# Party Etiquette??? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 2, 2004, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354 "2004-01-02T20:19:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2004, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/61 "2004-01-06T23:29:25Z")
**Debaser** I was not disagreeing with you. So, please watch your tone. In turn, I apologize if mine appeared snarky. There is no need to be hostile and defensive. I am admonishing the host and not your social pracitices. The cookout hosted by your friend is an excellent example of an occasion in which I would be expected to pay. As would any party where the tells me that there is an “optional” dinner available for those who wish to pay for it. Yes, the OP stated it was a **party**. Then that they were informed later by the hosts that the hosts were ordering food for them. Unless the hosts says “would you like us to order food for you as well, it will cost about $30” then guest are likely to assume that the hosts are inviting the to a soirée that includes dinner - hence a “dinner invitation.” > [@](#): > > When I was a teenager I seemed to have better reading comprehension than you do now. Please feel free to start a pit thread about my reading comprehension if you feel it is necessary. I brought up age because even in my youth I attended catered parties as well as casual dinners and never had an occasion for such a misunderstanding to take place. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2004, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/62 "2004-01-07T00:18:38Z")
> [@](#): > > We aren’t talking about an “invitation to dinner”, we are talking about a party. Sheesh. Read the OP. Reading the OP: > [@](#): > > Now, about one week before the party, the host told us that we would be having **dinner**. \ We got to the party and in the middle of **dinner** , another person asks, “How much do we owe you for the **dinner**?”. The host replied, 'About $30." \ We were never told that we had to pay for **dinner** and we were lucky that we had cash on hand. Oh look! It’s a party that included dinner! It’s a **dinner party**! > [@](#): > > A buddy of mine has a cookout style pool party in his yard every year. It’s not planned as a group, he plans it. It’s planned months in advance and a couple hundred people show up. He charges $10 a head, IIRC. I don’t see anything wrong with this. He is providing his home for us to use, why should he be out hundreds of dollars for the trouble? There is nothing wrong with it, _as long as the people who attend know in advance of the price they are expected to pay_. I’m really not sure why you’re having so much trouble with this concept. There is nothing wrong with getting a group of people together to split the cost of a meal. There is something seriously wrong with inviting people to your home for a dinner party and then expecting them to pay for the meal without telling them ahead of time. ---
**Author:** ![BiblioCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@BiblioCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BiblioCat)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2004, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/63 "2004-01-07T00:31:32Z")
We have friends who have a huge cookout-style pool party every year, too. They invite family, friends and coworkers. At least 150 people show up, maybe more. They would _never dream_ of charging their guests. They’ve invited people to their home for a party. It’s something they plan for every year. They provide hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken and sodas, and other stuff to eat, like salads and snacky stuff. The invitation says “BYOB” with regard to alcohol, and everyone always brings their own booze, and something like a salad or dessert. There’s always plenty of food. I usually take a salad _and_ a dessert. If they suddenly starting charging people $10 at the backyard gate, I think everyone would be incredibly insulted. I sure would be. ---
**Author:** ![ice1000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a3d4f5/32.png) [@ice1000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ice1000)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2004, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/64 "2004-01-07T05:10:47Z")
Well, my girlfriend and I had a big argument over this. Not about the event itself but the fact that I posted it on the Net. She’s afraid that the hosts will read this thread and end the friendship. I told her to tell them this was MY thread and not hers. Personally, I don’t think that friendships should be that fragile…but I digress… My girlfriend and I are in our 30’s. We were initially invited to the party and then were were told the host was ordering dinner (after the initial invitation). We weren’t told of any cost or given the option to refuse dinner. I think all the other guests brought side dishes also. I think those were the outstanding questions right? ---
**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2004, 6:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/65 "2004-01-07T06:58:40Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by \*\*overlyverbose \*\* > … What an extraordinarily lucrative idea! When I have my wedding reception, maybe I can ask for $60 a head and make a great profit! 😃 … actually, the only occasion i can think of that require a guest to pay _without being told in advance_ is a Chinese wedding dinner, where it is customary to give red packets to the newly weds. this may be similar to giving presents at a birthday party. ---
**Author:** ![Debaser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3da27b/32.png) [@Debaser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Debaser)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2004, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/66 "2004-01-07T16:17:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Otto \* > Oh look! It’s a party that included dinner! It’s a dinner party! Give me a break. It’s a new years eve party where food was served. It was clearly different from a dinner party. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Otto \* > > There is nothing wrong with it, _as long as the people who attend know in advance of the price they are expected to pay_. I’m really not sure why you’re having so much trouble with this concept. I’m not having any trouble with it. It does seem, however, that some of my posts are written in invisible ink in this thread. Here is a quote from me earlier in this thread: > [@](#): > > I agree that it’s rude to ask for money at a dinner party. > > _snip_ > > Certainly you should have been told in advance, but such an oversight is hardly the rudest thing I can imagine. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Otto \* > There is nothing wrong with getting a group of people together to split the cost of a meal. There is something seriously wrong with inviting people to your home for a dinner party and then expecting them to pay for the meal without telling them ahead of time. Well, there is something even more seriously wrong with causing a scene over the issue, being a rude guest, and leaving because of it which was what people in this thread seem to be suggesting. It seems like the most likely scenario to me is that the host simply forgot or overlooked mentioning the dinner costs money to the OP. It’s hardly a capital offense, and certainly the rudeness of this is nothing in comparison with causing a scene and starting an argument over it. ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2004, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/67 "2004-01-07T16:24:19Z")
> [@](#): > > Give me a break. It’s a new years eve party where food was served. It was clearly different from a dinner party. It’s a party where dinner was served. That is the definition of a dinner party. ---
**Author:** ![Debaser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3da27b/32.png) [@Debaser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Debaser)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2004, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/68 "2004-01-07T16:28:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by ice1000 \* > Well, my girlfriend and I had a big argument over this. Not about the event itself but the fact that I posted it on the Net. She’s afraid that the hosts will read this thread and end the friendship. I told her to tell them this was MY thread and not hers. Personally, I don’t think that friendships should be that fragile…but I digress… She may just be freaked out about posting personal things on the net. Only 83 people are posting here and it’s been viewed 1600 times. (Most views are probably the same people over and over again.) I think this odds that the hosts will see this thread are pretty slim. I agree that the friendship is too fragile if seeing this thread would end it. You haven’t been disparaging regarding them at all, IMHO. > [@](#): > > My girlfriend and I are in our 30’s. We were initially invited to the party and then were were told the host was ordering dinner (after the initial invitation). We weren’t told of any cost or given the option to refuse dinner. > > I think all the other guests brought side dishes also. > > I think those were the outstanding questions right? Almost. How many people were there? I’m just curious. They definately should have told you about the cost of the dinner. Since the other guests brought side dishes as well, I am starting to think maybe they didn’t tell anyone about the cost. Oh well, some people just aren’t up to speed on manners I guess. I wouldn’t sweat it. I certainly wouldn’t make a scene over it or debate the issue with them. Next time you have a party or dinner party and invite them, you do it the right way and see if they catch on! ---
**Author:** ![Debaser](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3da27b/32.png) [@Debaser](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Debaser)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2004, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/69 "2004-01-07T16:35:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Otto \* > It’s a party where dinner was served. That is the definition of a dinner party. So a backyard cookout is a dinner party? Me eating pizza standing next to the keg at college was a dinner party? I never knew I was so experienced at this! By your definition I have attended hundreds, possibly thousands of dinner parties in my life. The OP calls the party a new years eve party. I am inclined to believe him. ---
**Author:** ![ice1000](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a3d4f5/32.png) [@ice1000](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ice1000)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2004, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354/70 "2004-01-07T17:08:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Debaser \* > \*\* > Almost. How many people were there? I’m just curious. > \*\* There were 12 people there. Was it a dinner party? I thought it was a conventional New Year’s Eve party, one where you went there to eat snacks and drink alcohol. We did do that for a while but then we all sat down at the dinner table and had the stone crabs. Granted, they didn’t bring out the fine china, but it _was_ a sit down dinner. We then continued with the snacks & alcohol… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/party-etiquette/222354.md?page=3)