# Pearls of insight on assessment test essays **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 24, 2010, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186 "2010-04-24T06:40:55Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![threemae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/5f9b8f/32.png) [@threemae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/threemae)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 6:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/1 "2010-04-24T06:40:55Z")
Every year, a crack team of learned experts representing some of the finest literary minds in our society gathers together in a secret location (hint, it lies deep within a recently active volcano) to carry out the critical task of grading America’s standardized tests. A brief report from such activity is fortunately available to the rarified IQ’s of the Dope in this thread: [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=560775](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=560775) Never mind that the external validity of such examinations is atrocious, the inter-rater reliability is appallingly bad, that simply writing longer essays as opposed to better essays is the practical equivalent of giving out _quid pro quo_ blow-jobs to the examiners, or that a lot of the examples provided in this thread just aren’t that bad. But trust the OP, she’ll happily exclaim that you’d understand how bad they sucked if _only you’d sit down and read the whole essay_ and face the trauma of run-on sentences face-to-face. Pray tell, share the horrid literary abuses which shining academic minds such as yourself have had to endure at the hands of the vile masses taking this test. We’ll certainly delight in your gleeful exhibition of the wanton stupidity on display here; your lurid descriptions of the red ink flowing freely across these shitty essays will titillate us and we’ll be strangely aroused by your harsh evaluations as your superior intellect smashes into these lesser minds like the wheels of a Buick crushing the skull of a wayward squirrel dashing across the road. Alternatively, community-college English instructors could just get the fuck over themselves about the decline of this generations’ grasp of the English language, how the essays turned in by her current students are such utter crap compared with decades past back when an associates in hospitality management from Lakeland Community College really meant something, blah, blah, blah. In this economy, you’re fortunate to have a job that pays real money to produce evaluations of such uncertain value. Personally, I’d try to lay low on this fact to keep the standardized tests with long-form writing examples coming. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/2 "2010-04-24T07:04:53Z")
> [@threemae](#): > > Alternatively, community-college English instructors could just get the fuck over themselves about the decline of **this generations’ grasp** of the English language… Too easy. Anyway, this is pretty lame. She makes pretty clear that this is simply some harmless fun, not a serious lament about the decline of western civilization. She even says, right there in the OP: > [@On another topic](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/537163/1): > > …for your enjoyment. Some of them are just fine in terms of grammar, but the ideas are odd or just funny. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/3 "2010-04-24T07:08:16Z")
The OP is like a pitcher throwing a fastball past the shortstop. ---
**Author:** ![elucidator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/8edcca/32.png) [@elucidator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elucidator)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 7:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/4 "2010-04-24T07:12:06Z")
People try to speak of us in a pejorative and negative context _Talkin’ bout my Generation!_ Simply because we are mobile, footloose, and prone to restlessness _Talkin’ bout my Generation…_ ---
**Author:** ![Crawlspace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Crawlspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crawlspace)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 8:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/5 "2010-04-24T08:14:42Z")
> [@mhendo](#): > > She makes pretty clear that this is simply some harmless fun, not a serious lament about the decline of western civilization. She even says, right there in the OP: I disagree. I don’t think she laments for the decline of western civilization, but in most threads it’s pretty clear she’s making fun of these people. > [@On another topic](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/415177/1): > > We have been scoring a ton of assessment test essays at the college lately, so we are **blessed (?)** with extra **“gems”** culled from said essays. Below I have listed the latest ones. Enjoy, and feel free to spread the fun, the **pearls of wisdumb** , and the general nuttiness around. > [@On another topic](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/415177/33): > > Alas, I got no gems today after three hours of grueling reading. However, I have hopes for the next few sessions. She’s been doing this now for close to 3 years. I’d have no problem if threads like this crept up every year or so with a quote or two paraphrased from memory, but to me it’s obvious she’s jotting the so called gems down as she reads them and saving them to share. It’s pathetic and I’m glad someone finally said something. I also find it funny that her thread titles are bastardized english. You can take a placement test or a skill assessment, but to take an assessment test would be like having a competition match. ---
**Author:** ![mhendo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mhendo/32/3159_2.png) [@mhendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mhendo)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 8:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/6 "2010-04-24T08:38:46Z")
> [@Crawlspace](#): > > I disagree. I don’t think she laments for the decline of western civilization, but in most threads it’s pretty clear she’s making fun of these people. Cry me a fucking river. I never said she wasn’t making fun; my point was that the fun she is making is pretty harmless, especially since both she and her students are completely anonymous. > [@Crawlspace](#): > > She’s been doing this now for close to 3 years. I’d have no problem if threads like this crept up every year or so with a quote or two paraphrased from memory, but to me it’s obvious she’s jotting the so called gems down as she reads them and saving them to share. Why is it pathetic? Have you ever graded dozens or hundreds of papers, one after the other? It can be a pretty tedious task, at best, and at times a rather depressing one. Sometimes these sorts of silly grammatical errors or funny turns of phrase really help to break the monotony, and give a bit of a chuckle in an otherwise rather mundane task. I have a small selection of similar stuff that i’ve copied down from student essays in the past. While i’ve never shared them here in the same way, i keep them because they’re funny and, at least in the case of actual errors of grammar and usage, they often serve as useful examples when i’m trying to illustrate writing problems for my students. Hell, mistakes like this don’t even necessarily come from poor students. One of my better students last year, in an essay discussing the effects of New World silver on the European economy in the 16th century, wrote: > [@](#): > > The flood of bouillon and a large increase in population brought on what is known as the Price Revolution. Clearly he meant bullion. It was a simple error that made the sentence funny; it didn’t affect how i thought of him as a student, and he did perfectly fine in the course. And he was pretty good-humored about it when i brought it up in class (without, of course, violating his privacy by mentioning his name to the other students). > [@Crawlspace](#): > > It’s pathetic and I’m glad someone finally said something. If it’s been bugging you so much for all that time, why didn’t you do it? Waiting for a bandwagon to jump on? ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/7 "2010-04-24T13:25:24Z")
Of course she is making fun of people. (Or maybe, perhaps, she is passing on the raw material - since she provides them pretty much without comment on each individual phrase). This is the Straight Dope. We make fun of people for our entertainment. Its a subclause under “fighting ignorance.” You know she does it regularly, don’t open the threads if you find them offensive. Its really that simple. BTW, thanks. I love those threads and sometimes miss them… ---
**Author:** ![digs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/digs/32/14889_2.png) [@digs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/digs)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/8 "2010-04-24T16:04:05Z")
As a teacher, I spend much of my time NOT making fun of people who desperately need it… but since I don’t know how vulnerable they’d be to my Lightning Barbs of Insight, I control myself. So I _ **NEED** _ to make fun of people in my spare time. If only there was a message board… somewhere… ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/9 "2010-04-24T16:10:00Z")
> [@don\_t\_ask](#): > > The OP is like a pitcher throwing a fastball past the shortstop. Or in junior essay terms: Writing bad stuff about things that are bad, like stuff that effects you with negative affects. ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/10 "2010-04-24T17:26:02Z")
> [@Bryan\_Ekers](#): > > Or in junior essay terms: Writing bad stuff about things that are bad, like stuff that effects you with negative affects. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/11 "2010-04-24T17:43:11Z")
> [@threemae](#): > > Every year, a crack team of learned experts representing some of the finest literary minds in our society gathers together in a secret location (hint, it lies deep within a recently active volcano) to carry out the critical task of grading America’s standardized tests. A brief report from such activity is fortunately available to the rarified IQ’s of the Dope in this thread: > [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=560775](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=560775) > > Never mind that the external validity of such examinations is atrocious, the inter-rater reliability is appallingly bad, that simply writing longer essays as opposed to better essays is the practical equivalent of giving out _quid pro quo_ blow-jobs to the examiners, or that a lot of the examples provided in this thread just aren’t that bad. But trust the OP, she’ll happily exclaim that you’d understand how bad they sucked if _only you’d sit down and read the whole essay_ and face the trauma of run-on sentences face-to-face. > > Pray tell, share the horrid literary abuses which shining academic minds such as yourself have had to endure at the hands of the vile masses taking this test. We’ll certainly delight in your gleeful exhibition of the wanton stupidity on display here; your lurid descriptions of the red ink flowing freely across these shitty essays will titillate us and we’ll be strangely aroused by your harsh evaluations as your superior intellect smashes into these lesser minds like the wheels of a Buick crushing the skull of a wayward squirrel dashing across the road. > > Alternatively, community-college English instructors could just get the fuck over themselves about the decline of this generations’ grasp of the English language, how the essays turned in by her current students are such utter crap compared with decades past back when an associates in hospitality management from Lakeland Community College really meant something, blah, blah, blah. > > In this economy, you’re fortunate to have a job that pays real money to produce evaluations of such uncertain value. Personally, I’d try to lay low on this fact to keep the standardized tests with long-form writing examples coming. I don’t know whether 😃 or :rolleyes: is more appropriate. I’m not even sure what there was to complain about in the first place. Yes, it is a standardized writing test. There has to be some kind of placement tool, and this is the one we use. I never said these were all bad. Some are quite nicely written. As for the bad ones, there is no harm done to anyone. The students never see the tests again; they see only the numerical score and the placement given. I keep no names on file. Yes, I do share them with a lot of folks, 99.9% of whom are happy to receive them so they can pass them on to others and have a laugh. My fellow readers and I can’t help laughing sometimes during the readings. Since we’re in a private room and the test-takers are long gone from the testing room, nobody else knows why we’re laughing. No hurt feelings abound. That said, if the “gem” threads are so offensive, they don’t have to be opened and read. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/12 "2010-04-24T17:43:59Z")
> [@threemae](#): > > Every year, a crack team of learned experts representing some of the finest literary minds in our society gathers together in a secret location (hint, it lies deep within a recently active volcano) to carry out the critical task of grading America’s standardized tests. A brief report from such activity is fortunately available to the rarified IQ’s of the Dope in this thread: > [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=560775](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=560775) > > Never mind that the external validity of such examinations is atrocious, the inter-rater reliability is appallingly bad, that simply writing longer essays as opposed to better essays is the practical equivalent of giving out _quid pro quo_ blow-jobs to the examiners, or that a lot of the examples provided in this thread just aren’t that bad. But trust the OP, she’ll happily exclaim that you’d understand how bad they sucked if _only you’d sit down and read the whole essay_ and face the trauma of run-on sentences face-to-face. > > Pray tell, share the horrid literary abuses which shining academic minds such as yourself have had to endure at the hands of the vile masses taking this test. We’ll certainly delight in your gleeful exhibition of the wanton stupidity on display here; your lurid descriptions of the red ink flowing freely across these shitty essays will titillate us and we’ll be strangely aroused by your harsh evaluations as your superior intellect smashes into these lesser minds like the wheels of a Buick crushing the skull of a wayward squirrel dashing across the road. > > Alternatively, community-college English instructors could just get the fuck over themselves about the decline of this generations’ grasp of the English language, how the essays turned in by her current students are such utter crap compared with decades past back when an associates in hospitality management from Lakeland Community College really meant something, blah, blah, blah. > > In this economy, you’re fortunate to have a job that pays real money to produce evaluations of such uncertain value. Personally, I’d try to lay low on this fact to keep the standardized tests with long-form writing examples coming. Apparently, you’ve got an axe to grind, but what the hell does this have to do with the thread you linked to? ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/13 "2010-04-24T17:50:30Z")
> [@Bryan\_Ekers](#): > > Or in junior essay terms: Writing bad stuff about things that are bad, like stuff that effects you with negative affects. But isn’t that what I said, kind of, you know what I mean? Hey. Whatever. ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/14 "2010-04-24T17:52:18Z")
One has to wonder, also, why it’s okay for books like **Anguished English** and **Non Campus Mentis** to exist, but somehow a thread containing the same kind of material isn’t okay. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/15 "2010-04-24T18:45:42Z")
Google “student bloopers” and you’ll find over 160,000 results. Apparently, I’m not alone. ---
**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/16 "2010-04-24T20:30:01Z")
Oooh, I’d missed that there was a new “assessment test gems” thread! I love those threads! ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/17 "2010-04-24T20:35:42Z")
> [@Kyla](#): > > Oooh, I’d missed that there was a new “assessment test gems” thread! I love those threads! Likewise; they always make me giggle! ---
**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/18 "2010-04-24T20:37:46Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Apparently, you’ve got an axe to grind, but what the hell does this have to do with the thread you linked to? I have a theory that **threemae** has recognized his own work in that thread… Bring on the scorn, I say. Trashing other people’s writing is a traditional amongst all who wield a pen. I send these to my daughter who is in college and we share a hearty laugh over them. We also point and mock our own mistakes and bloopers. If you don’t enjoy it, don’t do it. Seems simple enough. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/19 "2010-04-24T20:50:06Z")
> [@vivalostwages](#): > > That said, if the “gem” threads are so offensive, they don’t have to be opened and read. Urrgh. Passive voice. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2010, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186/20 "2010-04-24T20:57:53Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > Urrgh. Passive voice. > 😛 I’ll cop to that. Don’t open and read the gem threads. I will also be sure not to include the redundant words “assessment” and “test” together in the thread title next time–and there WILL be a next time, since there are many more scoring sessions coming up and since the majority enjoy having some fun. I will certainly issue a full disclaimer in upcoming threads as well, letting people know that if they find anything offensive about these bloopers, they are more than welcome to find another thread to read. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-insight-on-assessment-test-essays/537186.md?page=2)