# People, we NEED to standardise our collective wiping technique. (poss. TMI) :) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 4, 2003, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982 "2003-12-04T18:07:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/1 "2003-12-04T18:07:18Z")
Either that or they should pipe in some loud music into the bathrooms, or maybe install a very large exhaust fan with the bearings already worn out. OK, I think I`ve got a decent handle on things when it comes to cleaning up after #2. I always assumed that others did too… Well, apparently not. As far as I`m concerned. Lately I`ve been noticing the *sounds* coming from the adjacent stalls and trying to get a mental image of what the hell the guy next to me is doing, or attempting to do. I may be loosing it but that`s a different thread. Generally, when it comes time to end the session and get back to whatever, it`s about 24 inches of paper neatly folded once. That leaves me with about 12 inches of usable material laying in the palm. One pass. Fold again. Second pass. Drop. Repeat if needed. ## Minimal waste, no breakthroughs and very clean. **WTF** was the guy doing in the stall next me this morning? (my thoughts are in italic) Guy hits roll of paper with palm several times. Blam, Blam, Blam fwap, fwap, fwap. –_Jeez, got enough paper there buddy?_ Makes sound of gathering up the length of paper and wipes once. –_All that for one pass, shit you may as well be using a tree trunk for all that paper your wasting_ Repeats about four times. –_Holy cow, hope there`s a plunger nearby - if he does this at home his SO must have a shit fit_ ## Flushes. Toilet appears to tolerate the excess, judging by the sound of a normal flush cycle. **Different guy, different day** Guy pulls paper off the role normally. –_so far so good_ Odd sound emerges, sort of like he`s balling up the paper. –_this ought to be good_ Distinct sound of SCRATCHING !? –_Hmmm, sounds like that guy is sanding wood, you don`t go over the same area twice without folding, STOP!! you`re doing it all wrong!!! WTF!!!_ ## Repeats twice. --\* WTF, WTF\* I must be in the minority, clearly, judging by the sounds, very few people seem to be using my technique, which has to be superior to most, if not all others’. If you`re reading this and you don`t think you know how to wipe properly, keep checking in. Hopefully, by the time the thread is over, we will have come to a concentual technique that will be employed by everyone on the planet so as to assure that I will not go insane. Also, so I can get back to thinking about more important things, like _why are that guys feet facing the wrong way in the stall?_ Any thoughts, comments, stories of poor useage, or superior technique tips are all welcome. Remember, this is for the good of our fellow man/person so don`t be shy. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/2 "2003-12-04T18:57:04Z")
Two passes with the same paper (granted folded) seems gross to me. 1. Check bog is clean, pull down trousers, sit down, Curl one out 2. Squeeze out the hanger’s on 3. 12 inch, fold in half, pinch and drop in bowl. 4. 12 inch fold in half, wipe, examine for skidmarks on paper 5. IF skidmarks = yuck THEN GOTO 4 6. Stand up, Flush, Pull up Trousers, Wash Hands… If the toilet is susspect of getting clogged I might flush between 4 and 5. I always get seriously disturbed when there is a turd sitting in the bowl, but no paper. Is this someone who just doesn’t wipe at all? I guess it’s just done by jokers who do the duck waddle to the next stall before commencing wipeing, but I’m not convinced. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/3 "2003-12-04T19:24:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bippy the Beardless \* > \*\*Two passes with the same paper (granted folded) seems gross to me. > \*\* Shouldn`t really. There`s the same amount of paper tween the fingers and the waste as there is tween the fingers and the original wipe… It`s no problem really, but that`s why the thread is here - the perfect wipe!! ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/4 "2003-12-04T19:35:23Z")
I must say I don’t understand the folded neatly part. You’re cleaning a little hole that’s a few inches up into a crack, you’re not wiping off the surface of a counter. I prefer a wadded piece of paper. Wadded tightly enough to get in there, but loosely enough to have a lot of surface area around. From that point, I’m with Bippy the Beardless. Hopefully you only need step ‘4’ a few times. Twice is minimum. And I don’t have a fat ass. ---
**Author:** ![bayonet1976](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/77aa72/32.png) [@bayonet1976](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bayonet1976)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/5 "2003-12-04T19:43:35Z")
In the area of TMI, continue at your own risk…, I have hemorrhoids and a very hairy ass, so my wiping technique involves using some wadded up paper to push up any hemorrhoids that might have protruded, and some hard scrapping to get any clingers off the hairs. Along with the normal wiping described above. So it might have been me you heard the last couples of times. Well there goes any chance of ever appearing suave an sophisticated in this board. ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/6 "2003-12-04T19:45:26Z")
That’s why I much prefer to have a “pointy-ended” turd—much less wiping… but sometimes you just have to keep wiping until it gets clean. Haven’t stopped up a toilet yet! ---
**Author:** ![VenusProbe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/e495f1/32.png) [@VenusProbe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VenusProbe)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/7 "2003-12-04T20:14:05Z")
Another vote for the **Bippy the Beardless** method of wiping. Oh and the “paper” we have here at work is more like OSB! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![misstee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/958977/32.png) [@misstee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misstee)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/8 "2003-12-04T20:33:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by VenusProbe \* > Oh and the “paper” we have here at work is more like OSB! :eek: I hate “paper” like that. What’s the deal with nice classy restaurants using sandpaper in the bathrooms. I mean, damn, here I am spending a ton of money on dinner for two, and they can’t even flip for nice soft toilet paper? Sorry about that hijack, on to the next poster who has tales of wiping adventures. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/9 "2003-12-04T20:46:52Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by VenusProbe \* > \*\*Another vote for the **Bippy the Beardless** method of wiping. Oh and the “paper” we have here at work is more like OSB! :eek: \*\* Cool, **Bippy`s** way sounds just fine. One less step but maybe a little more time consuming - otherwise good. Still in the OP, what the hell would that first guy need that much paper for? **Trunk** , I just can`t see getting any grip on the matter with a "wad". Plus, the paper wouldn`t make consistent contact with the surface allowing for a satisfactory result. I`m also trying to eliminate the need to re-visit the bathroom later for an RW. **mistee** , that reminds me of an old Saturday Night Live skit that featured “Macho-Wipe”. Sand-paper on a roll. ---
**Author:** ![Stover9](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Stover9](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stover9)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/10 "2003-12-04T21:16:18Z")
Do you people stand or sit for the wiping process? I imagine there will be a mixed response. . . ---
**Author:** ![Naz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e99b99/32.png) [@Naz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Naz)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/11 "2003-12-04T22:08:41Z")
Where’s **lieu**? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![vandal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/858c86/32.png) [@vandal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vandal)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/12 "2003-12-04T22:10:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Stover9 \* > \*\*Do you people stand or sit for the wiping process? > > I imagine there will be a mixed response. . . \*\* I stand. Mainly because I want to see the amount of excretion to determine whether that needs a separate flush from the TP flush (to avoid clogging). ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/13 "2003-12-04T22:11:05Z")
What is it with guys using tons of paper? Ever man I have known, including my own father and brother, have used TONS of the stuff. During a certain time of the month I use more than usual, but why use a foot of TP for one wipe??? I use two pieces – four if it’s that horrible single-ply stuff – and fold them and fold again, then wipe. Repeat, usually, and if continued wiping is necessary then I can go to single sheets, folded once. I do not get shit on my hands, but I don’t go through a ton of TP, either. I also do not clog our crappy low-flow toilets. Oh, and I sit. ---
**Author:** ![\_Deep\_F\_ied](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/_/7cd45c/32.png) [@\_Deep\_F\_ied](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/_Deep_F_ied)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/14 "2003-12-04T22:26:58Z")
I find it slightly disturbing that you would be listening that closely to someone elses “business”. Who really cares how it gets done. I mean, if we all wipe the same the terrorists have won… 🙂 and for what its worth I am a croucher. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/15 "2003-12-04T22:30:17Z")
Oh I forgot to add emergenct subroutine… 5.1) IF skidmark= Urgghhh!! THEN GOSUB GobSpit GobSpit 1. Get 12 Inches paper, fld twice 2. Spit onto folded paper, then wipe 3. RETURN ---
**Author:** ![Bumbazine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbazine/32/362_2.png) [@Bumbazine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbazine)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/16 "2003-12-04T22:41:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by whuckfistle \* > **Guy hits roll of paper with palm several times. Blam, Blam, Blam fwap, fwap, fwap. –_Jeez, got enough paper there buddy?_** Just to comment on this one subject, I’ve been known to cause this sound when the end of the roll of paper refuses to detach from the roll. Whacking it smartly to get it spinning on the roller will usually cause the end to separate from the roll so that I can get a grip, so to speak. It doesn’t necessarily indicate that a large quantity is being accessed. As for my wiping technique, it varies according to the firmness of the, um, product, and the type and quality of the paper available. I don’t think I’ve ever counted the number of squares used, and I don’t intend to start. BTW; folded, sitting. One other comment: why are women so concerned with the quantity of paper used by menfolk? Paper is cheap ladies! One should use as much as is necessary to do the job. It’s probably cheaper than Spray-N-Wash. That was possibly one of the most mundane, pointless arguments I’ve ever had the misfortune to get dragged into. (With my know-it-all daughter.) ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/17 "2003-12-04T23:21:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bumbazine \* > \*\*Just to comment on this one subject, I’ve been known to cause this sound when the end of the roll of paper refuses to detach from the roll. Whacking it smartly to get it spinning on the roller will usually cause the end to separate from the roll so that I can get a grip, so to speak. It doesn’t necessarily indicate that a large quantity is being accessed. > > \*\* `Tis not the case here. I could actually hear the paper coming off the roll and folding into his lap, then hear him gather it up. Also, the sound of a full roll vs. a near empty roll is quite different. These bathrooms are tooooooooo damn quite and the paper is too stinkin` noisy. **ASCII Nightmare,** I told you I was loosing it in the OP. **Vandal,** Stand?? Doesn`t standing lend itself to poor access, if you know what I mean. **Naz,** Yeah, where is that guy? **Bippy,** The thought (to spit) has never even crossed my mind, ever. Not once. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [December 4, 2003, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/18 "2003-12-04T23:21:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by whiterabbit \* > **why use a foot of TP for one wipe??? I use two pieces – four if it’s that horrible single-ply stuff – and fold them and fold again, then wipe.** I live in terror of there not being enough paper so my finger rips through it and goes up my shitty butthole. Now _there’s_ a sentence I’ve never actually typed before. ---
**Author:** ![FilmGeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@FilmGeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FilmGeek)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/19 "2003-12-05T00:01:57Z")
TMI? Why not? I wonder if anyone else has this problem. Being female, sometimes I get done wiping (number 1) and stand up only to find that the TP is ‘stuck’ and dripping all over my pants. I _think_ I have finished and it has dropped into the toilet, but apparently, I haven’t, and I have to do a quick recovery operation. I was going to post on this sometime soon, but I couldn’t come up with a good way to phrase the OP. Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/20 "2003-12-05T00:19:25Z")
Anytime. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982.md?page=2)