# Petty things you'd change if you were God **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 21, 2021, 9:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964 "2021-07-21T09:19:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/41 "2021-08-05T00:14:55Z")
Avocado Pits: _much_ smaller. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/42 "2021-08-05T01:07:43Z")
I’d change pi to be exactly 3. I’d make the sq root of 2 to be 1.41. And I’d change G. Randomly. Daily. ---
**Author:** ![EinsteinsHund](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/einsteinshund/32/8400_2.png) [@EinsteinsHund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EinsteinsHund)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/43 "2021-08-05T01:18:03Z")
> [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](#): > > And I’d change G. Randomly. Daily. I just smashed to the floor out of nowhere. Dammit, @Just_Asking_Questions ! (_shakes fist_) ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/44 "2021-08-05T01:29:36Z")
> [@EinsteinsHund](#): > > Dammit, Don’t blaspheme. ---
**Author:** ![nelliebly](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nelliebly/32/5422_2.png) [@nelliebly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nelliebly)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 3:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/45 "2021-08-05T03:16:16Z")
I’d make gums and teeth self-cleaning so flossing, brushing, etcetera are unnecessary and teeth last longer. > [@kayaker](#): > > I would smite the OP for suggesting I, the lord, your god, king of the universe, could ever be petty. Sing “Free Fallin’” and let us decide for ourselves. ---
**Author:** ![Civil\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d78d45/32.png) [@Civil\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Civil_Guy)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/46 "2021-08-05T03:22:48Z")
Kewl. Pump water uphill when G is low, let it flow down when G is high. Add a waterwheel. Energy for nuthin’. Profit! None of this entropy or conservation of energy stuff. What could go wrong? Me, I’ve got nothing against letting pi be exactly 3, but it seems to me that we would then need some other correction factor to get the math to work out. And pi itself shows up in a lot of math. ---
**Author:** ![Enjoy\_Slurm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enjoy_slurm/32/3937_2.png) [@Enjoy\_Slurm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enjoy_Slurm)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/47 "2021-08-05T04:18:01Z")
With Mitch, his timing and inflection are a big part of what makes what he says funny. So here’s the Mitch saying the thing: ( “cuz we all know what “D” is”) [![](https://img.youtube.com/vi/xPq0-8dyl8I/maxresdefault.jpg "Mitch Hedberg - The donut joke") ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPq0-8dyl8I) Speaking of making drugs and alcohol not addictive or deadly. I’d do that too and then maybe Mitch would still be with us. ---
**Author:** ![LH75](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lh75/32/4438_2.png) [@LH75](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LH75)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/48 "2021-08-05T11:55:58Z")
I would press the reset button and clear up whatever piece of the genetic code or core psyche component that causes one to embrace radical politics and replace it with an inborn irresistible urge to find consensus and work together for the betterment of all. ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/49 "2021-08-05T14:06:35Z")
Make farting silent and odorless. A fart would be no more embarrassing than a yawn or a hiccup. Of course, we’d lose a vein of humor that goes back literally millennia - the oldest recorded joke is a fart joke - so it wouldn’t be an unmixed blessing. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/50 "2021-08-05T14:34:04Z")
> [@Civil\_Guy](#): > > Me, I’ve got nothing against letting pi be exactly 3, but it seems to me that we would then need some other correction factor to get the math to work out. And pi itself shows up in a lot of math. But of course! All of math and physics would of course work out. Naturally, we have no idea what the universe would look like if that were so, but that’s the FUN! I’ve often wondered why pi must be so, and what would it be like were it not. (If I were God, of course I’d already know. But I am not, so there.) I figure with pi being exactly three, then wheels will be “rounder” and therefore more efficient. 🙂 Pi being a transcendental number, and also the fact it shows up everywhere, has fascinated people. It’s why some people (not me!) think that pi is God’s decoder pin. That if we understand it enough, all the answers to everything are hidden in its numbers. I mean, why DOES it show up everywhere? It’s just a “thing”. It’s not just math - real world wheels are goverened by pi. Even if we never understood math, pi is still everywhere. > [@Civil\_Guy](#): > > Kewl. Pump water uphill when G is low, let it flow down when G is high. Add a waterwheel. Energy for nuthin’. Profit! None of this entropy or conservation of energy stuff. What could go wrong? Exactly! I just make these backdoors into the universe, it’s your job to explit them. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Stainless\_Steel\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_stainless_steel_rat/32/5727_2.png) [@The\_Stainless\_Steel\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Stainless_Steel_Rat)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/51 "2021-08-05T14:56:55Z")
My petty things are mild; I would put the gas tank filler cap on the same side of every car and I would make every printer in the world either ‘face up’ or ‘face down’, don’t care which, just as long as they are all the same. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/52 "2021-08-05T14:57:57Z")
Make it impossible for Metal bands to perform ballads. Stay in your lane. ---
**Author:** ![DemonTree](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/demontree/32/8646_2.png) [@DemonTree](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DemonTree)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/53 "2021-08-05T15:23:14Z")
> [@The\_Stainless\_Steel\_Rat](#): > > I would put the gas tank filler cap on the same side of every car Noooo, that would make filling stations 50% less efficient. Doesn’t your car have the little indicator on the dashboard? ---
**Author:** ![Reeses\_Monkey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reeses_monkey/32/2885_2.png) [@Reeses\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reeses_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/54 "2021-08-05T17:31:03Z")
I miss my Chevy Caprice that had the gas cap in the center of the bumper, behind the license plate. I could pull up on either side of the pumps. When did they quit making cars that way and why? ---
**Author:** ![Folacin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/folacin/32/3195_2.png) [@Folacin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Folacin)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/55 "2021-08-05T17:58:40Z")
Remove pain receptors from the kidney. There really isn’t much to do for a kidney other than wait it out to pee it out, there is no reason for the pain to be crippling. ---
**Author:** ![Dallas\_Jones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dallas_jones/32/3277_2.png) [@Dallas\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dallas_Jones)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/56 "2021-08-05T18:11:51Z")
Body odor. People should naturally smell great, all the time, even when dirty. We would pick up the unwashed homeless and bring them home, like picking wildflowers. Give them some water, put them on the kitchen table. Throw them out after a few days when they start to wilt. I would not mind if the trade off is that flowers stink, I’ve got a weed eater for those things. ---
**Author:** ![Horatius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horatius/32/3572_2.png) [@Horatius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatius)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/57 "2021-08-05T18:24:42Z")
> [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](#): > > Make farting silent and odorless. A fart would be no more embarrassing than a yawn or a hiccup. I would design a proper valving system such that you only fart _after_ you’ve taken a dump, not before. Adds some nice gas pressure behind the dump, so less straining needed to get it moving, and then a nice long gas flush to clear out any lingering bits. I bet if I tweaked it just right, I could eliminate the need for toilet paper and bidets entirely! ---
**Author:** ![Folacin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/folacin/32/3195_2.png) [@Folacin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Folacin)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/58 "2021-08-05T18:31:06Z")
> [@Horatius](#): > > I bet if I tweaked it just right, I could eliminate the need for toilet paper and bidets entirely! Well, you’re going to have to make them all solid, I’d think (which in many cases makes the need for TP minimal). Otherwise the amount of gas needed to clean the remnants of a loose stool is going to be impressive. ---
**Author:** ![Horatius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horatius/32/3572_2.png) [@Horatius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatius)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/59 "2021-08-05T18:35:52Z")
> [@Folacin](#): > > Otherwise the amount of gas needed to clean the remnants of a loose stool is going to be impressive. That just opens up new avenues for fart-based humor! “Sorry I’m late! I’ve been farting since six o’clock last night!” ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964/60 "2021-08-05T18:51:04Z")
I’d make all the bacteria living in and around the human body kind and generous. They would make sweet smelling odors for our butts, pits and mouths. They wouldn’t create conditions for cavities or unhealthy gums, they would clean our teeth, excrete minerals to make them stronger, and keep our gums happy. They would fight off competing bacteria intent on infecting us. Rain would happen on a schedule, usually overnight, but sometimes when a warm summer shower would be pleasant instead of miserable. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/petty-things-youd-change-if-you-were-god/946964.md?page=4)