It sounds to me like you have a different personal approach to conflict than most of your classmates. I think you’re going to far by trying to attach socio-economic implications to your feelings, probably because you’re making some unsupported assumptions.
How do you know for sure what class the people you’re interacting with are from?
Interesting question though, in light of the fact that you’re a 1L. Resolving conflict is what the practice of law is all about and people do have highly different styles in handling it. Much of the culture of the bar relates to how we balance vigorously pursuing our clients’ battles while we retain collegiality. I’d submit that both your style and their style are viable and common.
Correcting someone else’s behavior is rude - unless you are that person’s parent and they are a minor child.
Your options for for dealing with rude people are to ignore them or put up with them. That is it.
This is not passive aggressive. It isn’t my job to raise you to behave yourself by correcting your behavior. There is no given that when I see you in public I greet you, or you greet me. You respect people’s personal space, and try and get a read on the appropriate level of intimacy desired at the moment. This is a somewhat subtle dance.
Its really a shame that some people feel like they should criticize the behavior of others in public. How disrespectful.
I never made that assumption. All I said was that they’re law students.
I don’t want it to sound like I’m trying to find excuses for my behavior by blaming the higher social classes. I just noticed a difference and I want to figure out where it comes from. I don’t know whether this behavior is the result of people being rich, from rural areas, or because they are raised better.
It looks like other people in this thread have noticed the same things I have. And Cosmic Relief laid out some good theories as to how these differences can result from your social status. So there might be something to this beyond just my experiences.
I agree with this. From the OP’s examples, I think the trouble lies in an inability to read social cues rather than a class division. I mean “my trademark is non sequiturs”? :dubious: This alone makes me think the OP is more interested in whatever attention he can draw to himself rather than the people and conversation around him. There is a (not very fine) line between funny or clever and being a complete tool.
The first thing to understand is that most of these kids from affluant families come from a homogenus environment specifically designed to keep out anything threatening. Gated communities, private schools, elite colleges, fraternities and country clubs and so on. These environments have strict sets of rules for conformity, both written and unwritten. Conformity and saving face are valued more than brutal honesty and physical confrontation is completely unacceptable.
Working classes seem to place a greater value on directness and brutal honesty. Possibly because much of their work is dangerous and does not lend itself well to passive-aggressive quips, euphamisms, subtle implications and other bullshit.
I did not say all were from the upper-middle class. And I did not say that the people I interacted with were from that class. The assumption I made was that the people I was interacting with could have been from a higher social class because law school has a lot of people in that range.
It’s really a shame that you lack that much introspection. It’s also a shame that you expect people to read your mind when they have a problem with you. And it’s a shame that you value willfully letting them remain ignorant.
If somebody acts badly, and you don’t do anything to help them fix it, then when it negatively affects you, it’s entirely your fault.
As for the OP: In my experience, poor people say something when it bothers them because they have less social status to lose. Regular rich people are obsessed with status, or they wouldn’t have intentionally gained more money than they need. But, once you get to the super-rich, this is overridden by being rich BEING your status, and never experiencing any consequence for your bad actions.
Wait, so I’m supposed to deliver a lecture every time someone talks to loudly on their cell phone or leaves a shopping cart blocking the aisle in a supermarket or spends ten minutes organizing their handbag on the cashier’s line?
I would agree with this. If you chart “passive agressive conformity” vs “wealth” I think you would see a sort of bell-shaped curve peaking in the upper-middle class range. Lawyers, doctors, and other professional types desperately desiring to “fit in” and reap the associated benefits. More wealth and you start to get into “fuck you money” territory.
Another factor is that poor people tend to be less educated and poorly socialized. When I used to work temp jobs in factories and manufacturing plants, many of the adult workers there essentially acted like children. They blurted out whatever was on their mind and if someone got offended, they would get into a screaming match until the boss put a stop to it.
What it generally comes down to is a poor impulse control, a lack of self awareness, and ignoring social cues from other people.
What if they don’t care enough to want an explanation?
I’m not sure whether you’re talking about saying something weird to somebody in the liquor store or one of your law school classmates, but if someone made some weird comment to me, I’d probably just ignore it.
I’m not interested in discussing the liquor store guy’s communication style. Ignoring weird comments isn’t being passive aggressive. It’s a practical way to achieve my goal of paying for my stuff and leaving. Why on earth would I bother discussing it with you?
And if I were your law school classmate–well, the fact that you have such a unique and precious communication style is nice and all, but what are you gonna do? Expect a judge to let you give some lengthy explanation of how non-sequiturs are your trademark? If you started that shit with me, I wouldn’t confront you about it. I’m not interested in why you do it. And I don’t need to discuss it with you to accept it. Hopefully you’d accept my decision not to spend much time on a person who wants to bore me with justifications for why he can’t get along with people.
NO, passive aggression is AGGRESSION – specifically, a form of aggression in which the aggressor fails to do something that he or she is expected or required to do. It was first named when observed in military recruits who, instead of attacking sergeants or verbally refusing orders, would simply not do what they were told. It can also describe the situation when orders are “obeyed,” but literally and stupidly, as a form of rebellion. Typically, refusing to shake hands is a bit confrontational for the passive-aggressive personality, but the behaviors described in the OP are definitely passive, not aggressive at all.
Well, isn’t part of etiquette and being polite trying to put other people at ease? I might assume that asking, “Why are you saying that” might make them feel self conscious, and as a result, might not want to call attention to someone’s verbal tic or strange way of putting things or whatnot.
This is analogous to changing the channel in the middle of a program without asking permission or offering an explanation. I can understand why someone would give you a dirty look and change it back.
The first edition of the Diagnostic Statistical Manual described passive aggression as noncompliance, but as psychological diagnosis became more refined, or complicated, that definition has changed.
As others have pointed out, your communication style is immature and uncouth. And if you are speaking with educated law students, they likely expect a certain level of maturity and sophistication in their conversations. People aren’t going to baby you and correct your behavior. They will simply ignore your interruptions and exclude you from future conversations when possible.