# Pet Name Discomfort **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 12, 2015, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-name-discomfort/714833 "2015-03-12T15:08:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Onomatopoeia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/onomatopoeia/32/4145_2.png) [@Onomatopoeia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Onomatopoeia)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-name-discomfort/714833/21 "2015-03-13T16:28:15Z")
> [@Lowdown](#): > > Option A: > > 1.) _Why_ is it disturbing/making you uncomfortable? Assess if this is a you problem or a her problem. Do you just want private stuff to be private? Do you feel like this is emasculating you in some way? Figure this out, but be honest. > > 2.) After figuring that out, if you still feel it needs to stop, go “Hey, not a fan of when you do this, because \.” Then take it from there. Maybe she’s got reasons for doing it that are better than your reasons for not liking it. Maybe she doesn’t. Work it out as a team. > > Option B: > > 1.) Go “Hey, I’m not real thumbs-up on the whole pet-names in public thing. You dig?” Then just assume it’s going to take care of itself. > > \*For what it’s worth, my mother-in-law refers to me as “Pookie!” in front of everyone, and I think it’s funny as shit. > [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > Yeah, but “Pookie” is just a pet name that doesn’t really mean anything. “Papi”, in Spanish, literally means “father” but carries a more familair connotaion - like “daddy”. > > I don’t think I’d want my wife referring to me as “Daddy” in public, it’s kinda creepy. And I think here is where we get to the heart of my issue. TMI, so I apologize in advance. The first time my wife called me Papi was during sex, and for quite some time, possibly a year or more, I was Papi only during sex. I no longer recall if this started before or after we were married, but I think it was before. I got “daddy” twice, but couldn’t deal with it and told her to stop after the second instance as it put me right off my game. I found it, to use **Doctor Jackson** ’s term above, creepy. So Papi it was, but again, only during sex. Some time later, I noticed that she’d been calling me Papi outside the bedroom, but I could not pinpoint when the transition occurred. I was okay with it. Now, over 20 years later, it doesn’t have the direct link to sex in my mind anymore, especially as she calls me Papi all the time, even when she’s angry with me, but during sex is where it started, and that is probably the basis of my discomfort when she refers to me by that name when she is speaking with others. But yeah, i am probably over analyzing it. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-name-discomfort/714833/22 "2015-03-13T16:36:43Z")
I understand the problem. I let close friends and family members use a form of my name I didn’t like for a long time. Then some of them started referring to me that way to others and I didn’t like it when those people would use that name. I do think nickname you don’t prefer should be limited in use to those who have a relationship with you. And even those people shouldn’t use such a nickname if you ask them not to. This doesn’t apply to siblings or people you grew up with though, that’s kind of a rule of life. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-name-discomfort/714833/23 "2015-03-13T20:15:30Z")
> [@Doctor\_Jackson](#): > > Yeah, but “Pookie” is just a pet name that doesn’t really mean anything. “Papi”, in Spanish, literally means “father” but carries a more familair connotaion - like “daddy”. > > I don’t think I’d want my wife referring to me as “Daddy” in public, it’s kinda creepy. Heh. My friend was telling me about a guy who seemed to be into her when she first went to college. “But he called me Mommy”. I said, that’s creepy…unless he was Spanish. Turns out he was, and I don’t think of Mami as creepy. It’s just a familiar term toward any woman. When directed at them. I can see why you don’t necessarily want to be referred that way to others! ---
**Author:** ![Onomatopoeia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/onomatopoeia/32/4145_2.png) [@Onomatopoeia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Onomatopoeia)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-name-discomfort/714833/24 "2015-03-14T01:58:24Z")
> [@GrumpyBunny](#): > > The meaning is a little more nuanced than that. > > One of the movers putting my stuff in storage referred to me as “Mami”. I like to think he was flirting with me, and not comparing me to his mom. He was probably flirting with you. ---
**Author:** ![Onomatopoeia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/onomatopoeia/32/4145_2.png) [@Onomatopoeia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Onomatopoeia)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-name-discomfort/714833/25 "2015-03-14T02:13:43Z")
> [@BaldDude](#): > > I hear Papi both as a direct reference and when speaking of others as well. It’s no more egregious than saying, “II was telling Hubby to take out the trash”. In my culture, our parents refer to us as Mommy and Daddy (Italian) regardless of our gender. Get over it…one day you may wish you could hear call you Papi in public or private. Don’t sweat the small stuff. If she called you an insulting,name, like ‘jerk’ or ‘stupid’, that’s a different matter entirely. To be clear, I don’t have a problem with my wife using the pet name when speaking to me, even when we are in public, which she does all the time. My problem is when she is speaking about me to others. My name is not Alejandro, but imagine it is for the following example. If my wife said to her friend “Alejandro has to go to Dallas for a conference tomorrow, so I am going to drive him to the airport in the morning” I’d obviously have no problem, but if she says “Papi has to go to Dallas for a conference tomorrow, so I am going to drive him to the airport in the morning” I’d be a little creeped out. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-name-discomfort/714833/26 "2015-03-14T14:15:38Z")
> [@Onomatopoeia](#): > > Nothing positive, I imagine. We have had discussions on similar topics in the past and she has made it abundantly clear that she has no patience for weepy, emotional men. Although she is very independent and opinionated, she was raised to expect distinct gender roles; men don’t complain about problems, they solve them. Here’s what I hear you saying: _my wife likes men to be assertive, so I think I’ll just cower here in fear of her disapproval_ You realize how completely backwards that is? Tell her you don’t like it and it has to stop. Don’t go on about how it makes you _feel_ (she’s already said she doesn’t care). Tell her to stop. Period. She seems to crave traditional gender bullshit for whatever reason. When people tell you who they are, listen. –am female, am totally creeped out by women who call their sexual partners “daddy”. ew. But whatever. ---
**Author:** ![Onomatopoeia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/onomatopoeia/32/4145_2.png) [@Onomatopoeia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Onomatopoeia)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-name-discomfort/714833/27 "2015-03-14T17:00:44Z")
> [@Hello\_Again](#): > > Here’s what I hear you saying: > > _my wife likes men to be assertive, so I think I’ll just cower here in fear of her disapproval_ > > You realize how completely backwards that is? Tell her you don’t like it and it has to stop. Don’t go on about how it makes you _feel_ (she’s already said she doesn’t care). Tell her to stop. Period. > > She seems to crave traditional gender bullshit for whatever reason. When people tell you who they are, listen. > > –am female, am totally creeped out by women who call their sexual partners “daddy”. ew. But whatever. 🙂 I don’t know about ‘cowering in fear’ but I take your meaning. Also, I actually like her expectations of traditional gender roles, and don’t consider it BS, but understand how this can be a complete turn-off to American women. ---
**Author:** ![Onomatopoeia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/onomatopoeia/32/4145_2.png) [@Onomatopoeia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Onomatopoeia)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-name-discomfort/714833/28 "2015-03-14T17:03:43Z")
My wife and I had ‘the talk’ last night. I went with ‘this is our thing so let’s use it when speaking to each other only’. Her initial response was to laugh and mock me. Although she was just having a go at me, I had to listen to “Okay Papi”, “Yes Papi”, “Whatever you say Papi”, “It is my pleasure Papi” after every pronouncement I made for a good five minutes. Some time later, she said she didn’t understand why something like that would bother me but advised that she would respect me and use the pet name only when speaking directly to me. Thanks, everyone, for your advice and feedback. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-name-discomfort/714833.md?page=1)