# People always asking: (Is the person you're meeting) "he or a she?" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 2, 2019, 6:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263 "2019-12-02T06:43:45Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Tamerlane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tamerlane/32/7602_2.png) [@Tamerlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamerlane)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2019, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/21 "2019-12-02T17:31:28Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > If you know they’re going to potentially ask you such a question that you’d rather not answer, why the hell would you tell them you’re meeting _anyone_ in the first place? Why tell them you’re doing anything? Kind of where I come down. To whit: “See you later.” “Where are you going?” “Oh, I’ve got some stuff to take care of.” “What kind of stuff?” “Eh, just stuff.” If people are being nosy to the point of bothering you, just stop volunteering hints about your life. There is nothing wrong with being neurotically private. I mean, maybe there is, but that’s between me…err…_you_ and your therapist ;). ETA: Eh, already covered by several other people. But whatever - it’s still sound advice. Close-mouthed is the way to go. ---
**Author:** ![lingyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d2c977/32.png) [@lingyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lingyi)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2019, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/22 "2019-12-02T17:54:27Z")
Why does it matter if you get the side eye? At 32, the details of your personal affairs are yours only. As I stated in another thread, I always introduced my girlfriend by her first name only and generally ignored any further inquiry. I induced some side-eyes, but I just ignored them and the next time there was no inquiry. ---
**Author:** ![Mallard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Mallard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mallard)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2019, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/23 "2019-12-02T18:14:04Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > I’ve had a string of failed relationships, and the latest episode was this year, where my girlfriend and I were \*\*\*this \*\*\*close to getting married (indeed, she was already more of a fiancee by then than a girlfriend) but the relationship ended in the summer. > > Enough about that, though. The real question I wanted to ask was this: What is a polite way to say “It’s not your business” when people (especially, parents,) ask: “Is this friend a he or a she?” anytime they find out that you’re hanging out with a friend or someone? At age 32, I am at the point where my parents seem to automatically assume that any woman I meet is supposed to be a prospective mate, and ditto for some other nosy people in my life. When they interrogate, “Is this friend a he or a she?” it 1) makes it seem like as if, if I were dating a woman, that I’m, well, somehow doing something \*wrong \*or sneaky or 2) I just want to find a polite way to tell them that it is none of their business. > > Problem is, I think in part due to my string of recent failed relationships, my parents are particularly caught in this mindset of “\*\*Velocity \*\*needs a wife, therefore every or most social interactions must somehow relate to dating or marriage.” > > Ignoring the question is not an option - it will be repeated again and again, or, silence will be taken as confirmation of yes. If I say “This woman and I are just friends,” that often just invites the side-eye - “uh huh, _sure_, you’re just friends…” > > **How to politely tell family, relatives and others to mind their own business**? Simple. Tell them you hope to know by the time you get home. ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2019, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/24 "2019-12-02T18:14:09Z")
I gotta throw in with the “if you’re going to have a boundary about something, make sure the line is drawn in the correct place” side of this. If a person brings up a topic – new car, new restaurant in the neighborhood, new friend – I think it is well within normal social behavior to ask for more general details. Asking whether a new friend is platonic or romantic does not strike me as intrusive, not really any more so than asking whether the new car is sporty and fast or more of a utility thing. (Don’t read into that analogy too deeply, of course!) That holds true even when the other party has an ulterior motive, like wanting you to buy a massive SUV, or avoid fatty and unhealthy foods, or whatever. It’s still a reasonable question on its face. So if the question of romantic/platonic is to be avoided, the whole topic of friends should be avoided. ---
**Author:** ![ftg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ftg/32/2801_2.png) [@ftg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ftg)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2019, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/25 "2019-12-02T20:33:21Z")
“Is this friend a he or a she?” “Probably one of those.” ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2019, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/26 "2019-12-03T06:01:10Z")
“It’s rude to ask you dealer’s gender, _Mom_.” ---
**Author:** ![RioRico](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f04885/32.png) [@RioRico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RioRico)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2019, 9:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/27 "2019-12-03T09:01:02Z")
“Conjoined twins, one of each. I can’t say more.” ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [December 3, 2019, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/28 "2019-12-03T13:36:41Z")
I’m guessing the underlying question is actually ‘Is this a date?’ and that’s what you’re trying to avoid answering. In my case, I usually just explain that it’s a friend from college/high school that I haven’t seen in a few years or that I recently found on facebook and we’re going out for a drink. ---
**Author:** ![Hari\_Seldon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hari_seldon/32/5173_2.png) [@Hari\_Seldon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hari_Seldon)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2019, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/29 "2019-12-04T03:34:48Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > Tell them the friend is non-binary and use the pronoun “them” or “they” - “My friend is non-binary and the relationship hasn’t progressed to where were are comparing crotch configurations. Do you want an update when their underwear finally comes off?” > > Alright, that’s my evil side, but just imagine the looks on their faces… I love your evil side Broomstick.😃 ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2019, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/30 "2019-12-04T04:43:34Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > If someone asks me a question I do not care to field, I chuckle and maybe shake my head, like I cannot believe they’d even ask. Period. End of interaction. Unless someone is extremely dense, they’ll get the hint. [Haha, please](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hKspgG8sxE). ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2019, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/31 "2019-12-04T14:52:41Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > If you don’t want to offer any information to your parents about someone don’t mention em to your parents. This. Don’t offer information if you aren’t willing to answer the follow-up questions. ---
**Author:** ![Kovitlac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/2bfe46/32.png) [@Kovitlac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kovitlac)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2019, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/32 "2019-12-04T21:18:30Z")
Up until recently I worked at the same job for about 7-8 years, and almost NEVER brought up my relationship status (they knew I wasn’t married, and that was it). If someone asked if I was seeing anyone I’d say nah (I’ve been talking to someone for a couple years, but we are not official, and I didn’t feel like explaining) and that was that. I had one older coworker who, while generally a sweet old man, would ask me all the time if I or my brother (my brother worked the same job for awhile and this guy LOVED him) are seeing anyone yet. When I’d inevitably say no, he’d shake his head and say I’d better get moving. Irritating, but not enough so that I felt the need to tell him off. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2019, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/33 "2019-12-04T21:24:55Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > When they interrogate, “Is this friend a he or a she?” it 1) makes it seem like as if, if I were dating a woman, that I’m, well, somehow doing something \*wrong \*or sneaky or 2) I just want to find a polite way to tell them that it is none of their business. Why don’t you just tell them “I don’t really see gender in binary terms like that”? ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2019, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/34 "2019-12-04T21:36:03Z")
> [@Martin Blank](#): > > I respect it’s privacy. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![naita](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/naita/32/5862_2.png) [@naita](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/naita)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2019, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/35 "2019-12-05T00:09:56Z")
“If it ever becomes relevant to you, they can tell you themselves.” ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2019, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/36 "2019-12-05T20:24:52Z")
Just say “Why do you need to know?” ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2019, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/37 "2019-12-05T21:28:58Z")
For those saying ‘Just don’t mention friends’, that isn’t as easy as you think for sufficiently determined parents. My mother’s the same; I mention anyone, in pretty much any context, and my mother assumes we’re probably dating. New neighbour? Dating them. New co-worker who I’m helping train? Dating. Drunken lunatic threw a brick through the window? Ooh, he clearly likes you! Got a picture? Maybe when he gets back out! You manage an entire conversation without admitting to the existence of another human, and OoooOoh you’re clearly hiding something, who is he/she? I won’t tell anyone! ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2019, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/38 "2019-12-05T21:45:19Z")
“Well mom, nowadays you can never be sure. I could ask them to come show you their genitalia if you want.” ---
**Author:** ![Mallard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Mallard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mallard)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2019, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/39 "2019-12-06T01:08:24Z")
> [@begbert2](#): > > “Well mom, nowadays you can never be sure. I could ask them to come show you their genitalia if you want.” I think there was another thread on that issue. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2019, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263/40 "2019-12-06T02:10:54Z")
> [@Filbert](#): > > For those saying ‘Just don’t mention friends’, that isn’t as easy as you think for sufficiently determined parents. My mother’s the same; I mention anyone, in pretty much any context, and my mother assumes we’re probably dating. New neighbour? Dating them. New co-worker who I’m helping train? Dating. Drunken lunatic threw a brick through the window? Ooh, he clearly likes you! Got a picture? Maybe when he gets back out! > > You manage an entire conversation without admitting to the existence of another human, and OoooOoh you’re clearly hiding something, who is he/she? I won’t tell anyone! Thanks - yes, this is kind of the issue. As a 32 old single male, I have to be cautious about mentioning spending time hanging out with any single woman because people will automatically jump to conclusions. My mother has written a long, winding email to me before, for instance, urging me not to get into a relationship so quickly with a particular female friend (let’s call her Sherry) even when I was NOT in any relationship with Sherry at all, nor did Sherry have any such intentions towards me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-always-asking-is-the-person-youre-meeting-he-or-a-she/844263.md?page=3)