# Phone greetings to mess with people **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 7, 2004, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003 "2004-03-07T20:07:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![altiod](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c6cbf5/32.png) [@altiod](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/altiod)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2004, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/1 "2004-03-07T20:07:07Z")
I’ve been having fun answering the phone at work lately, when I know its a co-worker calling. Some things I say when I pick up the phone are: City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em. (a classic) Nihilist Hotline, the following is meaningless… Bestiality sex talk, woof! Hoover Dam, woosh, aaaiiggh. Dick Cheney’s undisclosed location (city name), whoops! You have reached the offices of your worst nightmare, please hold. (Tick reference) Crisis Hotline; aiiiigghheee, yooowwcch, ack! Have any more to add? ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2004, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/2 "2004-03-07T20:23:41Z")
Suicide hotline, please hold… Robin ---
**Author:** ![if6was9](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e47c2d/32.png) [@if6was9](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/if6was9)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2004, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/3 "2004-03-07T20:25:00Z")
In a seriously muffled voice… Hello! White House. Monica speaking. ---
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2004, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/4 "2004-03-07T20:49:42Z")
“…this is Dave, you got the stuff?” ---
**Author:** ![emekthian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ecae2f/32.png) [@emekthian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/emekthian)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2004, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/5 "2004-03-07T21:01:10Z")
Aaarrrgh! I’ve been guillotined! ---
**Author:** ![HDS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/bb73d2/32.png) [@HDS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HDS)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2004, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/6 "2004-03-07T21:49:43Z")
_really really perky voice_ Dr. Lecter’s office! ---
**Author:** ![grisham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f08c70/32.png) [@grisham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grisham)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2004, 9:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/7 "2004-03-07T21:56:02Z")
I am amazed no one has used the classic Roadkill Cafe you kill it we grill it. or just pick a local bar in your area and whenever anyone calls answer using its name. Joe’s bar . Lakeview bar. then listen to your friends apologize to the bar. Great stuff. ---
**Author:** ![Doomtrain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/0ea827/32.png) [@Doomtrain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doomtrain)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2004, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/8 "2004-03-07T23:00:20Z")
“Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.” ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2004, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/9 "2004-03-07T23:17:18Z")
My mom and I use this one with each other: When you are the caller: “Have I reached the party to whom I am speaking?” (Borrowed from Lily Tomlin’s Ernestine the telephone operator, I believe) ---
**Author:** ![Santos\_L\_Halper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/santos_l_halper/32/1_2.png) [@Santos\_L\_Halper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Santos_L_Halper)\ **Post date:** [March 7, 2004, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/10 "2004-03-07T23:18:13Z")
Duffy’s Tavern where the elite meet to eat. Archie da manager speakin’ Duffy ain’t here… ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2004, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/11 "2004-03-08T00:05:46Z")
Diamond Detective Agency – if you’ve got a corpse lying around, why not trade it in for something useful? ---
**Author:** ![daniel801](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@daniel801](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/daniel801)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2004, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/12 "2004-03-08T00:15:18Z")
We’re closed for the day, please hold… ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2004, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/13 "2004-03-08T00:35:42Z")
“Joe’s Abortion Shop, you rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us…” (This was popular in my high school, just after Roe v. Wade.) ---
**Author:** ![Jayn\_Newell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jayn\_Newell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayn_Newell)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2004, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/14 "2004-03-08T00:37:35Z")
Jake’s Taxidermy, you bag 'em we stuff 'em ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2004, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/15 "2004-03-08T00:46:53Z")
lotsa material here: [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=145459](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=145459) ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2004, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/16 "2004-03-08T00:52:55Z")
_L.A. Story_ has one of my favorites, but you’ll need a beeper of some sort. Hello, this is xxxx. I’m in right now, so you can talk to me personally. Please start talking at the sound of the beep. _beep_ ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2004, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/17 "2004-03-08T02:19:03Z")
altoid’s desk, this is the top drawer speaking. ---
**Author:** ![D.E.S.K.Top668](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f07891/32.png) [@D.E.S.K.Top668](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D.E.S.K.Top668)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2004, 2:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/18 "2004-03-08T02:43:03Z")
Henry’s House o’ Hos, where the customer comes first. Catholic Hotline. Do you want The Father, Son, or Holy Ghost? ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2004, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/19 "2004-03-08T04:12:22Z")
“Our Lady of Angels Seminary. Our Lady is not available. Would you like to speak to one of the Angels?” ---
**Author:** ![SnoopyFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d07c76/32.png) [@SnoopyFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnoopyFan)\ **Post date:** [March 8, 2004, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003/20 "2004-03-08T04:41:28Z")
(Answering machine message) _machine picks up_ Hello? (Pause) Oh HI! How are you? (Another pause) We can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name, etc. It’s hilarious when you’re at home and the machine picks up and your friends fall for it 🙂 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/phone-greetings-to-mess-with-people/233003.md?page=2)