# Pet peeve: "The wife" **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 12, 2015, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826 "2015-03-12T13:32:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2015, 11:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/81 "2015-03-17T11:16:42Z")
> [@don\_t\_ask](#): > > I would certainly never use the term “the wife,” as the use of the definite article implies some permanency of tenure that cannot be assured in modern times. I think a simple statement such as, “I will be attending the event with a wife,” is perfectly adequate and far more truthful. How about “a wife of sorts”? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![JKellyMap](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jkellymap/32/15880_2.png) [@JKellyMap](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JKellyMap)\ **Post date:** [March 17, 2015, 11:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/82 "2015-03-17T11:46:57Z")
> [@Happy\_Lendervedder](#): > > Sometimes I’m amazed at the things that bother people. In other words, “I don’t care what you say anymore – this is _my wife_.” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Drummond\_Bays](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8edcca/32.png) [@Drummond\_Bays](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drummond_Bays)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/83 "2015-03-18T19:01:23Z")
Eh, when I turned 30 The Wife started asking me to can the pet names, and start referring to her as “The Wife” as she felt it more age-appropriate. She feels we’re a little too old to be using “Ducky-Dearest,” “Quacky McBeaks,” “Monkey-Chunky,” and “Penguin Von Eggmeister.” For background: she works, quite independent, drives a 4x4, etc. I can see why some people are bothered by it, but consider some couples actually WANT to use it in everyday conversation. _Shrug_ ---
**Author:** ![steronz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steronz/32/11765_2.png) [@steronz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steronz)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/84 "2015-03-18T20:08:18Z")
> [@Drummond\_Bays](#): > > Eh, when I turned 30 The Wife started asking me to can the pet names, and start referring to her as “The Wife” as she felt it more age-appropriate. She feels we’re a little too old to be using “Ducky-Dearest,” “Quacky McBeaks,” “Monkey-Chunky,” and “Penguin Von Eggmeister.” > > For background: she works, quite independent, drives a 4x4, etc. > > I can see why some people are bothered by it, but consider some couples actually WANT to use it in everyday conversation. > > _Shrug_ I don’t understand. So when you were 29, you’d tell your friends, “So Ducky-Dearest and I went to Macy’s to pick up a new couch?” And at 30 you’d say, “So The Wife and I went…”? Or was it more like at 29, you’d say, “Ducky Dearest, can you pass the mustard please?” and at 30, you’d say, “The Wife, can you pass the…”? Either way, I can’t see any situation in which “the wife” is a direct replacement for a pet name. ---
**Author:** ![Cabin\_Fever\_1](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cabin_fever_1/32/2908_2.png) [@Cabin\_Fever\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cabin_Fever_1)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/85 "2015-03-18T20:19:09Z")
> [@CheshireKat](#): > > I would only be upset if they said “The wife just ate the last cookie.” Hmm. So THAT is where it went. 😃 I must talk to your husband about that. My current wife, a cat, doesn’t give a shit about all this so I will bow out temporarily. Just stopped in to say “Hello”. Besides, not sure why this is even a issue. “My wife?” Yes that is Kayla, let me introduce you. “My wife.” People who know us know what is being said. There should be no guilt of being “possessive” using that phase. I think you might have more issues going on here than just using the term of endearment “My wife”. ---
**Author:** ![Cabin\_Fever\_1](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cabin_fever_1/32/2908_2.png) [@Cabin\_Fever\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cabin_Fever_1)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/86 "2015-03-18T20:23:03Z")
> [@Drummond\_Bays](#): > > Eh, when I turned 30 The Wife started asking me to can the pet names, and start referring to her as “The Wife” as she felt it more age-appropriate. She feels we’re a little too old to be using “Ducky-Dearest,” “Quacky McBeaks,” “Monkey-Chunky,” and “Penguin Von Eggmeister.” > > For background: she works, quite independent, drives a 4x4, etc. > > I can see why some people are bothered by it, but consider some couples actually WANT to use it in everyday conversation. > > _Shrug_ If you call me Monkey-Chunky one more time I am kicking you to the curb. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cabin\_Fever\_1](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cabin_fever_1/32/2908_2.png) [@Cabin\_Fever\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cabin_Fever_1)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/87 "2015-03-18T20:48:37Z")
> [@steronz](#): > > Example - “The wife and I went shopping today.” > > Bugs the hell out of me, and I hear it all the time. Going back to post #1. I am understanding how frustrating pet peeves can be…however… What would YOU say to a stranger regarding your above statement. Just curious. “Hi. This is my wife. We just went shopping and I thoroughly hated it.” To someone I didn’t know, that seems socially correct. Why would you think you would be “possessing” her? Maybe we are from different cultures but that is weird thought process. To someone who knew both of us I would say ‘Kayla and I went …blah…blah…’. There is no misogynist possessiveness in either of those statements. ---
**Author:** ![steronz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steronz/32/11765_2.png) [@steronz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steronz)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/88 "2015-03-18T21:16:05Z")
I never said anything about possession, other than to say that “my wife” is not inherently possessive and should be the preferred expression. Some people in this thread have argued that “my wife” is possessive, or that they fear being accused of being possessive, which is ridiculous and ignores common usage. I think that any time you’re about to say “the wife,” you should stop yourself and think about how people might react, and then probably switch it to “my wife.” Simple. Unless you either don’t particularly care for your wife and/or don’t mind if people come to that conclusion. ---
**Author:** ![Cabin\_Fever\_1](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cabin_fever_1/32/2908_2.png) [@Cabin\_Fever\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cabin_Fever_1)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/89 "2015-03-18T21:36:19Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > I have always detested “the wife” and similar phrases. I wish this practice would just die out. Just honestly curious. Why? I don’t mind being referred to as “My Husband” It is just a social context. ---
**Author:** ![Cabin\_Fever\_1](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cabin_fever_1/32/2908_2.png) [@Cabin\_Fever\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cabin_Fever_1)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/90 "2015-03-18T21:46:44Z")
> [@steronz](#): > > I never said anything about possession, other than to say that “my wife” is not inherently possessive and should be the preferred expression. > > Some people in this thread have argued that “my wife” is possessive, or that they fear being accused of being possessive, which is ridiculous and ignores common usage. > > I think that any time you’re about to say **“the wife,” you should stop yourself and think about how people might react, and then probably switch it to “my wife.” Simple.** Unless you either don’t particularly care for your wife and/or don’t mind if people come to that conclusion. I think I am about to understand what you meant in your OP. It is just so common usage here that it totally gave me pause. I have no problem with usage either way. If there is I am sure my female friends would let me know, ---
**Author:** ![Cabin\_Fever\_1](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cabin_fever_1/32/2908_2.png) [@Cabin\_Fever\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cabin_Fever_1)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 9:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/91 "2015-03-18T21:52:05Z")
> [@Siam\_Sam](#): > > This complaint comes up about once a year on the Board. The wife says to say that some people here should get a life. 😃 Tell her we are trying. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Celan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Celan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celan)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/92 "2015-03-18T22:10:15Z")
Whether cultural or regional, the times I have heard “the wife” used it sounded like an alternate term for “my wife” or a casually respectful reference to their significant other - THE wife. The term may sound odd to some, but it is used in some areas and is not,to my ear at least, meant as dismissive, degrading or rude. ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [March 18, 2015, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/93 "2015-03-18T22:32:13Z")
> [@steronz](#): > > I think that any time you’re about to say “the wife,” you should stop yourself and think about how people might react, and then probably switch it to “my wife.” Simple. Unless you either don’t particularly care for your wife and/or don’t mind if people come to that conclusion. Of course, that’s only true if you’re talking to steronz. If you’re talking to most people, you won’t get that reaction, either way. If you’re talking to people who have a preference, most of them will react in exactly 100% the opposite way of steronz. ---
**Author:** ![jasg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f0a364/32.png) [@jasg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jasg)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2015, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/94 "2015-03-19T00:07:42Z")
> [@don\_t\_ask](#): > > I would certainly never use the term “the wife,” as the use of the definite article implies some permanency of tenure that cannot be assured in modern times. I think a simple statement such as, “I will be attending the event with a wife,” is perfectly adequate and far more truthful. You could try using “the current wife” (but I don’t recommend it)… ---
**Author:** ![Siam\_Sam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d78d45/32.png) [@Siam\_Sam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siam_Sam)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2015, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/95 "2015-03-19T02:39:48Z")
> [@Siam\_Sam](#): > > This complaint comes up about once a year on the Board. The wife says to say that some people here should get a life. > [@Cabin\_Fever](#): > > 😃 > Tell her we are trying. 🙂 The wife says she wishes you guys would hurry up and do so. The wife has no problem with being called “the wife.” She does not feel belittled. Of course, she probably just puts it down to my lack of education. After all, I just have one master’s degree, whereas she has two plus is an assistant professor and a government researcher. If anyone were to belittle anyone, it would probably be her belittling me, but she is okay with “the wife” label and thoroughly bemused by the notion that it would be offensive to any normal person. ---
**Author:** ![Hershele\_Ostropoler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e47c2d/32.png) [@Hershele\_Ostropoler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hershele_Ostropoler)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2015, 3:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/96 "2015-03-19T03:11:19Z")
So “the my wife” when the time comes, then. * * * > [@GrumpyBunny](#): > > “The wife” doesn’t bother me (nor does “the girlfriend”). Both are better than “my old lady”. Nor does, “the kid” unless there are several and you can’t figure out who they’re talking about. I sometimes refer to my girlfriend as “the old lady,” but that’s because she was raised by hippies and her father was biker-adjacent. > [@VinylTurnip](#): > > “The wife” doesn’t bother me. What I somehow can’t get used to, even after nearly twenty years, is hearing my wife and her sister both say _minha mãe_ (my mother) when conversing with each other. You’re both talking about the same person, dammit! I have that problem from time to time, talking about my sister and then referring to my/our mother, and I never know which. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2015, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/97 "2015-03-19T05:03:46Z")
> [@steronz](#): > > I think that any time you’re about to say “the wife,” you should stop yourself and think about how people might react, and then probably switch it to “my wife.” Simple. Unless you either don’t particularly care for your wife and/or don’t mind if people come to that conclusion. The people whose opinions I’m most concerned about already know that I care for my wife. Anyone else who wants to get randomly huffy and offended on her behalf without knowing either of us can go pound walnuts. ---
**Author:** ![CGav8r](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/34f0e0/32.png) [@CGav8r](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CGav8r)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2015, 9:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/98 "2015-03-19T09:48:54Z")
> [@steronz](#): > > \ > I think that any time you’re about to say “the wife,” you should stop yourself and think about how people might react, and then probably switch it to “my wife.” Simple. Unless you either don’t particularly care for your wife and/or don’t mind if people come to that conclusion. Or, the person who hears someone use “the wife” could use good manners and common courtesy and give the speaker the benefit of the doubt regarding his or her relationship with his or her wife. Simple. ---
**Author:** ![velomont](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/8491ac/32.png) [@velomont](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velomont)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2015, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/99 "2015-03-19T14:55:17Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Why does it bug you? And what are people supposed to say instead? > > “My wife and I went shopping today”? Nothing wrong with that, but it sounds a little more formal and a little more redundant (who else’s wife would we have thought you meant?). > > “Ann and I went shopping today”? Only works if you’re talking to someone who knows who Ann is. > > “My wife, Morgan Fairchild (whom I’ve slept with) and I went shopping today”? Yeah, that’s the ticket. No offence intended but, in my world (urban Canuckistan) “the wife” sounds lowlife-ish, objectifying, and patriarchal - “why ain’t you in de kitchen where y’belongs?” I had a co-worker a long time ago who used to talk about “d’wife” and it actually disgusted us because it was just another part of a variety of related behaviours and mannerisms. “My wife” is simply a factual identifier and definitely not formal - “Lady Velonette” would sound formal:). I only use my wife’s name when I’m talking to people who know her. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [March 19, 2015, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826/100 "2015-03-19T16:32:29Z")
> [@velomont](#): > > No offence intended but, in my world (urban Canuckistan) “the wife” sounds lowlife-ish, objectifying, and patriarchal “Lowlife”, says the guy who uses the word _Canuckistan_, which is considered offensive by many folks on both sides of the border. Use of that term implies a bigoted, reactionary mindset a la Pat Buchanon, who popularized the term when he used it to mock and deride Canada as a whole. So I could consider you similar to, and of one mind with Pat Buchanon since you use that word. Or I could just give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you’re using it for your own reasons that don’t necessarily imply a low-life, knuckle-dragging, neoconservative mindset. I wonder which I should choose? 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/pet-peeve-the-wife/714826.md?page=6)