# People joining me at cafe table without being invited. Should I be vexed? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 9, 2010, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555 "2010-04-09T17:16:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![FallenAngel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@FallenAngel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FallenAngel)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/21 "2010-04-09T19:09:41Z")
If someone asks to take a chair that’s not being used to another table or to join me if I have an open seat, I’ll pretty much always say yes. If someone just plops their ass down at my table without asking, I’ll just about always say something to effect of, “Excuse me? Would you mind fucking off, please?” in a very cheery tone. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/22 "2010-04-09T19:28:20Z")
So **Skald** , is there going to be a Douglas-Adams-biscuit-anecdote follow up post? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/23 "2010-04-09T19:42:56Z")
> [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > “my table”? Sir, it is not _your_ table. It belongs to Starbucks. She’ll sit where she damn well pleases. It’s clear that this isn’t one of those me-and-a-friend tables, but a rather large one that’s meant to accompany at least two groups of people. > > Given that the table is meant for two or more groups of people, you only get to claim half of it. I wouldn’t ask to use the other half any sooner than I’d ask to use the table next to you or across from you. The fact that her part is attached to your part is irrelevant. **Chessic** , the word _my_ has more than one meaning; it does not necessarily imply ownership, and that was clearly not the sense in which I used it. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/24 "2010-04-09T19:44:10Z")
> [@FallenAngel](#): > > If someone asks to take a chair that’s not being used to another table or to join me if I have an open seat, I’ll pretty much always say yes. If someone just plops their ass down at my table without asking, I’ll just about always say something to effect of, “Excuse me? Would you mind fucking off, please?” in a very cheery tone. I can’t imagine saying no to a chair request, unless the chair were empty only for a moment because my companion was in the restroom or whatnot. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/25 "2010-04-09T19:51:34Z")
> [@muldoonthief](#): > > So **Skald** , is there going to be a Douglas-Adams-biscuit-anecdote follow up post? There almost was one! When Rob sat down, I was listening to music via earphones. I took them out while we were talking, and then, for no special reason not also unplugged them. When Beyotch sat without saying anything I didn’t put them back in, because I wanted to give her a fair chance to ask if I minded her sitting there. She left before I did, but not by long. As I was packing up I could not find the earphones on the table, and briefly I thought, “That hootchie stole my $30 earphones.” Which were of course in my pocket. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/26 "2010-04-09T19:51:49Z")
> [@Antinor01](#): > > Your friend was fine, the stranger was being rude. I agree, but I’m too polite to say anything about it most of the time. If this sharing tables thing is common at Starbucks, I’d probably quit going there if I was a regular customer. Generally, if I’m at a table eating, I’m also reading a newspaper, and I do not want to be bothered. By anybody who isn’t the waitress bringing me stuff. Unless the botheree is incredibly attractive, flirty, and indicates her desire to sex me up in clear and certain terms. That’s acceptable…after the Sports Page, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e480ec/32.png) [@Least\_Original\_User\_Name\_Ever](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Least_Original_User_Name_Ever)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/27 "2010-04-09T19:57:24Z")
Nope. If they’re male, give them a firm handshake. If female, a rigorous bout of intercourse. Or, you could strike up conversation with them if they sit at your table if they don’t first. They _should_, but if they don’t, then say hi. ---
**Author:** ![tumbleddown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e9bcb4/32.png) [@tumbleddown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tumbleddown)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/28 "2010-04-09T19:58:13Z")
If it was a table for two, or even a table for four, then that kind of behavior is unacceptably rude. You open your mouth, you say “do you mind?” The little noises that keep things socially lubricated. ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/29 "2010-04-09T20:05:39Z")
(This could have been a romantic-comedy “meet cute”, had she been a ditzy Meg Ryan type, and asked if it was OK if she sat there. yeah, right. :rolleyes:) I am a super-shy uptight type and I don’t think I’d even have the nerve to ask if I could share a table. She should have asked. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/30 "2010-04-09T21:18:11Z")
Do you get upset when somebody takes the bar stool next to yours? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/31 "2010-04-09T21:25:45Z")
> [@spark240](#): > > Do you get upset when somebody takes the bar stool next to yours? I don’t go to bars, so I’m not sure any answer I can give will be meaningful. But, as I said in the OP, I’d have said “yes” if the woman had asked me if she could sit there, and would probably have offered her a seat if I’d noticed her looking for one (I have offered to share my table in the past, and even relinquished it when, say, two people with laptops were struggling to share one of the little tables). It was moving Rob’s detritus and sitting down without comment that came closest to irking me. ---
**Author:** ![Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b38774/32.png) [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Attack_from_the_3rd_dimension)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/32 "2010-04-09T21:46:58Z")
Maybe she saw Rob go, and figured you were just, y’know, ‘easy’. Actually, I agree with Cat Whisperer and the rest, and I would also feel irked. ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/33 "2010-04-09T21:47:24Z")
The polite thing to do is to say “Is someone sitting here?” even when it’s clear there isn’t and you intend to take the seat anyways. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/34 "2010-04-09T21:50:57Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I don’t go to bars, so I’m not sure any answer I can give will be meaningful. It could be a coffee shop, or a taco joint, or a diner. Any place that used a bar table with fixed stools in a line. Needn’t be an alcohol bar. I _think_ most people would agree that, unless a friend is expected back at a given stool, nobody has any “claim” on adjacent spots at any sort of bar. (At some alcohol bars, it is apparently presumed that one not only has no claim on the adjacent spot, but also no claim on the space _between_ one’s own spot and the adjacent one.) From my point of view, the only thing wrong with what she did is that (apparently) she didn’t acknowledge your presence/fellow humanity with a polite greeting as, or just after, she sat down. Nor did you, her, it seems. I don’t go to Starbucks, so I don’t know what kind of culture they typically have. > [@mnemosyne](#): > > The polite thing to do is to say “Is someone sitting here?” even when it’s clear there isn’t and you intend to take the seat anyways. Okay. I guess I see that. Hey, what do you do when the response is, “yeah, **I am** ”? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![mnemosyne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@mnemosyne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mnemosyne)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/35 "2010-04-09T22:21:13Z")
“Oh, sorry, I thought you were sitting in _that_ chair. You know, the one with your ass in it?” ---
**Author:** ![Staggerlee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/staggerlee/32/3134_2.png) [@Staggerlee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Staggerlee)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/36 "2010-04-09T23:19:26Z")
Tsk. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/37 "2010-04-09T23:37:17Z")
I would have asked to sit down. I would have liked for them to ask. If they didn’t I would have smiled and gave a slight nod and went on with whatever I was doing. ---
**Author:** ![Mtgman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5a626/32.png) [@Mtgman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mtgman)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/38 "2010-04-09T23:46:52Z")
Meh, the person who was with you earlier had left, and left it uncleared. If she hadn’t seen you talking then what she sees is a table which is half occupied and which clearly had two parties at it, so it must be a multi-party table, no different from the 8-seater, but maybe closer to the window, or bathroom, or something which pleased her aesthetically for her artistic endeavor. Since you weren’t taking responsibility for the uncleared portion of the table, you’d sent a signal that it wasn’t yours, so it was available to anyone who wanted it. If you had been sitting at a table which had been cleared of everything but your stuff, that would say to me “this guy has claimed the table” but sitting opposite someone’s mess means you have only claimed the non-cleared part of the table, and therefore that’s all you wanted to use and the rest is available to any patron willing to bus a table themselves. In other words, you claimed the whole table, relinquished your claim to your friend, then when he left he relinquished his claim, but you didn’t re-claim it, so it was hers if she wanted it. Enjoy, Steven ---
**Author:** ![boytyperanma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4491bb/32.png) [@boytyperanma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boytyperanma)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2010, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/39 "2010-04-09T23:59:48Z")
She should have said something. I’d prefer it be ‘mind if I sit here’ or ‘is this seat taken’. Maybe even ‘I can’t believe some jerk left their trash here’. Just anything to alert you to the fact she was entering your personal vicinity. I don’t think it’s to much to ask for people to be social to each other. She was being rude. ---
**Author:** ![Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/heffalump_and_roo/32/7691_2.png) [@Heffalump\_and\_Roo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heffalump_and_Roo)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 6:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/40 "2010-04-10T06:08:56Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Unless the botheree is incredibly attractive, flirty, and indicates her desire to sex me up in clear and certain terms. Cash or credit? 😛 As to the OP, I’m not sure if it’s rude, but it does seem odd. What was the point? Did she try to engage you in conversation? Did she just want to have some human contact? Was she trying to conserve space? If she was sharing a small table, that would seem to just give her less space. Why would she choose to do that? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555.md?page=3)