# Parents who try to control their kids' lives **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 30, 2004, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237 "2004-08-30T14:51:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/101 "2004-09-02T19:37:46Z")
So you believe you are still in authority over them? ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/102 "2004-09-02T19:43:00Z")
Huh? It has nothing to do with authority. If my child is too diminished to make their own competent decisions, I have a responsibility to them to help them in any way I can until such time as they are able to make those decisions again without harming themselves or others. I hope they would do the same for me if the situation was reversed. ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/103 "2004-09-02T19:58:38Z")
Who decides that they’re not competent? ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/104 "2004-09-02T20:05:56Z")
I would say that depends on the situation, wouldn’t you? Whoever is qualified to do so. ---
**Author:** ![catsix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19b73/32.png) [@catsix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/catsix)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/105 "2004-09-02T20:12:05Z")
Then you’re not talking about the kind of involvement that the OP is. You’re talking about extreme circumstances in which someone is mentally incompetent to care for themselves and the kind of things that involve commitment hearings. The OP is talking about a parent who thinks it is her place to denigrate a son’s future wife and cause a scene at a funeral over it… ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/106 "2004-09-02T20:22:07Z")
**Maureen** , you do see the difference between putting someone in rehab and telling them where they can live, with whom they can associate, and what (legal) job they can take? The former is good involvement, and again, it’s not the sort of behavior being pitted. The latter is unhealthily controlling, and it _is_ the sort of behavior being pitted. Let me rephrase my earlier comment: You’re listening, but you’re not hearing what people are saying. ---
**Author:** ![anu-la1979](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/47e85d/32.png) [@anu-la1979](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anu-la1979)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/107 "2004-09-02T20:40:20Z")
I’m having a good time imagining going before a judge and trying to show that someone’s “chit” of a girlfriend has resulted in his diminished competency sufficient to arrange his affairs. haha ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/108 "2004-09-02T20:46:22Z")
> [@catsix](#): > > You’re talking about extreme circumstances in which someone is mentally incompetent to care for themselves and the kind of things that involve commitment hearings. > > The OP is talking about a parent who thinks it is her place to denigrate a son’s future wife and cause a scene at a funeral over it… Ooooooh, so we’re back to the actual thread about the overbearing Jewish mom. (heh. I make a funny.) And here…um…who was it? Ah, yes, **Zoe**. was saying: > [@Zoe](#): > > But then she moved to the broader subject when she started the new thread in the Pit. She can correct me if I am mistaken, but I didn’t think the new topic is limited to that one situation. So. Which is it? Either way, we’ve ridden it to death. If it’s “parents shouldn’t make their adult children’s decisions for them” I’ve agreed to that a few times now. (sorry, **CCL** , that was way back on page one, probably figured saying it a few times was enough to get the gist accross that I thought it was wrong.) If it’s the Jewish mom thing; we’ve covered it. There’s reasons. They’ve been laid out for you. Here and in the other thread. You don’t agree with those reasons. I got that. But that doesn’t mean they’re wrong reasons. Just that, in YOUR opinion they’re bad. I’m sure the Jewish community will give your opinion the respect it deserves. **anu-la1979** , where in hell did you get that? Try to keep up, huh? ---
**Author:** ![anu-la1979](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/47e85d/32.png) [@anu-la1979](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anu-la1979)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/109 "2004-09-02T20:52:28Z")
Actually, Maureen, I completely agreed with you about a parent’s role a zillion posts back but all of a sudden you’re the one talking about diminished legal competency such that you can intervene in your adult child’s life and this entire thread is about stuff like “can you make a fuss about who your kid is bonking at the mo?” so it’s a bit tricky to move from “yeah, I have a right to make a point about who my kid is fucking well past the age of 18” to “I have a right to muck about in my child’s affairs once their competency dimishes.” Are there posts by you I’ve missed or something? ---
**Author:** ![GaWd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f08c70/32.png) [@GaWd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GaWd)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/110 "2004-09-02T21:06:28Z")
she was asked a direct question that had NOTHING to do with the subject at hand and she answered it honestly. What is the fucking problem, anu-la? ---
**Author:** ![Syntropy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Syntropy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Syntropy)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/111 "2004-09-02T21:09:23Z")
No, **anu-la1979** , I don’t think so. You see, **catsix** asked a bunch of brilliantly phrased questions which dazzled my poor simple brain in their psychological complexity, and I was overcome as to whether to say “Yes, you’re right, I secretly plot nights as to how to make my childrens lives turn out exactly as I want them to” or “Oh, I see now, I repent my silly, silly ways and will now follow all your teachings.” :rolleyes: :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![MikeCollins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/bbce88/32.png) [@MikeCollins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeCollins)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2004, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/112 "2004-09-02T23:14:21Z")
Thoughts on the general theme of the OP (excludes linked example for clarity + relevance): I think like anything that it’s about negotiating a fine balance, and the best parents will always manage just that. A child who is taking drugs, a raging alcoholic and on the extension line of death clearly needs some help in rehabilitating himself/herself. Sometimes this _does_ (I hate to say it) require a more hands on approach where you are more actively involved. I say this from having the experience of a druggy for a roomate. Nothing (short of death) in this world was gonna turn him from a drug-addict to a regular person by the 2nd year. Someone had to get involved, an lo and behold, it was his dad. I can fully understand this, because to not do so would seriously have endangered his life. Let’s face it, hardly anyone else was gonna help him. However there is a _big_ difference between intervening when necessary (mostly when an adult son/daughters life is being threatened) and intervening because you believe _you have the automatic right to_. Everybody has opinions - parents are no different in this respect. But there is a difference between _expressing_ thier opinions and _enforcing_ them on the (adult) child. This includes the use of psychological persuasion tactics - threats/use of force/guilt trips/constantly asserting thier opinions once the said child has made it known that they (respectfully) disagree and will not follow etc. And yes, there will always be parents who negotiate that line well, those that cross it a mile in and those that are no-where near it. Wow. For a guy with a really screwed up background that actually made a hell of a lot of sense. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/113 "2004-09-03T01:51:42Z")
Maureen, you seem to have misinterpreted what I said: > [@](#): > > I didn’t think the new topic is limited to that one situation. This is what I did **not** say: “I didn’t think the new topic included that one situation.” > [@](#): > > **Maureen** : So. Which is it? I see no reason why all aspects, including the original situation with the Jewish mother, can’t be discussed in this thread. It doesn’t have to be “either/or,” does it? I have no need to control which “level” anyone wants to discuss. I choose only for myself, and that is by the Grace of the ModGods. I agree with you that there are times when an adult parent may have to intervene. But that is in the most extreme circumstances, and usually a professional’s input is involved. Even then, sometimes mistakes are made. ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/114 "2004-09-03T01:53:35Z")
**MikeCollins** , well said! I would say that you are surviving nicely. ---
**Author:** ![MikeCollins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/bbce88/32.png) [@MikeCollins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeCollins)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2004, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/115 "2004-09-03T21:59:35Z")
Thanks **Zoe**! I think I’ll have an ice cream now 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![1dk\_individuality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/58956e/32.png) [@1dk\_individuality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/1dk_individuality)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2011, 10:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/116 "2011-07-24T10:04:13Z")
i grew up in a family with a jealous bully of a mother who put me down to raise her own confidence. have you ever been an 8th grader with plenty of friends…that dont know a d4mn thing about you or your home life… i have ever been told your beautiful and fun to be around by someone and dont believe them because mommy thinks otherwise and its a mortal sin to disagree… ever choked on tears trying…begging your parents to stop spitting in your face and screaming but you cant speak your so scared everhad your parent freak cause you werent where they last saw you and then blister your hide for accidentally getting lost… and then leave you outside of a grocery store while she drives away just for 5h1t5 and giggles… had your mother chase you around your house trying to give you a shot cause she knows your afraid and she wants to play doctor or leave you on the corner of the road most known for prostitution dealing and drivebys because you said “whatever” or what about two brothers that admit to your parents outrageous and damaging behavior and then tell you your on your own when theyre all you have left because theyre scared too… ever been punched slapped backhanded or whipped anywhere and everywhere with a buffalo nickle belt (leather belt nickles as deco) and left with marks that lasted for weeks or told that you had to leave at only 15 and live on the streets or your father would leave your mother and then getting whatever she feels like dishing you out for ruining her marriage by literally just being different (daddy wanted a sports star but forced you to practice with a torn tendon that hmmmm never seemed to heal mom wnated a cheerleader sorry i was in band guys didnt know you ruin all of our lives over what you wanted your daughter to be…btw older brothers dealt with the same thing got a little worse though the older mom and pop got yay for being the baby and only one to young to leave all those years) im a 19 yr old girl who has a bedtime a list of chores as big as the bible mom copied off of the dustbusters cleaning services webpage no locks on my doors bought my own car but they are the keeper of the keys… i havent drove in weeks an hour a day with friends but only if they pick you up and drop you off afterward… i was even once told… "you can bathe here sleep here and keep your things here but you cant eat here… thats when i decided id rather eat and sleep in my car than get swatted at for touching the fridge annnnnnnnnnd well after dropping 15lbs in 2wks and a few more per week after that because i spent all my money on gas and at the laundry mat so i didnt disgust customers at the store where i worked after begging for just a little love and comfort just a place to spend one night with no luck 3 months later im finally back in theyre hell hole (thank friggin god they still have their pride and that moms friend recognized me and made sure to call the fam and tell them how gross i looked apparently my sickly appearance embarrassed them enough to stop trying to kill me… i have a home food a bed but heyyyyyy guess who got called a crackhead for god knows how long… now try growing up like this… and not even knowing it was wrong… yay for anti depressants and anxiety my daily vitamins or i would have probably lost it and pulled a Sarah Johnson…jk jk i love my parents but… there is no doubt in my mind they are really messed up and have probably screwed me up some too… its sad that i have sworn to myself i will never have children of my own for fear ill snap and ruin their lives as well… i dont think so ponder that ladies. ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2011, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/117 "2011-07-24T15:40:17Z")
Thank you for resurrecting the dead thread. I guess the stream of conciousness, wall of text, my-life-is-worse-than-your-life post is cheaper than therapy. Hope it helped. ---
**Author:** ![Lasciel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e79b87/32.png) [@Lasciel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lasciel)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2011, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/118 "2011-07-24T19:35:32Z")
In total dead earnest here. Perhaps you might want to show that post to whoever is prescribing your “daily vitamin” meds. I have a feeling that they might perhaps be tweaked to work better, and you might find that therapy also would help. Life sucks for a lot of people in a lot of ways, but there’s no reason to not try and get past it if you can. ---
**Author:** ![ZPG\_Zealot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/e47c2d/32.png) [@ZPG\_Zealot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZPG_Zealot)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2011, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/119 "2011-07-25T01:10:51Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > **Maureen** : It’s ironic that you are telling **catsix** that she needs to learn more about Judaism. It’s apparent that you need to learn more about Judaism, too. You say > > If you know so much about Judaism, why is it that you don’t know that conversion is a controversial issue within the Jewish community, and that many Jews don’t accept conversion at all? You can’t just declare yourself a descendant of Abraham, you know. While most secular Jews do generally accept converts as members of the community, there is definitely a pervasive and deep-rooted feeling that converts aren’t really Jews. Really, I was raised around and have continued to associate for both business and social reasons tons of Orthodox Jews including plenty of Hassids and I have never heard of Jews not accepting converts to their type of Judaism as anything other than full-fledged Jews. As one Rabbi said in at a community discussion, “It goes back to the book of Ruth when she said ‘your people shall be my people and your god, my god.’” I know Yenish speaking Roma aren’t considered Jews because even though their dialect and some of their customs indicate they intermixed with Jewish people at one time, but they have other cultural practices that are completely against the laws of Moses. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2011, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237/120 "2011-07-25T04:55:06Z")
I don’t think keeping this zombie open is going to do anyone any good. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-try-to-control-their-kids-lives/262237.md?page=5)