# Pet peeve: "The wife" **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 12, 2015, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826 "2015-03-12T13:32:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![PatrickLondon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/patricklondon/32/4422_2.png) [@PatrickLondon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatrickLondon)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/21 "2015-03-12T17:26:34Z")
At least they’re not referring to “The little woman” - not that I’ve heard that in 50 years or so. ---
**Author:** ![SJL4041](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/73ab20/32.png) [@SJL4041](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SJL4041)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/22 "2015-03-12T17:29:55Z")
When Marge Simpson walks in to find Homer, immobile on the floor in great pain, he only has to say two words: “The boy.” I would only use “the wife” in a joking context. “The wife is dragging me to the beer festival.” For formal usage we both exclusively use, “The Old B&C.” ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/23 "2015-03-12T17:31:07Z")
> [@Acsenray](#): > > In Indian culture, there is a reluctance to refer to or address people close to you by name. If the person is your “elder,” then it is disrespectful to do so. If the person is your wife or child, it can be seen as indelicate to refer to the person by name in the third person. It’s always okay to say “my wife” or “my son’s mother,” but to say “Sonia” can create an impression that you’re saying something that should be saved for the bedroom. And to refer to your son by name can create an impression that you are being boastful. Thanks for explaining that. The people I’ve heard doing that are just acquaintances, so it would be awkward for me to ask them why they did it. I figured it was likely something normal in their culture. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 5:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/24 "2015-03-12T17:40:59Z")
If you say “the wife and I” people can claim you’re objectifying your wife. If you say “my wife and I” people can claim you’re saying you own your wife. If you say “Mary and I” people can claim you’re trying to deny the marriage. If you say “Mary and I” and your wife’s name is Jane then you have some legitimate issues that you need to work out. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/25 "2015-03-12T17:45:19Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > Thanks for explaining that. The people I’ve heard doing that are just acquaintances, so it would be awkward for me to ask them why they did it. I figured it was likely something normal in their culture. My brother and I tease our mom and dad, because for our entire lives we have only heard them address each other with a word that literally means “Are you listening?” If we insist they say each other’s names, they blush and they’re both well over 65! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/26 "2015-03-12T17:45:31Z")
> [@lieu](#): > > I was never fortunate enough to read much Sartre, but the little woman, philosophy was her minor. Oh, so you’re saying your wife’s accomplishments are minor. But I suppose all your accomplishments are important. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/27 "2015-03-12T17:57:16Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > Oh, so you’re saying your wife’s accomplishments are minor. But I suppose all your accomplishments are important. At least he didn’t call her large, while her accomplishments are small. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/28 "2015-03-12T18:03:30Z")
Now my F-I-L will refer to his wife as “the big woman” but it unquestionably means he/we all defer to her as the one taking charge, setting the schedule, etc. She’s got an agenda and it’s best to go along. Usually it ain’t half bad. No one seriously reads anything much into it. ---
**Author:** ![CGav8r](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/34f0e0/32.png) [@CGav8r](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CGav8r)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/29 "2015-03-12T18:12:08Z")
Using “the wife” is a pretty minor rhetorical device; I do it to sound slightly formal for humorous effect. If you were my spouse and it bugged you, I would stop (real example: I called her “the boss” for a few years until she told me it bugged her). If you were someone else who was bothered by it and shared that with me, I would respectfully tell you to GFY. ---
**Author:** ![CheshireKat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheshirekat/32/1207_2.png) [@CheshireKat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheshireKat)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/30 "2015-03-12T18:14:13Z")
I would only be upset if they said “The wife just ate the last cookie.” ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/31 "2015-03-12T18:31:23Z")
Hmm. I use “the wife” pretty much exclusively unless I’m talking to friends. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/32 "2015-03-12T18:34:02Z")
The Mrs. says that she doesn’t care if I call her “the wife” or not, and people who get upset about such usage should do something more constructive and meaningful with their time if they wish to be the type of person who has a laudatory, large, and largely mournful crowd at their memorial service one day. I’m just reporting here, people. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/33 "2015-03-12T18:39:18Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > So what do any of you suggest? > > “My wife” instead of “The wife”? Yes. I hate the phrase “the wife”. I can’t really articulate why, but it sounds so cold, like you don’t really have an emotional connection to that person. “My wife” doesn’t sound creepy possessive at all to me (and I’ve never heard anyone claim that it is). ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/34 "2015-03-12T18:43:22Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > The Mrs. says that she doesn’t care if I call her “the wife” or not, and people who get upset about such usage should do something more constructive and meaningful with their time if they wish to be the type of person who has a laudatory, large, and largely mournful crowd at their memorial service one day. > > I’m just reporting here, people. If it doesn’t matter, then why say ‘the wife’ instead of ‘my wife’? At best, the listener will treat ‘the wife’ and ‘my wife’ as synonyms. But some people do notice the difference and think it means something. If you don’t intend any difference, why not say ‘my wife’ so that everyone understands it the same way? ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/35 "2015-03-12T18:45:05Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > The Mrs. says that she doesn’t care if I call her “the wife” or not, and people who get upset about such usage should do something more constructive and meaningful with their time if they wish to be the type of person who has a laudatory, large, and largely mournful crowd at their memorial service one day. > > I’m just reporting here, people. With all respect to Mrs. Mercotan, I think I will have an adequate number of mourners at my eventual funeral, despite this shortcoming. She can rest easy. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/36 "2015-03-12T18:45:42Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > that everyone understands it the same way And this happens when? In what universe? ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/37 "2015-03-12T18:51:24Z")
Husband and I call each other “Husband” and “Wife” all the time. It’s almost like a pet name - a tiny reminder that we are what we are to one another. “Husband, have you seen my glasses?” “They’re on the nightstand, Wife.” “Thank you, Dear Heart.” And the tone and meaning of them (to us at least) is the same as if we’d said “Sweetie” or “Pie” or “O Best Beloved” or “Love” or any of the other things that we call each other all the time. Yes, we both like pet names, both given and received. Yes, we’re one of those couples that gives other people cavities. No, it’s not a fakey show for other people’s benefit, we’re like that even when it’s just the two of us. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/38 "2015-03-12T18:52:47Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > Husband and I call each other “Husband” and “Wife” all the time. It’s almost like a pet name - a tiny reminder that we are what we are to one another. > > “Husband, have you seen my glasses?” > “They’re on the nightstand, Wife.” > “Thank you, Dear Heart.” > > And the tone and meaning of them (to us at least) is the same as if we’d said “Sweetie” or “Pie” or “O Best Beloved” or “Love” or any of the other things that we call each other all the time. > > Yes, we both like pet names, both given and received. Yes, we’re one of those couples that gives other people cavities. No, it’s not a fakey show for other people’s benefit, we’re like that even when it’s just the two of us. The issue isn’t with using “husband” or “wife” in general, but specifically “the wife”. ---
**Author:** ![racepug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@racepug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racepug)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 6:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/39 "2015-03-12T18:58:48Z")
I say it that way. You never know, for sure, what’s going to get under people’s skin… ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/40 "2015-03-12T19:00:18Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > And this happens when? In what universe? If you say ‘my wife’, everyone thinks that sounds normal. When you say ‘the wife’, some people think it sounds odd. They think you’re trying to imply something by saying ‘the wife’ instead of ‘my wife’. If that’s not your intention, using ‘my wife’ avoids that confusion. I generally interpret ‘the wife’ as a dismissive way of referring to her. If you’re doing it with close friends who know your relationship, then they probably understand. But if you’re talking to coworkers, people at the gym, etc, they may think you have a less loving, more impersonal relationship with your wife. If instead you use ‘my wife’, I don’t think anything of it and assume you have a typical relationship with her. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826.md?page=3)