# Party Etiquette??? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 2, 2004, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354 "2004-01-02T20:19:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![ice1000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a3d4f5/32.png) [@ice1000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ice1000)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/1 "2004-01-02T20:19:43Z")
Strange thing happened to me at a New Year’s Eve party. My girlfriend and I went to a party of some friends of ours. We only knew the hosts, who were hosting the party at their home. Since they were hosting, we brought creme brulee that we made, rum, daquiry mix and strawberries. Now, about one week before the party, the host told us that we would be having dinner. She said she ordered Joe’s Stone Crabs for each of us. That is a delicacy and expensive so that is why we brought all that stuff. We got to the party and in the middle of dinner, another person asks, “How much do we owe you for the dinner?”. The host replied, 'About $30." Now I was at a loss on how to react. We were never told that we had to pay for dinner and we were lucky that we had cash on hand. The way I’m used to parties is that if you host it you either pay for everything or you ask people to bring a dish or two. That’s the way we do it in my culture (I’m Latin). Did I miss something? Was that strange or is payment for food at a party really the norm? Ivan ---
**Author:** ![unclviny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e274bd/32.png) [@unclviny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/unclviny)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/2 "2004-01-02T20:25:21Z")
I have NEVER been invited to a party where I was expected to pay without being told up front (being asked to pay is rare), and I am not impressed with these people at all!. unclviny ---
**Author:** ![SJSB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@SJSB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SJSB)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/3 "2004-01-02T20:26:45Z")
That strikes me as pretty strange. Also kind of rude, to be honest. Any party that I have ever hosted, I’ve always laid on all the food without question. The same has gone for friends and aquaintances that have held parties themselves. So, IMHO, They were definitely rude. ---
**Author:** ![ice1000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a3d4f5/32.png) [@ice1000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ice1000)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/4 "2004-01-02T20:39:43Z")
I guess we shouldn’t bring this up with them in the future huh? I can’t think of a delicate way to bring it up…maybe we should just avoid attending parties they host. ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/5 "2004-01-02T20:54:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ice1000 \* > \*\*The way I’m used to parties is that if you host it you either pay for everything or you ask people to bring a dish or two. That’s the way we do it in my culture (I’m Latin). Did I miss something? > \*\* That’s what I always do, too, but unless it’s family, I never ask people outright to bring something. They usually ask if they can bring something, and I then say yes (something like sodas, chips, an appetizer or dessert). When I’m invited to a party, I always ask if I can bring something, and depending on the type of party, the hosts will say yes or no. If they say no, I’ll take a bottle of wine anyway. Your experience was a little odd. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/6 "2004-01-02T21:14:54Z")
Did you remember to tip your waitress? I’m mildly appalled by this. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a group of people getting together to have a meal at shared expense (happens at restaurants all the time) but one pre-requisite of such a gathering is that everyone invited be advised well in advance. When I’m invited to someone’s home for a meal I bring flowers and/or a bottle of wine. Bringing a dessert plus drinks and mixers more than fulfilled any obligation you could possibly have to your hosts. Were someone at the end of the evening to ask me to pay for my supper I would reply, “I’m sorry, no one told me I was expected to pay for my meal. I’m afraid I can’t pay it.” I would thank them for a lovely evening, leave immediately and politely decline any and all future invitations from these horrifying boors. It sounds like you handled it with class and dignity. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Serpentine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3be4f8/32.png) [@Silver\_Serpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Serpentine)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/7 "2004-01-02T21:18:16Z")
Rude rude rude rude. Rude. I wouldn’t go to any more of their parties. Or, I’d ask first if I had to pay for the food they’re providing me with (what, are they a resaurant now?) ---
**Author:** ![Zoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a4c791/32.png) [@Zoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zoe)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/8 "2004-01-02T21:25:56Z")
You would have been perfectly justified in not paying one red cent. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/9 "2004-01-02T21:31:33Z")
There is a particular couple in our circle of friends who end up hosting everyone all the time due to their large house - they have started asking us to kick in a couple of bucks for dinners, and we have no problem with that. They let us know in advance, and it is completely understood that we appreciate them hosting everyone every time with very little reciprocity. Being blindsided like you were is a different thing, in my opinion. If your host felt that what she was serving was too expensive, perhaps she should have not served it. ---
**Author:** ![Red\_Matrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/34f0e0/32.png) [@Red\_Matrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Red_Matrix)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/10 "2004-01-02T21:48:34Z")
Invite THEM for dinner and then after they finish, bring them the check/bill. But no, that would be weird… yet fair. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/11 "2004-01-02T22:15:05Z")
My jaw dropped when I read this. That’s appalling! I was mildly annoyed when my mother & stepfather went out to dinner with all us kids to a fancy restaurant after Christmas; when the check came, rather than picking it up (as, in my experience, parents do), she passed it around. I could afford it, as could my wife, sister, and brother-in-law – but my brother and his girlfriend are very poor and self-employed, and really had to stretch to pay for it. But this was fine, if only we’d known about it ahead of time. I would **never** charge people for food I served at a dinner party. That’s really bad. Daniel ---
**Author:** ![burundi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ec8ea/32.png) [@burundi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burundi)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/12 "2004-01-02T23:03:21Z")
That is tacky beyond words, **ice100**. There’s no shame in not being able to afford fancy dinner parties. It _is_ shameful to have a show-offy meal and then expect your friends to pick up the tab. It’s much classier to host a potluck or have friends over for soup and sandwiches than live beyond your means and charge your guests for expensive food. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/13 "2004-01-02T23:10:39Z")
Why does it seem like only polite people post on the SDMB? I would really like to get the perspective of someone who doesn’t think what these people did was wrong. ---
**Author:** ![herman\_and\_bill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/f1d935/32.png) [@herman\_and\_bill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/herman_and_bill)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/14 "2004-01-02T23:10:47Z")
If It was me I would of had creme brulee that we made, rum, daquiry mix and strawberries, wouldn’t of shared it either. ---
**Author:** ![geewhiz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f0a364/32.png) [@geewhiz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/geewhiz)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/15 "2004-01-02T23:24:42Z")
Are sure it was not a joke you were not in on? The way it was done sounded like a joke. The person was probably ribbing them on the price of the food. Unless they out and out ask you for the money, you are not required to pay. Did you ask the hosts about this? If they wanted you to pay, then they should have been up front. But I would suspect they would want the money beforehand when they ordered all the food. I always ask if I can bring anything or if it is a really close friend I ask what can I bring. And I would never expect anyone to pay. If they offered that would be different but I probably would not take it. ---
**Author:** ![MaddyStrut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dbc845/32.png) [@MaddyStrut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaddyStrut)\ **Post date:** [January 2, 2004, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/16 "2004-01-02T23:58:09Z")
Pay for dinner at a party? Never heard of it. I guess if they had said “let’s all get together for crabs sometime–would you like to meet at my house?” that may be a bit different. Even so, if you have people over and plan to split the expense, you generally work out ahead of time how much each member of the group is willing to pay. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21825_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2004, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/17 "2004-01-03T01:07:26Z")
Classless beyond words. Had I been invited to such a “party”, the “hosts” would have been out of luck. I rarely have more than about $5 on me. I use debit cards for everything. This is something Miss Manners rails about. If you host a party or dinner, you provide all the refreshments. Period. If you invite someone to dinner, it’s your treat. Period. There’s a difference between issuing an invitation and saying “Wanna do a pot luck at my place next week?” These are friends you can do without. ---
**Author:** ![InternetLegend](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/internetlegend/32/13154_2.png) [@InternetLegend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InternetLegend)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2004, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/18 "2004-01-03T03:16:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by monstro \* > \*\*Why does it seem like only polite people post on the SDMB? I would really like to get the perspective of someone who doesn’t think what these people did was wrong. \*\* You’d be hard-pressed to find one anywhere at all. Inviting someone to your home for a meal and then charging them for the food is way beyond just impolite behavior. It’s so completely contrary to the social customs of every society I can think of, it’s hard to believe anyone would think it was okay. You should entertain within your budget, no matter what, or don’t try to “entertain” at all. ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2004, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/19 "2004-01-03T03:59:28Z")
Ask the MADs… I **am** the official party thrower of the SDMB. And I have _never_ requested any of my guests to pay a dime to attend. And screw the stone crabs…I have mine catered. Punks. Don’t go to any more of their parties. ---
**Author:** ![KidCharlemagne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ed8c4c/32.png) [@KidCharlemagne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KidCharlemagne)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2004, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/20 "2004-01-03T04:17:34Z")
I honestly got a shivering cringe when I read the OP. Of course, commenting to the host about the oddness/rudeness of asking for money would be equally lacking in decorum. Barring that, I suppose you could say, “I see that your dessert isn’t the only thing with bad taste around here.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354.md?page=2)