# Parents who won't let go **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 12, 2010, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-wont-let-go/560486 "2010-11-12T21:51:35Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-wont-let-go/560486/41 "2010-11-14T21:40:01Z")
Ah yes. Fear of _What Might Happen_ and _What Others Think_ stopping us from what we want, from what we need, from being who we are. Which do you think, **Sleep Deprivation** , is going to work out best for YOU? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-wont-let-go/560486/42 "2010-11-14T21:57:09Z")
> [@Sleep\_Deprivation](#): > > **Cat Whisperer** , thanks for the link. Definitely interesting reading. > > **elbows** , I’m not having children. (My mother can take the battle for grandchildren up with my sister.) And there’s a fair chance that any long-term partners I might have won’t be of the opposite sex, which is a whole other can of worms… Seems like there is no time like now for setting boundaries and defining how you expect to be treated. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-wont-let-go/560486/43 "2010-11-14T22:27:17Z")
Your parents have given you an ultimatum: follow our plan, or be disowned. They’re going to do this in your career, and it sounds like they’ll do it in your personal life as much as they can. I know this is the hardest thing you’ve done, but I think you should call their bluff. (I know, easy for me to say!) They can either love the daughter they have, or bully you into the appearance of the daughter they want, at an enormous cost to you. Lifelong. Forever. But they can’t create the daughter they want (heterosexual successful lawyer), because she doesn’t exist. And she shouldn’t – she is fiction. You won’t close any doors by being a lawyer for a few years, but you’re only putting off the inevitable. This confrontation is going to come one day. You can’t control that. You _ **can** _ choose the time and place for it. Make it on your terms. Scenario one: They agree to allow you to live your life. You win. Scenario two: They disown you. The worst has happened, and it’s no longer hanging over you. Your daily life is your own. There’s a heavy cost, but you still win. ---
**Author:** ![leander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bcef8e/32.png) [@leander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leander)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-wont-let-go/560486/44 "2010-11-14T22:49:59Z")
> [@Sleep\_Deprivation](#): > > **EvilTOJ** , They’d actually be saying “I have no daughter!”, but you’re spot-on about The Shunning. Frankly, it makes more sense now. I have known quite a few young people from Asia and the culture of obedience is very different from the West. A lot of people don’t realise that. And as a young woman it must be even that much harder. It’s going to take an enormous amount of courage for you to pull free of your parents. I think a lot of people will ultimately respect the hell out of someone who can take such a bold step. Also, FWIW, I’ve seen Asian parents eventually get over things like this - they will guilt and guilt and throw everything but the kitchen sink at you to try to get you to follow their wishes (including threats of “disownment”), but in the end you’re their child and they hopefully will come to terms with it. I’ve seen some do just that. BTW, check out this [interesting thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=585091) about cooks. I’m certainly no chef, but I love fine food and find it fascinating how much passion some people have for cooking. If you’re anything like they are… ---
**Author:** ![Sleep\_Deprivation](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Sleep\_Deprivation](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleep_Deprivation)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-wont-let-go/560486/45 "2010-11-14T23:21:14Z")
**IvoryTowerDenizen** , my parents exhibit a rather unusual mix of Hands-Off Parenting and Total Control Freak. Our battles have historically focused on academics; career is something of a logical extension. They don’t inquire about my personal life, and I don’t offer any information. Though my mother is well aware of my thoughts on children (none for me, thanks.) ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-wont-let-go/560486/46 "2010-11-14T23:29:41Z")
> [@Dr.Drake](#): > > Scenario two: They disown you. The worst has happened, and it’s no longer hanging over you. Your daily life is your own. There’s a heavy cost, but you still win. Yes. When the absolute worst has already happened, there’s nothing left to fear. And I don’t truly believe the worst will happen. Love is not a faucet you can just turn on and off at will–if your parents love you today when you’re a lawyer, they’ll love you tomorrow if you’re a chef. They may be angry and choose not to have contact with you for a while, but they’ll still love you. If that happens, _they_ will have cut off contact. Them, not you. Which sucks, but you can’t control anyone but yourself. And, ultimately, love tends to win out over anger given enough time. I can’t tell you what to do. It’s not my life, and I’m not the one who will have to deal with the consequences of the decision. And no matter how you decide to proceed, there will indeed be consequences, some pretty damn unpleasant ones. You might as well just make your mind up to that because there’s dick-all you can do to avoid it. All you can do is choose which sort of unpleasantness you’re willing to live with, and then pull up your big girl panties and live with it. But whichever unpleasantness you decide to live with, _you must own your decision._ If you choose to stay, no fair pissing and moaning about this awful life your parents forced on you; if you choose to go, no fair pissing and moaning about how your awful, unfair parents cut off contact with you. Then, and only then, will you be a real grown-up. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-wont-let-go/560486/47 "2010-11-14T23:32:41Z")
Nothing is going to change until you decide to change it. Many creative people (actors, musicians) were told that their dream was a dead end and that they should get a “real” job. There’s nothing to be ashamed of by wanting a job as a chef. You can’t live your life for someone else. 1. Get a job so that you can support yourself. 2. Move out. 3. Tell your parents that you’ve heard their wishes and will always appreciate their advice. But you’re going to follow your heart. And if that means that they’ll refuse to see you, then you’ll be heartbroken, but it will be their choice and not yours. Good luck to you. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2010, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-wont-let-go/560486/48 "2010-11-14T23:47:24Z")
> [@Sleep\_Deprivation](#): > > **IvoryTowerDenizen** , my parents exhibit a rather unusual mix of Hands-Off Parenting and Total Control Freak. Our battles have historically focused on academics; career is something of a logical extension. They don’t inquire about my personal life, and I don’t offer any information. Though my mother is well aware of my thoughts on children (none for me, thanks.) I’m glad for that. It would be hard to fight this battle on multiple fronts. ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-wont-let-go/560486/49 "2010-11-15T00:15:33Z")
Seems to me they have what they wanted. You went to university, to law school, you passed the bar. You _are_ a lawyer. From now on, you can just be a lawyer who cooks for a living. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-wont-let-go/560486/50 "2010-11-15T01:10:37Z")
If the future is, effectively, the same fight(s), over same sex partners and lack of grandchildren, then why not just get it over with now? I mean, you went to law school due to their pressure, so you can see where they got the idea that they have the right to make life choices for you. I admire your fortitude, I don’t know many people who could have followed through on something so difficult that they didn’t even want for themselves. Why not muster a little of that fortitude to live your own life? You’re not planning on living in the same country as them, from the sounds of things. So, really, how hard is it going to be to be shunned? It’s not like you’re coming over every Sunday for dinner anyway, at best it will be a long distance relationship. So what is the real cost to you? Can’t have lovey phone calls once a week? Don’t feel welcome to come visit when you like? Not being invited to other family events? Now consider the cost to you, to go along. Which seems higher? ---
**Author:** ![Sleep\_Deprivation](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/65b543/32.png) [@Sleep\_Deprivation](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleep_Deprivation)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-wont-let-go/560486/51 "2010-11-15T01:46:44Z")
**elbows** , as I mentioned above, my mother’s already aware that I have no plans for children, and we don’t discuss my personal life. No sense in borrowing trouble. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [November 15, 2010, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-wont-let-go/560486/52 "2010-11-15T01:49:46Z")
In that case, they have already demonstrated that, on some issues, they are willing to love you even though you don’t fit the mold/follow the dream they hold for you. ‘You don’t discuss your personal life’ is another way of saying they don’t like it, but abide it. I think they’ll come around, myself. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/parents-who-wont-let-go/560486.md?page=2)