*Top Secret! *
Q: “Do you know any good white basketball players?”
A: “There are no good white basketball players.”
From Russia With Love
James Bond: Pardon me, do you have a match?
Kerim’s Chauffeur: I use a lighter.
James Bond: Better still.
Kerim’s Chauffeur: Until they go wrong.
James Bond: Exactly.
(used twice in the movie as a password)
===================================
Bond: In London, April's a spring month.
Wade: Oh yeah? And what are you, the weatherman? For crying out loud, another stiff-assed Brit with your secret codes and your passwords. One of these days you guys are learn just to drop it. Come on, my car's over here.
[They go to the car, and Bond hands Wade the bags]'
Bond: After you.
Wade: Thank you.
[Suddenly, Bond pulls a gun on Wade, who tries to go for his]
Bond: Like you said... drop it.
Wade: [exasperated] All right, in London, April's a spring month, whereas in St. Petersburg we're freezing our butts off! Is that close enough for government work?
Bond: No. Show me the rose.
Wade: Oh please, no...
[Bond presses the gun closer]
Wade: All right...
[Wade takes down his pants to reveal a tattoo of a rose and the name "Muffy" on his right cheek]
Bond: "Muffy"?
Wade: Third wife. [puts out his hand] Jack Wade, CIA.
Bond: [shakes it] James Bond, stiff-assed Brit.How about the classic from the X-MEN movie, where they haven’t even practiced?
“It’s me.”
“Prove it.”
(short pause) “You’re a dick.”
(short pause) “Okay.”
You know, without the context of the previous line, “[shakes it]” takes on a whole different meaning.
Challenge: Who do you favor in the Virginia Slims tournament?
Response: In women’s tennis, I always root against the heterosexual.
The scene that comes to mind for me is more about how seeming nonsense sounds like one of these passphrase/response thing. It’s from Murphy Brown.
She’s just taken a pregnancy test, and it came up positive. She then meets one of her friends, who is unaware of the test. Murphy is somewhat in shock from the news.
Murphy: “The stick is blue!”
Friend: “The dog barks at midnight? Wait, what are we talking about?”
Similarly in the closing chapter of Stalky & Co, set in India some years after the boys have left school, an Indian with a message from one of the gentlemen plays the first few notes of “Arragh, Patsy, mind the baby” and expects that the recipient will continue the tune.
From the novel The Andromeda Strain (I forgot how it goes in the film):
Guard at the phony agricultural station: “You folks lost?”
Burton: “Just passing through, on the way to Rome.”
Guard: “You got the time?”
Burton: “My watch stopped yesterday.”
Guard: “Durn shame.”
Burton: “It’s because of the heat.”
My buddies and I have a running gag:
Sign: “The geese shall fly in a Vee formation.”
Countersign: “The weimaraner is a fine dog.”
If we’re going with classic war movies, there’s also the British commander in A Bridge Too Far who never goes anywhere without his umbrella. It’s never explained until the very end of the movie, when both him and his superior are about to be overrun. The conversation goes something like this (from memory)
- I never asked because I thought it would make you too happy, but now that we’re about to die: what’s with the umbrella ?
- Bad memory.
- Whut ?
- I could never remember the bloody password. I knew no German would carry this - had to prove I was an Englishman.
Another one occurred to me, that Bill Cosby used to use as a gag on his show:
“A wet pelican walks with a gaited limp.”
“But a dry fish swims alone.”
“Where do you hail from?”
“From the east.”
Jackie Vernon had a thing in his act, “A wet bird never flies at night.” And I thought he was the one with “A true buffalo never turns his head to the wind.” but I wasn’t able to verify that one as Vernon’s by way of a Yahoo! search. There are so many of those “Polish Proverbs” like those. Some I love:
It is far better to sit idle than to just do nothing at all.
A tall man on horseback can look down on a short man on the ground.
He who casts no shadow knows no shame.
It is better to wear out your slippers dancing than to have your feet cut off.
Get Smart had a bunch of these - damned if I can remember them, though
I think the counter to one was “the purple water runs uphill” or something like that