# Pet peeve: "The wife" **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 12, 2015, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826 "2015-03-12T13:32:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/61 "2015-03-12T22:53:07Z")
> [@IvoryTowerDenizen](#): > > I’m glad that works for you, but that wouldn’t feel like respect to me. At all. To each their own. Which was my point. ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [March 12, 2015, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/62 "2015-03-12T23:17:26Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > To each their own. > > Which was my point. I understand, which is why I said I’m glad it works for you. ---
**Author:** ![PlainJain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/5daacb/32.png) [@PlainJain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PlainJain)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/63 "2015-03-13T02:33:39Z")
I just say the spouse. ---
**Author:** ![Deeg](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/deeg/32/2955_2.png) [@Deeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Deeg)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 4:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/64 "2015-03-13T04:23:43Z")
> [@Salem](#): > > My father used this. Made me cringe every time I heard it. It objectifies one’s wife, in my opinion. I’m gonna have to disagree. Is using “the judge”, “the president”, or “the headmaster” objectifying? E.g. “the judge let me off with a slap of the wrist.” ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 9:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/65 "2015-03-13T09:52:56Z")
I have always detested “the wife” and similar phrases. I wish this practice would just die out. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/66 "2015-03-13T12:31:37Z")
I routinely refer to my husband, in conversation with others as ‘the boy’, though he’s well passed 50. In part because it suits him, he’s such a boy sometimes, and, in part because it pleases him to still be considered just a boy! But mostly because neither of us give a shit what anyone else thinks of how we reference each other. It only matters that it pleases us. We are neither, insecure about garnering the other’s respect, after 30 yrs together! To each their own, of course, but it seems to me you gotta go a long way out of your way to get touchy over someone else’s usage of ‘the’ in referencing THEIR spouse! ---
**Author:** ![CGav8r](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/34f0e0/32.png) [@CGav8r](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CGav8r)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/67 "2015-03-13T12:44:37Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > I don’t view ‘my wife’ as implying ownership. Rather, the ‘my’ is used to imply a familial relationship like saying my father/mother/sister. > > To iterate why I think ‘my’ is better than ‘the’: > > - ‘my’ implies a closer, more personal relationship than ‘the’. Therefore, I view ‘my wife’ to imply a closer relationship than ‘the wife’. > > - ‘my wife’ uniquely identifies a single person–the person to whom you are married. ‘The wife’ can mean anyone who is a wife. For example, “We went with another couple to the concert. While waiting in line, the wife and I got snacks.” Which wife did you go with? Your wife or the wife of the other couple? > > -Anyone call call her ‘the wife’. Only you can call her ‘my wife’. > > I can understand how someone might prefer ‘the’, but it would be good if you could iterate why you think that. Is it the norm in your culture? Do you think ‘my’ is too intimate? I don’t think “my” is more intimate than “the”; the word wife is the title that shows a familial bond/intimacy (unless it has ex- in front of it). If I said to you “The wife and I are going to dinner,” would you really be confused? It would be normal to understand it was a single, uniquely identified person, just like “my wife”. And the example you show is unrealistic; I’ve heard folks use “the wife” hundreds of times when referring to their own spouse, but never when referring to someone else’s spouse. In that instance they say “Mike’s wife”, or her name to make sure there is no confusion. For me, there isn’t much difference in either one-both refer to a specific person. I’m guessing that there are folks who say that any time you use the title of wife you are being objectifying, since you are just referring to them in how they relate to you, instead of their name. ---
**Author:** ![GrumpyBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bc8723/32.png) [@GrumpyBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrumpyBunny)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/68 "2015-03-13T13:11:00Z")
> [@ZipperJJ](#): > > That’s not a matter of being able to pronounce things, though. It’s a matter of being able to keep 4+ people straight. > > I mean a kid can have 4 grandparents. If grandparents are divorced, they could have 8. And they can also have great-grandparents. > > People can be “grandmother Jane” and “grandmother Mary,” all the way down the line. But that’s boring as fuck and a mouthful. And not at all endearing! > > Instead you get grammy and grampy, mee-maw and paw-paw, great grandma gigi and geepy, and all sorts of lovely, endearing, special names for all of the people who love your child. > > Is that so bad? > > (FWIW I only had 2 grandparents by the time I was born so I ended up with grandma and grandpa. My nieces have 6 grandparents and 4 great-grandparents so everyone got special names.) I had 7 grandparents (never knew the paternal grandfather) and we managed well with pretty normal terms. I suppose it really only bothers me when adults refer to themselves as “GrampyPa” or whatever to another adult. Look, you’re not MY GrampyPa, so knock it off. However, I still hate MeeMaw in any context. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/69 "2015-03-13T13:12:00Z")
> [@steronz](#): > > It’s not until you get to wife that people suddenly alter their habits and say “the” instead of “my.” And, IME, they do it in order to _distance_ themselves from that relationship. Agreed. “The wife” sounds to me like the vaguest sort of insult, a way of framing one’s wife as being a thing that has to be put up with, not the person with whom you are in a most intimate relationship. I do use the direct article with other people; I’ll refer to my daughters as “the children” or “the kids,” for example, but that’s a collective noun in that case. I don’t refer to either of them individually as “the child” or something like that. I might say “the boss” I guess, but, again, that’s not a close relationship and it’s vaguely comical on purpose and only used in certain contexts. Most of the time I’d refer to my boss by his name. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/70 "2015-03-13T13:15:37Z")
I always show respect for her by capitalization. I say “the Wife.” ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/71 "2015-03-13T14:04:47Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > Fighting ignorance grows a lot more prosaic in peacetime. > > “The wife” doesn’t bother me. What I somehow can’t get used to, even after nearly twenty years, is hearing my wife and her sister both say _minha mãe_ (my mother) when conversing with each other. You’re both talking about the same person, dammit! Don’t get near me and my sisters then- we often say “_your_ mother” when conversing with each other. ``` " The wife" kind of bugs me although I'm not sure why. I suspect that part of it is becasue I never hear " the husband" used in the same why and part because contrary to **CGav8r**'s experience, I *have *heard it used to refer to someone else's wife. To expand on a previous example : ``` “So what did the wife say about bowling this weekend?” ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/72 "2015-03-13T14:21:15Z")
I say “the wife” and it’s nothing more meaningful than a convention of speech. She and I both say “the baby” and I’m _fairly_ confident that she’s not using the term to display her dripping contempt for the child she sees only as property. I suppose as long as she and I are happy with it, the rest of the world can get worked up on our behalves if they want. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/73 "2015-03-13T15:36:18Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > If you’re a guy, it’s understandable that you haven’t seen it - it’s almost always in conversations just between women. Keep an ear out for it, though, and you’ll hear it. Even when complaining about their man, there’s very often a touch of pride in the phrase “my husband”. > > I actually have the theory that the phrase “my fiance” is _always_ a stealth-brag like this. There’s a subtext in there…“I have a fiance! I am going to be a Bride! I am important and desirable and valuable! The Happiest Day Of My Life is on the imminent horizon! Status status status!” As a guy, and I do hear women sprinkle “my husband” or “my fiance” or “my boyfriend” into conversations, but I always assumed that was their subtle way of warning “Don’t hit on me, I have someone already, or am faking it because I am not interested in you.” ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/74 "2015-03-13T15:50:46Z")
This complaint comes up about once a year on the Board. The wife says to say that some people here should get a life. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/75 "2015-03-13T16:00:11Z")
> [@Little\_Nemo](#): > > If you say “the wife and I” people can claim you’re objectifying your wife. > > If you say “my wife and I” people can claim you’re saying you own your wife. > > If you say “Mary and I” people can claim you’re trying to deny the marriage. > > If you say “Mary and I” and your wife’s name is Jane then you have some legitimate issues that you need to work out. This. (Another reason to always date chicks with the same first name as your wife. It avoids a \*lot \*of potentially embarrassing moments.) Seriously … I find “the wife” a touch objectifying, and generally don’t use it. I also recognize that it’s standard usage is some cultural circles and in those circles should not be taken as objectifying. But I have also been taken to task by radicals over using “my wife”. There’s no pleasing everyone. The best we can hope for is to not mean bad things and to be alert to signs that other folks thought we meant bad things. And then correct the error in their understgnding, with a 2x4 if necessary. Just kidding about the last part. ---
**Author:** ![gnoitall](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bb73d2/32.png) [@gnoitall](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gnoitall)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/76 "2015-03-13T16:28:53Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > I have always detested “the wife” and similar phrases. I wish this practice would just die out. To be replaced by…? ---
**Author:** ![CGav8r](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/34f0e0/32.png) [@CGav8r](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CGav8r)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2015, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/77 "2015-03-13T16:31:11Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > Don’t get near me and my sisters then- we often say “_your_ mother” when conversing with each other. > > ``` > " The wife" kind of bugs me although I'm not sure why. I suspect that part of it is becasue I never hear " the husband" used in the same why and part because contrary to **CGav8r**'s experience, I *have *heard it used to refer to someone else's wife. To expand on a previous example : > > ``` > > “So what did the wife say about bowling this weekend?” I rescind my earlier statement; I actually have heard it used similarly to your example. Apologies. ---
**Author:** ![chaika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chaika/32/405_2.png) [@chaika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chaika)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2015, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/78 "2015-03-14T16:17:28Z")
I find “the wife” quite irritating. To me, it sounds belittling and has associations along the lines of “the little woman.” My husband never refers to me as “the wife.” Of course, his native language possesses neither definite nor indefinite articles. So if we’re speaking his language he couldn’t call me “the wife” anyway. And if we’re speaking English he might be unsure which article to use. 😉 Seriously, though, it isn’t something he would ever say (his English is actually very good). I discovered recently that one of my husband’s friends calls me “the director.” I have no idea why. ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2015, 10:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/79 "2015-03-17T10:42:55Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > Why not? Why does it have to be YOUR way over any other way? It goes both ways. Yours is not more important than mine. Get over yourself. Or provide evidence that the majority of people say it any particular way. Sorry, burpo, but filmore is correct. At least in the standard English of the five regions of the US in which I have lived, “my wife” is the usual phrase, while “the wife” is unusual. I’ve only heard “the wife” when talking among make buddies at work, at the bar, or on the basketball court, and always as a funny way to imply “sorry fellas, I’d love to stay for one more beer, but I gotta get back to the domestic responsibilities…” We’re not dismissing your experience. In your milieu, it’s the normal phrase (or coequal with “my wife”). But that milieu IS unusual among US regions. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2015, 10:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/80 "2015-03-17T10:59:33Z")
I would certainly never use the term “the wife,” as the use of the definite article implies some permanency of tenure that cannot be assured in modern times. I think a simple statement such as, “I will be attending the event with a wife,” is perfectly adequate and far more truthful. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826.md?page=5)