# People joining me at cafe table without being invited. Should I be vexed? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 9, 2010, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555 "2010-04-09T17:16:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/41 "2010-04-10T06:10:23Z")
> [@Mtgman](#): > > Meh, the person who was with you earlier had left, and left it uncleared. If she hadn’t seen you talking then what she sees is a table which is half occupied and which clearly had two parties at it, so it must be a multi-party table, no different from the 8-seater, but maybe closer to the window, or bathroom, or something which pleased her aesthetically for her artistic endeavor. Since you weren’t taking responsibility for the uncleared portion of the table, you’d sent a signal that it wasn’t yours, so it was available to anyone who wanted it. > > If you had been sitting at a table which had been cleared of everything but your stuff, that would say to me “this guy has claimed the table” but sitting opposite someone’s mess means you have only claimed the non-cleared part of the table, and therefore that’s all you wanted to use and the rest is available to any patron willing to bus a table themselves. > > In other words, you claimed the whole table, relinquished your claim to your friend, then when he left he relinquished his claim, but you didn’t re-claim it, so it was hers if she wanted it. > > Enjoy, > Steven That’s silly. The fact that the trash is there actually implies that the seat is still taken. Heck, for all she knows, it could have been Skald’s trash that he was using to claim the table, and would pick it all up when he finally got up. I’ve never heard of this idea of just sitting at the same table of a stranger. Even the friend was rude if he didn’t at least start the conversation before he sat down, and do that little half sit thing to give you a chance to object. A stranger has to flat out ask. And Skald should have called her on it–how else is someone supposed to learn that what they did was a faux pas? Of course, you do it politely. I believe the correct response is: “Oh, yeah, I guess you can sit there. My friend’s already gone.” ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2010, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/42 "2010-04-10T07:39:20Z")
She was rude, but umm… was she hot? Did you say anything to her? Haha. I’m so juvenile. ---
**Author:** ![Fair\_Rarity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fair_rarity/32/153_2.png) [@Fair\_Rarity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fair_Rarity)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/43 "2010-04-11T04:38:52Z")
I think you have the right to be vexed that she didn’t even pretend to be polite, not that she wanted to sit there at all. (Which is what I think you’re saying anyway). She doesn’t even have to beg permission, but plopping down and saying “There aren’t any other places to sit,” at least acknowledges the situation. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/44 "2010-04-11T04:50:38Z")
I would expect to be asked in those circumstances, just in case the seat was taken by someone who had stepped away to purchase something. But since that wasn’t the case it wouldn’t worry me in the slightest. If I am sitting alone somewhere busy and people are carrying food or drinks obviously looking for somewhere to sit I offer them my table, even if I will end up surrounded by a group of people I don’t know. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/45 "2010-04-11T14:47:03Z")
> [@Autolycus](#): > > She was rude, but umm… was she hot? Did you say anything to her? Haha. I’m so juvenile. Yes, hotness trumps rudeness. This is a key piece of the discussion we are missing. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/46 "2010-04-11T15:02:46Z")
I would probably ask if anybody was sitting there, but certainly wouldn’t ask for permission. It’s a public place, after all, without assigned seating or waitstaff. Americans are entirely too territorial and defensive about things, IMO. It’s normal in Europe to sit at any available seat, regardless of whether or not someone is sitting at the table. They don’t usually ask or even acknowledge you before doing so, as it’s normal behavior. I’ve had dinner there with complete strangers sitting next to me and felt perfectly comfortable. They don’t want to be your friend: they just want to eat. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/47 "2010-04-11T15:04:22Z")
Like others, I think that there’s nothing wrong with wanting to share a largish table at a coffee shop, but she should have simply said, “Is it okay if I sit here?” The rudeness was not so much in presuming to sit down at your table, but in not asking you purely pro forma. To me it sort of suggests that you aren’t even there, or not worth acknowledging. Sort of the difference between bumping past someone, and bumping past them while saying “excuse me, please.” The action is the same, but one acknowledges that the other person is a person, not just an obstacle. ---
**Author:** ![Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/96bed5/32.png) [@Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patty_O_Furniture)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/48 "2010-04-11T16:33:28Z")
I am not a fan of “saving” public space. Park benches, coffee house seats and communal tables and so on, are all free unless they are presently occupied or have books/newspaper/coat/cup of coffee something else in the space indicating that a person might have gotten up momentarily to go to the potty or something. Having said that, I would say that this is one of those cases where it is always polite to ask but _not necessarily impolite_ of you don’t ask if the seat is free. I think it’s up to the person who is saving the seat to politely inform the stranger that the seat they are about to take is already in use. And “already in use” doesn’t mean “my friend will arrive at some point in the next 30 minutes or hour to sit here”. It means the person has gotten up to go get a coffee refill or potty break and will return in two or three minutes _at most_. ---
**Author:** ![RedWood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f08c70/32.png) [@RedWood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RedWood)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/49 "2010-04-11T16:54:17Z")
> [@mnemosyne](#): > > The polite thing to do is to say “Is someone sitting here?” even when it’s clear there isn’t and you intend to take the seat anyways. or a cheery “Room for one more?” so you have acknowledged the presence of the stranger you are about to be close to. Occasionally, someone I really did NOT wish to share with sat down. Then I would get up and go elsewhere. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/50 "2010-04-11T17:05:37Z")
I don’t see why her moving Rob’s garbage bothered you. You said moving his things as though it was his stuff–but it’s not like it was stuff he was coming back for or anything, right? ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2010, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/51 "2010-04-11T19:23:19Z")
I have never ever had someone sit at the same table I was at in a restaurant without asking me first. That girl was insane ---
**Author:** ![Perciful](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b38774/32.png) [@Perciful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Perciful)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/52 "2010-04-12T03:37:53Z")
That would bother me. She could have been polite and asked. ---
**Author:** ![Triskadecamus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b19c9b/32.png) [@Triskadecamus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Triskadecamus)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/53 "2010-04-12T05:09:40Z")
Courtesy to those who are first courteous to you is pretty much a civil rule. Being courteous to someone who has failed to extend a courtesy to you is the test of true courtesy. However, since you did not say “Hey, bitch, move it out.” I don’t think it was a big failure on your part, no. Tris ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/54 "2010-04-12T14:16:19Z")
MEh, I don’t consider it rude in a coffeeshop, this happens to me all the time. I’ve actually struck up some interesting convos this way. One thing I’ve learned in these _tête-à-têtes_ is that some people (actually, only women have said this to me) just feel silly sitting at a bigger table all by themselves. Maybe they think sitting alone makes them vulnerable or socially inept, I don’t know. Now personally, I’d ask before I sat down, but I wouldn’t consider a person rude if they didn’t. My standards and sense of proprietorship are both low. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/55 "2010-04-12T15:21:17Z")
Her behaviour would have bothered me. I would have gotten up and moved, primarily to let her know that I was bothered. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/56 "2010-04-12T19:18:56Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > I don’t see why her moving Rob’s garbage bothered you. You said moving his things as though it was his stuff–but it’s not like it was stuff he was coming back for or anything, right? Who said it bothered me? Did you read the OP? I commented that I wasn’t bothered, since I would certainly have said yes if she’d asked; I was just mildly amused by the thought that I should be bothered by her presumption. ---
**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\ **Post date:** [April 12, 2010, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555/57 "2010-04-12T19:27:44Z")
Ugh, I clicked on the wrong button. Yes, you had the right to be vexed. If a cafe is crowded, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask someone if you can share their table. Not asking first is rude. You don’t know if they’re waiting for someone. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-joining-me-at-cafe-table-without-being-invited-should-i-be-vexed/535555.md?page=2)