# Parents: Do you/would you give your teen permission to have sex? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 7, 2013, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044 "2013-04-07T00:11:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/61 "2013-04-08T20:37:45Z")
Interestingly, my wife and her 3 sisters were told “not until you are married” and they turned out fine. While my wife didnt wait until she was married, she did wait until well into her twenties. Conversely, her older cousin, who was far more permissive with her kids, became a grandmother at 30. I think the best approach is to strive to have a good relationship with your kids and encourage them to wait until they are old enough to deal with the potential fiancial consequences of having children. While my wife’s mom was rather strict with her daughters, she was also honest and upfront with them, and,they have a great relationship. My wife, as a teen, held off on sex because she understood the potential consequences of it. ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/62 "2013-04-08T20:51:38Z")
Would I give my child permission to have sex? No, it’s not mine to give. It is their body and they get to make that decision. The only role I have in my kids’ sex lives is to give them the full and complete picture about what sex is (physically and emotionally) as well as the consequences (again physical and emotional) and hope they make the right decisions at the right time for themselves. My hope is that if they do make a dumb decision (having sex too soon or pregnancy or disease) that they can come to me with it. (My husband, however, is on the opposite side of this. He does not get involved in 'the Talk’s (we have had several about varying sexual type topics already and they are 8 & 9). He has decided that he doesn’t want them to have sex and that he knows they will anyway so he just buries his head in the sand.) ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/63 "2013-04-08T20:55:25Z")
> [@Saraya](#): > > Any parent who open allows minority sexual relations should be imprisoned. . So, two 16 year-olds are having perfectly legal sexual relations, but you want the parents who “permitted” it to go to jail? ---
**Author:** ![Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aji_de_gallina/32/260_2.png) [@Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aji_de_Gallina)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/64 "2013-04-08T22:16:42Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > These two quotes appear contradictory; could you explain? They are not contradictory. The moral rule is clear. I give all the information they need. My kids know they shouldn’t use firearms (in Peru only the owner can use them), but I’ll teach them how to handle them properly. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/65 "2013-04-08T22:50:14Z")
> [@Aji\_de\_Gallina](#): > > They are not contradictory. > The moral rule is clear. > I give all the information they need. …and in so doing, you “teach how to circumvent [your] teachings,” don’t you? ---
**Author:** ![Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aji_de_gallina/32/260_2.png) [@Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aji_de_Gallina)\ **Post date:** [April 8, 2013, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/66 "2013-04-08T23:58:21Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > …and in so doing, you “teach how to circumvent [your] teachings,” don’t you? It’s a sad day in parenting when teaching can become a mistake. I’ll teach them that the throttle makes the car go faster at the same time that I’ll teach them to respect the speed limit. By teaching them that the throttle makes the car faster, am I teaching them how to circumvent the speed limit? ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/67 "2013-04-09T00:43:14Z")
Not a parent, and my own parents and my husband’s parents screwed us over in the whole preparation for sex area. So I have no clue what I’ll do. I personally feel like ANY people ought to be encouraged to not get emotionally and physically entangled with other people before their brains are done baking, but since that’s running somewhere around 25 years old, fat chance on that. I made it to around 21 before I even had a boyfriend, and was a technical virgin at marriage at 25, but I know that’s extremely unlikely as well. I think I’ll just try really hard to inflict logic on them when they’re little, and make sure they know that I’ll love them whatever they do, but I really hope they listen to advice so they don’t get hurt as much by life. It’ll depend on whether the kid is the type that can take advice to heart, or the type that has to burn their own hand to be sure the lesson actually applies to them. Mainly I just hope I can figure out how to deal with my own issues before it becomes necessary to help them along, so I don’t perpetuate the generational screwededness. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/68 "2013-04-09T00:44:09Z")
> [@Aji\_de\_Gallina](#): > > It’s a sad day in parenting when teaching can become a mistake. I’ll teach them that the throttle makes the car go faster at the same time that I’ll teach them to respect the speed limit. By teaching them that the throttle makes the car faster, am I teaching them how to circumvent the speed limit? No, you’re not, which is why I’m totally unclear on what you mean when you say > [@](#): > > If I teach something is wrong, I can’t teach how to circumvent my teachings ("Don’t drink and drive, but drive slowly and wear a safety belt if you do). Are you saying: Good parenting: Don’t have sex until marriage! Condoms plus spermicidal foam are very effective at preventing pregnancy and most STDs. Bad parenting: Don’t have sex until marriage! But if you do, condoms plus spermicidal foam are very effective at preventing pregnancy and most STDs. If that’s not what you’re saying, I’m really not getting the distinction you’re drawing. ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/69 "2013-04-09T01:51:23Z")
Interesting comments. My daughter came to me when she was 14 and asked to go on the birth control pill. I obviously asked her why, she replied to regulate her period. Fairy nuff. Took her to the doctor, Doc had the chat with her, she was happy for me to stay there, doc asked her the same stuff I had about being sexually active, she wasn’t. So she went on the pill. For her it apparently means she doesn’t get a period which she’s happy about and her hormones and moods are pretty level. So when she was 15, she asked me if it was OK if she started “dating” for want of a better term a friend of her brothers who was 18. I knew the kid and gave my blessing for them to “date”, but had a little chat with him first. The chat constituted me putting my arm around his shoulder and saying: “Mate, she is 15. Legal age of consent is 16. Anything happens before her 16th birthday I’ll break both your fucking legs. After she’s 16 it’s up to her”. this conversation was in her full earshot. I have had the conversation with her in general terms how it’s always a good idea not to trust the pill completely and use a condom as well. I’ve heard her giving the same advice to girl friends. So she’s now 21, employed, living with me and after being without a boyfriend for 2 years, has got a new one who sleeps over whenever she’s in the mood to put up with him. Her 23 yr old brother (my unemployed son) also lives with me and his equally unemployed 19 yr old GF. All of em getting a lot more action than I am.☹ ---
**Author:** ![Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aji_de_gallina/32/260_2.png) [@Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aji_de_Gallina)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 3:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/70 "2013-04-09T03:18:11Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > No, you’re not, which is why I’m totally unclear on what you mean when you say > Are you saying: > > Good parenting: Don’t have sex until marriage! Condoms plus spermicidal foam are very effective at preventing pregnancy and most STDs. > Bad parenting: Don’t have sex until marriage! But if you do, condoms plus spermicidal foam are very effective at preventing pregnancy and most STDs. > > If that’s not what you’re saying, I’m really not getting the distinction you’re drawing. Your good-bad comparison is perfect, that’s exactly what I say. ---
**Author:** ![Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/f04885/32.png) [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qin_Shi_Huangdi)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/71 "2013-04-09T03:31:57Z")
Giving the teenager perspective here. While my parents never directly gave me the “talk” about sex they assumed I knew about it and certainly didn’t object when we had Sex Ed in 5th and 7th Grade. While I haven’t talked on this exactly much I think they’re fairly certain that I won’t be having sex anytime soon for various reasons. ---
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/72 "2013-04-09T03:37:37Z")
> [@Aji\_de\_Gallina](#): > > Your good-bad comparison is perfect, that’s exactly what I say. You really think those statements communicate anything different to a kid? ---
**Author:** ![StJoan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bc79bd/32.png) [@StJoan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StJoan)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 8:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/73 "2013-04-09T08:56:44Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Raising responsible sexual adults is a whole lot more involved than Tab A goes in Slot B… But he knows my values, he’s been given plenty of opportunities to discuss and develop his own values, and he knows where the bucket of condoms is in the closet. Well said. ---
**Author:** ![storyteller0910](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@storyteller0910](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/storyteller0910)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/74 "2013-04-09T16:20:12Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > I can guarantee you no kid of mine will be having sex in their teens. Is this a clever little joke, like “no kid of mine with be having sex in their teens because I don’t plan on having kids?” Or do you really believe that you will have children and be able to guarantee that they will refrain from sex until they are 20 years old? ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/75 "2013-04-09T16:23:47Z")
> [@Aji\_de\_Gallina](#): > > Your good-bad comparison is perfect, that’s exactly what I say. I find this astonishing, first because there’s almost no difference between the two, and second because the difference that does exist is only likely to increase the risk of teen pregnancy. Remember, the research shows that kids who receive a very strong no-sex message are less likely to prepare for sex, but not less likely to have sex. The preparation, done with a cool head, looks acceptable to some kids (the kids who receive comprehensive education), but unacceptable to others (the kids who receive a sex=sin message). But the actual decision to have sex is often made in the heat of the moment, and at that point, you’ve either prepared yourself with contraceptives or you haven’t. That moment is not strongly influenced by a no-sex message. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/76 "2013-04-09T18:43:04Z")
> [@storyteller0910](#): > > Is this a clever little joke, like “no kid of mine with be having sex in their teens because I don’t plan on having kids?” > > Or do you really believe that you will have children and be able to guarantee that they will refrain from sex until they are 20 years old? The former. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/77 "2013-04-09T18:43:22Z")
Why would they ask me for permission? That’s just weird and a little bit creepy to me. ---
**Author:** ![Leaper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4bbf92/32.png) [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/78 "2013-04-09T18:53:44Z")
It seems this issue is made more complex by the fact that relatively few parents would totally step out if their underage kid fathered or gave birth to a child. That adds a whole new layer of responsibility and burden to _them_ as well as the kids that mucks things up even further. Plus, _giving_ permission does not necessarily mean one was _asked_ for it to begin with. Unless you’re planning to never talk about sex until it comes up organically. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/79 "2013-04-09T18:54:55Z")
> [@Incubus](#): > > Interestingly, my wife and her 3 sisters were told “not until you are married” and they turned out fine. While my wife didnt wait until she was married, she did wait until well into her twenties. Conversely, her older cousin, who was far more permissive with her kids, became a grandmother at 30. > > I think the best approach is to strive to have a good relationship with your kids and encourage them to wait until they are old enough to deal with the potential fiancial consequences of having children. While my wife’s mom was rather strict with her daughters, she was also honest and upfront with them, and,they have a great relationship. My wife, as a teen, held off on sex because she understood the potential consequences of it. Bingo! Right here^^^, this one^^^. I didn’t give my kids permission to have sex. I didn’t forbid them from having sex. They know my moral beliefs and why I hold them. They know I will love them in any case. They also know the emotional, financial and emotional aspects of sex, because their mother and I told them. None of my kids are married, and I honestly don’t know if the 2 older ones are virgins or not. I do know I’m not yet a grandparent (unless you count their dogs), and that is a very good thing. ---
**Author:** ![Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aji_de_gallina/32/260_2.png) [@Aji\_de\_Gallina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aji_de_Gallina)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2013, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044/80 "2013-04-09T20:09:57Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > You really think those statements communicate anything different to a kid? To MY kids, yes: the moral lesson and the scientific facts. I explain them all sorts of things, like how cyanide kills, I don’t think this in any way lessens my don’t-kill-people message. > [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > I find this astonishing, first because there’s almost no difference between the two, and second because the difference that does exist is only likely to increase the risk of teen pregnancy. Remember, the research shows that kids who receive a very strong no-sex message are less likely to prepare for sex, but not less likely to have sex. The preparation, done with a cool head, looks acceptable to some kids (the kids who receive comprehensive education), but unacceptable to others (the kids who receive a sex=sin message). But the actual decision to have sex is often made in the heat of the moment, and at that point, you’ve either prepared yourself with contraceptives or you haven’t. That moment is not strongly influenced by a no-sex message. I hope I’ll prepare my kids not to make the decision to have sex in a spur of the moment. Well, anyway, that’s my message. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-do-you-would-you-give-your-teen-permission-to-have-sex/655044.md?page=5)