# Passion or Security--Which Means More? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 12, 2002, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666 "2002-06-12T16:51:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2002, 2:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/21 "2002-06-13T14:39:56Z")
Wow, that passion paragraph brought back some old memories. Thank you. (I’m not sure if I mean that sarcasticly or not) ---
**Author:** ![auntie\_em](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5e9695/32.png) [@auntie\_em](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/auntie_em)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2002, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/22 "2002-06-13T14:48:19Z")
**Manda JO** , although **Eonwe** beat me to the praise, apparently there’s still time to ask you to marry ME if (God forbid) you _should_ ever become widowed! (Please take that as the joke it was meant to be, and know that I mean no disrespect to you, your hubby or your relationship…) Yes, I do have the same plumbing as you do, but I just learned from the “fingers” thread that I am a lesbian, so surely we could work something out… 😉 Seriously, though. I couldn’t agree more with your post. Easy for me to say, because I _dig_ security, in most if not all aspects of life. Although I am not in a relationship right now, I am grateful daily that I have the kind of life I do (I have a decent-paying job, and am not worried about getting downsized; I’m relatively poor (student loan debt out the ass), but am able to pay my bills without worry/insomnia; I have a loving, close-knit family and know that a LOT of people would have to be dead before I’d ever be out on the street; I have plenty to eat, a roof over my head, a comfy couch, and furry pets; I do not fear for my life on a daily basis… the list goes on). It follows, then, that the past relationships I treasure most are, for the most part, ones in which I was able to trust the fella completely, and didn’t have any doubts as to his feelings for me. I have a friend who always says that her ideal romantic situation is to have an all-consuming crush on someone who does not reciprocate her feelings. Of course, for the fantasy to work, she can’t _know_ that it’s never going to happen… Point is, the part she finds delicious is the uncertainty, the hope, and the fodder for constant, twirly analysis (i.e., “Today he saw me trip on the stairs and said, ‘Careful now! Don’t want you to break something!’ Does this mean he loves me???” I am not that person. Sure, I do consider it delicious to have a twirly little crush for awhile… but ONLY for awhile. After a few weeks, if nothing happens, I start to get sick of the constant nervousness and uncertainty, and just want to stop the ride so that I can get the hell off. For the record, I don’t like rollercoasters, either. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2002, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/23 "2002-06-13T15:58:00Z")
I’m an even keel sort of person. If I want a rollercoaster, I’ll go to %$#@! Cedar Point. I’m intrigued by these “addicted to excitment” posts, because I don’t believe I have ever felt that way in my life. I mean, you get a hormonal high in the beginning of a relationship but I have NEVER experienced one in which it did not level off. When the hormones peter out all you’re left with is a jerk. Whats the point of being with someone you can’t trust? (IMHO) It will never be worth it and you will never change him. ---
**Author:** ![Bren\_Cameron\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@Bren\_Cameron\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bren_Cameron_1)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/24 "2002-06-14T03:36:31Z")
Well, they’re both really good albums. Sometimes I’m in the mood for one, sometimes the other, it depends on… Oh. I agree with Manda Jo. ---
**Author:** ![kore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b5a626/32.png) [@kore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kore)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2002, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/25 "2002-06-14T20:43:43Z")
In defense of passion here 🙂 I spent the majority of my adult life with a man who could make my heart skip just by looking at me. We were together for nine years (married for seven of them). The passion never stopped – wasn’t always good (great the majority of the time), but it was never anywhere near calm! The last phrase you’d use to describe us was stable – devoted, sure, but not stable. Two years ago he died, and I realized if I hadn’t put up with the chaos, we wouldn’t have had all that fun. However, stable and secure sounds like it could be good as well, and I definitely don’t think they’re “second best” or some such. Really, I think it comes down to other issues in the relationship. If there’s only passion, it’ll probably fade in time. But passion _plus_ other virtues in the relationship? oh, yeah… ---
**Author:** ![Lorenzo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/4da419/32.png) [@Lorenzo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lorenzo)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/26 "2002-06-15T05:00:57Z")
Methinks it’s passion that brings people together initially but inevitably diminishes and security that keeps them from breaking up. ---
**Author:** ![Violet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/ebca7d/32.png) [@Violet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Violet)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/27 "2002-06-15T05:46:26Z")
Hmm. There _could_ be Passion A, followed by Passion B, followed by Passion C, , followed by Passion D, … 😛 I recall the movie, _Bridges of Madison County._ A good view of passion vs. security in the context of the OP, or so I think. ---
**Author:** ![Eonwe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eonwe/32/240_2.png) [@Eonwe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eonwe)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 7:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/28 "2002-06-15T07:01:36Z")
care to elaborate **Violet** for those of us who have neither read nor seen Bridges of Madison County? ---
**Author:** ![Violet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/ebca7d/32.png) [@Violet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Violet)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/29 "2002-06-15T16:14:47Z")
> [@](#): > > care to elaborate Violet for those of us who have neither read nor seen Bridges of Madison County? I cannot express myself better than an [Amazon.com](http://Amazon.com) reviewer at [http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0790729369/qid=1024156806/sr=1-1/ref=sr\_1\_1/104-2011111-6343909](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0790729369/qid=1024156806/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/104-2011111-6343909) The reviewer is D. Grant Haynes from Middle America. > [@](#): > > Robert Kinkaid… was a rootless writer and photographer, as well as a keen and cynical observer of the human condition. Kinkaid had been far and done much. He had seen and experienced multiple facets of life and love and possessed limitless anecdotal knowledge of the world. He offered much to Francesca in terms of sensitivity, understanding, appreciation of beauty and companionship that she would never find on an Iowa farm. > > But Kinkaid lacked Middle America’s major indicators of success and worthiness–roots sunk deeply in one geographic location, a home and real estate, and most importantly, a traditional Cleaver family mind set. > > Francesca reluctantly opted for the Cleaver family syndrome, choosing security and safety over fascination, inspiration and love. She lived out her years with a boring Iowa pig farmer, remaining a lonely and empty woman with nothing but tattered memories of her brief encounter with Kinkaid. > > Had I been writing the screenplay, I would have had her fling open that truck door and dash through the rain storm to head west with Robert Kinkaid… > > Though they know better from their own experiences and those of others, the majority of Americans–middle class protestant ones especially–prefer to keep their heads safely in the sand about life and the human condition, pretending still in a little house on the prairie dream world that probably never was–one that most certainly doesn’t exist now. > > All is well in this delusional world of make believe–one that’s filled with Little League games, soccer moms, church suppers and PTO meetings. Marriage and family are still the rocks of civilization and the ostriches are “saved” and bound for Heaven. Their president, George W. Bush, is a worthy man with a commission from their God to root out homosexuality, abortion and Islam. > > In my opinion, such as they dwell in the outer limits of utter darkness, living and dying without a clue about the past, the present, or the future. They’re not living–they’re merely existing in a state of perpetual denial, awaiting the flat line and the rude awakening that will likely follow. > Thoreau wrote, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is termed resignation is confirmed desperation.” > > Francesca Johnson completed her life journey in this condition of quiet desperation. I think that’s a damned shame. I wanted more for her. I wanted her to go with Robert Kinkaid and seek a few years of happiness and joy while they each had the time and opportunity. Hope this helps, **Eonwe**. ---
**Author:** ![monica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a183cd/32.png) [@monica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monica)\ **Post date:** [June 15, 2002, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/30 "2002-06-15T21:10:10Z")
Belladonna: I’m currently dating a guy whose very secure- and I’m about to break up with him. He’s one of those guys that I can trust not to cheat on me, that I don’t have to question, that loves me very much. But the passion just isn’t there, and I can’t deal with that. There’s another guy in my life too- one kiss and some gentle caresses made me feel the passion. I don’t think this will last like my other relationship would have, but I need passion in my life. This may not be the right choice for you, but I’m choosing passion over security. ---
**Author:** ![Magickly\_Delicious](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magickly\_Delicious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magickly_Delicious)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/31 "2002-06-16T00:19:25Z")
Wait, I’m confused. Some posters define passion as the personality of your partner (as in, is he unreliable but dramatic, etc.), but according to **Manda Jo** and a few others, it is more of an internal thing, a feeling: > [@](#): > > Any 13 year old can have a dramatic, temptestous relationship: they don’t even need the other person in the relaitonship to know sbout it. So I guess what I’m asking is: which are we talking about? ---
**Author:** ![WV\_Woman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@WV\_Woman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WV_Woman)\ **Post date:** [June 16, 2002, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/32 "2002-06-16T23:46:46Z")
I grew up in a pretty insecure environment. Give me security ANY day. ---
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/33 "2002-06-17T15:15:34Z")
As pointed out before, it’s a question of what every one of us is willing to trade off. Now, I may have read it wrong, but to me it seemed like in the OP description of Passion vs. Security, the latter has the good points listed, well, dispassionately, even coolly, but followed by a lot more “buts” than the former: “he’ll never make me weep with desperation - nor scream with joy”; “kisses that are pleasant enough, but lack fire”; “Knowing he’d never leave me, and maybe taking some things for granted because of that”. Just for the first phrase, for example, are we to assume the degree of certainty is _equally high_ in both halves of the statement? Or are we saying we KNOW he will never inflict that kind of pain, but we DOUBT he can produce that kind of joy? And are we assuming that the two are somehow causally correlated? Who’s to say there can’t be passionate security, or safe passion? However, in at least two points I must say: Knowing the other person is “not lying, or using or hiding behind his [her] charm” is to me a _sine qua non_ for long-term potential in a relationship. If that is not there at the start it better get there at some point, or however much fiery passion there be at first, it will not progress beyond “fling”. And “playing the savior reluctantly, and _resenting_ it” (my emphasis) is a sign to me that about 20 minutes before the incident the parties were supposed to be on buses heading outta town in different directions: _willing_ saviors tend to end up nailed to crosses, never mind those who did not ask for the job. ---
**Author:** ![belladonna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/9fc29f/32.png) [@belladonna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/belladonna)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/34 "2002-06-17T21:03:36Z")
Ok–just jumping in to clarify a few points here. 1. I am currently with Mr. Secure 2. I have **NO** plans to go back to Mr. Passion–I’m missing the excitement, but I _do_ have my pride. 3. JRDelirious has hit the nail pretty squarely on the head with the clarification that I “KNOW he will never inflict that kind of pain, but we DOUBT he can produce that kind of joy” 4. My definition of passion hinged a lot on the unreliablity—whether I put up with so much crap because I felt so strongly or whether I felt so strongly because I put up with so much crap is unclear–and rather at the heart of my dilemma. 5. While Mr. Passion has been booted, I am just wondering to myself if the security is enough. Should I look elsewhere for passionate security (assuming it’s possible for me since IME I’ve never found it) or stick with what I have–a bird in the hand and all that–and hope for the passion to grow in time? I think that security is the way to go, personally–best for me and my son, who deserves better than a hand-to-mouth, super-intense but often unstable lifestyle… Thumbnail sketch of the situation–I’m married to one man (mr. passion), but living with the other (mr. secure). I’m planning divorce proceedings, but financial matters have delayed them. In the meantime, mr. passion will be re-entering my day-to-day existence shortly, and I’m a bit nervous…which I totally wasn’t until this conversation with my mother mom–so what are you going to do? (about the impending mr. passion vs. mr. secure clash) bella–well, things might get verbally ugly, but I don’t think there’s much more to worry about than that. I’ll be okay. mom–I’m just worried that you’re going to take him back bella–::shocked:: No way! mom–I know you love him, I think it’s easy to say no now when he’s not looking at you with those big brown eyes. bella–I wouldn’t do that to mr. secure, you know I love him too mom–I worry for your heart, that’s all (changes subject to something concerning cooking chicken) Ugh! Thanks mom. So–being hurt too deeply by her comments to be able to say they meant nothing, I’ve really been dwelling on this. I think security is enough, but worry that it won’t be in time–so I guess what I’m looking for is validation that either a) security is enough on its own, or b) passion will grow in time Ok, this is fastly approaching a ramble, so I’m going to stop now. I’ve really appreciated all the input, and I think it’s a really interesting debate even removed from my situation. Thanks all—🙂 bella ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [June 17, 2002, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/35 "2002-06-17T22:20:03Z")
Take it from a guy who’s heard the “I only like you as a friend” speech far more times than he cares to admit: As much as I’d sometimes LIKE to believe that passion isn’t so important, it is. And much as it hurt to know that women I was crazy about didn’t feel any passion for me (though they genuinely loved many things about me), I also know this: they wouldn’t have been doing me any favors if they’d settled for “nice” Astorian, who didn’t generate ANY fireworks in them. I’m NOT saying passion is the only thing, or that you should give yourself to an irresponsible, unemployed, abusive jerk, just because your sexual chemistry with him is great. But I AM saying that even if Mr. X is kind, stable, financially secure, well-groomed and an all around wonderful man, but you just don’t feel ANY lust for him… you shouldn’t marry him or even get seriously involved with him. In the long run, neither of you will be happy. Passion isn’t everything, but you definitely don’t want to live without it. ---
**Author:** ![Violet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/ebca7d/32.png) [@Violet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Violet)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/36 "2002-06-18T01:54:32Z")
> [@](#): > > Passion isn’t everything, but you definitely don’t want to live without it. Amen! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 3:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/37 "2002-06-18T03:56:29Z")
A guy speaking here. From my experience women would like both (obviously), which kind of ends up in the ‘nice guys get screwed’ situation which is debated often. I think that is is rare for a chick to find both in one guy, especially if she is idealistic. Which ends up with many girls looking for both but in two different places. A nice guy around for the security, and a bad boy(or a sequence of them) for the passion. ---
**Author:** ![Violet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/ebca7d/32.png) [@Violet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Violet)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/38 "2002-06-18T06:26:20Z")
Hey. Nothing’s guaranteed in life. [Except death & possibly taxes]. Mr. or Ms. Security today could be Mr./Ms. I-gotta-split tomorrow. ---
**Author:** ![Lyra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Lyra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lyra)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2002, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/39 "2002-06-18T22:31:48Z")
Well, here are my thoughts, now that Bella has summed up situation. I personally don’t think you would have started this thread if you were all that sure about Mr. Security. Mr. Passion may be all wrong for you in the long run, but that doesn’t make Mr. Security right for you. Take it \* very, very \* slowly. I am no longer with Mr. Security myself. I have found a Mr. Passion, but I still keep my guard up. Mainly because my divorce was final this past March and I need some time for just me. Just by you starting this thread, I think you need some “me” time too. I don’t know the whole story, don’t take offense. This is just my thoughts, because I am in the same exact opposite situation. I still love Mr. Security deeply and know I could be “content” with him, however Mr. Passion is showing me every day that he is secure also. I learn more and more about him daily, and I am seeing that he seems to really have it all. But, I still don’t want to go too fast, and not have my independence. I need that in order to really assess what I can and can’t live my \*\* entire \*\* life without. Good luck, and go \* slow \*. ---
**Author:** ![MixedFeelings](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5f9b8f/32.png) [@MixedFeelings](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MixedFeelings)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2016, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666/40 "2016-04-15T19:14:00Z")
I know this thread is really old but what was the outcome? Lyra - My story is very similar to yours. Do you have any sound advice? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/passion-or-security-which-means-more/113666.md?page=3)