# Parents keep child's gender secret - seek to raise genderless child **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 24, 2011, 8:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-keep-childs-gender-secret-seek-to-raise-genderless-child/582995 "2011-05-24T08:48:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 2:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-keep-childs-gender-secret-seek-to-raise-genderless-child/582995/61 "2011-05-25T02:32:49Z")
I would think that raising children to do as they wish, regardless of whether it goes against gender norms, would be a lot easier than all THIS. ---
**Author:** ![JohnGalt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johngalt/32/184_2.png) [@JohnGalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnGalt)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-keep-childs-gender-secret-seek-to-raise-genderless-child/582995/62 "2011-05-25T02:40:14Z")
> [@misling](#): > > I remember a bit of fiction from - hm, I think it would be the 70s - in which parents did this exact thing. I can’t quite remember if they named the kid “X” or said the kid’s gender was “X”. It was a touchy-feely story and supposed to be heartwarming, as I recall. At the end of the story, the kid said it knew what gender it was, all along, the point of the story was, the parents didn’t want OTHER people to know, because of the other people’s presumed sexist attitudes toward a kid. > > It was a weird story. The story is X: **A Fabulous Child’s Story** by Lois Gould (you can read it at [http://tiltedworld.org/2009/07/22/boy-or-girl-x-a-fabulous-childs-story-by-lois-gould/](http://tiltedworld.org/2009/07/22/boy-or-girl-x-a-fabulous-childs-story-by-lois-gould/) ). I read it in 1976 so it’s an oldie. ---
**Author:** ![pancakes3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ba9def/32.png) [@pancakes3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pancakes3)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-keep-childs-gender-secret-seek-to-raise-genderless-child/582995/63 "2011-05-25T12:41:56Z")
a) this thread has put in more thought about the implications of not telling the kid its age than the parents have. b)that the parents should take a long hard stare in the mirror and think “am i only raising my kids like a hippy because i myself was socialized as a hippy and wasn’t allowed to explore my mainstream ways? what if my kids secretly want to be raised mainstream and i’m not providing that for them?” they’re clearly pipelining their kids. it’s inevitable. you can raise the kid as gender neutral as you want, but don’t pretend like you’re giving it every opportunity in the world because of it. gender doesn’t limit what a person’s interested in - our limited experiences do. i can’t play hockey, baseball, basketball, football, cricket, rugby, jai alai, AND cheerlead for those teams. there isn’t enough time. and that’s only mainstream sports. what about the basejumping, parasailing, waveboarding, speulunking, mountain biking, and competitive eating circuits? clearly it’s my gender that’s holding me back from excelling in any and all of those things. oh? i can also divert my time to fashion design, website design, font design, product design, auto design, airplane design, OR video editing? but i like to act! sing? dance. i think? so what happens now? i have no guidance and i have to explore it for myself? i have to make a decision now as a 5 year old? well in that case, i’d just rather sit at home, smoke some dope, and yell about how the man is keeping me down. c) this is child abuse. definitely more abusive than spanking. they’re essentially letting the kids raise themselves. would you leave a 5 year old at home alone? would you leave a 5 year old home alone in charge of another 5 year old? of course not. a 5 year old lacks the judgment to govern himself/herself. what a gross neglect of parental obligations! shucking away “responsibilities” under the guise of it being limiting for your child’s potential. d) what if instead of picking the pretty princess route, their kid decided to be megaviolent and beat the other kids with sticks? what’s that? the parents would stop them? why? just because SOCIETY thinks it’s wrong to beat other kids with sticks? no? there’s a innate inner morality within all of us? oh. so this inner morality only pertains to violence? what if he wants to drink paint thinner for breakfast, or stick his penis into wall outlets? what line of parental guidance do these parents draw the line at? clearly it’s at dress and gender, but that seems fairly arbitrary doesn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-keep-childs-gender-secret-seek-to-raise-genderless-child/582995/64 "2011-05-25T12:54:47Z")
> [@pancakes3](#): > > d) what if instead of picking the pretty princess route, their kid decided to be megaviolent and beat the other kids with sticks? what’s that? the parents would stop them? why? just because SOCIETY thinks it’s wrong to beat other kids with sticks? no? there’s a innate inner morality within all of us? oh. so this inner morality only pertains to violence? what if he wants to drink paint thinner for breakfast, or stick his penis into wall outlets? what line of parental guidance do these parents draw the line at? clearly it’s at dress and gender, but that seems fairly arbitrary doesn’t it? Ned Flanders’ mother: “You gotta help us, Doc. We’ve tried nothin’ and we’re fresh out of ideas!” 😃 But seriously, I agree with your assessment entirely. It immediately struck me as a clever ploy, consciously or no, to absolve themselves of any and all responsibility for their own children. Parents are SUPPOSED to set boundaries and provide guidance for their children. If children were capable of doing it themselves, we’d just set them loose upon birth like reptiles. ---
**Author:** ![Hypnagogic\_Jerk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hypnagogic_jerk/32/4252_2.png) [@Hypnagogic\_Jerk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hypnagogic_Jerk)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 1:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-keep-childs-gender-secret-seek-to-raise-genderless-child/582995/65 "2011-05-25T13:37:54Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > I just find it a little… _remarkable_ that “left to their own devices” **all** the boys in this family show an extremely strong affinity for stereotypically glam girly things, and seemingly reject all stereotypically boy things. > > If it was one of the boys I wouldn’t find it odd, but now there are three. methinks “Clever Hans” lives among these childfolk, and the parents are directing and rewarding certain behavior more than they think. I don’t find it hard to believe at all that these parents express approval when the kids gender-bend and not-approval or neutrality when they don’t. Perhaps, although it may also be that culturally, women (and girls) have more freedom to decide for themselves what they like and how they want to be. Girls can like “boy stuff”, and it’s nothing abnormal, but if a boy likes “girl stuff”, now that’s a problem. I wasn’t an especially boyish boy either as a child. If my parents had been like these, perhaps I’d have even been girlish. I figure that sooner or later, Storm will decide what gender he or she is. I mean, the whole fact that transgendered people exist means that people have a gender that is distinct (though dependent) of their physical sex and of how they were socialized. So Storm will know. Let’s just hope that his or her parents will accept his or her decision at the time. However, the fact that the parents are not teaching their other boys how to be perceived as boys by society (when that’s what they would like to be seen as) is somewhat worrisome. Especially since, as I’ve said, being a boy is culturally more restrictive than being a girl. I’d prefer it weren’t so, but it’s not up to me or to these parents. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-keep-childs-gender-secret-seek-to-raise-genderless-child/582995/66 "2011-05-25T20:49:01Z")
> [@Hypnagogic\_Jerk](#): > > Perhaps, although it may also be that culturally, women (and girls) have more freedom to decide for themselves what they like and how they want to be. Girls can like “boy stuff”, and it’s nothing abnormal, but if a boy likes “girl stuff”, now that’s a problem. I wasn’t an especially boyish boy either as a child. If my parents had been like these, perhaps I’d have even been girlish. I do know what you’re saying, but is there any doubt in your mind that if the older son told ol’ mom and dad he wanted to play football with the catholic school league and go for riflery lessons down at the range his parents would absolutely _shit a brick_? You know they would. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2011, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-keep-childs-gender-secret-seek-to-raise-genderless-child/582995/67 "2011-05-25T21:11:28Z")
> [@Long\_Time\_First\_Time](#): > > Being gender neutral is a goal of many parents, particularly those of a certain socio-economic class and mindset. Usually it’s the kids themselves that are extremely rigid as they mature through different stages. > > You could fill a volume the size of the Oxford Dictionary with articles written by “with-it” parents who do everything correctly and then are aghast when little Madison or Shiver insists on playing with dolls and wearing dresses or turns every object from chopsticks on up into a toy gun. The articles are as predictable as the sun coming up the the east. A paragraph on how modern the parents are - how vigilant they are against putting any preconceived notions into their kid’s heads. The second is describing the offensive behavior of their precious tot. Picking Round Heels Barbie instead of the educational puppet set and their cries of “where did I go wrong.” Third paragraph is more hand wringing and the gradual realization that this was not a one off behavior. Their tot ALWAYS prefers to wear the pink dress or ALWAYS wants to play"Army." Then finally, sticky epiphany comes to wrap things up - playing with dolls is just Madison being Madison. Surely it’s better for Madison to have her way than to think that her parents don’t support her in all things 100%. Sometimes being a good parent is all about taking a chill pill and letting your child do what they want to do. Heh, that about describes my brother and his wife to a “T”. 😃 They have two daughters, and with the first swore up and down that she never, never shall wear pink, or buy into all that “princess” girly stuff … well, guess what little Sarah’s favorite colour and choice of toys are … Now, no doubt there are kids who choose different, though statistically they are the minority. Point is, as parent you don’t have, really, all that much influence (which explains also how gender-different kids can emerge from really rigid conservative families - the kid’s gonna be what s/he’s gonna be). What you _can_ do, is not be all dissapproving about your kid’s basic nature, once expressed. That’s not the same as imposing a wackydoodle news blackout on your kid’s sex. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-keep-childs-gender-secret-seek-to-raise-genderless-child/582995.md?page=3)