# Parents: Do you/would you give your teen permission to have sex? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 7, 2013, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044 "2013-04-07T00:11:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![HeyHomie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heyhomie/32/207_2.png) [@HeyHomie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HeyHomie)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/41 "2013-04-07T17:33:57Z")
I’m not a parent, so take this with a grain of salt. MHO is that any attempt at preventing teenagers from having sex with each other is, at best, foolhardy. My parents’ approach (mid 80’s) was “Don’t have sex until you’re married, but if you’re going to do it, don’t let me catch you\*, and make sure you’re using protection.” Had Mrs. Homie and I had kids, we’d have told them about protection, making sure they’re emotionally ready, etc., but I wouldn’t discourage them from it in any way at all. If we’d had a daughter she’d have gotten on the pill shortly after her first period. \*Mammahomie walked in on me and my gf at the time in various stages of undress. She told her, in no uncertain times, that it was time for her to go home. Then she lectured me for a little while. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/42 "2013-04-07T18:46:05Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > My point is that if you tell your fourteen year old, “I think you should wait to have sex.” what do you answer when he says “How long?”, I don’t think it’s enough to say “You’ll know”, because the fact that he’s asking suggests that he doesn’t know, and wants guidance. If you don’t want to answer “Until you get married”, which I agree is a stupid answer, then what DO you answer? You just tell them, “You can have sex when you’re in college.” It postpones them from having sex now and it encourages them to get good grades. Win win. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/43 "2013-04-07T19:06:24Z")
If I had children, I would give them permission to have sex unless they were preteens or they were in an obviously dangerous situation. However, I wouldn’t bring it up myself unless asked until they were 16, or 15 if they were dating. I’m not sure what type of dating I’d be okay with for a 13 or 14 year old so I can’t really answer w/r/t that. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/44 "2013-04-07T21:29:26Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > You just tell them, “You can have sex when you’re in college.” It postpones them from having sex now and it encourages them to get good grades. Win win. And the chances of this play actually working are…? ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/45 "2013-04-07T21:40:09Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > My point is that if you tell your fourteen year old, “I think you should wait to have sex.” what do you answer when he says “How long?” I would say, until you know you are capable of minimizing the probability of / dealing with any potential adverse consequences. This would include a) emotional ramifications (the women in my family in particular seem to have problems with equating sex with emotional intimacy, even when they were clear about the difference before sex!), b) accidental pregnancy, and c) STDs. (I’m not saying you need to have a detailed plan, just that you are mature enough that you know you could deal with it, if you needed to.) If your plan for accidental pregnancy is “have Mom and Dad deal with it,” you are not ready for sex. By this definition, I knew kids in high school who were ready for sex. I also have known adults who weren’t ready for sex. (I personally wasn’t (emotionally) ready for sex until I was almost thirty – long story about parental control and lack of emotional independence – but I’m not planning on telling my kid that unless she really wants to know, which I’m betting she doesn’t.) (This is, of course, orthogonal to Immunity. I would like to teach my kid that if she really needs help for whatever reason, she can ask for it and it will be fine. If she really did get pregnant in high school or whatever, we’d deal with it. And also I intend to show her how to use condoms, because just because one is not emotionally mature enough for sex doesn’t mean that one is not going to have sex.) That being said, the Kid is 3, so we’ll see how well this works in practice… ETA: All that is to say, of course, that I’m going to bookmark WhyNot’s post and refer to it obsessively over the next fifteen years 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aji_de_gallina/32/260_2.png) [@Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aji_de_Gallina)\ **Post date:** [April 7, 2013, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/46 "2013-04-07T22:14:47Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > I realize we’re coming from very different places, but here’s the deal from my perspective: > > A lot of people believe, usually as part of their religious belief system, that sex with people you’re not married to is wrong. I understand that POV; that was how I used to feel about it myself. I’m less sure about it now, but it’s a moot point: I’ve been married 22 years, and I’m not going to do anything that would undermine the integrity of our marriage, which would include infidelity. > > So I’m OK with people buying into what most Dopers would consider the old-fashioned notion of no sex before marriage. The question to me is, once you believe that, how important is it relative to other things? > > The reality is, having a baby at a young age can really mess up your life. (And those who believe in abstaining from sex before marriage as part of their religious beliefs also tend to be against terminating pregnancies as part of that same belief system, so I’m assuming that’s out.) It throws a major monkey-wrench into three lives: the boy and girl who have to become a man and a woman before their time, and of course the child they conceive, unless they give it up for adoption. > > So as a parent, I have to ask which is more important in God’s eyes: that I teach my son not to have sex before marriage, or to do my best to ensure that he doesn’t screw up his own and two other lives by becoming a father before he’s ready. > > I long ago came down on the side of the second option. YMMV, and probably does, but I did want to try to explain why I came to a different choice, from a perspective that’s at least somewhat closer to yours than most Dopers. First of all, thanks for the politeness. Second I firmly believe that any message that is not “not until you’re married” simply kills the message. Hoewever, we’re pretty scientifi-minded so any and all questions regarding how contraception works will be fully answered, inlcuding of course, our moral position on them. Third, it’s not something that will be the most important worry of my life thinking if my teens are having sex. They know wahat we’ve taught them and, as with anything else, they’ll make their own choices. If I teach something is wrong, I can’t teach how to circumvent my teachings ("Don’t drink and drive, but drive slowly and wear a safety belt if you do). > [@Blackberry](#): > > How can you have a rule about what they can do once they’re adults? The no-farting-on-the-table rule will remain in effect forever. Once they stop living in my house (which in my country means usually late 20s). Anyway, any rule depends on the kids every time they go out of the house. > [@MandaJo](#): > > You would be disappointed if you had a 30-year old child and discovered they were having premaritial sex? > > It seems to me, then, that if you told, say, your 14-year old “Hey, I would really advise you to not have sex at this age”, then you’d have to withdraw that objection at some point, or you are right back at “You’re ready to have sex when you are willing to disobey”. And withdrawing an objection is pretty close to giving permission. In a way, yes. I (statistically) expect that they will and I would not change our relationship. They will never have my permission (even when they no longer need my permission or heed it) > [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Whereas “don’t do it” means, “don’t prepare for it, but if it happens in the heat of passion, that’s understandable.” Kids who get the abstinence-until-marriage message have more unprotected sex resulting in more disease and more pregnancies than kids who get the “use protection” message. If you’re cool with that, you’re cool with that, but if you’re not, you may want to rethink. If the only message about sex is “don’t”, then you’re a stupid parent. If you say “don’t” and give them all the information they could need, then don’t worry. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/47 "2013-04-08T01:22:42Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > And the chances of this play actually working are…? I can guarantee you no kid of mine will be having sex in their teens. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/48 "2013-04-08T01:27:07Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > You just tell them, “You can have sex when you’re in college.” It postpones them from having sex now and it encourages them to get good grades. Win win. So you don’t feel it’s appropriate for teens to have sex, or at least not until they are close to 19, or do you simply feel it’s not appropriate for parents to explicitly endorse sex before that point? ---
**Author:** ![Dostoyevsky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b5a626/32.png) [@Dostoyevsky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dostoyevsky)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/49 "2013-04-08T01:39:31Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > As in my exchange with Little Nemo, I think that for a lot of people “Not actively forbid” is the same as “Give permission”. For example, years ago, “safe sex” advocates often would encourage people to have this conversation with their kids 'I don’t want you having sex as a teenager, I think it’s a bad idea, but if you do, here is the information you need to be safe". The sea-change that has happened in the last ten years involves that first line: should a parent discourage a teen from having sex? Is it generally desirable that teens wait until marriage or, at least, graduation, to have sex? I think that’s what the OP is asking, not if a parent would go to a kid and be like “Ok, you and Jenny have been going steady for six months, and she’s a nice enough girl. We let you start going to third base two months ago, and you mom and I have decided you’re allowed a home run now”. That would just be creepy. Hey, thanks for clarifying the OP for me. I think this is what I was going for. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/50 "2013-04-08T01:42:26Z")
Permission? Fuck no. I \*would \*want her to come to me and talk to me about birth control but I would make my disapproval and disappointment clear. And the boy’s parents would know what was going on, too. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/51 "2013-04-08T01:54:53Z")
> [@Aji\_de\_Gallina](#): > > If I teach something is wrong, I can’t teach how to circumvent my teachings ("Don’t drink and drive, but drive slowly and wear a safety belt if you do). > > … > > If the only message about sex is “don’t”, then you’re a stupid parent. > If you say “don’t” and give them all the information they could need, then don’t worry. These two quotes appear contradictory; could you explain? ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/52 "2013-04-08T02:03:28Z")
> [@PandaBear77](#): > > Permission? Fuck no. > > I \*would \*want her to come to me and talk to me about birth control but I would make my disapproval and disappointment clear. And the boy’s parents would know what was going on, too. And the chances of this play actually working are…? ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/53 "2013-04-08T02:03:39Z")
> [@PandaBear77](#): > > Permission? Fuck no. > > I \*would \*want her to come to me and talk to me about birth control but I would make my disapproval and disappointment clear. And the boy’s parents would know what was going on, too. So at what point would you not disapprove, not be disappointed in her if she had sex? 20? 25? 30? ---
**Author:** ![InsomniaMama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ad7895/32.png) [@InsomniaMama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InsomniaMama)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/54 "2013-04-08T03:16:00Z")
> [@HeyHomie](#): > > If we’d had a daughter she’d have gotten on the pill shortly after her first period. That’s insane. Give her hormones on top of her hormones because why? ---
**Author:** ![HeyHomie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heyhomie/32/207_2.png) [@HeyHomie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HeyHomie)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/55 "2013-04-08T12:02:24Z")
> [@InsomniaMama](#): > > That’s insane. Give her hormones on top of her hormones because why? OK, I exaggerate. But as soon as she started showing interest in being sexually active. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/56 "2013-04-08T13:40:11Z")
> [@InsomniaMama](#): > > That’s insane. Give her hormones on top of her hormones because why? > [@HeyHomie](#): > > OK, I exaggerate. But as soon as she started showing interest in being sexually active. For some (lucky) people, the pill is basically a side-effect free miracle drug. If you are one of those people, or if you believe that experience to be typical, then putting a girl on some sort of hormonal contraceptive as soon as she is fertile is a logical choice. If, on the other hand, you are one of the people for whom any hormonal birth control is a nightmare of mood swings, depression, weight gain, irritability, and complete loss of libido, and even any interest in life, then this advice seems asinine. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/57 "2013-04-08T16:49:44Z")
Not a parent I would fully support my kid to have sex. In fact, I would be creepily enthused about it, to the point where it turns them off to sex. Reverse psychology 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Saraya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Saraya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saraya)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/58 "2013-04-08T17:00:16Z")
> [@Dostoyevsky](#): > > I was having this conversation with a friend the other day. Disclaimer: I have no children and have no opinion on this issue. At least, I don’t I have a dogmatic opinion. Anyway, my friend told me that he verbally gives his 16 year old permission to have sex, so long as the kid uses protection. So, I’m wondering what those of you who are parents think of this. Do you, or would you, give your teens permission to have safe sex, and why or why not? Also, I realize that “allowing” teens to have sex can be ambiguous, since simply not taking some action to stop them (by, say, some extreme measure like locking them in their room) could be seen as allowing sexual activity. Also, saying something like, “If you’re gonna have sex, then do it safely,” might or might not be viewed as allowing one’s kids to have sex. To avoid debating what counts as allowing a teen to have sex, I’m interested in something specific, such as saying, “It’s okay if you do this.” This is part of the ‘compromise’ style that parents use more and more. It parallels the similar approach of “You can drink alcohol, but you have to do it here at the house when we’re around.” What that translates to it is, ‘we can’t trust you, so we’ll meet you half way.’ Or for some parents it also means ‘we don’t know how to stop you or discipline you, so we’ll give in to your demands out of fear of what you might do next.’ Parenting is not a democracy, it’s an absolute. Either your kids do as their told or you knock some sense into them. Any parent who open allows minority sexual relations should be imprisoned. The fact they suggest a condom just shows how utterly vapid they are to think that’s somehow a safety measure - for the real damage is that it increasingly encourages children to engage in risky behavior which will ultimately lead to irrevocable mistakes. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/59 "2013-04-08T19:49:22Z")
> [@Saraya](#): > > Any parent who open allows minority sexual relations should be imprisoned. Do you sometimes post things that aren’t completely nuts? ---
**Author:** ![Altivu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a8b319/32.png) [@Altivu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Altivu)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/60 "2013-04-08T20:12:51Z")
> [@Saraya](#): > > Parenting is not a democracy, it’s an absolute. Either your kids do as their told or you knock some sense into them. :dubious: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044.md?page=4)