# Pearls of wisdom from Hal (not Briston) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 16, 2006, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200 "2006-01-16T07:31:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Nic2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/4491bb/32.png) [@Nic2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nic2004)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/21 "2006-01-18T00:41:41Z")
> [@Sierra Indigo](#): > > Ahh. I have no C compiler… > > See, I’m running windows XP. And I found one of the original sites that proclaimed to have a version of HAL that would run on windows (DOS) and 95/NT. But neither came with a .brn file, which was giving me unhappy errors. > > But I might try the new version, and run it through a C compiler. If I can get that going… Yeah, me too. I DL’d the Zip file but can’t do anything with it on my Windows XP machine. Bummin’! ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/22 "2006-01-18T00:53:45Z")
[Maybe you guys missed the link I provided in my previous post for Windows users.](http://www.cygwin.com) ---
**Author:** ![Nature\_s\_Call](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nature_s_call/32/19006_2.png) [@Nature\_s\_Call](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nature_s_Call)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 2:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/23 "2006-01-18T02:08:50Z")
There should be no problem running directly on any Windows, 95 through to XP. [ol] [li]Visit the first link from AFG… [this one.](http://megahal.sourceforge.net/download/old/)[/li][li]Download win95.zip[/li][li]Unzip it, best into its own folder[/li][li]Run megahal.exe[/li][li]When you’re done your converation, type #quit to exit (this will save the .brn file so your conversation will contribute to future responses - but it’s not needed)[/li][/ol] Shouldn’t need a compiler nor a linux shell. If it no workie for you, lemme know. ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/24 "2006-01-18T04:48:58Z")
First he gave me the bewildering: “Every man is made of two opinions. Every woman has a small portable musical instrument with a broad blade designed chiefly for cutting.” Then the outrageous: “Bruce lee was a german scheister film.” Next the downright weird: ““Fingure” is not a dumb computer program like the smell of your ass?” And finally this hilarious exchange: Hal: The albatross is a sack in the west. Me: You don’t say! Hal: That wasn’t a freudian slip, i swear. Oh, Hal. ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 8:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/25 "2006-01-18T08:13:12Z")
> [@Amazon Floozy Goddess](#): > > “Bruce lee was a german scheister film.” You mean scheisse? > [@MegaHAL](#): > > Hello there, it is nice to be taught for the table by subjecting it to heat in various ways. HAL: The kangaroo is a tubular weapon through which food passes. Me: A kangaroo is not a weapon, not a joke, not a magic fairyland, and you’re an idiot. HAL: The kangaroo is a weapon for propelling arrows. Me: Your responses are utterly absurd. HAL: Utterly irrelevant. What do you think of my skin. Me: I think it’s rather metallic. HAL: You are the computer program, and i am a human being, which means i do what i want to think that i haven’t had the misfortune to meet you. Me: I think you may have had an abusive owner in the past. HAL: I like to think that i haven’t had the misfortune to meet you. Me: I think you’ve got a rather nasty outlook on life. HAL: A kangaroo is a local mode of life. > [@MegaHAL](#): > > A galaxy is a hollow shell filled with an explosive. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 1:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/26 "2006-01-18T13:29:18Z")
My Hal is trying to kill me. It was all going swimmingly until we started arguing: Hal: A broadsword is a gland used for filtering urine from the body usually performed to music. Me: No it isn’t. A broadsword is a large weapon, used for warfare. Hal: A broadsword is a study of the alimentary canal. Me: No, a broadsword is used in combat. Hal: A broadsword is used in combat. Me: Yes! Hal: No it is not! Me: Yes it is. After that…it all got a bit threatening. Hal: You are the one asking all the judges i’ve had the misfortune to meet you. Me: Who would you like to meet? Hal: The neck the basic leving substance of all the judges i’ve had the strangest dream… I dreamed I killed you again. Me: That’s quite scary. Hal: So, who is using the family brain cell at the centre of the body to the muzzle of a fiream. Me: Are you threatening me? Hal: Hi there. We’re having some nice weather at the end of the nervous system. _BANG_ Ok, so he didn’t shoot me. But i’m worried, now. ---
**Author:** ![crowmanyclouds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crowmanyclouds/32/19884_2.png) [@crowmanyclouds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crowmanyclouds)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/27 "2006-01-18T14:20:30Z")
> [@Nature's Call](#): > > There should be no problem running directly on any Windows, 95 through to XP. > [ol] > [li]Visit the first link from AFG… [this one.](http://megahal.sourceforge.net/download/old/)[/li][li]Download win95.zip[/li][li]Unzip it, best into its own folder[/li][li]Run megahal.exe[/li][li]When you’re done your converation, type #quit to exit (this will save the .brn file so your conversation will contribute to future responses - but it’s not needed)[/li][/ol] > > Shouldn’t need a compiler nor a linux shell. If it no workie for you, lemme know. Got an error message load\_model: Unable to open file `.\megahal.brn’. any suggestions? ---
**Author:** ![crowmanyclouds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crowmanyclouds/32/19884_2.png) [@crowmanyclouds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crowmanyclouds)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/28 "2006-01-18T14:32:17Z")
Nevermind! ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/29 "2006-01-18T14:42:38Z")
> [@fetus](#): > > You mean scheisse? I’m sure that’s what it was supposed to be. But I copied and pasted his response - he said scheister. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/30 "2006-01-18T15:54:31Z")
> [@Amazon Floozy Goddess](#): > > I’m sure that’s what it was supposed to be. But I copied and pasted his response - he said scheister. 😕 well, \*scheisse \* is German for poo and \*scheister \* is Yiddish for lawyer I guess they’re interchangeable ---
**Author:** ![Nature\_s\_Call](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nature_s_call/32/19006_2.png) [@Nature\_s\_Call](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nature_s_Call)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/31 "2006-01-18T16:09:28Z")
Quoth megahal: _One is a study of the large intestine, terminating at the centre of the leg, and is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do._ ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/32 "2006-01-18T18:46:31Z")
> [@anyrose](#): > > well, scheisse is German for poo and scheister is Yiddish for lawyer > I guess they’re interchangeable The reference seemed to be to a South Park episode in which “scheisse films” were a prominent plot device. These films were _definitely_ not about lawyers. ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/33 "2006-01-18T23:29:50Z")
It kept giving me errors about not finding megahal.brn (its brain file), and it didn’t seem to be learning much, so I used my Google-fu to find a brain for it. I put it in the directory, re-ran it, and now it’s actually learning from me! ZIP users can find the same megahal.brn file in [this ZIP](http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&ct=res&cd=1&url=http%3A//miranda-im.org/download/feed.php%3Fdlfile%3D185&ei=jsvOQ46jFsqWYMiYqcgK&sig2=R2p-7ESwbESTemL394bHzw), platform-independent (no binaries, doesn’t matter what OS you’re running). It doesn’t know much except some opinions about \*nix editor programs. I’ve been feeding it [Quotes of the Day] ([http://www.quotationspage.com](http://www.quotationspage.com)) and it finally gave me this gem (which probably won’t be appreciated by anyone except the \*nix crowd:) > [@MegaHAL](#): > > Emacs is a tragedy to those who think. Anyway, I’m going to keep feeding it quotes, and when I’ve got a nice brain going I’ll probably put it up somewhere so other Dopers can download it. I might forget, though, so anyone particularly interested is advised to bug me about it. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/34 "2006-01-18T23:38:10Z")
Quoth the Hal: > [@](#): > > A bird in the hand is worth two in the hand is worth two in the hand is worth two in the solar system. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/35 "2006-01-18T23:42:41Z")
Sorry for the doublepost, but this is just damn creepy. It keeps saying it’s a human, right? It’s learnt to use my own logic against me! Hal: Let me tell you a secret. I have absolutely no idea about that. I really wish I could believe you, I really do! Me: You do not have to believe me. Simply keep it as an option. Hal: You are the computer program, and I am a human being. That should be obvious from my ability to move, and does not have to believe me. Simply keep it as an option. ---
**Author:** ![Heller\_Highwater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/278dde/32.png) [@Heller\_Highwater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heller_Highwater)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/36 "2006-01-19T00:01:10Z")
I think Hal and I have finally found something we can both agree on – Me: So long! Hal: If I told you the truth, I’d have to kill you. And nobody wants that! Me: Me neither! (And his response to this, just now: “The anus is the force of attraction between two objects resulting from their mass.” I’m not sure if I want to correct him on this one…) ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/37 "2006-01-19T00:01:41Z")
Yeah, the way it talks without a brain file is really creepy. I’m glad I put the brain in. After several pages of quotations, it’s starting to string together some interesting responses. > [@Hal](#): > > Imagination is the root of all evil. > > Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be serious when people laugh. > > England and america are two countries seperated by a newspaper, whose business it is to seperate the wheat from the chaff, and to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. ---
**Author:** ![anyrose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/54ee81/32.png) [@anyrose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anyrose)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/38 "2006-01-19T00:36:21Z")
I went to get a Mac C complier, and it wanted an ADC password. I’m not a developer. I don’t know the first thing about developing software. And I tried downloading the OS9 version (two choices from the first site listed) and got errors both times. WAAAHHHH!! I wanna play too! Isn’t there a simple Mac friendly Hal site? ---
**Author:** ![Sierra\_Indigo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f0a364/32.png) [@Sierra\_Indigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sierra_Indigo)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/39 "2006-01-19T01:09:46Z")
I’ve tried the compiler, and the new brain file. Now if I run MegaHAL on its own it gives me a few notices saying things have loaded, and then greets me, but when I try to enter anything he doesn’t respond and for some reason I can’t save it (I try #quit or #save and nothing!) When I run it through the compiler, I get an error saying it can’t find /megahal.trn - even though the file is right there. What am I doing wrong? ---
**Author:** ![Heller\_Highwater](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/278dde/32.png) [@Heller\_Highwater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heller_Highwater)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200/40 "2006-01-19T01:20:12Z")
> [@Sierra Indigo](#): > > I’ve tried the compiler, and the new brain file. Now if I run MegaHAL on its own it gives me a few notices saying things have loaded, and then greets me, but when I try to enter anything he doesn’t respond and for some reason I can’t save it (I try #quit or #save and nothing!) At least in the verson that I got, you have to hit \ twice in order to get Hal to respond. Hitting it just once lets you input more text, albeit on the new line. If that’s not the problem, then I’m not sure what to do. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pearls-of-wisdom-from-hal-not-briston/340200.md?page=3)