# Parents and enforcing teen celibacy **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [March 26, 2004, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505 "2004-03-26T04:35:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![One\_And\_Only\_Wanderers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/838e76/32.png) [@One\_And\_Only\_Wanderers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/One_And_Only_Wanderers)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 8:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/21 "2004-03-26T08:57:19Z")
> [@yosemitebabe](#): > > 1. The parents are trying to protect the kids. The parents are legally responsible for the kids. There’s another thread somewhere about how a parent is having to pay a fine because the _kid_ was truant. It was the _kid’s_ actions, but the parent’s having to pay. Why? Because the parent is legally responsible for the kid, and the kid’s welfare is in the parent’s hands. Doesn’t seem fair that the parent should pay for the kid’s misdeeds? I kind of agree. But the fact is, that’s how it works. So, when parents are more responsible, they feel the need to enforce guidelines, “house rules,” and so forth. And the fact is, because they carry more responsibility, they are _entitled_ to enforce more rules and restrictions. Don’t like it? Move out of the house, get a job, and be responsible for yourself in every way. Hell it’s worse than that. There’s a woman here in the UK that has just been sentenced to 2 weeks in jail \*\* for the second time \*\* because her kid plays truant. Also Hypocrisy, in my opinion, is condemning someone for an action which you currently perform. The old ‘Do as I say don’t do as I do’ saw. BUT if however you learned from your mistakes, and no longer act in that way, then what is wrong with trying to steer your kids away from making the mistake in the first place? I am an ex smoker, does that mean that if i have a kid who takes up smoking say at age 10 that i have no moral right to object? even though I no longer smoke? That said, any parent who bragged about their own sexual promiscuity whilst enforcing strict sexual guidelines would be, in my opinion, an asshat. But if they were enforcing those same rules, whilst explaining the negative impacts of their own sexual promiscuity as a teen and the regrets they had, then that would be fine in my book. ---
**Author:** ![caphis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19adc/32.png) [@caphis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/caphis)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 9:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/22 "2004-03-26T09:12:11Z")
> [@yosemitebabe](#): > > But we don’t know that it’s entirely fruitless. > > Just like a parent restricting a kid’s driving (or making them get a job before they can have a car, etc.), parents trying to restrict a kid having sex _may_ prevent some accidents or irresponsibility. At least attempting to prevent their kids from possibly getting pregnant or getting an STD isn’t the same as not trying at all. Trying probably isn’t fruitless. Certanly not 100% effective, but not 100% fruitless either. > > Sometimes, just knowing that a parent is going to be terribly disappointed, or that the parent is going to _make_ them get a job (or put some other “punishment” or restriction on them) might be enough to prevent a kid from doing some frowned-upon activity. They’ll decide that the cons outweigh the pros. Compare that to a parent saying, “Do whatever you want, because I know I can’t stop you and it’s _fruitless_ to even try” and I think there is a difference. At least some of the time. Indeed, you do think like a parent. I’m not sure where you’re from or where you grew up, but it was quite different, in this area at least, for a lot of kids. I don’t purport to know when you grew up, either, but times are a changin’, and what was once sacred no longer is, yadda yadda. ---
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 9:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/23 "2004-03-26T09:27:13Z")
> [@caphis](#): > > Indeed, you do think like a parent. > > I’m not sure where you’re from or where you grew up, but it was quite different, in this area at least, for a lot of kids. I don’t purport to know when you grew up, either, but times are a changin’, and what was once sacred no longer is, yadda yadda. I grew up in Southern California. Lo, so many years ago. 😉 But not so long ago that I didn’t see pregnancy, drugs, and so forth, around me. (Drugs were a particular issue and something that was frequently around me and very available to me. Not that I ever tried any drugs, but hoo boy, they were there.) Not all kids were swayed by their parents’ warnings or feelings of disappointment, but I was. And I daresay I wasn’t the only one. And I don’t know what you mean about “times a changin’.” Do you mean that no parent, nowhere, can tell their kids that they don’t want them to do this or that without any hopes of getting a positive response? That no kid, nowhere, gives a shit about how disappointed their parents might be, and that a threat of disappointment could never have a bearing on how the kid behaves or in what choices the kid makes? I don’t believe that. ---
**Author:** ![robertliguori](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/46a35a/32.png) [@robertliguori](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robertliguori)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/24 "2004-03-26T13:55:49Z")
> [@yosemitebabe](#): > > But we don’t know that it’s entirely fruitless. > Trying probably isn’t fruitless. Certanly not 100% effective, but not 100% fruitless either. Look, the problem is not your kids having sex. The problem is kids having sex and not being physically or emotionally prepared. If you make it inconvienent for your child to have sex in your house, then you may stop them from having some sex, but it almost assured that they will still simply have sex somewhere else. If the goal is to stop the bad things associated with sex, then a safe place and a stock of condoms beats “Not in my house!” every time. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/25 "2004-03-26T14:11:52Z")
I want to jump in here too. I’m tired of hearing about parents who brag about how their kids \*never \* have sex, and _never \* do anything bad. And then all too often they’re the ones with the STDs or the pregnancies. For Og’s_ sake, people, please teach your kids about condoms and birth control and the psychological and emotional ramifications of sex! My parents never even said the word “sex” to me until I was 20, and then it was dad (I’m a girl, it should have been mom, I wanted it to be my mom). The time is past when you let their husbands/wives/lovers teach them about these sort of things. It will serve to make them better people if the people who love them the most teach them. \*I hope the originator of this word doesn’t mind me using it. I like this idea. Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/26 "2004-03-26T14:14:53Z")
We plan on teaching our boys the vagina is a dark and scary place suitable for inserting, say, your tongue or fingers but, under no cicrumstances, your penis. ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/27 "2004-03-26T14:19:28Z")
Funny…when I was in, oh, I think it was my junior year of high school, I acquired a boyfriend. Both of the mothers involved said, “If you want to, go ahead, but BE CAREFUL DAMMIT.” More or less, anyway. I also knew that if I had sex without a ton of precautions, I’d be dead meat if she found out about it. And I certainly didn’t want to get pregnant or get a disease (not that my boyfriend had a disease…he was a virgin as well!). How old was I when I finally did have sex (with somebody else)? 1. Granted this is anecdotal, but I had information and the choice was left up to me. I didn’t want to deal with the consequences, so we didn’t have sex. Certainly not all teenagers would have held out, but being given permission takes the forbidden fun part out of sex, and without that, at seventeen it didn’t seem like the smartest thing I could be doing. ---
**Author:** ![kung\_fu\_lola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f4b2a3/32.png) [@kung\_fu\_lola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kung_fu_lola)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/28 "2004-03-26T16:34:07Z")
> [@Abbie Carmichael](#): > > I’m going to make it as hard as hell for my kid to have sex. Why? Because I don’t want to be stuck raising a grandbaby when my own kid isn’t even grown, and I don’t want to have to pay CHILD SUPPORT on behalf of my son, who got some girl knocked up because I was too afraid of being called a hypocrite by morons like the OP. Why do you automatically assume that your teen will be so careless that they won’t use birth control? Are you planning on raising your child to be irresponsible and ignorant? ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/29 "2004-03-26T17:18:46Z")
> [@kung fu lola](#): > > Why do you automatically assume that your teen will be so careless that they won’t use birth control? Are you planning on raising your child to be irresponsible and ignorant? Even responsible people can end up pregnant. ---
**Author:** ![caphis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19adc/32.png) [@caphis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/caphis)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/30 "2004-03-26T17:48:23Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Even responsible people can end up pregnant. But I bet that more often than not, it’s the irresponsible people that end up pregnant. That said, where do you think responsible sex is more likely to occur-- in a place where the parents have accepted that the kids are probably going to anyway, and thus have a supply of “safe sex” products; or in the bathroom of some movie theater because there’s nowhere else to go? ---
**Author:** ![dublos](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f08c70/32.png) [@dublos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dublos)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/31 "2004-03-26T17:50:33Z")
> [@j\_kat\_251](#): > > Parents and enforcing teen celibacy I think the only problem I have with that is the word **enforcing** You cannot enforce celibacy. Celibacy is a choice, one that your child has to make and not one that you can make for them. Parents should celebrate teen celibacy. Parents should educate about teen celibacy. Parents should educate about every sexually transmitted disease and the responsibilities of teen parenthood. Parents should educate about why celibacy is the easiest method of avoiding all these things, but not leave out the more difficult and less reliable methods of avoiding it if they make a choice other than celibacy. Oh… and if you as a parent actually have a comfortable “talking about sexual stuff with your teen” sort of relationship. Talk about masturbation and that it’s perfectly ok to release some of those teen hormones/sexual tension that way. Don’t expect them to be without sexual release entirely… they are still celibate even if they are off masturbating every 20 minutes. 🙂 (assuming they are doing it alone) ---
**Author:** ![kung\_fu\_lola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f4b2a3/32.png) [@kung\_fu\_lola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kung_fu_lola)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/32 "2004-03-26T18:21:01Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > Even responsible people can end up pregnant. And if they are truly responsible, they A) Take responsibility for raising their own offspring, with their own time and money B) Terminate the pregnancy or C) Give the offspring to someone who would joyfully care for them. **None** of these scenarios resemble what **Abbie Carmichael** described in her post. Popping out a kitten and handing it to Mom so you can finish High School is the height of irresponsibility and it shows selfishness and disrespect towards your parents. My mother raised me with enough respect for her, that I would never have assumed she’d babysit the brat I concieved behind the bleachers after the big game. I always understood that if I was fertile, I and I alone was responsible for the result of my fertility. I behaved accordingly. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2004, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/33 "2004-03-26T18:47:47Z")
> [@yosemitebabe](#): > > It’s the parent’s home. They pay the rent. If they have some guidelines, rules, standards, what have you, about what goes on in that home, they have that right. Yeah, but it often seems to be exercised in a misguided way. When I was 15, after a blow-up over me being “caught” having sex, I got the big “As long as you’re under my roof, you obey my rules” speech. Well, I had plenty of responsibilities by that time, (including in bringing in part of the household income) and didn’t think that the arrangement was equitable, so I moved out the next day and started looking around for a full time job. With hindsight, I think I might be better off today if I didn’t emancipate myself. There’s no way I would have stuck around with that limitation placed on me, though. Not a fucking chance. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/34 "2004-03-27T03:36:42Z")
> [@caphis](#): > > I’m not blaming anyone, I merely pointed out that no matter how hard a parent tries, inevitably, it won’t matter in the end. Whether or not it’s wrong is another topic that I won’t broach beyond making an analogy of a young teen driver. … > Likewise, I don’t think there’s much a parent can do to prevent their child from having sex, if that’s what they want to do. I don’t begrudge any parent who wants the best for their child, but like I said, the reality is that if the kid wants to, the kid will. And it’s great that the parent wants to take such an active role in their child’s life, but quite honestly, there’s not much they CAN do. The parents who’ve posted here have made it quite clear that they’re aware that if kids want to do whatever it is they want to do, that they’ll do it. The “try like hell to prevent it” doesn’t suggest that they’re unaware of that. If anything, ithe other posters have merely illustrated how difficult it is, and the extent to which they care about trying to keep their child safe. People who’ve managed to raise kids to teenhood, and let them live that long are rarely so naive to think that they can force celibacy, short of locks or Juvi hall or something. But the whole point OF the OP was that parents are somehow evil bastards for even attempting to keep their kids safe regarding sexual activity before they’re emotionally and psychologically ready. ---
**Author:** ![Abbie\_Carmichael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/49beb7/32.png) [@Abbie\_Carmichael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abbie_Carmichael)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/35 "2004-03-27T04:28:07Z")
**I feel it’s my duty to inform you that the reality of the situation is that no matter how hard you make it for your kid to have sex, if he/she wants to have sex, he/she will have sex. Whether or not you “make it hard as hell”.** I hope to be the kind of parent that raises a kid who, while she may WANT to have sex, badly, chooses not to because she has a good head on her shoulders and a plan for her future. 🙂 Hell, I managed to graduate from high school a virgin, and I wasn’t the only one in my class, either. If my kid chooses to have sex, it won’t be because I took the “well hell those damn kids are gonna do what they want anyway so I may as well give 'em my blessing” attitude. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/36 "2004-03-27T15:31:56Z")
> [@](#): > > Ah. So you believe that the second a child attains teenhood, a parent should simply throw the doors of their teen’s bedroom open to all and sundry? Except in a literal sense, it’s not the parent’s decision to make. One’s body, even that of a teenager, is one’s own. Attempts on the part of the parent to legislate whether it shall and shall not be used are insulting, dehumanizing, and frankly creepy. My parents, on the other hand, took the rather preferable alternative of setting an example of responsibility, raising me to have my wits about me, allowing me access to information, ensuring with well-timed conversations that I knew what I was doing, and (after a few false starts) as a consequence hereof, turning a blind eye to what I may have been doing out as long as I returned when I said I would and was not obviously stonkered, trusting that I was smart enough not to get myself murdered or infected. The result? I was a slut from the age of 17 until a year or so after I moved out of the house - but I was always safe according to the guidelines issued by my physician and community organizations. I behaved according to the morality and sexual self-understanding I was in the process of building; I had no repercussions and have no regrets. I like their system better than presuming to impose a moratorium on the hormones of teenagers. ---
**Author:** ![Gadfly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/aeb1de/32.png) [@Gadfly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gadfly)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/37 "2004-03-27T16:17:27Z")
> [@Abbie Carmichael](#): > > I hope to be the kind of parent that raises a kid who, while she may WANT to have sex, badly, chooses not to because she has a good head on her shoulders and a plan for her future. 🙂 Abstinence in teenage years != being really responsible. Abstinence in teenage years != having a plan for the future. Abstinence in teenage years = having a hell of a lot of willpower. Teenagers aren’t really supposed to be abstinant. We just aren’t _wired_ that way. Some of those graduating high school that I know are intelligent, have a good grip on their future, and are going to do well. Some are virgins. A good percentage aren’t. As long as they take the necessary precautions, and exercise a little common sense, I really can’t see anything for a parent to be hugely frightened about. But, then, I’m not a parent, so I really have no ground to stand on there. Let’s say, Abbie, you have a daughter (I assume that’s what you want, since you referred to a hypothetical child as “she”). She’s 17, has been going out with a decent guy for maybe 14 months now. She confesses to you that she’s recently had sex with him. It was safe, so there were no repercussions. What would your reaction be? Why? ---
**Author:** ![ZebraShaSha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/eada6e/32.png) [@ZebraShaSha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZebraShaSha)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/38 "2004-03-27T16:22:00Z")
I am 16 and sex, frankly, does not appeal to me at this age. Sure, down the line I may try a thing or two, but I really am not wanting anything sexual at this age. That being said, my parents have never spoken to me about anything close to sex. I doubt they have ever even used the word in something more than a joke. I can be alone with my girly friend, with the door closed, for 6, 7, 8… hell, many, hours at a time. They never even check on us. It is my choice not to have sex, not theirs. (just some acedotal “coming of age” evidence…) ---
**Author:** ![misstee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@misstee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misstee)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/39 "2004-03-27T17:01:20Z")
> [@JuanitaTech](#): > > We plan on teaching our boys the vagina is a dark and scary place suitable for inserting, say, your tongue or fingers but, under no cicrumstances, your penis. Do ya mind if I tell my son this? Also, do you have anything we can tell the girls? \ ---
**Author:** ![kushiel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbce88/32.png) [@kushiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kushiel)\ **Post date:** [March 27, 2004, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505/40 "2004-03-27T22:46:53Z")
Being a 17 year old, I can say that most of the pregnancies around here are with girls who aren’t educated about sex/ignore that education (the ‘it can’t happen to me’ sector) but more than that, aren’t talked to by their parents. It doesn’t take an hour long talk about this stuff. Just a mention of it, saying ‘if you are going to have sex, get protection. Ask me for some money to get some if you need it. My door is always open’ and walking away is fine. I’ve barely said a word to my parents about sex. However, the way I was raised, I understand their expectations for me, and they also extend to drugs and alcohol. So no, I don’t think expecting your kids to be celibate works. But expecting your kids to be responsible and telling them that is. of course, I’m just the loser who wants a dry grad, so it isn’t as if this sex stuff applies to me [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-and-enforcing-teen-celibacy/236505.md?page=3)