the guy up and say something along the lines of “Hey Bob, I’m sorry that I lost my cool in the bowling alley but I was trying to keep an eye on your kid who was [sticking his hand in the ball return/almost got whacked by a 10 pounder/getting under other peoples’ feet] and nobody knew where you were”. You can make it clear that you were concerned about his son’s safety and still apologize for losing your temper at the end. Sounds like it’s worth clearing things up. An apology containing the word “but” is no apology at all. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parenting-conflict-how-wrong-was-i/570649.md?page=4)