# Philosophical Topic of the Day: Why are we afraid to fully love? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 13, 2002, 12:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-topic-of-the-day-why-are-we-afraid-to-fully-love/113832 "2002-06-13T12:17:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 7\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Gazelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Gazelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gazelle)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2002, 12:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-topic-of-the-day-why-are-we-afraid-to-fully-love/113832/1 "2002-06-13T12:17:03Z")
Please forgive the free-form, stream-of-conciousness feel of this post. So many philosopical thoughts are rolling around in this noggin of mine. I need to write them down. Last night, my husband and I laughed hysterically at silliness. We laughed so much that it threatened the mood of our planned lovemaking… I felt that I was the one who had to move us to that place and I did. It was some of the best sex we’ve had in our almost 13 years of marriage. Last night was idyllic. I always dreamed of giving myself to someone so fully that being with them would be effortless… Last night, loving him and loving myself were like breathing. In the past, I have held back in our lovemaking. And I think to myself, _Why wouldn’t you want **more** touching, caressing, feeling?_ There’s always a reason: He didn’t do some mundane task I asked him to. The house is a mess. I didn’t follow through with a commitment. Basically, things aren’t perfect so I can’t let myself completely go. This morning, as is my habit, I got off the bus a few blocks early. It’s sunny and nice out this morning, so I walked outside and thought about how much I love my husband and wondered why I am sometimes afraid to let go and fully love. Not just him, but my fellow human beings. Yes, I risk being hurt. Is that the only reason I’m afraid? If so, it’s not a good enough reason. I risk being hurt at every breath. Walking on the street could cause me to be hurt. People risk physical injury all the time. Puzzling over all of this leads me to the conclusion that physical injury is easier to sustain than mental injury. But why? Is it because people don’t talk about it? Talking about mental injury is looked down upon. When someone tells me about their feelings, I feel responsible for them. Yesterday I was challenged to get out of my comfort zone… to do something scary or uncomfortable in order to reap unknown rewards. Now that I think about it, last night was not 100% effortless. I made a conscious decision to let go and love my man. I want to let go and love my fellow human beings. I want to truly believe that the intentions of each person I meet are good. I know that this state of mind will lead to things better than suspicion, doubt and wariness. Can I do it? Thanks for listening. ---
**Author:** ![miamouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ad7895/32.png) [@miamouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miamouse)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2002, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-topic-of-the-day-why-are-we-afraid-to-fully-love/113832/2 "2002-06-13T15:04:28Z")
I wanna know how you got in to that state of mind. I get the same thing sometimes, I’m tired or thinking of what needs to be done, what wasn’t done, etc. For reasons beyond me, sometimes I just can’t get motivated into initiating anything. It’s one of his ‘bones’ he’s always picking with me. He says I’m ‘not there’ (even when I know I’ve been trying). I always feel like as soon as I walk in the door, he’s ready to jump on me, ala calvin and hobbes. I feel bad, because I want to jump him sometimes, but just don’t. I beginning to wonder if there’s some vitamin or herbal supplement that would help. Mostly, I probably just need to relax. ---
**Author:** ![Gazelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Gazelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gazelle)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2002, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-topic-of-the-day-why-are-we-afraid-to-fully-love/113832/3 "2002-06-13T18:47:06Z")
I got into the sexy state of mind by reminding myself how wonderful he is. I thought about how we first met and the times he’s really been there for me when I didn’t even know I needed him… I turned myself on by thinking about him. Like I said, our time to have sex was planned. I thought about him all day yesterday and was really revved up by the time I got home. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2002, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-topic-of-the-day-why-are-we-afraid-to-fully-love/113832/4 "2002-06-13T20:01:30Z")
> [@](#): > > I risk being hurt. Is that the only reason I’m afraid? It’s generally sufficient reason. Is it trite to quote from something I said half a lifetime ago? {age ~22}: > [@](#): > > There is one very basic fact about human life that we don’t like. Namely, there is no way you are ever really going to know if anyone ever, at any time, to any degree…loves you. > > You can think someone does, you can hope someone does, or you can worry that they don’t, but you can never be as certain as your vulnerability makes you want to be. For that matter, you may find that you can’t even be certain you know how you feel. > > You can worry that it isn’t mutual and that you might get hurt, but you can’t find out otherwise except by taking the risk. To truly love someone you have to make yourself vulnerable to maybe getting sliced to ribbons. Love is not safe. > > If you are too scared of the risk to accept the experience of falling deeply in love, you won’t; but all the attempts to find out if it’s mutual first, or to extract some kind of understanding that will make it safe are in vain. > > All you can do is take a deep breath, close your eyes, and jump. Scary, isn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![CheapBastid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8baadc/32.png) [@CheapBastid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheapBastid)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2002, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-topic-of-the-day-why-are-we-afraid-to-fully-love/113832/5 "2002-06-13T20:23:24Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by AHunter3 \* > **To truly love someone you have to make yourself vulnerable to maybe getting sliced to ribbons. Love is not safe.** I don’t know about that. It does boil down to the definition of love though. In my eyes loving someone does not really make one vulnerable. To fully love someone (in my eyes again) is to wish only the best for them. If that love is not returned, then that is what the beloved finds best. ---
**Author:** ![runforrestrun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/a3d4f5/32.png) [@runforrestrun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runforrestrun)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2002, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-topic-of-the-day-why-are-we-afraid-to-fully-love/113832/6 "2002-06-13T21:25:32Z")
Wow that’s really good, AHunter3. It makes a lot of sense. And Canthe, Im very happy that you could renew the love that was already deep inside you. I often wonder about love. Being young, I have idealized it a lot and admit I have never been in love. I am in love with the idea of love so much that I worry I will just marry the first guy I feel anything for. Taking that great leap always seems like the absolute scariest thing for anyone to do. But the rewards appear to be so endless that I know somewhere inside of myself that given the opportunity I could…with ample time, of course. I am generally a very relaxed, very calm person. Things like this rouse me out of my world and scare the heck out of me though. Yet hope springs eternal in my naive mind. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Angel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d26b3c/32.png) [@Johnny\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Angel)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2002, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/philosophical-topic-of-the-day-why-are-we-afraid-to-fully-love/113832/7 "2002-06-13T22:03:19Z")
**Canthearya** : This expression, to `fully love' is meaningless. Whatever `love’ is, there is no theoretical upper limit, and it will always be possible to suppose you could have more of it. > [@](#): > > There’s always a reason: He didn’t do some mundane task I asked him to. The house is a mess. I didn’t follow through with a commitment. Basically, things aren’t perfect so I can’t let myself completely go. You’re not asking why you’re afraid to fully love here. You’re chastising yourself for witholding affection as a form of petty punishment for yourself and your husband. If you just wanted to get that off of your chest, that’s fine. But confession often turns out to be an end in itself. It feels good to admit you have a problem, and to get support and validation from other people, and so many people get into a cycle of public self-flaggelation rather than make any serious attempt to fix whatever problem they had to begin with. > [@](#): > > Yes, I risk being hurt. Is that the only reason I’m afraid? If so, it’s not a good enough reason. I risk being hurt at every breath. Walking on the street could cause me to be hurt. People risk physical injury all the time. This is an analog of the _Everything Causes Cancer_ argument. There is nothing you do that doesn’t carry at least some risk of permanent, disfiguring, wasting and debilitating damage, so why not smoke? – it’s a rush, and it makes you feel good while you’re doing it, not unlike love. > [@](#): > > Puzzling over all of this leads me to the conclusion that physical injury is easier to sustain than mental injury. But why? Is it because people don’t talk about it? Talking about mental injury is looked down upon. People love to talk about their mental problems, and that is in fact what you’re doing here. It isn’t the unwillingness to talk about them that compounds mental problems, it’s the unwillingness to stop talking and do something about them that makes them persist and deepen. > [@](#): > > I made a conscious decision to let go and love my man. I want to let go and love my fellow human beings. I want to truly believe that the intentions of each person I meet are good. I know that this state of mind will lead to things better than suspicion, doubt and wariness. Can I do it? Or, you could just make the conscious decision that what you have and what you are have been good enough all along, and that you’re not going to waste any time obessing over perceived inadequacies.