# People, we NEED to standardise our collective wiping technique. (poss. TMI) :) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 4, 2003, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982 "2003-12-04T18:07:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/21 "2003-12-05T15:40:52Z")
**FilmGeek** , you are not alone. ---
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/22 "2003-12-05T15:56:26Z")
I agree with **Bippys** method as well. I also don’t count squares, and never will. When I gather toilet paper, my hand generally looks like an amputee victim before going in for the kill. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/23 "2003-12-05T15:57:15Z")
I’m with you all EXCEPT on giving the TP a visual inspection. I automatically do the wipe, drop, new TP, wipe, drop without. I can tell if I need to continue the process without having to LOOK AT MY OWN USED TOILET PAPER. What in God’s name are you expecting to see? My own bathroom question - when urinating, do you aim for the bowl or the water? There’s a guy here at work who sounds like he’s about to put a hole through the urinal or toilet bowl everytime he takes a leak. HEY BUDDY, CAN YOU TURN DOWN THE VOLUME ON YOUR URINE STREAM? ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/24 "2003-12-05T15:57:17Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bumbazine \* > \*\*One other comment: why are women so concerned with the quantity of paper used by menfolk? Paper is cheap ladies! One should use as much as is necessary to do the job. It’s probably cheaper than Spray-N-Wash. That was possibly one of the most mundane, pointless arguments I’ve ever had the misfortune to get dragged into. (With my know-it-all daughter.) \*\* My two reasons are this: 1. It’s paper. It comes from trees. I try not to waste trees. 2. It costs money. I’m on a budget, and see no point in wasting the stuff. I know it’s not expensive, but it adds up. And I DO use as much as is necessary to do the job. Sometimes I use more than other times, and if I need to, I’ll use a lot. But I don’t always have to. That’s what I don’t get about guys using tons ALL THE TIME. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/25 "2003-12-05T16:19:09Z")
The old spit-and-polish technique is very useful for naturists, and those who like to hang out in the nude at home. **whiterabbit** it’s because us guys are all full of crap 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/26 "2003-12-05T16:31:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by plnnr \* > \*\*I’m with you all EXCEPT on giving the TP a visual inspection. I automatically do the wipe, drop, new TP, wipe, drop without. I can tell if I need to continue the process without having to LOOK AT MY OWN USED TOILET PAPER. What in God’s name are you expecting to see? > > \*\* Hopefully clean paper. I can`t always tell by feel if the job is finished or not. **Bippy,** use some “baby wipes” if you really want that clean feeling. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/27 "2003-12-05T17:18:41Z")
I am shure nobody can tell by feeling that the job is completely finished. If you can feel anything, you don’t bother looking, obviously. But when it feels clean is when you need to check for unfelt crayon marks. “baby wipes” aren’t allways available, spit and polish is the alternative in those cases. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/28 "2003-12-05T17:19:57Z")
P.S. where’s **lieu**? ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/29 "2003-12-05T18:10:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by plnnr \* > **My own bathroom question - when urinating, do you aim for the bowl or the water?** Since I’m a guy, my primary objective is that the majority of the urine stream gets through the large hole defining the mouth of the urinal appliance. What happens to it after that is not my concern. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/30 "2003-12-05T18:11:27Z")
Ugh, the only thing about wet paper is that breakthroughs are more often to occur. Plus, the tissue wants to ball up and seperate. I suppose there is a special plan of attack you could invoke to minimize the mishaps… ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/31 "2003-12-05T18:12:42Z")
That was for **Bippy**. ---
**Author:** ![Bumbazine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bumbazine/32/362_2.png) [@Bumbazine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bumbazine)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/32 "2003-12-05T19:11:23Z")
**Whiterabbit** , I really don’t want to get involved in a flame war, but your broad condemnation of guydom demands a rebuttal, so here goes: I’m really curious as to how you arrived at your conclusion about “guys using tons ALL THE TIME”. How many ‘guys’ have you observed? Was it a large enough sample for you to project onto the entire population of ‘guys’? How do you know their usage was excessive? Did you make exhaustive observations and take detailed notes as to fecal viscosity, TP load rates, and material dispersion? Did you examine the work site at the beginning of each work session and after each ‘pass’ until the project was completed? Or was your statement just your subjective opinion? In short, it’s probably not a good idea to make sweeping generalizations about a group (guys) unless you’re prepared to back them up with hard facts. ---
**Author:** ![Trunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/87869e/32.png) [@Trunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trunk)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/33 "2003-12-05T19:19:32Z")
There’s an old joke where the guy says, “How do blind people know when to stop wiping?” I guess that was lost on plnnr. [that’s the whole joke, BTW. There’s no punchline.] ---
**Author:** ![spogga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ab097/32.png) [@spogga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spogga)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/34 "2003-12-05T19:32:47Z")
Well for what it’s worth here is a Brits contribution to a fascinating thread. After a Saturday night on the lager followed by the traditional Indian curry or a couple of kebabs, as soon as I get home I make certain that I put a couple of toilet rolls in the fridge. The reasoning is simple, IT ALWAYS COMES OUT TWICE AS HOT AS WHEN IT WENT IN and a nice cool, even icy wad of TP is bliss on a Sunday morning when one surfaces ready to face yet another day fraught with disaster and possibly, nay definitely, the knowledge that my football team will lose. Now then the method:- Sit Stand, put down ring Sit again L.Elbow on L. Knee R.Elbow on R.Knee Slump and relax Ease out/spray out last night repast (or what’s left of it) Groan, either in agony (see para 2 above) or ecstasy dependant on the strength of the curry consumed. Wipe sweat from forehead Here comes the tricky bit!!! You have just realised that cold TP is still in fridge Your arse is on fire Someone else wants the bathroom They refuse to fetch TP on account of the stench and groaning You have to use WARM TP on a red hot arse It hurts, you whimper, bastard outside laughs There is no options open to you here, perserverance is the word You finish the cleaning procedure, tilted to one side in an attempt to ease pain (don’t ask why, you just do) Finally, just to show the bastard who wouldn’t fetch the cold TP who is in charge you run the bath. Immerse oneself into water and grimace. That is all ---
**Author:** ![bare](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bare/32/471_2.png) [@bare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bare)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/35 "2003-12-05T19:38:44Z")
I’m surprised that nobody mentioned the “green” method. One square of paper, folded in quarters. Rip off the corner, unfold to find a perfect hole in the center of square. Insert finger through hole. Apply finger to affected area, thoroughly clean, inspect the goods. Then, just fold the square up around your finger and wipe it all off. ::bare, who never goes without his portable bidet:: ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2003, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/36 "2003-12-05T21:22:35Z")
YIKES!! ---
**Author:** ![Rebo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rebo/32/13005_2.png) [@Rebo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rebo)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/37 "2003-12-06T01:34:33Z")
EWWWWW!!! ---
**Author:** ![DaisyFace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/848f3c/32.png) [@DaisyFace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaisyFace)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/38 "2003-12-06T01:44:56Z")
I had been studiously avoiding this thread for days now, but my husband, who never posts, just lurks, said I _had_ to read a “new development” in this saga. He was referring to **spogga’s** post (he compliments you on the cold TP thought, BTW). I should have stopped there. “green method”?!?!?!?! Ack! :eek: Thanks a million, hon ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/39 "2003-12-06T02:04:02Z")
**whuckfistle** the secret is to just gob about a teaspoon of spit onto the paper. Water from the tap is not a substitute, it moistens too much and you end up with breakage, leakthrough, and the ever popular toiletpaper cement sticking to the butt hairs. ‘Green’ method, I had heard that was the technique taught to Boy Scouts when out camping. ---
**Author:** ![sleeping](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/839c29/32.png) [@sleeping](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sleeping)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2003, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982/40 "2003-12-06T03:22:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by whuckfistle \* > **WTF** was the guy doing in the stall next me this morning? > > (my thoughts are in italic) > > Guy hits roll of paper with palm several times. Blam, Blam, Blam fwap, fwap, fwap. –_Jeez, got enough paper there buddy?_ > > Makes sound of gathering up the length of paper and wipes once. –_All that for one pass, shit you may as well be using a tree trunk for all that paper your wasting_ > > Repeats about four times. –_Holy cow, hope there`s a plunger nearby - if he does this at home his SO must have a shit fit_ > > Flushes. Toilet appears to tolerate the excess, judging by the sound of a normal flush cycle. Um, that would be me but…4 times? _4 times_? Is he insane? I typically wipe at least 10 times, and the first two wipes are composed of at least 30 sheets each. That’s right, 30 sheets. That comes out to about 150 sheets for an average sitting. Basically the same as I explained [here](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&postid=4095109#post4095109). > [@](#): > > If you`re reading this and you don`t think you know how to wipe properly, keep checking in. _I_ know how to wipe properly. It’s everyone else who needs some wipage education. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-we-need-to-standardise-our-collective-wiping-technique-poss-tmi/216982.md?page=3)