# People do not know how to act around mixed heritage people **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [February 23, 2011, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389 "2011-02-23T22:04:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/121 "2011-02-25T13:22:47Z")
> [@MegaBee](#): > > It’s happened to me. I had an afro at the time, and the person wanting to do the touching was always white. Sometimes it was a classmate. Other times, it was a friend’s parent. Didn’t there used to be (like a century ago) a really offensive racist thing where white southerners believed they’d somehow get good luck by patting a black person on the head? I can see where that’d cause some sensitivity on this handed down from generation to generation. ---
**Author:** ![Lo-Slung\_Denim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f6c823/32.png) [@Lo-Slung\_Denim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lo-Slung_Denim)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/122 "2011-02-25T13:46:20Z")
Just a little bit of anecdotal blah blah, in case it’s interesting: I am white British, and I live in London. I do not recall ever having overheard anyone ask anyone else ‘what are you’ or another variation, much less argue the point of it with them. Perhaps because a) strangers don’t talk to each other in London and b) London is SO FULL of different nationalities, ethnicities etc and mixes thereof, that no one takes much interest. I don’t recall ever having asked anyone where they were from, meaning their ethnic background. But, the interesting bit(to me at least), people have asked me numerous times. Not strangers so much as say friends of friends, usually in bars. A few times in a workplace environment. Person: Where are you from? Me: Well I live in [district of South London] Person: No, I mean where are you from originally? Me: Oh, I was born in Cambridge [city about 50 miles from London] Person: Oh really? I thought you were Danish/Swedish/Finnish. But they never argue with me that I \*must \*be one of the above. Presume this lack of argument is afforded to me because either way, I’m still white. This presumably comes from having very very blonde hair and fair skin, however just dyed it ‘not blonde’ although only six days ago so not long enough to make any comparison 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/123 "2011-02-25T13:49:41Z")
Uh… I’ve had black girls touch my hair. I’m white, had long hair at the time. Maybe it was different. It was sort of flirty… and I liked it. But it was a tactile thing, if you know what I mean. ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/124 "2011-02-25T14:15:21Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > So you can’t see why it’s annoying to have that kind of conversation with a stranger? > > They ask you a question that’s intrusive to begin with, and then instead of graciously accepting that answer and slithering back into oblivion–like any good stranger should do–they pull you into a discussion about how you defy whatever image they have of people in your racial/ethnic group? As if that isn’t already obvious to you (since they asked you that question to begin with)? > > It’s a lot like asking someone how much they weigh and then pointing out that their answer conflicts with your preconceived estimate. Rude. As I mentioned, I _have_ been having that kind of conversation for about forty years now and the vast majority ot the time it doesn’t bother me in the least. Same as when I’m told I don’t \*look \*Jewish, which is really shorthand for I don’t have a prominent nose. Your comparison it to asking someone’s weight makes no sense to me. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/125 "2011-02-25T14:18:48Z")
> [@WOOKINPANUB](#): > > Your comparison it to asking someone’s weight makes no sense to me. Why not? ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/126 "2011-02-25T14:35:46Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Why not? I can’t speak for Wook, but I can see a difference. Being a particular race isn’t inherently bad. Being overweight is. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/127 "2011-02-25T14:45:07Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > Uh… I’ve had black girls touch my hair. I’m white, had long hair at the time. > > Maybe it was different. It was sort of flirty… and I liked it. But it was a tactile thing, if you know what I mean. Yeah, I venture that someone flirting with you is different than someone treating you like an exhibit at a petting zoo. ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/128 "2011-02-25T15:11:23Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > I can’t speak for Wook, but I can see a difference. > > Being a particular race isn’t inherently bad. Being overweight is. Thank you. I was also writing a perfectly cromulent response to **rogerbox** that the hamsters either ate or will show up half finished in a moment. I don’t have time to redo it right now but what I’ve been trying to get at is that unless we’re talking about blatant discrimination or physical harm I don’t see how some random, possibly evil but more probably curious and stupid strangers’ questions can cause such distress. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/129 "2011-02-25T15:39:25Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > I can’t speak for Wook, but I can see a difference. > > Being a particular race isn’t inherently bad. Being overweight is. I’m not the closest thing to overweight, but I still would find a stranger inquiring about my weight intrusive and weird. Even if they were doing so in a manner that suggested they thought I weighed less than I do. ---
**Author:** ![rogerbox](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/76d3ee/32.png) [@rogerbox](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rogerbox)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/130 "2011-02-25T15:49:00Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Bullshit. That’s not what you said in your OP, and it’s not what anyone else said until **monstro** came along and introduced some sense into this conversation. Exactly what was bullshit? I basically RESTATED my OP in the post you quoted. You quoted: > [@](#): > > I’m wondering how you could’ve comprehensively read through this thread and asked this question. No one is being insulted by someone politely inquiring as to my ETHNICITY In my OP: > [@](#): > > If you REALLY are curious, and I am sometimes too, what I will do is a) get to know someone first, and b) say, “excuse me but I’m just curious, what kind of ethnic background do you have?” People try to dance around the issue and ask “Where are your parents from?” When I reply “Chicago” they go “YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!” :mad: > [@](#): > > You and others have flat out said that someone asking about your racial heritage offends you. No I did not. I said someone asking in a rude idiotic way when they are a complete stranger to me is annoying. > [@](#): > > Some have even pointed out that they know the person isn’t trying to be offensive. And yet they are still offended. I’ve given an example of an offensive twat who tried to give me the Spanish Inquisition over my race in a catfish place. I’ve noticed none of you people arguing with me have answered my question: Is that person being smart or stupid, rude or polite? I’m not going to respond to you anymore until you answer that question. That is what type of encounter this thread is about. I am sorry nuance escapes you. > [@](#): > > In fact my first instinct was to point out how I’ve successfully talked to people about racial or ethnic heritage, and often the first time we’ve ever met. And if it annoyed or offended them, they sure have an odd way of showing it, lighting up, talking about it at length, and then continuing to talk to me on a regular basis, often to the point where we become friends. Congratulations, that doesn’t contradict anything I’ve said here, even if it does in your brain. I never said ALL mixed race people do not want you to EVER ask them about their race. I said if you are a perfect stranger and if it isn’t any of your business (which it is not), don’t be a rude twat and go up to someone and demand “What are yOU??” and then argue with someone over the answer. Since these people apparently became your friends, you obviously did not approach them this way, so it’s not even what I’m talking about, so what is your problem? > [@](#): > > I’m sorry it offends you, but it doesn’t offend a lot of people, and I can’t please everyone. I’m not going to again be one of those people who tiptoes around the subject, constantly being aware of your race and treating you differently because of it. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I HAVE GIVEN MULTIPLE EXAMPLES OF RUDE WAYS TO ASK, AND PERSONAL REAL LIFE EXAMPLES OF WHEN _I_ have been curious and asked someone in a polite, non-offensive manner. Learn to read. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/131 "2011-02-25T15:53:18Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Yeah, I venture that someone flirting with you is different than someone treating you like an exhibit at a petting zoo. No doubt. What I kind of meant, though, is that I may have _interpreted_ it differently at the time–with more flirting and less petting zoo aspects–because I’m a white guy and the interest was coming from a couple cute black girls. I don’t know what that means exactly, except that the interest in hair can definitely work both ways. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/132 "2011-02-25T15:59:37Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > I’m not the closest thing to overweight, but I still would find a stranger inquiring about my weight intrusive and weird. Even if they were doing so in a manner that suggested they thought I weighed less than I do. Right. I realize that. I was just, for shorthand, going with the most common reason one would see weight as inherently bad in our society. So that would be the reason why asking about race is different than asking about weight; because race isn’t inherently bad and being overweight is. I do understand that it is rude and intrusive for someone to imply that a slender woman is underweight or whatever. Again, I was just using shorthand to make a point. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/133 "2011-02-25T16:27:26Z")
In general, I find it irrelevant and only ask unless I’m trying to understand the other person and I suspect there might be some cultural thing that is preventing me from understanding an action or point of view. For example, my Latino exBF did not take kindly to my “your mom” jokes. He explained to me, from a cultural standpoint how “your mom” insults are uncool in Latino world. To which I would go, “Yeah, but you’re living in this white chica’s world now, baby, so I will insult your mom if I feel like it. And, btw, your mom is a poon face.” 😃 I would never say such a thing to someone I hadn’t already seen nekkid a dozen times or so. In the event that I do feel compelled to inquire (for the purpose of cross-cultural understanding), I will also give my ethnic heritage so we’re both revealing something personal. “So… what’s your ethnic heritage, if you don’t mind my asking? I’m mostly Scottish and German, with a bit of English and Irish mixed in. All of that means I can pretty much hold my liquor. [LOL] How 'bout you?” Anyone find that offensive? ---
**Author:** ![WOOKINPANUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wookinpanub/32/132_2.png) [@WOOKINPANUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WOOKINPANUB)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/134 "2011-02-25T16:28:28Z")
Okay, so I read the part about the “catfish incident” and I will say that yes the individual in question is lacking in the social graces to say the least, assuming it went down precisely as the the OP states > [@rogerbxo](#): > > It HAS been about how many times I’ve had this exact conversation I had on 71st and State st. in Chicago while waiting to pick up my order of catfish to go: > > “Where are you from?” > “Here.” > “no… (rising anger) I mean where are your PARENTS from.” > “Evanston.” > “NO!! (more angry) I MEAN, ARE YOU ARABIC?” > “No.” > _looks at me suspiciously like I’m a liar_ “Are you mexican then?” > “No.” > “WELL YOU LOOK ARABIC!” Rising anger? Looking at you suspiciously? Was English this person’s first language because this sounds very odd. Considering you’ve had this exact exchange so many times I’d imagine that you know exactly what the person is getting at would find a way to handle the situatuon that doesn’t end with you feeling pissed off.Unless of course you honeslty didn’t know what he meant. ---
**Author:** ![Onomatopoeia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/onomatopoeia/32/4145_2.png) [@Onomatopoeia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Onomatopoeia)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/135 "2011-02-25T16:53:25Z")
> [@Lo-Slung\_Denim](#): > > Just a little bit of anecdotal blah blah, in case it’s interesting: > > I am white British, and I live in London. I do not recall ever having overheard anyone ask anyone else ‘what are you’ or another variation, much less argue the point of it with them. Perhaps because a) strangers don’t talk to each other in London and b) London is SO FULL of different nationalities, ethnicities etc and mixes thereof, that no one takes much interest. I think Europe in general, and England in particular has a higher percentage of its population than the US who could be said to be of ambiguous ethnic heritage. I’ve been to England 8 or 9 times for work and, in London in particular, I see an awful lot of people who look like me and, to be honest, it comforts me, and gives me a sappy, saccharine sense of hope for the future of Humanity. I’ve even found myself saying “The Europeans get it.” Yeah, barf, I know. Contrast this to places I’ve been in the US where I was probably the only mixed race person within a hundred miles in any direction, or in Kansas where I was raised and treated like an extraterrestrial until I was able to hightail it out of there when I went away to college. Of course I realize there’s racism in Europe, including GB, but it is difficult to dismiss the general sense that interaction among the races, even to the level of sexual congress, marriage, and procreation, is simply normal. ---
**Author:** ![Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/regallag_the_axe/32/445_2.png) [@Regallag\_The\_Axe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Regallag_The_Axe)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/136 "2011-02-25T17:01:27Z")
> [@rogerbox](#): > > For example, you would never hear that your asian friend, is going to marry another asian person, and then say “OH MY GOD, YOUR KIDS ARE GOING TO JUST BE SO GOOD AT MATH!” I’m just chiming in to say that I **would** say things like that to my friends. And the friend I say that to would laugh and throw some white person stereotype back and me and would both laugh. But we rag on each mercilessly, so YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![Pullet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@Pullet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pullet)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/137 "2011-02-25T19:32:40Z")
\ For the purposes of statistics, what ethnicity do you most strongly identify with? \: Mixed. \: Oh, so you’re half black / half white? \: Uh, no. There are more mixes than that. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/138 "2011-02-25T19:37:38Z")
> [@Pullet](#): > > \ For the purposes of statistics, what ethnicity do you most strongly identify with? > \: Mixed. > \: Oh, so you’re half black / half white? > \: Uh, no. There are more mixes than that. Next time, instead of ‘mixed’, say ‘swirled’. ---
**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/139 "2011-02-25T20:22:28Z")
> [@Onomatopoeia](#): > > I think Europe in general, and England in particular has a higher percentage of its population than the US who could be said to be of ambiguous ethnic heritage. I’ve been to England 8 or 9 times for work and, in London in particular, I see an awful lot of people who look like me and, to be honest, it comforts me, and gives me a sappy, saccharine sense of hope for the future of Humanity. I’ve even found myself saying “The Europeans get it.” Yeah, barf, I know. Contrast this to places I’ve been in the US where I was probably the only mixed race person within a hundred miles in any direction, or in Kansas where I was raised and treated like an extraterrestrial until I was able to hightail it out of there when I went away to college. > > Of course I realize there’s racism in Europe, including GB, but it is difficult to dismiss the general sense that interaction among the races, even to the level of sexual congress, marriage, and procreation, is simply normal. Next time you’re in Europe ask some people what they think about the gypsies and see what kind of racism-free paradise it really is. ---
**Author:** ![villa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/bc79bd/32.png) [@villa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/villa)\ **Post date:** [February 25, 2011, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389/140 "2011-02-25T20:30:28Z")
> [@Kyla](#): > > Next time you’re in Europe ask some people what they think about the gypsies and see what kind of racism-free paradise it really is. Exactly. I wish **Onomatopoeia** had said “[o]f course I realize there’s racism in Europe” because that would have much more accurately reflected the situation. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-do-not-know-how-to-act-around-mixed-heritage-people/572389.md?page=8)