# People who ask for what they want in non-obvious ways **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 16, 2010, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441 "2010-06-16T17:36:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Satchmo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/satchmo/32/4223_2.png) [@Satchmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Satchmo)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/81 "2010-06-18T19:16:03Z")
> [@Lynn\_Bodoni](#): > > Despite the fact that I no longer have gonads, I still don’t speak Unix. Sorry **Lynn**. Didn’t mean to confuse. Most of the XKCD strips depend on some uncommon esoteric knowledge. It’s just that I immediately thought of that strip when you were talking about your husband asking you to make him a sandwich in a very non-obvious way. I should contribute something to the OP. My neighbors are slightly older than I and he is on disability for a heart condition and she has serious mobility problems. They don’t mow their grass very often, so I got into the habit of mowing their front lawn whenever I did mine. They seemed grateful at first, my lawn is huge compared to theirs, (I have a corner lot.) So it only added 5 minutes to the whole job. Then one time the Missus comes out while I’m doing their front and says “You don’t have to do that.” I replied that I knew that and was happy to help out. Then the next time I mowed, she again came out and said “You don’t have to do that.” and it finally dawned on me. (I make up for being slow by being extra thick as well.) She was really saying she’d rather I didn’t. So I don’t any more. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/82 "2010-06-18T19:26:15Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > That answer was far too direct for this thread. > > You should have said: “Do you think I feel you may not be wrong?” > [@SeaCanary](#): > > Do you think I feel you may not be wrong about the way I feel regarding…wait…Do you think I feel I may be trying to conform to…hold on…it’s coming…:eek: I mean… > > I have no talent for this. > > Fuck it. 😃 > > You’re right. > [@SeaCanary](#): > > I think she was joking because of the 🙂 at the end of the statement. > Lacunae Matata, were you joking? > Should I be asking that question? > Was that too direct? > > O hell. I REALLY have **no talent** for this. Not even a little. 😃 > [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > You’re really trying to prompt us into saying “You’re so talented!” Aren’t you? > [@SeaCanary](#): > > O hell. > > Busted !!! 😃 My eyes glazed over trying to read these even as jokes - I also have no talent for this. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/83 "2010-06-18T19:28:36Z")
> [@Lacunae\_Matata](#): > > \ > I’m really curious about others’ opinion, though: should I really have to say (explicitly) “Honey, I’d like for you to at least take the kids to the store so that they can get me a card for special occasions, or help them destroy the house with glitter and glue to make me something, or something really minor just in recognition of the day.”? (How in hell am I supposed to punctuate that, anyway?) You shouldn’t _have_ to say it, but as the wise people say, you can be right or you can be happy - your choice. 🙂 If I have unsatisfying birthday or Christmases gift-wise (even though I am not at all shy about letting people know what’s on my list), I just go buy something for myself. Life’s too short to get too bent out of shape about stuff like this. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/84 "2010-06-18T19:29:58Z")
> [@Lacunae\_Matata](#): > > I’m really curious about others’ opinion, though: should I really have to say (explicitly) “Honey, I’d like for you to at least take the kids to the store so that they can get me a card for special occasions, or help them destroy the house with glitter and glue to make me something, or something really minor just in recognition of the day.”? (How in hell am I supposed to punctuate that, anyway?) IMmaleO, Mother’s Day is a day spent with someone 20-something years older than you, not your wife. You get a mother’s day when the kid is old enough to appreciate you. Now, I know that a lot of people don’t see it that way, but husbands spend all year adoring the mother of his kids and hardly any time talking to his own mother. So it makes sense that when you have a wife going “Don’t do anything for me on Mother’s Day,” for the husband to go “OK, good, that’s what I was planning on doing anyway.” When your kids are 2 or older, and he still isn’t doing anything for you on Mother’s Day, _then_ you can complain. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/85 "2010-06-18T19:42:04Z")
**Chessic** makes a good point - maybe your husband doesn’t realize that you had expectations of him that he didn’t fulfill. I’d have a nice, non-confrontational talk with him about it; something along the lines of, “Honey, I’m a mother now, too, and while I’m not YOUR mother, I would really appreciate it if you did a little something special for me like making breakfast for me and getting me a nice card until the kids are old enough to do something for me.” If he ignores a plain language request like that, sorry about reproducing with him. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/86 "2010-06-18T20:02:07Z")
It blows my mind that there are guys who wouldn’t automatically think their own wife should have something nice (done by them, not the kids) for mother’s day. ---
**Author:** ![gravitycrash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@gravitycrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gravitycrash)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/87 "2010-06-18T20:37:14Z")
> [@Lacunae\_Matata](#): > > As has been observed by others, some women (me included) have a hard time overcoming that “I don’t want to be any trouble” socialization. For me, the latest episode came up on Mother’s Day. Previously, I had said something to the effect that I didn’t want any big production for the day, and that’s true: Trying to muscle your way into a crowded restaurant isn’t my idea of fun, and flowers and candy are wasted on me, and I really didn’t need or want anything major for the day. However, there’s a lot of ground between “no big production” and “bupkus,” which is what I got. A little card in recognition of the fact that I had (six weeks earlier) pushed an entire human being out of my nether regions, after nine months of nausea, heartburn, backaches, and general misery. I’m still a little pouty about that, but I can’t figure out a way to address it without seeming whiny or making my husband feel guilty. (I’m guessing that his awesome Father’s Day gift might make him rethink how we “celebrated” Mother’s Day… 🙂 ) Holy crap. :eek: Most men know not to dis mom or the wife on Mothers Day. Hopefully your husband just had a stupid moment. If I was still married I would’ve been spending some quality time on the couch. ---
**Author:** ![raindrop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/74df32/32.png) [@raindrop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raindrop)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/88 "2010-06-18T21:15:11Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Of course it’s not a completely female thing. But yes, it is a bit more of a feminine style of communication than being direct. And I don’t believe that it’s necessarily passive-aggressive, anymore than English is more passive aggressive than German. (Which is just plain aggressive.) > > A friend, who is about the girliest girl I know, met a guy the other night. She told me that they had this conversation late on the night they met: > > Him: “So, are you hungry for ice cream?” > > Her: “No.” > > Him: “Uh, how about pizza?” > > Her: “No, I’m not really hungry at all.” > > Him: “Beer?” > > Her: “Nope.” > > Him: “I don’t want any of those things either. I’m just trying to find a way to spend more time with you.” > > Her: “YES!!!” Right, of course it’s not just women. I can also think of tons of similar examples of men saying one thing when they really mean something else. A man asking me “do you have the time?” or “do you have a light?” or “do you know where the water fountain is?” or “can I help you find something?” can really mean, “I like the way you look and would like to ask you out.” I’ve had to put up with that type of indirectness from men all of my adult life. And I annoy them when I ask them to directly state what they _really_ want. Of course I know men ask me legitimate questions too, but I’ve certainly gotten countless ones that were very obviously illegitimate. I also had a neighbor who’d point to a plant along the chain-link fence that divided our property and ask whether it was a weed or a flower. He claimed he didn’t want to mistakenly pull up any of my flowers growing along the fence, (which he had actually done a few times). But I realized much later that “is this a flower or a weed?” really meant, “lean down right here so I can look down your shirt.” :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![SeaCanary](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@SeaCanary](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaCanary)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/89 "2010-06-18T21:54:23Z")
Well there was the time when I asked a woman for what I want. Me: Would you like to go to bed with me? Her: WHAT??!! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS? You actually think that’s a good thing to ask a woman?! Me: Yes Her: No !! Me: OK We didn’t see each other after that. And that was OK. I’ve found other women who felt there was nothing wrong with asking exactly that. In fact, found it refreshing and said either “Yes” followed by \* fill in whatever seems appropriate to you \* or “No” and a very sweetly delivered elaboration. What I _did_ learn was that a woman who respected that style of communication on the subject of sex was a much better fit for me and I for her. No judgments. No right or wrong. The behavior was simply effective. And for a time, at least, we were happy together. (Your mileage on the road to happiness and contentment may vary.) ---
**Author:** ![starryspice](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@starryspice](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/starryspice)\ **Post date:** [June 18, 2010, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/90 "2010-06-18T23:49:07Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > In the end though, she is responsible for making her needs known and “Would anyone like a Frosty?” is _not_ the same thing as saying “Would you like to go to the movies with me?” Mainly because the _“with me”_ part is absent. > > Consider: > “Would anyone like a Frosty?” vs. “Would anyone like to have a Frosty _with me?_” > > The former can be read in the same way as: > “There’s a rest stop, anyone need to use the bathroom?” > Basically: there is an opportunity, if anyone cares to take advantage speak up. > > The latter establishes a need or a preference to acquire a Frosty. It’s closer to: > “There’s a rest stop. I’ve gotta pee. Anybody else?” > > Yes, a lot of older generation women were encouraged not to make a fuss, but ultimately, you can’t rely on people to read your mind if you want to be sure your needs are known. I disagree. The “with me” can be inserted, but is unnecessary. “Would anyone like to go to the movies?” “Would anyone like to Wendy’s?” They’re the exact same question. As a counterexample, you would NOT say, “Would anyone like to go to the restroom?”, you would more like phrase it this way: “Does anyone need to go to the restroom?” Yes, it’s more expedient to use direct commands when communicating your needs with other people, but it’s not necessarily socially acceptable. People born into different cultures have different styles of communicating. ETA: I’m referring to this specific phrase in the example given. Most of the other examples in the thread are less about miscommunication/culture differences and more about passive aggressiveness. ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/91 "2010-06-19T00:00:56Z")
> [@starryspice](#): > > I disagree. The “with me” can be inserted, but is unnecessary. > > “Would anyone like to go to the movies?” > > “Would anyone like to Wendy’s?” > > They’re the exact same question. As a counterexample, you would NOT say, “Would anyone like to go to the restroom?”, you would more like phrase it this way: “Does anyone need to go to the restroom?” > > Yes, it’s more expedient to use direct commands when communicating your needs with other people, but it’s not necessarily socially acceptable. People born into different cultures have different styles of communicating. > > ETA: I’m referring to this specific phrase in the example given. Most of the other examples in the thread are less about miscommunication/culture differences and more about passive aggressiveness. Yeah. It’s interesting because I was definitely raised with a bit more traditional “do not state what you want; do not be a bother” mentality (I’m only 28; not like I’m from An Old Generation or anything). I didn’t really realize it until my husband (then boyfriend) said how one thing _drove him nuts_. We’d go to his parents’ house for dinner and get there early. His mom would always ask if I wanted water, pop, wine, whatever. And I would always always always say, “oh, no thank you, I’m fine” even if I was thirsty. I literally could not bring myself to just say, “oh sure, water would be great, thank you!” because it seemed _so rude_ to do so, like I was some beverage hog and wanting to create work for her. Even after several discussions about this, it took quite awhile for me to get to, “oh sure, [beverage] would be great, thank you!!” It was really hard to do this and I was convinced she’d think I was some jerk for accepting her offer, even though my logical brain knows that she wouldn’t offer if she didn’t want me to accept. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/92 "2010-06-19T00:10:54Z")
**zweisamkeit** : do you think you could explain how those behaviors were instilled in you? I mean, I doubt your mother said to you flat-out “don’t accept a drink even if you want one.” So if you could elaborate, I’d be interested. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/93 "2010-06-19T00:28:45Z")
We have this issue in my house constantly. I was raised in a family where you offer (and refuse) food and drink multiple times, every time. If you accept something without refusing it multiple times first, it means ither (1) they’re a bad host for letting it get to that stage, or (2) it’s your FAVORITE THING EVER, and you will be presented with mountains of it every time you appear for the rest of your life. We all pretend we don’t eat breakfast and sneakily eat on our own because otherwise there’s no way to avoid a giant production. **Mr. Mallard** comes from a culture where you take what you are offered, to be polite, even if you don’t really want any. “I’ll just get myself a bagel later if I’m hungry” makes sense in his world. To sum up: “No thank you” means “I’m just being polite; ask me again” in my world, “I am an asshole” in his. “Yes, please” means “you are a bad person” in my world, “I’m just being polite” in his. I understand this in my head. It is not hard to switch systems if I think about it, but if I’m relaxed / stressed / not concentrating, I revert to “normal.” ---
**Author:** ![LC\_Strawhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@LC\_Strawhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LC_Strawhouse)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/94 "2010-06-19T00:30:52Z")
As for the “male vs female” communication divide that people are talking about - this divide really kicks into high gear when the female is deeply unhappy and wants the relationship to end, while the male remains clueless about the whole thing. Wackiness ensues like you wouldn’t believe… ---
**Author:** ![TheTerribleTako](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba8739/32.png) [@TheTerribleTako](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheTerribleTako)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/95 "2010-06-19T01:12:52Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > **zweisamkeit** : do you think you could explain how those behaviors were instilled in you? I mean, I doubt your mother said to you flat-out “don’t accept a drink even if you want one.” So if you could elaborate, I’d be interested. **zweisamkeit** might have had a different upbringing, but in my case the behavior was reinforced through emulating adult behavior and getting positive reinforcement for it and just plain being told that I was being rude and greedy after the fact by my mom for accepting a little too eagerly what others were offering. So, for example, if I was with my parents visiting a family friend and they offered me some candy, I was supposed to decline once or twice at the minimum with a deferential smile and allow the host to leave the candy at the table. The hostess would usually tell my parents how polite and well-mannered I was and I would be allowed to eat some later when the attention was not on me. If I had accepted readily, then she’ll feel the need to get more candy or some other food to anticipate my next desire before her job as a hostess was done. This refusal allows the hostess to feel like she’s being a good and generous host without having to do more work. Once, when I was about 5, a cousin asked me if I wanted some toys while she and my family were visiting a Disney store. Like all kids, I said yes and she bought me a stuffed Mickey over my mother’s objections. My mom thanked the cousin, but afterward at home, she scolded me for saying yes since I was forcing the cousin to buy me something. My cousin would have bought me a toy regardless of my answer, but my answer wasn’t supposed to influence her actions. Because of the cultural indoctrination I received, I used to have a really hard time asking for what I want. Among friends with the same background we usually start out using the same round-about ways of sussing out what we all want to do before we start laughing about how we’re becoming like our parents. We’re all getting better about it now though, but it creeps in when you’re not thinking about it. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/96 "2010-06-19T01:21:06Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > For some reason, a little while later I remembered the initial conversation and confirmed to myself that he had used words that based on all previous experience meant “I have an errand to do” and expected me to understand them as “Please do this errand.” Argh. My mom is just like your ex. I learned long long ago that any statement of hers that begins “I want to do [insert chore] this weekend” really means “I want to force you, your dad, or your brother to do [insert chore] **for me** this weekend.” ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Plastic_Ninja)\ **Post date:** [June 19, 2010, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/97 "2010-06-19T12:59:29Z")
> [@TheTerribleTako](#): > > **zweisamkeit** might have had a different upbringing, but in my case the behavior was reinforced through emulating adult behavior and getting positive reinforcement for it and just plain being told that I was being rude and greedy after the fact by my mom for accepting a little too eagerly what others were offering. > > So, for example, if I was with my parents visiting a family friend and they offered me some candy, I was supposed to decline once or twice at the minimum with a deferential smile and allow the host to leave the candy at the table. The hostess would usually tell my parents how polite and well-mannered I was and I would be allowed to eat some later when the attention was not on me. If I had accepted readily, then she’ll feel the need to get more candy or some other food to anticipate my next desire before her job as a hostess was done. This refusal allows the hostess to feel like she’s being a good and generous host without having to do more work. > > Once, when I was about 5, a cousin asked me if I wanted some toys while she and my family were visiting a Disney store. Like all kids, I said yes and she bought me a stuffed Mickey over my mother’s objections. My mom thanked the cousin, but afterward at home, she scolded me for saying yes since I was forcing the cousin to buy me something. My cousin would have bought me a toy regardless of my answer, but my answer wasn’t supposed to influence her actions. > > Because of the cultural indoctrination I received, I used to have a really hard time asking for what I want. Among friends with the same background we usually start out using the same round-about ways of sussing out what we all want to do before we start laughing about how we’re becoming like our parents. We’re all getting better about it now though, but it creeps in when you’re not thinking about it. This is how I was raised too, more or less. Mom was very very careful to make sure I was seen as a well-mannered child. If you’ve never been in a military family, it’s a little hard to explain what life is like for an officer’s wife – particularly the wife of an officer who came a bit late to officering and already has a four year old child when all the other wives have newborns, and MOST particularly when you are a fairly solitary, introverted person by nature who is expected to throw parties every month or two. So yes: don’t accept the soda or the Kool-Aid or the candy or snacks, even if you’re hungry. I’ll feed you when we get home if you’re hungry. Food set out on a sideboard is okay. Similar stuff about offering to buy things for you – luckily I looked to Mom and got the brief Glare Of Disapproval so I knew to say ‘no thank-you!’ As a result, I STILL – at thirty – have problems saying “Why yes, I would like something to drink!” or helping myself to fridge and pantry when I’ve been offered to. I have a dear friend who insists that I feel perfectly comfortable snagging a snack whenever I take the least fancy, but I explained to her that I will probably never manage this. ---
**Author:** ![Irishman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/b487fb/32.png) [@Irishman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Irishman)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2010, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/98 "2010-06-20T20:53:54Z")
**Wallenstein** said: > [@](#): > > My wife will have a conversation with my daughter, along the lines of “wouldn’t it be lovely to have an ice cream” or “oh dear, you have a soggy nappy!”, and I am expected to realise this is request directed at me to action whatever’s being discussed. “Honey, if you’re talking to me, then you need to address me to get my attention.” **Thudlow Boink** said: > [@](#): > > I think a lot of us guys grow up learning that Mother’s Day is the day to do something for our mothers and somehow don’t always make the logical leap that we ought to also do something for someone else’s mother (even if it’s the mother of our own children). Exactly. You’re not _my_ mother. **zweisamkeit** said: > [@](#): > > It blows my mind that there are guys who wouldn’t automatically think their own wife should have something nice (done by them, not the kids) for mother’s day. Because it’s not “Wife’s Day” or “Woman of the House’s Day”, it’s _Mother’s_ Day? ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2010, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/99 "2010-06-20T21:21:52Z")
It’s a brand new baby. Six weeks? Yeah, he could have done \*something \*for Mother’s Day. ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [June 20, 2010, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441/100 "2010-06-20T21:36:38Z")
> [@Green\_Bean](#): > > **zweisamkeit** : do you think you could explain how those behaviors were instilled in you? I mean, I doubt your mother said to you flat-out “don’t accept a drink even if you want one.” So if you could elaborate, I’d be interested. Well, part of it was just absorbing how my mom acted. She would always turn things down, even if she was thirsty/hungry, etc. My mom was my main parent (though they’re not divorced; y’know how that can be) and I just really learned how to act from her. Part of that was the “never be a bother” and also, “even if you hate it and will bitch endlessly when they’re gone, you do something that someone asks you to even if it really enrages you” (aka be a doormat) \*. Combine that with some good ol’ fashioned Catholic Guilt, and it’s a nice recipe for panicking at someone asking if I want something to drink. Even now, they (his parents) have said that I’m family and I can just go to the fridge if I want something and that is just _not_ happening, ever. That is WRONG. NO NO NO. I guess another non-relative example of this would be when I was about 8 and was trick or treating with my mom. I walked up to this one house and instead of them giving _you_ candy, she had a gigantic bowl of goodies and said, "you can take _however much you want!_ and I literally froze with nervousness. There was _tons_ of stuff I liked but I couldn’t just _take all that_. I ended up taking a single Dumdum sucker and thanking her. She even looked a bit confused and said, “you can take more, if you like!” And I almost started crying because I didn’t want to look hoggish and take more. - Good example from just this year: my aunt and uncle apparently wanted to make some dumb beanbag toss game (plywood board thing with holes cut in that you try to throw beanbags into) and they just straight-up assumed my mom would make the beanbags. It literally went something like, “yeah, all I have to do is build these (wood things) and then for the beanbags, you’d just have to (blahblah)”. My mom was ranting after they went home… but eventually made them to shut them up. Sigh. ☹ > [@Irishman](#): > > Because it’s not “Wife’s Day” or “Woman of the House’s Day”, it’s _Mother’s_ Day? … and if your _wife_ has _children_, the last time I checked, that makes her… _a mother_! :eek: It’s not exactly a huge leap of logic to think of that, for cryin’ out loud. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/people-who-ask-for-what-they-want-in-non-obvious-ways/543441.md?page=6)