# Pet peeve: "The wife" **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 12, 2015, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826 "2015-03-12T13:32:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/41 "2015-03-12T19:03:33Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > If you say ‘my wife’, everyone thinks that sounds normal. When you say ‘the wife’, some people think it sounds odd. They think you’re trying to imply something by saying ‘the wife’ instead of ‘my wife’. If that’s not your intention, using ‘my wife’ avoids that confusion. > > I generally interpret ‘the wife’ as a dismissive way of referring to her. If you’re doing it with close friends who know your relationship, then they probably understand. But if you’re talking to coworkers, people at the gym, etc, they may think you have a less loving, more impersonal relationship with your wife. If instead you use ‘my wife’, I don’t think anything of it and assume you have a typical relationship with her. Your experience is not universal. Not everyone thinks that “my wife” sounds normal. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/42 "2015-03-12T19:04:32Z")
Oh, sure, but **Lancia** upthread thought it was weird when a relative called her husband “Husband”. I was just pointing out, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. I do agree that using “my husband” or “my fiance” (or even sometimes “my boyfriend”) when it’s not necessary conversationally is often a form of bragging among women, especially younger or working-class women, for whom having a man in your life may not be a given. It’s a subtle status thing, a reminder to the other women that they have been proven to be desirable and are therefore a bit higher in the pecking order than they otherwise would be. ---
**Author:** ![dracoi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@dracoi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dracoi)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/43 "2015-03-12T19:06:13Z")
Well, I’m confused. I would have thought “the wife” might be better than “my wife” because it’s not possessive. I guess we’ll have to go with “[Wife’s Name], the independent person with whom I have entered into a legally binding non-gender-specific marriage agreement.” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/44 "2015-03-12T19:07:22Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > Oh, sure, but **Lancia** upthread thought it was weird when a relative called her husband “Husband”. I was just pointing out, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Ah, you’re right. Sorry. > [@](#): > > I do agree that using “my husband” or “my fiance” (or even sometimes “my boyfriend”) when it’s not necessary conversationally is often a form of bragging among women, especially younger or working-class women, for whom having a man in your life may not be a given. It’s a subtle status thing, a reminder to the other women that they have been proven to be desirable and are therefore a bit higher in the pecking order than they otherwise would be. I’ve never seen that before. That’s pretty icky. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/45 "2015-03-12T19:08:58Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > If you say ‘my wife’, everyone thinks that sounds normal. When you say ‘the wife’, some people think it sounds odd. They think you’re trying to imply something by saying ‘the wife’ instead of ‘my wife’. If that’s not your intention, using ‘my wife’ avoids that confusion. > > I generally interpret ‘the wife’ as a dismissive way of referring to her. If you’re doing it with close friends who know your relationship, then they probably understand. But if you’re talking to coworkers, people at the gym, etc, they may think you have a less loving, more impersonal relationship with your wife. If instead you use ‘my wife’, I don’t think anything of it and assume you have a typical relationship with her. I admire your psychic abilities. Why the hell is your hang-up my responsibility? ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/46 "2015-03-12T19:31:07Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > I admire your psychic abilities. Why the hell is your hang-up my responsibility? I bring it up here because it would be inappropriate to do so in the real world. However, I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world who thinks this way. There are probably many people who feel the same way but won’t say anything to you. I certainly have never mentioned it to the few people who I’ve seen do it. That’s why I bring it up. If you don’t notice the difference, you may be assuming that your audience doesn’t as well, but that’s not the case. Some people may infer you mean something negative about your relationship that you don’t intend to convey. I suppose if I was in a culture when it was normal to use ‘the’, then it would seem normal. But just about everyone I know who talks about their wife says ‘my wife’. So when someone says ‘the wife’, it stands out. I don’t understand why use ‘ **the** wife’ when ‘my’ is used with most other people or things close to you like son/daughter/mother/father/sister/dog/car/tv… If it’s all the same to you and everyone else, why use ‘the’ in that fashion? ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/47 "2015-03-12T19:36:11Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > I bring it up here because it would be inappropriate to do so in the real world. However, I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world who thinks this way. There are probably many people who feel the same way but won’t say anything to you. I certainly have never mentioned it to the few people who I’ve seen do it. That’s why I bring it up. If you don’t notice the difference, you may be assuming that your audience doesn’t as well, but that’s not the case. Some people may infer you mean something negative about your relationship that you don’t intend to convey. > > I suppose if I was in a culture when it was normal to use ‘the’, then it would seem normal. But just about everyone I know who talks about their wife says ‘my wife’. So when someone says ‘the wife’, it stands out. > > I don’t understand why use ‘ **the** wife’ when ‘my’ is used with most other people or things close to you like son/daughter/mother/father/sister/dog/car/tv… If it’s all the same to you and everyone else, why use ‘the’ in that fashion? Why not? Why does it have to be YOUR way over any other way? It goes both ways. Yours is not more important than mine. Get over yourself. Or provide evidence that the majority of people say it any particular way. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/48 "2015-03-12T19:39:40Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > I’ve never seen that before. That’s pretty icky. If you’re a guy, it’s understandable that you haven’t seen it - it’s almost always in conversations just between women. Keep an ear out for it, though, and you’ll hear it. Even when complaining about their man, there’s very often a touch of pride in the phrase “my husband”. I actually have the theory that the phrase “my fiance” is _always_ a stealth-brag like this. There’s a subtext in there…“I have a fiance! I am going to be a Bride! I am important and desirable and valuable! The Happiest Day Of My Life is on the imminent horizon! Status status status!” ---
**Author:** ![CheshireKat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheshirekat/32/1207_2.png) [@CheshireKat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheshireKat)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 7:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/49 "2015-03-12T19:43:57Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > I actually have the theory that the phrase “my fiance” is _always_ a stealth-brag like this. There’s a subtext in there…“I have a fiance! I am going to be a Bride! I am important and desirable and valuable! The Happiest Day Of My Life is on the imminent horizon! Status status status!” [Exactly.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04ueFND7JT4) ---
**Author:** ![Macca26](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/13edae/32.png) [@Macca26](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macca26)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/50 "2015-03-12T19:44:27Z")
Thing is, my husband and I have a thing where yes, we do “own” each other. It gives us pleasure to know that the other person is “mine”. Sometimes we’ll say things like “You are mine, and I am yours” to be romantic. So if people want to interpret me saying “My husband” as ownership over him, well in my case at least, we already interpret it that way. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/51 "2015-03-12T19:56:49Z")
> [@Macca26](#): > > Thing is, my husband and I have a thing where yes, we do “own” each other. It gives us pleasure to know that the other person is “mine”. Sometimes we’ll say things like “You are mine, and I am yours” to be romantic. > > So if people want to interpret me saying “My husband” as ownership over him, well in my case at least, we already interpret it that way. That’s great, I agree wholeheartedly. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/52 "2015-03-12T19:57:06Z")
This thread and OP has got to be the most glaring example of overthinking things. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/53 "2015-03-12T20:22:39Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > If you’re a guy, it’s understandable that you haven’t seen it - it’s almost always in conversations just between women. Keep an ear out for it, though, and you’ll hear it. Even when complaining about their man, there’s very often a touch of pride in the phrase “my husband”. > > I actually have the theory that the phrase “my fiance” is _always_ a stealth-brag like this. There’s a subtext in there…“I have a fiance! I am going to be a Bride! I am important and desirable and valuable! The Happiest Day Of My Life is on the imminent horizon! Status status status!” I’m a girl. I referred to my husband to be as my fiancé and it really didn’t have that subtext. First he was my classmate, then my friend, then my boyfriend, the my fiancé, then my husband. Why would I not refer to him as my fiancé? (But seriously. Everyone on this board thinks I’m a guy. It’s not just you. I just don’t get it. 😕) ---
**Author:** ![Senegoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senegoid/32/6606_2.png) [@Senegoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Senegoid)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/54 "2015-03-12T20:26:43Z")
Can’t we just all agree to call her SWMBO (pronounced “swimbo”), or should that be THE SWMBO? (Those who have SWMBOs, that is.) ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/55 "2015-03-12T20:51:41Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > This thread and OP has got to be the most glaring example of overthinking things. Fighting ignorance grows a lot more prosaic in peacetime. “The wife” doesn’t bother me. What I somehow can’t get used to, even after nearly twenty years, is hearing my wife and her sister both say _minha mãe_ (my mother) when conversing with each other. You’re both talking about the same person, dammit! ---
**Author:** ![moojja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e5b9ba/32.png) [@moojja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/moojja)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 9:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/56 "2015-03-12T21:18:15Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > If you’re a guy, it’s understandable that you haven’t seen it - it’s almost always in conversations just between women. Keep an ear out for it, though, and you’ll hear it. Even when complaining about their man, there’s very often a touch of pride in the phrase “my husband”. > > I actually have the theory that the phrase “my fiance” is _always_ a stealth-brag like this. There’s a subtext in there…“I have a fiance! I am going to be a Bride! I am important and desirable and valuable! The Happiest Day Of My Life is on the imminent horizon! Status status status!” > [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > I’m a girl. I referred to my husband to be as my fiancé and it really didn’t have that subtext. First he was my classmate, then my friend, then my boyfriend, the my fiancé, then my husband. Why would I not refer to him as my fiancé? > > (But seriously. Everyone on this board thinks I’m a guy. It’s not just you. I just don’t get it. 😕) I don’t get it either. How else are you suppose to refer to them. As to "Even when complaining about their man, there’s very often a touch of pride in the phrase “my husband”. " Is that the way it should be? If it’s a happy marriage, even when they annoy you, shouldn’t you be proud that you’re with this particular person. You shouldn’t be ashamed or indifferent of your partner. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/57 "2015-03-12T21:51:39Z")
I don’t view ‘my wife’ as implying ownership. Rather, the ‘my’ is used to imply a familial relationship like saying my father/mother/sister. To iterate why I think ‘my’ is better than ‘the’: - ‘my’ implies a closer, more personal relationship than ‘the’. Therefore, I view ‘my wife’ to imply a closer relationship than ‘the wife’. - ‘my wife’ uniquely identifies a single person–the person to whom you are married. ‘The wife’ can mean anyone who is a wife. For example, “We went with another couple to the concert. While waiting in line, the wife and I got snacks.” Which wife did you go with? Your wife or the wife of the other couple? -Anyone call call her ‘the wife’. Only you can call her ‘my wife’. I can understand how someone might prefer ‘the’, but it would be good if you could iterate why you think that. Is it the norm in your culture? Do you think ‘my’ is too intimate? ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/58 "2015-03-12T21:55:01Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > Oh, so you’re saying your wife’s accomplishments are minor. But I suppose all your accomplishments are important. What a strange twist into something never implied. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/59 "2015-03-12T22:31:18Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > I can understand how someone might prefer ‘the’, but it would be good if you could iterate why you think that. Is it the norm in your culture? Do you think ‘my’ is too intimate? Respect. _The_ wife. _The_ Mrs. _The_ Empress. _The_ Goddess of Love and Madness. _The_ Alpha and Omega. _The_ One who must be heeded. Far too fraught with passion and terror for me to take ownership of. _Cynthia_ ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/60 "2015-03-12T22:42:37Z")
I’m glad that works for you, but that wouldn’t feel like respect to me. At all. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826.md?page=4)