# Philosophical Difference between Spouses **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 3, 2012, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-difference-between-spouses/611626 "2012-02-03T04:41:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![pyromyte](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d26b3c/32.png) [@pyromyte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pyromyte)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2012, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-difference-between-spouses/611626/121 "2012-02-07T19:36:38Z")
My attempt at a Reasoned response: A healthy marriage has boundaries. A husband and wife should agree on what they are. In my opinion, assuming he’s not normally a jealous jerk, his concerns are legit, and deserve explanation. Trust… schmust… sometimes people betray you. You don’t want to be naive. Here are the facts: 1. His wife gave her cell number to another man at a party. 2. His wife gave her address to the other man. 3. His wife allowed this man in for a visit. 4. His wife has been speaking to another man a “few times a month over the course of three years” (I wish I knew if VoluntaryFireman knew about this relationship, because if he didn’t, that would be the biggest red flag of all). All the facts could be completely innocent. Whether they mean anything or not, he is not wrong in feeling weird and asking for an explanation from his wife, IMO. Enough of the reasonable stuff, lets get to the substance. This is the IMHO forum, right? From a guy who trusted his wife 100% and was burned by infidelity, here is my gut reaction: It sounds like VoluntaryFireman does not know this other man (who is supposedly a long time friend of the wife). I would suspect the wife had a past emotional (at least) affair with this guy, and maybe this guy (and maybe the wife) was looking to rekindle that history. Maybe it was something that was said at the party, or maybe it was their history, but something made this other man think she was interested in an affair. I would like to know more about how VoluntaryFireman came to know of the visit and the text messages. Maybe Mom was not supposed to spoil the rendezvous. I would be surprised if this was the first time lewd messages were sent. I would want to know about past communications. What does a wife talk about with another man a few times a month for three (or is it six) years? Well, at a minimum, even if everything is innocent, I would hope the wife has broken all communication with this man since the lewd messages, and has made it clear to him that he is never to contact her again. I would recommend VoluntaryFireman to be vigilant, read (and maybe ask his wife to read) \*NOT Just Friends \*by Shirley Glass. If it were me, I would check the phone bill to see if she is continuing contact with this man. It may be nothing (and I hope it is nothing). If his wife has been completely open and honest, and given good explanations that check out, he should drop it, leave her alone, give her a hug, and tell her he loves her. But full 100% trust is for fools (like I was). “I am in know [sic] way having an affair nor would I ever do that either”—sounds like my formerly wayward wife. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2012, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-difference-between-spouses/611626/122 "2012-02-07T21:56:53Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > All of this is just bizarre. I think it’s pretty clear he came on to her, and she was disgusted and told her husband. I can’t imagine she’d be eager to hang out with him again. > [@VoluntaryFireman](#): > > This is the wife of the firefighter…He did fail to mention my mom was here with me the whole time. I did NOT invite him in while alone. Nor would I have. He did ask me what to post, but that started another fight so we didn’t get very far.And by the way, I am in know way having an affair nor would I ever do that either. And my hubby/OP is fully aware of that. LOL Disgusted? Where did the wife say she was disgusted? **even sven** , you are making assumptions that are not there, and I would rather wait for the wife to tell us _what she actually did_ after the visit, and _what she would actually do_ if this guy calls again, let alone ask for another visit. That would help me determine where this relationship stands and/or if boundaries have been crossed. You can go ahead and make assumptions, but I will stick with facts…thank you very much. ---
**Author:** ![Plumbkrazy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f05b48/32.png) [@Plumbkrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Plumbkrazy)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2012, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-difference-between-spouses/611626/123 "2012-02-07T22:38:02Z")
I’d have a huge problem with her giving the guy her phone number in the first place. I’d go fucking nuclear if she invited the guy into my home when I wasn’t there. I suggest you keep your eyes open, and I don’t mean because the guy may be dangerous. You wouldn’t be the first spouse who was completely fooled by the “he/she is a nutjob/creep/psycho” tactic. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2012, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-difference-between-spouses/611626/124 "2012-02-07T22:50:16Z")
Here is the thing. Once you start with “it’s reasonable to be suspicious of what she does, she could be up to anything” and “Well, it’s only natural to want to control what she is doing so that she doesn’t end up cheating on me” stuff, you have started down a road with no end. You will never be able to convince yourself that she is above suspicion. You will never find enough control to know FOR SURE that she’s not up to something. There will always be one more question, one more rule, one more thing to worry about. Yes, people cheat. You cannot stop this. You cannot make it impossible. You cannot set it up so that you will know when it happens. This is the risk you take when you fall in love. This is pretty much what love means. If you need to be certain you are not being played the fool, you are going to have to stay single. > [@Yeticus\_Rex](#): > > Disgusted? Where did the wife say she was disgusted? **even sven** , you are making assumptions that are not there, and I would rather wait for the wife to tell us _what she actually did_ after the visit, and _what she would actually do_ if this guy calls again, let alone ask for another visit. That would help me determine where this relationship stands and/or if boundaries have been crossed. You can go ahead and make assumptions, but I will stick with facts…thank you very much. I guess I assumed she didn’t say “he wants to stick his \_\_\_\_ in my \_\_\_\_\_ with a \_\_\_\_ on a \_\_\_\_\_\_?! AWESOME. I’m going to go tell my husband!” ---
**Author:** ![Kasper1014](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c89c15/32.png) [@Kasper1014](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kasper1014)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2012, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-difference-between-spouses/611626/125 "2012-02-07T23:22:08Z")
Ive been married for 20 years. Both my husband I have friends of the opposite sex. Many times I have met those male friends for breakfast, lunch, dinner, happy hour, etc. With that said…I have never invited a male friend to my house when my husband was not home. While my husband may not have a problem with it, I would. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2012, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-difference-between-spouses/611626/126 "2012-02-07T23:43:11Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Here is the thing. > > Once you start with “it’s reasonable to be suspicious of what she does, she could be up to anything” and “Well, it’s only natural to want to control what she is doing so that she doesn’t end up cheating on me” stuff, you have started down a road with no end. You will never be able to convince yourself that she is above suspicion. You will never find enough control to know FOR SURE that she’s not up to something. There will always be one more question, one more rule, one more thing to worry about. > > Yes, people cheat. You cannot stop this. You cannot make it impossible. You cannot set it up so that you will know when it happens. > > This is the risk you take when you fall in love. This is pretty much what love means. If you need to be certain you are not being played the fool, you are going to have to stay single. > > I guess I assumed she didn’t say “he wants to stick his \_\_\_\_ in my \_\_\_\_\_ with a \_\_\_\_ on a \_\_\_\_\_\_?! AWESOME. I’m going to go tell my husband!” There you go again…you are assuming it’s all about control when I am actually asking her about her B-O-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S. I’m not even asking the husband what he wants to or should do…AGAIN…I am more interested in what the wife has done or what she is going to do. That’s not control…that’s finding out what a person’s boundaries are. Married 25 years…and we’ve been in this scenario before. Been married longer now than have been single, and we still love each other…so I must be doing something right…and I found out a long time ago that assumptions are pretty much useless, and actually communicating is priceless. Hence, my questions (that are still going unanswered)… ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2012, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-difference-between-spouses/611626/127 "2012-02-08T00:25:58Z")
> [@Yeticus\_Rex](#): > > There you go again…you are assuming it’s all about control when I am actually asking her about her B-O-U-N-D-A-R-I-E-S. I’m not even asking the husband what he wants to or should do…AGAIN…I am more interested in what the wife has done or what she is going to do. That’s not control…that’s finding out what a person’s boundaries are. > > Married 25 years…and we’ve been in this scenario before. Been married longer now than have been single, and we still love each other…so I must be doing something right…and I found out a long time ago that assumptions are pretty much useless, and actually communicating is priceless. Hence, my questions (that are still going unanswered)… I think we are talking past each other here. I’m all for people figuring out what each other’s boundaries are and making sure they are compatible. Ideally, this would happen before marriage. But there are people here who believe that it’s reasonable to maintain an air of suspicious and distrust in a relationship, and i really am uncomfortable with that. Maybe it works for some people, but it would certainly be a deal breaker for me. ---
**Author:** ![raspberry\_hunter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@raspberry\_hunter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raspberry_hunter)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2012, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-difference-between-spouses/611626/128 "2012-02-08T01:14:51Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > I don’t see it as a problem because there are so many other reasonable compromises that can be made. I’m not saying she can never see men. I’m saying I’m uncomfortable with one specific situation. I’m uncomfortable when she invites strange men over to the house alone. > [@Nava](#): > > Picked this one simply because it puts it so concisely. > > Those of you who’d feel uncomfortable if your wife invites a man that you don’t know over to the house when you’re not there, does it apply to any and all men? Deliverymen? The plumber? Or does it apply only to men she’s met elsewhere (that is, the plumber would not bother you if she’s picked him out of the yellow pages, but it would bother you if she works in construction and knows him)? I already asked **filmore** this, and he elucidated that it didn’t apply if the man in question had a reason to be there (my example, drawn from my actual life, involved a man I know whose son I teach violin). [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-difference-between-spouses/611626.md?page=6)