# Pet owner's boyfriend asks her to give away dog before moving in with him and his kid. Should she? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 21, 2011, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493 "2011-01-21T20:43:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/21 "2011-01-21T22:14:08Z")
> [@Acid\_Lamp](#): > > Third option. It’s time for April to get over it. Unlike a lot of posters, I have no time for phobias of everyday things. Those types of fears are things to be overcome and fear of dogs is a common and easily overcome one. We had a friend whose three year old was terrified of dogs due to a biting incident. **(He was bitten on the cheek by a neighbors dog)** On his first visit to our home he was terrified. On the second one I told his mother to sit him on the counter where he was above the animals. I gave him the cookie jar and let him feed the dogs who were now VERY attentive and VERY well behaved. On the third visit he sat on the floor and petted and hugged them. That’s it, fear gone. He likes dogs just fine now as long as he’s introduced to them and they don’t surprise him. > > April is a bit older, but will adapt just fine. Tell whatshis face to stop babying her and deal. (bolding mine) Perhaps I wasn’t clear in the OP. What I meant for April to have undergone is not a simple bite, but something more like this [incident](http://www.abc24.com/news/local/story/Memphis-Girl-Mauled-by-Pit-Bull-Family-Wants-Dog/KAxuIziUkkOYGJjpsO3-kQ.cspx). (Warning: while the news story in the link is safe for work, the story is disturbing.) I think it’s … odd to call a father being protective of a child whose undergone such a thing _babying_. And I also don’t think the the technique you described above would work with a child whose undergone such extensive trauma. > [@Lightnin](#): > > Many years ago, I had to give my six-year-old dog to my aunt and uncle because I was living alone in an apartment which didn’t allow dogs. \ A year later, I went to their house for a family get-together, and got there early. I let myself into the back yard to say “hi” to her. She saw me and started barking and growling… until she heard my voice. It was like a lightswitch being flipped- she immediately ran over to me and tried to climb up into my arms. She spent the entire evening glued to my side.\ As I read this, your former pet seems not to have undergone permanent trauma. is that correct? I ask because, when I wrote _forget_ in the post you replied to, I would have been better advicsed to write _stop evincing great and continual separation trauma_. Do you think your former pet was happy in her new home, or was she forever missing you? ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/22 "2011-01-21T22:19:15Z")
**Skald** Is your whole life just on e big daydream? Don’t take that the wrong way, I’m a fan of your work. But anyway, to the OP: Susane is just gonna have to think who can make her happier. They really should have thought about this a long time ago. Personally, I think humans come first, but that’s just me. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/23 "2011-01-21T22:31:53Z")
Dog goes outside where the kid will never have to see it. Easy enough. No reason to give up the dog until they actually are married. There are a whole host of complications involved with people changing their minds before the wedding. Once it’s official, which won’t be for at least a year, then you can give up the dog if you haven’t found a better place for it. But in a year+ of time, you can easily find a good home for any animal if you exert even the tiniest bit of effort. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/24 "2011-01-21T22:59:08Z")
Basically, Susan has to assess whether she thinks this specific request and circumstance make it reasonable for her to give Pearl away. That’s going to differ based on a lot of things, and I could say making every choice under different circumstances. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. ---
**Author:** ![Lightnin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lightnin/32/180_2.png) [@Lightnin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lightnin)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/25 "2011-01-21T23:06:27Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > I ask because, when I wrote _forget_ in the post you replied to, I would have been better advicsed to write _stop evincing great and continual separation trauma_. Do you think your former pet was happy in her new home, or was she forever missing you? I’m pretty sure she didn’t constantly pine for me, no. That said, there have been a [few](http://photoblog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/01/15/5850433-a-dog-takes-its-loyalty-to-the-grave-in-brazil)[examples](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hachik%C5%8D)of dogs mourning their masters for years. I do have to wonder, though, if at some point their mourning became habit, rather than actual mourning- dogs need structure and routine in their lives. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/26 "2011-01-21T23:08:30Z")
> [@Lightnin](#): > > I’m pretty sure she didn’t constantly pine for me, no. > > That said, there have been a [few](http://photoblog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/01/15/5850433-a-dog-takes-its-loyalty-to-the-grave-in-brazil)[examples](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hachik%C5%8D)of dogs mourning their masters for years. I do have to wonder, though, if at some point their mourning became habit, rather than actual mourning- dogs need structure and routine in their lives. My cat Albert has been in a depressed state ever since my husband died. He was definitely my husband’s cat, through and through. So some pets do suffer like that, but I think you tend to know which pets will and which won’t. ---
**Author:** ![Otara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a88e4f/32.png) [@Otara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otara)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2011, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/27 "2011-01-21T23:47:39Z")
Its possible incompetent therapy is involved, but its worth considering the scenario where it isnt, which is quite possible given we may be talking post trauma rather than a simple phobia. In real life I suspect solutions could be found, rather than it having to come to an ultimatum. As a moral dilemma, it comes down to what Susan can live with in the long run, rather than any absolute answer. I would see my job as to try and help her be clear about that, rather than saying which way it ‘should’ be. Otara ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/28 "2011-01-22T00:32:48Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > (bolding mine) > > > [@Acid Lamp](#): > > > > Third option. It’s time for April to get over it. Unlike a lot of posters, I have no time for phobias of everyday things. Those types of fears are things to be overcome and fear of dogs is a common and easily overcome one. We had a friend whose three year old was terrified of dogs due to a biting incident. (He was bitten on the cheek by a neighbors dog) On his first visit to our home he was terrified. On the second one I told his mother to sit him on the counter where he was above the animals. I gave him the cookie jar and let him feed the dogs who were now VERY attentive and VERY well behaved. On the third visit he sat on the floor and petted and hugged them. That’s it, fear gone. He likes dogs just fine now as long as he’s introduced to them and they don’t surprise him. > > > > April is a bit older, but will adapt just fine. Tell whatshis face to stop babying her and deal. > > Perhaps I wasn’t clear in the OP. What I meant for April to have undergone is not a simple bite, but something more like this [incident](http://www.abc24.com/news/local/story/Memphis-Girl-Mauled-by-Pit-Bull-Family-Wants-Dog/KAxuIziUkkOYGJjpsO3-kQ.cspx). (Warning: while the news story in the link is safe for work, the story is disturbing.) > > I think it’s … odd to call a father being protective of a child whose undergone such a thing _babying_. And I also don’t think the the technique you described above would work with a child whose undergone such extensive trauma. My answer’s the same as Acid Lamp’s and yeah, I understood from the OP that April was seriously mauled. I wouldn’t go so far as to call the father “babying”. He means well. But part of trauma recovery is learning to face new, similar, situations. If April had been hurt in a car accident, would Edward be reasonable to ask Whatshername to use a bike everywhere? Hell, biking’s healthy and the car won’t care if it gets sent to that Great Parking Lot in the Sky. If April was in a school shooting, she would be encouraged to go out in public again, to places where crowds are, even though something bad happened to her. If she fell down the stairs, would they move to ranch house? If she got e.coli from a hamburger, would they all become vegetarians? What happened to April is sad but the sooner she learns to face that fear the better off she’ll be. Indulging her fears is not really rational and it’s not really doing her any favors. Her Dad should have bought her a dog of her own when she was first attacked. Something bad happened to April. The whole family shouldn’t be held hostage by that. April should be encouraged to heal with the understanding that irrational fears are just that. I voted “other” - they should get engaged, live separately and keep having bed-frame rattling sex. It sounds like they have something pretty good - no reason why they can’t keep at it. Eventually, the dog will die and April will recover and/or get a place of her own. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/29 "2011-01-22T01:12:01Z")
I’d actually refuse to marry Susan because she asked to think about it. In my mind if you’re going to ask someone to marry you (and for them to say yes) that means that you want that person in your life and your baggage and family becomes theirs. The fact that she even had to think about whether she should keep the dog or my daughter and myself means that I and my daughter aren’t the most important people in her life. And if we’re going to get married then I, and especially my daughter, need to be. ---
**Author:** ![Spit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/76d3ee/32.png) [@Spit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spit)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/30 "2011-01-22T01:50:51Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Smart people do stupid things sometimes. It could well be that Edmund has thought of their relationship as essentially limited all this time because of the dog issue, but has just come to the realization that he wants more than that. Likewise, Susan may have entered the relationship thinking the same thing, only to find her feelings changing over time. > > Also, while I can see tolerating my _own_ allergies to a pet for love of my wife, I cannot see tolerating my _child’s_ suffering for love of a woman. How long has it been since Edmund had a steady lay? ---
**Author:** ![6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/6/e19adc/32.png) [@6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/6ImpossibleThingsB4Breakfast)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/31 "2011-01-22T02:13:45Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > **Skald** Is your whole life just on e big daydream? Don’t take that the wrong way, I’m a fan of your work. I’m impressed by the (near!) inadvertent coinage of the term “e-daydream” **Shakes**! My opinion? 1. Therapy for the wussy kid. 2. Two-pronged counseling for the father: parenting, for encouraging pathetic and phobic behaviour; relationship, for insisting on a hard-edged ultimatum in without which he wins all without compromise. 3. Surgical insertion of a spine not made of jelly for Susan, with follow-up physio on how to define useful relationship boundaries. I don’t like this family, **Skald**! ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/32 "2011-01-22T02:15:20Z")
> [@RandMcnally](#): > > I’d actually refuse to marry Susan because she asked to think about it. In my mind if you’re going to ask someone to marry you (and for them to say yes) that means that you want that person in your life and your baggage and family becomes theirs. > > The fact that she even had to think about whether she should keep the dog or my daughter and myself means that I and my daughter aren’t the most important people in her life. And if we’re going to get married then I, and especially my daughter, need to be. First reactions aren’t especially profound, and some people just like to think, After all, many a person has responding to impending parenthood with “No fucking way” and gone on to be a great parent. If I asked my husband if a family member could move in, say, I promise you his first reaction would be “Gee, I dunno”, but after a couple days of reflection he’d want what was best for our extended family. And he’d be gracious about it. ---
**Author:** ![Otara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/a88e4f/32.png) [@Otara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otara)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/33 "2011-01-22T08:29:01Z")
I think there’s a bit of room between having an overly traumatic fear of dogs and getting to the point of wanting to live with a rotweiller in your own home. That’s a lot to expect of a 6 year old in my view - it might be possible, but I wouldn’t see it as an outcome that has to happen in order to be able to have a normal life, or even an outcome that can definitely occur. ---
**Author:** ![enipla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/54ee81/32.png) [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/34 "2011-01-22T14:26:49Z")
Refuse to marry. Get April help to deal with her problem with dogs. ---
**Author:** ![PapSett](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@PapSett](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PapSett)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/35 "2011-01-22T15:13:13Z")
Nope, my dogs and I come as a package deal. Lots of kids have been a dog bite victim and dealt with it. The prospect of living a life without dogs so the perfect little peach April won’t wig out… Nope, nope, nope. She needs to put on her big girl pants and get over herself. (Yes I’m being a little flippant because I quite frankly like dogs better than kids. But my choice still stands.) ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/36 "2011-01-22T17:20:48Z")
Depends on how she feels about the dog. Myself, No. Since I like and trust dogs better than most people I know. ---
**Author:** ![otternell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecc23a/32.png) [@otternell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/otternell)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/37 "2011-01-22T17:43:15Z")
count me in as part of the dog team! I wouldn’t have let it get this far without a clear understanding of you either love my dog too or you don’t love either of us. I cannot imagine life without a dog. I have no children so obviously have no problem imagining that life! The only time I didn’t have a dog in my life was when I lived in an apartment - and even though cats weren’t allowed either, I smuggled in one of those! I will have a fuzzy-butt in my house to pet come hell or high water! No way would I ever give up a dog once I had one in my heart. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/38 "2011-01-22T17:47:24Z")
> [@otternell](#): > > count me in as part of the dog team! I wouldn’t have let it get this far without a clear understanding of you either love my dog too or you don’t love either of us. > > I cannot imagine life without a dog. I have no children so obviously have no problem imagining that life! The only time I didn’t have a dog in my life was when I lived in an apartment - and even though cats weren’t allowed either, I smuggled in one of those! I will have a fuzzy-butt in my house to pet come hell or high water! No way would I ever give up a dog once I had one in my heart. If you bore or sired a child who proved to be allergic to the dog, what would you do? For that matter, what would you do if you bore a child and your dog(s) proved hostile to the newborn, as sometimes, happens, what would you do? ---
**Author:** ![otternell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecc23a/32.png) [@otternell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/otternell)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/39 "2011-01-22T17:51:32Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > If you had bore or sired a child who proved to be allergic to the dog, what would you do? > > For that matter, what would you do if you bore a child and your dog(s) proved hostile to the newborn, as sometimes, happens, what would you do? There are treatment options for allergies and I’m pretty sure that proper socialization / training / introductions can resolve the hostility problem. Fortunately, I have no children by choice - I’m 36 and married - I’d have them if I wanted to. I pump my system full of hormones constantly so I never have to make those choices. Sorry it doesn’t help your hypothetical! ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [January 22, 2011, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493/40 "2011-01-22T18:02:32Z")
> [@Morgenstern](#): > > Put the dog in obedience school, put the kids in counseling and move the boyfriend to the couch. > Then tell him that boyfriends are much easier to find, and much less loyal than good dogs and that he’ll get off the couch when he kisses the dogs ass and the dog smiles. \*That \*is funny. I’m going to have to steal it. “when the dog smiles”. Perfect tag line, perfectly timed. She keeps the dog, even if it means the deal is off. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-owners-boyfriend-asks-her-to-give-away-dog-before-moving-in-with-him-and-his-kid-should-she/568493.md?page=3)