# Parents Don't Properly Punish Me-What Should I Do? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 23, 2011, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436 "2011-04-23T03:58:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2011, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/21 "2011-04-23T04:48:52Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > If the point of the punishment is to correct behavior, then grow up and fix the behavior yourself.\ Couldn’t have said it better myself. No one punishes me for my own bad behaviour; my punishment is that my actions have consequences (stay up too late, be tired for work tomorrow. Eat crap, get fat and unhealthy. Etc.) ---
**Author:** ![friedo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8edcca/32.png) [@friedo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/friedo)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2011, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/22 "2011-04-23T04:49:01Z")
> [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](#): > > I feel that my parents don’t propery punish me enough, so what should I do? :(😕 Masturbate. It’ll keep you from doing anything else. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@The\_Tao\_s\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Tao_s_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2011, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/23 "2011-04-23T04:55:29Z")
> [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](#): > > I feel that my parents don’t propery punish me enough, so what should I do? :(😕 Your a kid, you’re supposed to be making mistakes. Your also switching into being a teenager. A long time ago I was a kid much like you. I was raised around very conservative religious influences. When puberty hit I had some strange ideas. Beliefs that finding women were attractive were horrible evil sins. That I was weak. I wasn’t weak and neither are you. You’re a teenage boy. Your brain is adapting to hormones your body is dumping in its self as it builds its up and you become a man. This is a natural part of growing up. Up until now all your experience has been that of being a boy, with narratives and stories with clear good and bad sides, with things clearly being one or the other. It isn’t like that though, it never was, but now you’re approaching a point in life where you can truly understand this. You can’t do anything about the hormones in your head. They exist because you’re human. Whatever force created you, and every other human, put them there. Judging you for them would be like claiming being tall is a sin. It’s just nature, neither good nor evil. What does matter is how you act on them. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2011, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/24 "2011-04-23T05:09:17Z")
If you have done something wrong, correct it. If you’ve been rude, apologize and work hard not to do it again. You will, so like shampoo, rinse and repeat. That’s life. You are human. You will make mistakes and frequently. Take your time, be gentle with others and gentle with yourself. Don’t be in a rush when dealing with others. Social interactions are like a very well prepared meal, and should be savored slowly, even when you don’t think you will like them. I think this is especially important with Asperger’s. Social interaction is the spice of life. Take your time and observe it and people, including yourself. Being 15 isn’t easy, but don’t make it worse with overwhelming guilt. Repair damage and move on. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2011, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/25 "2011-04-23T06:02:18Z")
Maybe your parents realise that you are growing up, and they want you to learn to regulate your own behaviour and correct your own wrongs. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2011, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/26 "2011-04-23T07:39:58Z")
Propounding punishment? Poppycock. Puberty presents pitfalls precipitating plethoric problems. Punishment, perhaps pleasing, perpetuates private pity. Propensity per private pleasure presents present poster problems? Pffft. Perish prevarication. Proceed propery. ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2011, 7:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/27 "2011-04-23T07:50:54Z")
Punishment is not the issue; moving on and devising plans for forgiveness (forgiving yourself too!), understanding your habits and reparations are more worthwhile than any harsh punishment. That, and changing your behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Indygrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@Indygrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Indygrrl)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2011, 7:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/28 "2011-04-23T07:59:30Z")
Look, you seem to be self-aware enough to know that you do/have done things that you feel warrant punishment. Therefore, you should also be aware enough to stop doing the punishable offenses. . In other words, buck up and take responsibility for your own behavior. Don’t wait for your parents to “punish” you to stop being a pain in the arse. Just be respectful towards your parents, and if you must misbehave… stop getting caught! ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2011, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/29 "2011-04-23T14:37:43Z")
Honestly, this is the first time I have _ever_ heard Korean-American parents described as “too lenient” by their child. ---
**Author:** ![Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/f04885/32.png) [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qin_Shi_Huangdi)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2011, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/30 "2011-04-23T16:17:29Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Your parents probably regard the behavioral issues you mention as being part of your Aspeberger’s (or at least think it _might_ be) and are uncomfortable about punishing it. The thing is, if you already know and understand that its inappropriate, then you don’t need punishment, you just need to stop doing it. If you _can’t_ stop doing it, then punishment is even more pointless. > > Do you find your parents emotionally responsive to you in general, or do you find them detached? It occurs to me that you might be subconsciously engaging in those behaviors specifically to try to provoke some kind of emotional response from them. I think they’re emotionally responsive when I do tell them about my problems. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2011, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/31 "2011-04-23T16:55:31Z")
> [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](#): > > I feel that my parents don’t propery punish me enough, so what should I do? :(😕 What do you feel the punishment for presumptuous children should be? ---
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2011, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/32 "2011-04-23T17:39:03Z")
I can’t tell you why your parents don’t punish you, I can only tell you why I don’t punish my kids: it doesn’t work. For most people - children or adults or anywhere in between - a problem has to be worried about and solved by _somebody_. If I as a parent take on that responsibility for things my kid has done, then the kid no longer needs to worry about it. That means the kid won’t learn anything about how to deal with it. On the other hand, if I don’t punish my child, that means he needs to figure out how to right the wrong he’s done. He did it, he needs to worry about it, and he learns how to fix it. (If he asks, I’ll give him ideas for how to fix it, but choosing which one and implementing it are still his job, not mine.) Does this cause anxiety? Absolutely. It’s \*supposed \*to, as his desire to resolve that anxiety is a far better motivation to change than any pressure I could put on him. Think of it this way. If you do something wrong and your parents punish you, then what? You’re done, that’s what. The thing you did wrong is in the past and it’s done, and the punishment is served and so it’s all over. And what did you learn? Unless you’re 2 years old, not much. You may have learned that if you repeat that action, you’ll get punished, but you haven’t learned how not to repeat that option or what you should do instead. If you do something wrong and your parents don’t punish you, but expect you to fix it, then you learn how to fix it. While you’re anxiously stewing over it, you may think of a lot of “I should have done X,Y or Z” instead. Now you know how not to do it again, and what to do instead next time. It’s the difference between the kind of discipline a drill sergeant does to his trainees, and the discipline Jesus had for his disciples. Jesus didn’t punish, Jesus taught. Jesus offered insight, and ideas for how to be a better person, but he didn’t send Judas to his room without any supper, even though he knew Judas was about to do something very bad to him. He lovingly but sadly allowed Judas to betray him, because if he had done anything else, Judas would not have learned his own lesson and regretted his betrayal in the end. So, let me ask you: what could you do differently next time? What purpose does smacking your parents serve you? Is it to get their attention? To let them know you’re frustrated? Is it because you want them to know you love them? Figure out the purpose, and then you can think of other ways to get that need met. If it’s to get their attention, maybe you could call their names or actually say, “I need you to listen to me.” If it’s because you’re frustrated, maybe you could say, “This is very frustrating,” or you could count to 50 silently in your head while taking deep breaths. If it’s to let them know you love them, maybe you could give them a hug, instead, or write them a letter. See - I don’t know what motivates you slapping them, so I can’t solve your problem for you. If I - or they - punished you, you wouldn’t have to look inside your heart and figure out why you’re doing it and what would work better. ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2011, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/33 "2011-04-23T19:30:52Z")
I hope this isn’t too personal but are you in an Aspergers support group? Are your parents? I only ask that because my youngest twin is on the autism spectrum and it’s pretty obvious her brain and thought process is not the same as a neurotypical 6 year old. figuring out the way she’s wired is part of the process in helping her. For example, punishment is about 99% ineffective in her case. A support group may help show where you’re like others and where your thought process is different, and understanding that is pretty useful for anyone (even for neurotypicals). ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2011, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/34 "2011-04-23T21:54:30Z")
nm ---
**Author:** ![Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/f04885/32.png) [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qin_Shi_Huangdi)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2011, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/35 "2011-04-24T01:35:51Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > I can’t tell you why your parents don’t punish you, I can only tell you why I don’t punish my kids: it doesn’t work. > > For most people - children or adults or anywhere in between - a problem has to be worried about and solved by _somebody_. If I as a parent take on that responsibility for things my kid has done, then the kid no longer needs to worry about it. That means the kid won’t learn anything about how to deal with it. > > On the other hand, if I don’t punish my child, that means he needs to figure out how to right the wrong he’s done. He did it, he needs to worry about it, and he learns how to fix it. (If he asks, I’ll give him ideas for how to fix it, but choosing which one and implementing it are still his job, not mine.) Does this cause anxiety? Absolutely. It’s \*supposed \*to, as his desire to resolve that anxiety is a far better motivation to change than any pressure I could put on him. > > Think of it this way. If you do something wrong and your parents punish you, then what? You’re done, that’s what. The thing you did wrong is in the past and it’s done, and the punishment is served and so it’s all over. And what did you learn? Unless you’re 2 years old, not much. You may have learned that if you repeat that action, you’ll get punished, but you haven’t learned how not to repeat that option or what you should do instead. > > If you do something wrong and your parents don’t punish you, but expect you to fix it, then you learn how to fix it. While you’re anxiously stewing over it, you may think of a lot of “I should have done X,Y or Z” instead. Now you know how not to do it again, and what to do instead next time. > > It’s the difference between the kind of discipline a drill sergeant does to his trainees, and the discipline Jesus had for his disciples. Jesus didn’t punish, Jesus taught. Jesus offered insight, and ideas for how to be a better person, but he didn’t send Judas to his room without any supper, even though he knew Judas was about to do something very bad to him. He lovingly but sadly allowed Judas to betray him, because if he had done anything else, Judas would not have learned his own lesson and regretted his betrayal in the end. > > So, let me ask you: what could you do differently next time? What purpose does smacking your parents serve you? Is it to get their attention? To let them know you’re frustrated? Is it because you want them to know you love them? Figure out the purpose, and then you can think of other ways to get that need met. If it’s to get their attention, maybe you could call their names or actually say, “I need you to listen to me.” If it’s because you’re frustrated, maybe you could say, “This is very frustrating,” or you could count to 50 silently in your head while taking deep breaths. If it’s to let them know you love them, maybe you could give them a hug, instead, or write them a letter. See - I don’t know what motivates you slapping them, so I can’t solve your problem for you. If I - or they - punished you, you wouldn’t have to look inside your heart and figure out why you’re doing it and what would work better. I think the slapping (more like light taps) is almost an instinctive reaction when my parents do the same to me. So I suppose I can learn something called patience and respect for parents. > [@China\_Guy](#): > > I hope this isn’t too personal but are you in an Aspergers support group? Are your parents? > > I only ask that because my youngest twin is on the autism spectrum and it’s pretty obvious her brain and thought process is not the same as a neurotypical 6 year old. figuring out the way she’s wired is part of the process in helping her. For example, punishment is about 99% ineffective in her case. > > A support group may help show where you’re like others and where your thought process is different, and understanding that is pretty useful for anyone (even for neurotypicals). I’m not in a support group because my case isn’t severe and I do understand when say my parents verbally rebuke me or so on. ---
**Author:** ![flatlined](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/eb9ed0/32.png) [@flatlined](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flatlined)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2011, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/36 "2011-04-24T06:21:12Z")
In my opinion, you should consdier yourself lucky that they even know that you are around. My parents didn’t notice when I was gone for days at a time, they just yelled at me when they saw me because I hadn’t done the chores. You need to learn to be self correcting. You know what you shoud be doing, you know how to clean your room and how to study, all that stuff. You are a strong person, you can deal with this without someone telling you what to do. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2011, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/37 "2011-04-24T06:51:31Z")
> [@](#): > > If you think you know how to properly punish a teenager, then wait until you’ve got teenagers of your own and implement your plan. My daughter will be 32 in June. When she was a teen, I usually revoked privileges if I felt she needed to be punished. For instance, she got grounded from watching TV, or she got her bedroom door removed. For extreme misbehavior, I would show up at her high school and hug and kiss her in front of EVERYONE. ---
**Author:** ![Hennessy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hennessy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hennessy)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2011, 7:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/38 "2011-04-24T07:52:34Z")
Two options: Option 1: Create punishment What you do is create your own punishment, you don’t want to grow up always getting what you want… Your already see yourself as being punished for not being punished… Option 2: Accept no punishment If you are questioning whether you need punishment or not, you must feel you do, therefore you have nothing to worry about. Live your life with what makes you happy and don’t let no one bring you down, even if they say punishment provides discipline and discipline brings reality or happiness or whatever… Listen to your heart buddy ol’ pal ol’ boy… Create your own punishment or accept no punishment… Simple, what does punishment mean to you? ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2011, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/39 "2011-04-24T15:39:36Z")
I think you are looking for a way to “pay” for doing bad things, so that you can keep doing bad things. This is a very dangerous habit. It’s the main danger of “punishment” in general, to tell you the truth: if you take away the TV for a weekend when a kid breaks curfew, they don’t learn not to break curfew, they learn to only break curfew when it’s worth giving up TV for a weekend. It sends the message that wrong actions can be fixed by an equal amount of suffering, like a karmic cash-register. I kind of wish life worked that way. I wish I could eat a huge slice of cake, and then smack myself across the knuckles until the calories didn’t count: I wish I could drink a margarita and then make a big tearful confession and apology to my ob/gyn, have her yell at me and make me feel worse, and then the alcohol wouldn’t affect my baby. But life isn’t like that. Punishment may pay for sins, but it doesn’t fix them, it doesn’t make them go away. I think that when you do something you regret, you want a way to make it not have happened, and in your mind a severe enough punishment will do that. But it won’t. It will still have happened, and if you aren’t careful that will lead to a cycle of looking for more and more severe punishments in hope that if you suffer enough, you can fix the past. IME, OCD, bulimia, and cutting can all be forms of this kind of thinking. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2011, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436/40 "2011-04-24T16:29:19Z")
You are way too hard on yourself; if your parents don’t “punish” you it’s probably because, in their judgment you don’t need to be punished. If you insist that you need and deserve punishment, you might give some thought to self flagellation. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-dont-properly-punish-me-what-should-i-do/579436.md?page=3)